Music that sucks and most importantly Why it sucks, described in negativepositive's usual painfully explicit fashion.

Updated May 13

Throughout recorded human history there has been music of some form or another. Music has been one of the most powerful mediums for expression of ideas, especially those ideas that carry deep emotional or spiritual significance. Through the ages, it has been seen as such a powerful carrier of information that it has been regarded a direct line of communication to our deities. This form of information transfer, which once supposedly protected us from the volcano god, ensured a good crop, and praised our alleged creator, transformed, mostly in this century to worship and praise what we truly hold dear: OURSELVES. This is not an inherently bad thing. As we realize more and more that our earthly endeavors seem to be the only ones that really have any noticeable effect on us, music expands to explore the state of the human psyche, which should be a broad enough palette to paint a wide array of feelings and ideas. But is it really a wide spectrum when the people who have come to control music only give us certain colors of paint in which to coat our canvasses? And so the phrase, “Music Industry” is born. In this time, which is supposedly the age of information, it’s surprising that our selection of music is as limited as it is. With a small handful of multinational corporations controlling the free flow of music, we have to hear hymns that praise what they worship: MONEY. One thing that has been proven time and time again to fail is mixing art with capitalism. Let’s face it, the suits don’t understand aesthetics. Old guys who want to be able to afford twenty five dollar cigars have always had a love affair with the status quo and have always cringed at new ideas and change.  The fact that those old guys now own all the media is not going to make it easy for creative people to press forth new ways of thinking or publish new ways of sounding. “Why publish something experimental when we could spend the same amount and publish something tried-and-true and make millions?” The art is lost, but profit is made. Below are the most obvious byproducts of the decay of music in the late 20th and early 21st century.

RAP

Let’s start off with perhaps the best example of musical stagnation. How about I just sit here and brag about how much money I have and how much pussy I get? Sing? Nah – that would require ability. Instead I’d rather yell meaningless lyrics JUST BECAUSE THEY RHYME. When I run out of rhyming words I can just go, “UHHH!” and give shout-outs. How many rappers have rhymed “Focus” with “Locust?” Oh yeah.. that’s right … ALL OF THEM. Y’know, I find myself talking about locusts a lot. Herbivorous insects really have a lot to do with the inner city strife that rappers like to say they are in tune to. Inner city strife?? Gee, how about I make it worse by advocating fucking as many girls as I can and then leaving them behind. Somebody is pissing you off? No problem, just KILL them. Nobody can fuck with you because you own a GUN and that makes you a MAN. After all, if you get caught (after being chased by police helicopters in your lamborghini while still talking on your cell phone) you will go to prison, which is romanticized to “make you harder.” Surely anyone with a whole maxilla full of gold teeth will be safe in prison (they’ll just think he’s a badass and not a source of dentally encapsulated cigarette money). Back on the originality end, how about I just sample an ENTIRE song from the 80’s and mute the vocal track so I can rap over it. Sampling could be a source of an interesting beat loop, a snippet, or HEY.. you could just make a sample of a whole song and be DONE. After all, it’s not all about the art! It’s all about the Benjamins. Murder, Money, and Misogyny. THAT’S ART, BABY!!
 

POP SLUTS

Hey! Do you have marginal singing ability? Can you not play any instrument? Is your writing ability comparable to that found in a manic depressive 13 year old girl’s diary? Do you have large breasts, a porn star’s physique, smooth, perfect skin and a persona that says, “I’m daddy’s innocent but horny little girl?” Then the music industry wants you! No previous experience necessary! Avoid the hassle of making a name for yourself by actually playing in small venues and building up a strong reputation and fan-base as a musician. You can be famous TODAY! In as little as one week, we can yank you out of your little white trash duplex, put you in some slutty clothes, record an album, shoot a video, broadcast you on thousands of radio and TV stations worldwide, and even get you a role in a movie! We own all the magazines and TV shows that will be critiquing you, so don’t worry! To them, you’re a RISING STAR before they even hear your music. Oh! Your music? That’s the LEAST of your worries! People aren’t actually going to be listening to your music because it’s GOOD, because it won’t be. They’re going to be listening to you because you’re sexy and you’re a STAR! Besides, we have loads of people who do nothing but write and perform music just to be used by talentless performers like you! That IS the term, by the way: “Performer,” not “Artist,” and don’t even jokingly say “Musician.” And who cares if your voice sounds like angry badgers playing tug-o-war with a crying kitten. We’ll handle that too. Remember that basement full of consultant musicians? Some faceless person with a golden voice will sing every note FOR you. Let’s just say they weren’t as marketable as you, since they didn’t look like a model. As long as you can move your mouth to the words and look sexy doing it, we’re in business. It makes my dick hard just thinking about how much money you’re going to make for us, and since it’s hard anyway, why not come over here and we’ll see if you’re really qualified.