As a small child I used to go to the grocery with my mom. There was a brown coin-op riding horse in the front of the store that I ALWAYS wanted to ride. My mom wouldn't let me, saying it was a waste of money, and usually throwing in some mention of the gum she just bought (as though my minuscule attention span could be satisfied with something that happened five minutes ago). One day, most likely after I threw a bratty fit, she let me ride the horse. I climbed atop his leather saddle, put my feet in the stirrups and awaited a great adventure with my trusty hooved companion. Mom inserted the quarter. About a minute later I couldn't figure out why I made such a big deal. It was an idealistic dream that would never be the same again. My innocence lost, I grew into adulthood and assumed my role in society and found a job. In a roll of quarters there are forty rides. It's time for my gainful employment to bankroll me in making up for lost time....

Librium Frog
14th Street and 6th

Doesn't he look happy? Those drooping eyes and saggy mouth are a forewarning to what lies ahead. I waited my turn as a little girl rode him for about 8 seconds before she started to cry and made her mom "rescue" her. Upon mounting this great amphibian, I noticed that it was a pretty standard-issue "enclosed seating" type toy. I could only sit on top of the seat back while eating my knees. As the ride started, the frog groaned at his duties. He moved drowsily, ( and not just because I'm heavy- he moved the same for the little girl) in an oblong oval motion. On the final downward motion of the cycle it let out a creak which I'm unsure whether it was a sound effect or just a noise it makes because it sucks really bad. No music either. Of course not. That might make it CHEERFUL.

Design Originality: 4/5
Fun Factor: 1/5
Mechanical Stability: 4/5
Wear: 3/5
Music: 0/5
Comprehension of the Pain of Existence: 4/5
 
 

Yellow Ghetto Stallion
14th Street and 6th

On the other side of the entrance to the same store where I found the Librium Frog resides this trusty steed. This is where we start to pick at the definition of "trusty" and whether it fits this guy. Upon first inspection it looks like your typical merry-go-round horse. Then I looked closer and saw not the warm, dark affection of a horse's big brown eyes, but rather a BLOOD RED iris with a constricted white pupil in the center with four black lines radiating from it.

If I fit into the age group that most patronizes this type of ride I would probably be scared, but being an adult, I can look straight into the eyes of terror and not blink. So I approached this hellish beast and mounted him. The paint was chipped off pretty badly. I noticed that the usual pleasant leather bridle strap was gone and in its place was a metal chain with a half-assed duct taping job to prevent kids' fingers from getting pinched. The tape, of course, did not cover the part of the chain you would actually grab. There were also no stirrups. Considering I'm 6 feet tall and my legs dangled I would guess that a small kid would need a parent to lift him up in order to use the horse at all. I survived somehow. Now came the moment of truth. Upon inserting my quarter a funny thing happened. It disappeared.... and nothing followed.

Design Originality: 1/5
Fun Factor: 0/5
Mechanical Stability: 0/5
Wear: 1/5
Music: 0/5
Unnerving Glare: 5/5
 

The Little Blue Copter of Childhood Trauma
Kingsbridge and Jerome

It's hard being a goofy white guy in the Bronx, especially when you're trying to ask someone to hold your camera and take a picture of you doing something idiotic. As I was standing and waiting for a good candidate to hold my camera (I.E. someone who I could run faster than and kick their ass if I had to), a guy came up with his son, who looked to be about 3 or 4. The boy hopped on the copter and looked like he was ready for the time of his life. Instead of reaching in his pocket, the man reached down and pulled the plug out of the wall. He then showed it to the boy saying, "Awww look- it's broken. That stinks. Too bad. C'mon - let's go." The child's face had an expression that looked like he had just heard that George W. Bush had just been elected president. It must be great growing up knowing that your happiness isn't worth a quarter to your father.

Design Originality: 1/5
Fun Factor: -7868/5
Mechanical Stability: unknown
Wear: 1/5
Music: unknown
Shattered Innocence: 5/5
 

Copyright Infringement Mickey and Donald
Fordham and Walton

When I first stumbled upon this pair I wondered for a few hundredths of a second how they got licensing permission from Disney. Then I came to my senses and realized that there was no way Disney would give a product like this anything but a fat lawsuit if they bothered to call and say, "We make these Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck riding toys. Can we get permission to make more?" What really drove it home was when I noticed a sticker on the front of each unit:

Muppets World Amusement Technology Corp.

Now I know damn well that it's not simultaneously licensed by Disney AND Henson. Was this company just trying to dig their own grave legally or what? The company that made Furbies got sued by Spielberg because their product VAGUELY resembled a Gremlin. These guys made a MICKEY MOUSE with the name MUPPETS right on it! That takes BALLS, and I gotta give credit where it's due.... but wait- first I gotta tear them apart again for the quality of their work (evil snicker). Just like in the cartoons, Mickey functions pretty well, while Donald is totally fucked. Note in the picture how his arms are crossed, that obstinate bastard! I actually watched some stupid mom tear the packing tape off Donald's quarter slot and find out the hard way that it's broken, as though "Tape Over Quarter Slot" isn't the universal sign of "FUCKING BROKEN."

Mickey works pretty well, despite looking like he's breaking his back to be in his position. He actually goes for a disturbingly long time. No music, though I imagine if they did put music it wouldn't be something in the public domain.

 Copyright Infringement Mickey

Design Originality: -5/5
Fun Factor: 3/5
Mechanical Stability: 3/5
Wear: 2/5
Music: 0/5

Copyright Infringement Donald

Design Originality: -5/5
Fun Factor: 0/5
Mechanical Stability: 0/5
Wear: 1/5
Music: 0/5

Odds That Muppets World Hasn't Been Sued Into Oblivion: 1/5

ICE KREEM TRUK
Fayette Mall, Lexington, KY

Amélie is a comedy about an innocent girl who has lived a secluded existence filled with small personal pleasures and a wide ranging inquisitiveness. In the tradition of his films "City of Lost Children" and "Delicatessen," Jean-Pierre Jeunet  shows us a fantasy world filled with riveted connections and firm, fixed destinies. Amélie one day departs from her introspective life when she finds a hole in her wall containing a toy box that a child stashed there in the 1950's. She is filled with the urge to make other people's lives better. She does this through complex stratagems and schemes; never directly giving the answers, but letting  people figure them out for themselves. While she spends all her time helping to heal the wounds of others, she is unable to heal her own emptiness and loneliness. The only person aware of her feeling of incompleteness is a disabled, elderly artist who lives in the apartment across from hers. He communicates  advice to her through metaphorical hints on how he might  improve his painting. Easily as wonderful as his other films, and perhaps moreso, Jeunet once again gives us an interpretation of the world as it is only seen to eyes well-focused. Oh ... uhh - yeah - the ice cream truck thing. It was kinda cool. It had blinky lights.

Design Originality: Sacre Bleu
Fun Factor: Magnifique
Mechanical Stability: Creme Brulee
Wear: Pomme Frites
Music: Haricot Verts
 

Freaky Giraffe/Llama-what-the-fuck-is-this-creepy-fucking-beige-creaking thing
Kingsbridge and University Ave.

Nice hat. OK. It's shaped like a giraffe, but last time I checked giraffes had pigment. This beige monstrosity is undefinable. Though I'm not sure what it's supposed to represent, it seems to work pretty well. No music, but hey- in the Bronx I'm just lucky it works at all. One thing though, it makes a sickly, almost creepy groaning sound as it toils. Even after I got off (for fear it would come alive and bite me) it still sounded like a wounded sea cow.

As you can see from the image above, this bizarre creature may have at one time had a tail. It seems to have been sanded off and painted over so I can happily imagine that it's pinching off a big fat loaf of Giraffe/Llama shatz.

No expense was spared in the design. Note the luxurious BARE, RUSTY BOLTS that serve as foot pegs.

Design Originality: 4/5
Fun Factor: 3/5
Mechanical Stability: 4/5
Wear: 3/5
Music: 0/5
Odds that it's a Taun Taun from Starwars: 3/5
 

Pervert Giraffe
Fordham and University Ave.

Just a few minutes after I saw the "Freaky Giraffe/Llama-what-the-fuck-is-this-creepy-fucking-beige-creaking thing," I was walking on Fordham and stumbled upon this giraffe. This one was definitely a giraffe. Its coloring was correct and that made me more comfortable. It had a tail too, which reaffirmed my idea that the last one's tail had been filed off (poor bastard). Then I noticed something. The meaning of the expression "location is everything" hit me hard. As I was riding the giraffe I looked up into the window of the store.

 1) Men's G-string designed so the wang makes an elephant trunk
2) Men's G-string designed so the wang makes a nose for the mustache guy
3) Groucho Marx crotch
4) Panties with Ass-enlarging pads
5) Lose Weight Fast

Kids will happily play on the giraffe as their ideas about sexuality will distort into something very confusing.

Design Originality: 3/5
Fun Factor: 3/5
Mechanical Stability: 4/5
Wear: 3/5
Music: 0/5
Crotchless Panties: 5/5
 

Generic, Boring, Nothing Remarkable Horse
Kingsbridge and Jerome

It's white with a blue mane. It works. It has circus music. It's in relatively good condition. Uh - I can't really think of anything else to say. Oh yeah - after we took the picture the guy with the broom flexed his muscle for the camera, but uh - we didn't take a picture. Uh ... Thank you. That's all.

Design Originality: 0/5
Fun Factor: 2/5
Mechanical Stability: 5/5
Wear: 3/5
Music: 4/5
Proximity to Goat meat: approximately 6 feet
 

Big Pun's Tractor Trailer o' Kitten Abuse
Kingsbridge and University Ave.

Cool! A replica of the tractor trailer they used as a hearse for Big Pun! Actually it's not (hearses aren't red), but it's still pretty cool. It's in front of a pet shop where the little girl in the picture kept abusing this little grey kitten. She didn't know how to hold it so she'd hold it with one hand, down, like it was a lunchbox or something. Needless to say, the fun factor on this ride might be tainted by my surroundings. Also notice the Big fat Pun sticker on the back. These are absolutely inescapable in the Bronx. I'm surprised they stopped with only ONE sticker.

Uh-oh!! Missing headlight! ZERO RATING FOR ALL SCORES!

Design Originality: 0/5
Fun Factor: 0/5
Mechanical Stability: 0/5
Wear: 0/5
Music: 0/5
Tongue so fat you can't speak properly: 5/5
 

Implicitly Racist Jockey-Munky
Fordham and Walton

Did they give it a fireman hat? NO. An army helmet? NO. A football helmet? NO. What did they give it? A JOCKEY HELMET. Gee - lemme think of other places I've seen jockey helmets .... OH YEAH! Lawn Jockeys! Did they put the helmet on a Hamster? A Bear? A Horse? A Chilean Sea Bass? NO. They put it on a MONKEY. Monkey plus Lawn Jockey equals what? Let's not even mention that he's on his knees hitting his own shoulder with the horse whip. The seat is made of a bunch of bananas. I wanted to ride on the toy, but about 6 feet away was the store owner and it looked like he could beat me up. I put a quarter in so I could see if it worked and walked away.

Design Originality: 4/5
Fun Factor: unknown
Mechanical Stability: 3/5
Wear: 2/5
Music: 0/5
How happy this toy would make the NAACP: -987698769876986/5
 

Larceny Whale
Westchester

Ok. I gotta admit, I liked him when I first saw him. It kinda works out that way. You think someone's pretty cool so you let him stay over a few times. He starts to consider your apartment like his home away from home, but it's ok because you think he's funny and interesting. Then it happens. Missing CDs. Suddenly your friend has turned out to be nothing more than a mooch, and worse, a thief. Your trust betrayed, you confront him, and he has some grand excuse like, "Aww man, I was out of weed." He wins your heart, then he tears it out. You start to wonder if he may have been looking over your shoulder at the ATM. "Did he put his mouth on the orange juice container?"
I was walking with my friend and saw the whale. You should have seen how happy I was. A big whale that looked like a giant blue sperm. I just HAD to try it out. I handed my friend the camera and popped in a quarter. Had this been on Sesame Street you would have heard music going, "Whaaa Whaaa Whaaa Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa."
THE THIEF!!!!

Design Originality: Goddamn thief
Fun Factor: Fuck that shit
Mechanical Stability: If he had wanted a quarter, all he had to do was fucking ASK
Wear: I mean, what's he going to do with a quarter???
Music: I feel so used and dirty

Acid Dolphin
Kingsbridge

So I was walking down the street and it was really starting to kick in. I was listening to "Animals" by Pink Floyd with my headphones, which now seemed like big throbbing organs attached to the sides of my head, putting sound color-shapes into my brain. It was hot out... I think. So I saw this Dolphin and I was like, "HOLY SHIT! DID YOU SEE THAT?" and all the people on the sidewalk looked at me because I was walking by myself and probably screamed it really loudly. They couldn't understand how powerful my headphone organs had become, though I could tell they ALL KNEW I was tripping my balls off, and that I had better hide myself in tinfoil to keep the police monster-robots from finding my CD player. Then I looked at the Dolphin again and he was like, "HA-HA!! CHARADE YOU ARE!!!" and I freaked because he was laughing at me through my ear-organ-music things. I kinda got scared because he was looking at me all crazy. I mean, he must have known I was tripping so he turned himself yellow to mess with me. I mean ... everyone knows dolphins are like... blue? ... red? ... brown?? Man - that's like a weird sound if you think about it. Like... BROWWWWWWWWNNNN. Fuckin weird. HA-HA Charade I Am. So I was going to get someone to take my picture on the Dolphin but the way he was coming through my headphones telling me I was a charade made me think he was going to tell the police I was tripping so I took a picture of him really fast and ran away and went and looked at the ice cream in Baskin Robbins for a few hours. They finally kicked me out when I reached over the counter and put my hand into one of the bins.

Design Originality: Huh??? Wait - like you said that and then the sound came out way later.
Fun Factor: 903ks9h38h#)2h01h = pear ... Dude! I made a pear.
Mechanical Stability: SSSSSSSSSSSStaayy...buhhLITTY
Wear: Stop looking at me.
Music: BROWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNN-NUHHHH
 

Portuguese Stoner Croc

<negativepositive> DUDE - that gator is HIGH
<WoNkS> my teammates thought I was high for riding it
<negativepositive> hehehe
<negativepositive> that rocks
<WoNkS> I saw it and I"m like, v-ger has to have a picture of this
<negativepositive> tell me - music ?
<WoNkS> cost: 100 escudos
<negativepositive> where is it ?
<WoNkS> I didn't have 100 escudos on me
<WoNkS> :(
<negativepositive> DOH
<WoNkS> 100 esc = 45 cents
<negativepositive> hahaa
<negativepositive> where is that ?
<WoNkS> In portugal
<negativepositive> neat
<WoNkS> somewhere in the northern half
<negativepositive> it's going on my page
<negativepositive> eheh
<WoNkS> I am in team gear, and some teammates are behind me
<WoNkS> sweet, put it up there
<negativepositive> neat
<negativepositive> hehhe
<WoNkS> the music, I'm sure, was portuguese
<negativepositive> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAAH