NEGATIVEPOSITIVE RUINS EVERY MOVIE

Since I've spent enough time pissing people off about religion, I figured it was time for me to ruin something that people actually cared about. Spoilers ahead? Nooooo! Don't be silly. Movie Ruination is below Ratings Key.

Updated Mar 10, 08

My Rating System:

	CGI Overkill Excessive Use of Computer Rendered Effects to the Extent That You Feel Like You're Watching a Cartoon.		Dime a Dozen Cookie Cutter Movie.		Horribly Unnatural and Unrealistic Dialogue.
	Bad Guys Can't Shoot Straight. 1000 Baddies shoot at the hero and never hit him once. Usually the hero bullseyes every shot.		Over-Hyped Dogshit Movie Makes a Zillion Dollars.		Dogshit Movie Casts Big Stars To Dupe Moviegoers Into Seeing It.
	Drooler. Movie is Geared Towards Drooling Retards Who Laugh Like, "HUH! HUH HUH HUH!" And See It In DROVES.		Foreshadowing So Obvious, An Idiot Should See Where It's Headed.		Characters Are Invulnerable To Injury to an Absurd Extent. Getting Shot and Catching Railings After Falling Four Floors are All In a Day's Work.
	Stupid People Will Find This Movie Impossible to Understand and Enjoy.		Big Media Conglomerate Decides To Cast It's Talentless Singer as a Talentless Actor.		Movie Completely Ignores Physical and Scientific Laws.
	Plot Twist So Ridiculously Over-The-Top That It Almost Seems Contrived and Silly.		Excessive Commercial Product Placement. The movie is little more than a big, fat, greedy billboard for corporate consumer garbage.		Hero Wins Because Villains are STUPID.
	Soundtrack Hyped So People See the Movie Just to Hear It. Often Soundtrack is BETTER and More Profitable Than Movie.		The Creative Well Has Run Dry! Let's Do a REMAKE!		The Creative Well Has Run Dry! Let's Do a SEQUEL!
	Teen Crapola. Regardless of Rating, Movie Appeals Only to Trendy People Aged 11-16.... and Some Retarded Adults.		People Go To See Movie Just To See "HOT" Actor or Actress. Just Watch PORN, Dumbasses.		Movie May Actually Cause Vomiting or Gastrointestinal Bleeding.
	Movie Has Subtitles. Illiterate Dipshits Beware!		Vehicle Movie. Movie Designed Only to Use Star's Fame as a Marketing Tool. I.E. Hanks, Willis, Schwarzeneggar, Roberts, Lopez.		Movie I Absolutely Refuse To See All The Way Through Even If I'm The Very Last Person On Earth Who Hasn't Seen It.
	Unlimited Ammo They fire hundreds of thousands of bullets without ever reloading. Guns never jam.		Movie is painfully predictable.		Extraneous Love Story Distracting, annoying love plot is added for no reason and does absolutely nothing to advance the main plot.

My rating based on a Scale of Zero to Ten. Some Pretentious Ratings Nerds Think They're Cool Because They Don't Give 10's. Well, I Don't Give 3's. Look How Smarmy and Cool I Am!

2001: After flying through a trippy landscape, Dave sees himself as an old man, a fetus, and someone who's movie career apparently included no other good movies.
2010: Since he can't find any sharks to kill in space, Roy Scheider convinces  Hal to help him escape just before all the monoliths consume Jupiter and turn it into a second sun, which is thought of as sign of goodwill and hope and not a sign of "ARRRRRGGGG, I'M BURRRRRRRRRNING!!!!! AAARRRRRR!!!!" Yeah- nothing like going outside when i't's 700 degrees to give me hope and raise my spirits.
25th Hour: Spike Lee once again tries to make a dialogue-driven movie, despite being not nearly as clever as he thinks he is. I mean, really? Two "I don't come down to your job and slap the dick out of your mouth" jabs in a ten minute span? Really? If even Phillip Seymore Hoffman and Ed Norton can't pull your movie out of the shitty realm of 8th grade insults, you really have problems. Then there's the mirror scene, where Ed Norton goes into this racist tirade about how everyone in New York is bullshit, and singles out everything he hates about every race and religious group, and I fully picture Spike Lee reciting this entire rant to himself every morning while spitting little splatters of toothpaste all over his bathroom mirror, so it's no wonder that it was so thought-out and flowing, while still being so hateful and specific. Basically, this guy is a drug kingpin type, gets out of the business, gets busted red-handed, and for some odd reason, this guy who is going to be in a maximum security prison for a decade or more gets the opportunity to roam around free for a while to tie up all his loose ends and say goodbye to everyone before he goes to prison, you know, just like in real life.
8 Mile: I liked this movie better back when it was called Cool as Ice.
8mm: Nicholas Cage kills the sleazy porno guy and then goes and kills the masked bondage guy (who turns out to be a mild looking guy - which is supposed to be some big jaw-dropper) and then goes to the hospital to get his stab wound fixed. It's a good thing he lives on a planet with no police so he doesn't get picked up at the hospital like every other person who kills two guys and comes into the hospital with some other guy's blood on him. I hear the legal system is pretty tolerant of vigilante justice when there is no evidence that the people killed did anything wrong.
Akira: Tetsuo is totally overwhelmed by his power and he turns into a big blobby thing that is nearly half the size of Big Pun before he turns into pure energy. I hate it when that happens.
Alien: The alien sneaks into the escape pod with Sigourney Weaver. She puts on a space suit and opens the airlock and it gets sucked into space. She then burns it up by using the engines of the pod. What the hell is up with those panties though?
Aliens (Alien 2): They blow up the big reactors, but the queen alien sneaks onto the ship (classically overused “but wait- there's more” ploy). Sigourney Weaver uses the big robotic loader (foreshadowing gone mad) to fight the alien and shoot it out the airlock (how original) and the dismembered drooly android says, “Not bad for a human,” and it sounds cool.
Alien 3: Sigourney Weaver is infected by an alien and just as it pops out of her chest she jumps into molten metal and the music goes DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!
Alien Resurrection: In a ploy to squeeze more life out of the series, they clone Sigourney Weaver after she killed herself in the last movie so they can get the alien out of her (and also so she will produce the movie so they can use her money). She turns out to have some alien characteristics, despite just looking like an aging Sigourney Weaver. She uses her alien blood to melt a hole in the window of the ship so the alien gets sucked out into a stream of silly string after ONCE AGAIN the alien sneaks onto the escape ship. GOOD THING THEY ENTERED EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE SO THERE'S AIR AND THE STARS DON'T GET KILLED.
All About My Mother: They say "Lo Siento" about 580 times.
Altered States: William Hurt turns into a vortex. I hate it when THAT happens too.
Amélie ( Le Fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain): Fuck you. I'm not wrecking it. It was amazing. Go see it, you lazy, illiterate bastards. You shitheads will sit through Caddyshack 2, edited for TV, but you'll avoid a phenomenal movie because you (gasp) might have to read subtitles.
American Beauty: Kevin Spacey gets his brains blown out by his latently homosexual next door neighbor. At least it didn't get on the couch.
American Pie: Pretty much everyone gets laid. Whoopity shit. What a creative shocker ending. Probably took a whole committee of writers months of debating and planning to come up with that one.
American Pie 2: Let's see if you learned anything from the first one... DING DING DING! You guessed right! Pretty much everyone gets laid.  YAY!!!
American Werewolf in London: He gets shot a whole bunch and his girlfriend cries as his body transforms back into a dead naked innocent looking guy.
Anaconda: It's got Ice Cube and a giant computer generated snake. How could it NOT be good? Well, it isn't.
Antwone Fisher:Denzel Washington plays the role of a strong black man who struggles against all odds to do what's right.
Apocalypse Now: In order to kill the colonel, Martin Sheen has to become as unfeeling as the colonel himself. He axes him with a machete and takes the tripped out dude home. But not before mumbling a lot.
Apocalypse Now Redux : It's longer.
Armageddon: Let's save the world! But first, let's see how witty we can be by zinging each other continually with wisecracks and jokes. The end of all life on Earth sure makes me feel like ribbing and cutting up. Gee! Who better to save the world from a giant comet than some DOOFUS LABORERS. Why not get the janitor to do it? He's not busy. Bruce Willis gets killed in space. Aww. What a loss. I'm drowning in my tears. Unfortunately, Ben Affleck DOES NOT get killed in the vacuum of space. Damn. Now I really am going to cry.
Baby Geniuses: Since nobody has ever SEEN this movie, I could completely lie and no one would know the difference. One of the babies becomes so intelligent that he uses telekinesis to crush the skulls of the other babies. That's not really all that impressive considering that babies have a soft spot in their skulls which makes them crush quite easily.... I mean.. if you were to ..uh.. want to do such a .. uh .. DREADFUL thing.....      WHAT?!?!?
Basic Instinct : "Hey. Guess what? I killed him. No Really. I killed him. An ice pick you say? Oh. Like this one? I'm fucking telling you, I killed him. Really. Still wanna fuck me? Yeah, I know I'm sexy and bisexual and intriguing." And guess what? SHE REALLY DID KILL HIM, DUMBASS!
Batman: Batman WINS!
Batman Returns: Batman WINS!
Batman Forever: Batman WINS!
Batman and Robin: Batman WINS! Audience LOSES!
Batman Begins: Batman WINS!
Battlefield Earth: Alien invaders enslave the human race and deplete all the earth's resources in a manner similar to the way the producers of this movie depleted their bank accounts by burning millions of dollars making this fucking GAWD-awful piece of dogshit. Once again it goes to show that a star-studded cast won't fix your shitty writing and directing. Oh sure... blame it on post production.
Better Off Dead: The kid never winds up getting his two dollars.
The Big Lebowski: All the Dude wanted was his rug back. Goddamn that was a good movie... What? Pfft- if you were gonna see it you would have by now, so there's no point in me wrecking it. For everyone else, enjoy watching "Kazaam" OVER AND OVER AND OVER until your brain slides out of your ears and makes squishy puddles on your shoulders.
Blade: Wesley Snipes has a desperate thirst... you can tell by the stupid character voice he does through the whole movie. Get that guy a glass of water for fuck sakes. Uhh - he kills a shitload of hipster vampires and makes nerdy guys go WOOOO!!! But you already knew that part. And what the hell does SILVER have to do with fucking Vampires?? Silver is for Wolfmen, fuckheads!
Blade 2: I had a stomach virus and there was NOTHING on TV, so I ended up watching this Playstation game... Errr I mean movie (Yes, that was a disclaimer / excuse). Remember in the last one where he had to fight that Super Vampire? This time he had to fight a whole gang of Super Ultra Mega Uber Vampires. (Count Floyd voice) Boooo Scary! These vampires are Ultra spooky because they have a mouth that is directly derivative of the Alien and the Predator... COMBINED! Wooooo! And they have a heart that's encapsulated in bone EXCEPT FOR THE SIDE!! (Note foreshadowing point). This movie is completely overloaded in computer graphics. The physics are so completely ignored that the fighting sequences seriously look like Tekken, and the 'Vampire Burning Up' sequences look like they were rendered on a Nintendo Game Cube. The spooky old Vampire guy who wanted Blade to kill the Super Ultra Mega Uber Vampires, who, from the first shot, seemed like he was going to double-cross him ends up double-crossing him. Big surprise. Blade kills all the vampires. Another big shocker.
Blade Runner: After Rutger Hauer dies, Harrison Ford tries to protect the only replicant he ever met who could give a decent hummer.
The Blair Witch Project: A low budget, fairly creative film is made about 3 kids who go into the woods and all get killed. It scores at the box office. Oh... and this makes all the goth kids spooge in their pants.
The Blair Witch Project 2: Hollywood sticks its greedy head in and makes a generic teenybopper horror movie that you could buy condensed in a can. Just Add Stupid. This makes me want to nuke California off the map... Even More.
Blue Crush : Wow! A movie all about cute chicks being cute! I'm so there! Actually, there's no way in hell you'd ever be able to strap me to a chair and force my eyelids open to watch it. Fortunately, the trailer showed people all they really needed to know... that Michelle Rodriguez plays the token tough latin chick.
Blue Velvet : Agent Cooper, err, I mean Jeffrey Beaumont shoots King Koopa, errr, I mean Frank Booth as he sucks on his nitrous tank... What ?!?! ..... DON'T YOU FUCKIN' LOOK AT ME!!!
Body of Evidence: Apparently the only people who have ever seen this are Madonna, her publicist, and four gay men. I believe in occasionally "taking one for the team," but not enough to subject myself to this in order to give you an accurate review. Ohhhhh, Willem! The things we do to keep the the fridge full. If you needed a few bucks to get you by, you should have just asked.
The Bone Collector: Denzel Washington plays the role of a strong black man who struggles against all odds to do what's right.
Bottle Rocket: It's been a while since I saw it, so I forget. So.... Ummmm. Hi. How's work going? Boring? Sorry to hear that. (Updated 8/25/02) So I bought it on DVD and it's pretty good... What? Can't I sit back and relish the feeling that I'm one of a few hundred people who knows how it ends?
Bram Stoker's Dracula : A vampire movie where the vampire doesn't get cooked by the sun? Is that legal?
The Breakfast Club: A bunch of high school kids stuck in detention turn out to be way deeper and profound than most adults, probably because 27 year olds are portraying 16 year olds.
Bringing Out the Dead: Nicholas Cage yanks the plug on Patricia Arquette's dad. Hey, man - whatever breaks the ice.
Casino: That's gonna leave a mark.
Cast Away: In FedEx: The Motion Picture, Tom Hanks gets stuck on a desert island, and does not get to attend the Oscars for three years while he is missing. I gave up on counting FedEx logos about 15 minutes into this movie, when I had tallied 45. And the ending? He gets off the island on a raft and goes back to civilization to find that his wife has remarried and has kids, thus he goes his own way into a big hyper-sentimental load of corny symbolism. Come ON, Zemeckis! Angel Wings? Standing at the Crossroads? Holy FUCK! This infantile, clichéd, overt symbolism is the most creative shit you could contrive? I mean really! You want a dishwashing job? I might be able to hook you up.
The Cell: Jennifer Lopez stars in a movie about computer generated bondage gear, though the movie doesn't explore this to the point of actually being interesting. And for some reason they STILL haven't figured out that Vince Vaughn can't act his way out of a wet paper bag.
Citizen Kane: As Orson Welles dies, he goes "ROOOOOOOOSEBUUUUUUDD." Who writes this shit?
The City of Lost Children: They find the children.
Charlie's Angels: I only caught the last hour of this on cable, and it's an hour of my life that I will NEVER GET BACK. Three chicks who are completely impervious to any damage from shrapnel, 40 foot falls, and explosions, who live in a world where the laws of physics do not apply, run around ALMOST showing their tits and using infantile comedy to sell a really horrid movie to a bunch of PG-13-ers who still can't admit that they ever masturbated.
Chinatown: She's her daughter AND he sister.
A Clockwork Orange: Alex was a boy who liked a bit of the ultraviolence. When he's nabbed for murder and goes to prison, they put him into an experimental reconditioning program where they bollocks up his gulliver real horrorshow. After being released, he runs into the people who he'd hurt in the past, including his old droogs, and since he's been reprogrammed to not be able to defend himself, they all revel in torturing him. After he tries to snuff it, the government official who had put him into the reconditioning program finds him in the hospital nibbling away at steaky-wakes. He offers to support and protect him from his enemies in exchange for his silence to prevent an embarrassing PR mess for his party.
Commando: Arnie rips a big pipe off the wall with no effort and javelins the bad guy through the middle of his chest onto a boiler faster than the guy can squeeze off a even single round from his Mac-10, and as the steam shoots through the pipe and the bad guy does the "arg, I've been skewered to a boiler" squirm, Arnie says, "LET OFF SOME STEAM." OK CLAP NOW.
Cool as Ice: Vanilla Ice plays the role of a young singer who is eager to become a big star. No wait.. I think that was Glitter... But uhh .. I don't remember Mariah Carey having a motorcycle or a leather jacket with fruity colors... Shit, now I'm all confused. Oh well - don't see either of them unless you're bulimic and are tired of the old "tickle the uvula" technique.
Crash: Open Netflix envelope. Place DVD in DVD Player. Press play. Preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, THE END. Eject DVD. DO NOT SMASH. Place DVD in Netflix envelope. Place Netflix envelope in mailbox. DO NOT KICK MAILBOX. Projectile vomit on the sidewalk.
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon: After we were already 15 minutes into the movie the retard behind me said really loudly, "Damn, dog. Ain't they gonna speak in ENGLISH?" Then he started reading the subtitles out loud in a Kung Fu Theatre voice. I know that doesn't really ruin the movie for you, but it almost ruined it for me.
The Crow: A rock star uses the power of raw teen angst to come back to life despite the fact that the actor who plays him is dead. They superglue his face-skin on Johnny the Homicidal Maniac and he kills everyone who ever so much as spit out gum on his lawn. This makes every 14 year old goth kid in America orgasm in his pants.
The Crying Game: It's a MAN.
Dead Man: He dies.... *shrug*
Death To Smoochy: He doesn't die... *shrugs again*
Deep Blue Sea: It's got LL Cool J and a shark with a human brain. How could it NOT be good? His hat is like a shark's fin, y'know. The sharks are all computer rendered, but there's no technology that's better than LL Cool J licking his lips and winking at the camera. Oh and uhh... They kill the shark. I know. You're as surprised as me.
Deep Impact: Bruce Willis and ..... umm... Morgan Freeman umm.... Whoa, now I'm totally confused. Wasn't that the one about the meteor or comet or something that was going to hit the Earth and wipe out all life? Yeah, the one from 1998. Huh? What do you mean Robert Duvall was in it, but Ben Affleck wasn't? Bruce Willis wasn't either? Dude! You must be on crack. Yeah, the one from 1998. A different one? Oh, yeah right, like they're really stupid enough to release two movies that are exactly the fucking same in the same year!
Deliverance: I know it's wrong, but I just can't look at Ned Beatty the same way anymore.
The Departed: Stars Leonardo DiCaprio (Brains blown out), Matt Damon (Brains blown out), Jack Nicholson (Shot in the heart by Matt Damon), Martin Sheen (Thrown off a tall building onto the sidewalk), Alec Baldwin (Who lives, sigh...) Anthony Anderson (Brains blown out), and Mark Wahlberg (Who blows Matt Damon's brains out). Eh, don't cry too much. I knew most of the above due to movie spoilers, and it was still one of the best movies I've seen in years..
Die Hard:He coincidentally runs into terrorists, gets beaten up really bad, says some catch phrases, and then kills them.
Die Hard 2: He coincidentally runs into terrorists, gets beaten up really bad, says some catch phrases, and then kills them.
Die Hard With a Vengeance: He coincidentally runs into terrorists, gets beaten up really bad, says some catch phrases, and then kills them.
Dirty Harry: Punk feels lucky: is not.
Donnie Darko: Lots of people who know my tastes in movies said, "Dude, you've GOT to see Donnie Darko! It's SO fucking good. I saw it when I was really stoned, and it KICKED ASS! Like, after I watched it, I just sat and thought about it for hours, because it was so good and deep and .. uhh... GOOD-DEEP!" When I first saw the trailers and ads for this movie I got creeped out. Not because I thought it was creepy, but because of how much it looked like a boring teen scream flick that I was sure to never bother seeing. I thought, "Gee - what a lame American Pie meets Jeepers Creepers piece of lame computer animated Hollywood Cheese!" Skeptical as I was, I had heard enough people tell me I would like it, and had read enough favorable reviews to dump 10 bucks on the DVD when I saw it on sale. I have to tell you, folks. I was misled. I could not have been more wrong about my initial reactions to the trailer. As it turns out, this movie is MUCH WORSE than I could have possibly guessed. Not only is it a lame teen scream movie, it's also loaded to the gills with hackneyed "ooooh isn't this weird" sight gags, overblown characters that are like glaring caricatures, stupid teenage dialogue so bad it makes The Breakfast Club pale in comparison, plot premises that are left intentionally open since those are the instructions straight out of the Hollywood Textbook of How to Make Your Audience of 15 Year Olds Think "OOOOOHH! WEIRD! SPOOKY!" and REALLY, HORRIBLY SUB-PAR computer animation that makes that Cat Litter commercial where the cat makes the "WHOAH" face look really high-tech. A few years back, there was a program called Goo that you could get at CompUSA for about 20 bucks that could have recreated about 90% of the CGI in this movie. Seriously, though. The Abyss was released in 1989. You still haven't advanced since that goofy water blob thing? It's time to get some computer effects consistent with the century you are living in. Actually, to say that it's a Teen Scream movie is somewhat unfair and oversimplified. It's more of a failed attempt at making a movie that's spooky and weird. Donnie Darko (Wow! What a convenient name) is this Trent Reznor action figure with an annoying Avril Lavigne action figure girlfriend. He spends the entire movie delivering really trite lines that are meant to be SPOOKY or anti-authoritarian, and hearing voices in his head through generic voice-overs that come from this SPOOKY bunny-rabbit guy. WHOAH! It's a BUNNY, but it's SPOOKY! Donnie, of course, spends the entire movie sneering while looking through his eyebrows because he's SPOOKY! Other "ooooh look at the spooky weirdness" images include Grandma Death (great original name), and the school mascot which looks like an anthropomorphic constipated pitbull. The movie kind of meanders along a pointless stream of events leading up to a certain date when something SPOOKY is supposed to happen. To kill time, the SPOOKY Harvey bunny gets Donnie to vandalize things, because vandalism is SPOOKY. More time is wasted on the lame Avril Lavigne chick who has all the acting ability of the mildew in Gary Coleman's shower and Donnie's visits to his psychiatrist, both of which don't add a speck of ANYTHING relevant to the plot, but create room for more SPOOKY dialogue. In the most rewarding scene, the girlfriend gets run over and killed by the guy in the SPOOKY bunny suit (as I cheer at the TV for the dumb little cunt's annoying whining being put to an end once and for all... until the end - Keep reading). Nice anticlimax there, assholes! The SPOOKY EVIL BUNNY is just some loser metalhead who's a lousy driver wearing a Halloween costume. The long awaited day of SPOOKINESS arrives, and since the writer is too inept to write something abstract to show Donnie traveling back through time and getting smushed by a falling jet engine, he uses more hokey Abyss CGI to make a WORM HOLE THROUGH SPACE AND TIME, because the audience really needs some more horrendous Nintendo effects in their lives to spoon feed them the concept, "OOOH LOOK AT HIM GO! HE'S FLYING BACK THROUGH TIME! SEE HIM? THERE HE GOES! BACK THROUGH TIME! ISN'T THAT SPOOKY?"
Double Take: The jaws of HELL open up and engulf an entire theatre audience and then chew slowly and mercilessly for 90 minutes.
Dr. Strangelove: I watched it three times. I tried to like it. I really did.
Dude, Where's My Car?: Dude, Where's my money back?
Dune (David Lynch): After David Lynch does a bunch of Hollywood shit that never happened in the book, Paul uses the sandworms to beat the Harkonnans. He jams a knife through Sting's head (wishful thinking) and then he makes it rain (which also never happened in the book).
Dune (aka Frank Herbert's Dune): Hey - let's make it 6 hours instead of 2, hype the SHIT out of it for weeks before its Sci-Fi Channel debut, make an SGI Workstation melt from overload, and let's pronounce all the names differently than the David Lynch version, JUST FOR THE FUCK OF IT. For added fun, let's make William Hurt try to carry an entire cast of nobodies on his untalented shoulders. HOO BOY!
Dungeons & Dragons: Whew... That was BAD. Ok, Jeremy Irons. I know you gotta keep the fridge full, but DAMN. The Man in the Iron Mask? Dude. You're allowed to turn stuff down, y'know.
Easy Rider: Fonda, Hopper and Nicholson all live happily every after in this story of tolerance, understanding and the American Dream. Well... the "American" part is true at least. Gotta love the South.
Eraserhead: He kills the freakbaby and a mountain of mashed potatoes comes out before it turns into a giant freakbaby.. What? You want meaning? I could try, but I'd be grabbing at straws. It's just weird. Can't something just be weird without you stroking your chin?
E.T. The Extraterrestrial: An alien gets stuck on earth and becomes billboard for Reese's Pieces, Pepsi, Domino's Pizza, and Speak 'n' Spell. Gertie does a bunch of drugs and shows her saggy tits to everyone... No wait.. Sorry - that comes later. In 2002, to celebrate its 20th Anniversary, Speilberg re-released E.T. as a more politically correct movie. He replaces the cops' guns with walkie talkies - because it's politically correct to be STUPID.
Face Off: After a completely impossible boat chase that would have liquefied both the hero and the villain, Travolta kills Cage and adopts his son and his family welcomes him by doing that idiotic hand over face thing. Yeah, I know when I love someone I like to express it by smearing my hand down their face like a retard.... Ok.. Now that I just remembered the stupid "I heart U" face rubbing crap, I'm changing my rating to
Fargo: After sticking Steve Buscemi in the wood chipper, Peter Stormare gets busted by a pregnant cop who says "YAHHHH" through the whole movie. Quite possibly the first movie in history that had a pregnant woman in it who did NOT go into labor at some critical point of suspense.
The Fast and the Furious: I was talking to (hitting on) a girl in a bar and she was talking about how she couldn't wait to see "The Fast and the Furious" and I kinda just smiled and didn't say anything. I wasn't going to offer to take her out to see it because I don't think I need sex badly enough to sit through it to get it, especially if it requires that I have to avoid making fun of how fucking bad it is. Michelle Rodriguez plays the token tough latin chick.
2 Fast 2 Furious: Tons of reviewers said it was the worst movie they've ever seen, yet it stayed at number one in the box office for over a month. What more proof do you need that the human herd needs to be culled? You won't find me in the theatre for this one. You'll find me in the parking lot with about 20 crates of eggs and the scrapity goodness of my nice sharp car keys gliding along the sides of your cars. Jah Rule was in the last one. This one has Tyrese and Ludakris. Pulling the best and brightest into the theatres, I see. What a challenging audience you're shooting for.
Fatal Attraction: I donno... I mean. X-14 is good on mildew stains, but I don't think that stain is ever gonna come out. They might have to re-grout it.
The Fifth Element: I'm loathe to write about it because I'm still trying to forget it. Let's see what happens when you cram a corny premise with as many overused stars like Chris "One Trick Pony" Tucker as you can scrape together, add enough cartoony computer effects to make Silicon Valley burst into flames, add as many terrible sight gags and witty comebacks as you can. GUESS WHAT! THE GIRL WEARING THE PLASTIC SIX PACK LOOPS IS THE FIFTH ELEMENT! She fires a mega bulemia beam out of her mouth and saves the Earth. YAY. I think I'm gonna go slit my wrists now.
Fight Club: Brad Pitt Turns out to be Ed Norton’s imaginary friend/alter personality but he can still kick Ed Norton’s ass. Ed Norton shoots himself through the jaw, which kills his Brad Pitt persona, but conveniently he doesn't blow his brains out so he can deliver the movie's punchline as the buildings blow up to the tune of a Pixies song.
Forrest Gump: A retarded guy wanders aimlessly through EVERY SINGLE important event that happened between 1960 and the 1980's and has a kid with his lifelong crush who dies of AIDS. He also causes uninspired sheep-people to spout platitude quotes from the movie, imitating his retarded character voice for the next five years so they all mistakenly think they're witty. "Run Forrest, Run! Hehehehe. Get it? Heheheh. Life is like a box of chocolates! Heheheh. Get it? Uhhh... Heh..... Ahem... Cough... Run Forrest, Run!! HAHAH!! Get it?" Oh and uhhh - the feather thing... No, no.. that metaphor wasn't even a BIT obvious.
Fright Night: Julia Roberts gets her film debut. Huh? That's not her? Hmmm.
Full Metal Jacket: So much for R. Lee Ermey being cast as anything but a militaristic screaming guy.
Ghost in the Shell: The chick with the big robotic jugs merges with the other chick with the big robotic jugs and after being blown to pieces is reborn in the cybernetic body of a little girl with no jugs at all! WHAT A RIPOFF!
Gigli: How many reviewers have to say that it's the worst movie they've ever seen before it keeps a movie from hitting number one at the box office? 2 Fast 2 Furious reinforces this point. There are very few movies that I am as dead set against ever seeing as Gigli. There are a lot of movies that I won't end up seeing, but this is one that I take an active interest in not seeing. Even the NAME makes me want to spit at someone. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck both make my eye twitch, and the mere thought of having to sit through an hour and a half of BOTH of them at the same time in a romantic comedy (the lowest known form of human entertainment, below professional wrestling, lottery scratch-offs and monster trucking) is enough to make the bile rise in my throat. Seeing this movie is on my list of things to do... several hundred notches below "let someone with shaky Parkinson's hands cut my cornea with a lemon juice soaked piece of posterboard," "slam nuts in car door while the car is moving and I'm running along side on a bumpy road full of potholes and rocks," and "witness the end of humanity as intercontinental ballistic missiles rain down from the sky." I'm so tired of seeing these two morons in the news, too. "Is their relationship good? Did he cheat on her? Do they have gay 3 ways with Matt Damon?" Who gives a fuck? What these two need is a nice Fatty Arbuckle style ending. Something where they go down in a burning cloud of shame and horror that makes everyone in Hollywood too embarrassed to look you in the eye. Cannibalism... Decapitation... Bestiality... Mix it up! Surprise us! C'mon guys! Get to it! It'll be the most interesting thing either of you have ever done in your entire careers.
Girlfight: Michelle Rodriguez plays the token tough latin chick.
Glitter: As it turns out, Mariah Carey is as talented as an actress as she is as a musician...    Look for the irony. It's there.
The Godfather: After Vito dies, Michael figures out who's double-crossing him and has every one of his enemies killed. After he lied to his wife about it, she went on to make 30something, and hence made me vomit all over my TV.
Godzilla: After spending half the movie explaining plot loopholes like asexual reproduction in large vertebrates, and making a whole bunch of physically impossible giant mouse-holes in sky scrapers,  they kill Godzilla by luring it onto a suspension bridge where it gets tangled and is shot by rockets from jets. They use the typical “Uh Oh! One got away” sequel-setup ending as they show an egg cracking open and a Jurassic Park velociraptor ripoff screaming at the camera.
Gone with the Wind: After Rhett Butler doesn't give a damn, Scarlet O’Hara pledges to eat dirty carrots and turnips out of the ground. Yeah. I gave it a four. Ted Turner can eat my balls.
Gremlins: Typical "Pandora's Box" scenario with the convenient Hollywood "out." The Gremlins' main weakness is sunlight.... GUESS WHAT KILLS THEM IN THE END!
Gremlins 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO! Wow, it sure is convenient that the laboratory left bottles of potions with labels showing pictures of a SPIDER and a BAT on them, otherwise, the completely brainless idiots watching the movie wouldn't have known what effect it would have on the gremlins! I'm sure all chemists label their elixirs with pictures of what they do. I'll bet at Pfizer, in the Viagra lab, they have jars of stuff with pictures of big boners on them. Watch me drink out of this bottle with a picture of a guy with a 10 foot long middle finger on the label. Guess what it does! It helps me review this movie!
Hannibal: What better way to follow up a great thriller than by making a cheesy sequel years later! Anthony Hopkins spends 80% of the movie delivering quasi-creepy lines which only de-emphasize how brilliant and mysterious he's supposed to be. And all the stupid little dipshits with no taste in movies went, "OH MY GOD! HE MADE THAT GUY EAT HIS OWN BRAINS!" Shut the fuck up. Has anyone ever heard of shock value? Easy ploys? Predictability? That whole scene was nothing more than a money shot for a movie with about as much gripping suspense as watching CSPAN for 6 hours. Agent Starling handcuffs him, and he chops off his own hand to get away. Then he gives some kid on a plane some of the brains. "Gee. I'd better run away before the cops get me! Good thing I brought some tupperware containers so I can save this pan seared brain! Wouldn't want it to go to waste! Pfffft! That's the sound of freshness!" "Pffft" is also the sound I made about 20 times during this movie as they tried and failed repeatedly to make it shocking. "Oooooh look! That guy's face is all fucked up! Ooooh look! The pigs ate that guy! Ooooh Look! That guy got hanged and his guts fell out and splattered pseudo-dramatically against the ground in slow motion!" Pffft! Pfffffft! PFFFFFT! As I'm writing this, they're on the verge of releasing "Red Dragon," which should probably be even worse.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone: You think I wanna wait in the cold in the ticket line for hours? Great! What a TREAT! I can squeeze into a theatre filled to the gills with A.) Screaming Children and B.) Annoying Adults who will say over and over "Here comes my favorite part" and "That never happened in the book." I'm waiting for video, you hypey choadburgers. (Update) Ok, so it's out on video... and uhhh... Hmmm... Nah.
The Haunting: They can use a computer to render ghosts coming out of the walls, but they can't render ticket buyers into the theatre. Holy fucking Jesus Smoking Watermelon Rinds that was bad! The ghost turns out to be the girl's Grandfather or some crap and he gets sucked into hell and the girl's spirit goes up to heaven. Hmmm - I can't really think of a more clichéd way to end it other than maybe some huge explosions or an Ewok feast with singing and laughing.
He Got Game: Denzel Washington plays the role of a strong black man who struggles against all odds to do what's right.
House of 1000 Corpses: The highly overrated rocker Rob Zombie watches Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, likes it, and decides that he's going to just make a movie that is EXACTLY THE GODDAMN SAME.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas: The Grinch stars as Jim Carey (no that wasn't an typo) in a movie about commercialism and childhood trauma and a lot of other things that I doubt Dr. Seuss could give a rat's ass about. Ahh - nothing like taking a traditional classic and adding lots of trendy modern platitudes like "Don't go there" and "Talk to the hand." What's sad is the screen writers think they're making it better. And gee- you think this movie got enough prerelease hype? YA THINK?
The Hunt for Red October: Sean Connery plays a Russian submarine captain who's trying to defect to the US. You can tell he's Russian by his glaring Scottish accent.
The Hurricane: Denzel Washington plays the role of a strong black man who struggles against all odds to do what's right.
Independence Day (ID4): Despite the fact that all the alien technology is so advanced that we couldn't possibly comprehend it, Jeff Goldblum makes a computer virus on his IMac with one hand still stroking his chin and logs onto AOL and uploads it via AIM with the filename "HOTGIRLS.EXE" to the alien spacecraft.
Indiana Jones, Raiders of the Lost Ark: The ark shoots out ghosts which kill all the nazis and then it gets put into a big matte painting of a giant warehouse.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom: Harrison Ford uses the power of the rocks to burn the guy's hand and he falls into the crocodile infested river. Hmm - maybe those stories about Spielberg and little boys are true.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: The effeminate villain drinks from the wrong cup and turns into Anna Nicole Smith's husband.
Inland Empire: David Lynch: "Hey, Laura, wanna do a movie?" Laura Dern: "What's it about?" David Lynch: "Fuck if I know. I've been thinking... You know how all those other movies I did had some sort of underlying plot, even if some of them took a little work to figure out?" Laura Dern: "Yeah." David Lynch: "Well, at this point, I've pretty much lost my mind, and I want to do a movie with all the weird visual imagery and uncomfortable silence and stilted dialogue like my other movies, but get this... NO PLOT!" Laura Dern: "No plot at all?" David Lynch: "Fuck it! That whole 'plot' thing was holding me back. Seriously, I'm even going to have dance routines that have nothing to do with anything. Then comes the best part." Laura Dern: "What's that?" David Lynch: "Check it out. We're going to just sit back and read internet forums where all my most die-hard fanboys will call me a genius and discuss what the movie was supposedly about, even though it's all a bunch of meaningless bullshit." Laura Dern: "Sounds fun. When does filming start?" David Lynch: "Well... it's 4pm now. How soon can you get here?" Laura Dern: "Like half an hour? But wait. You're not going to like shoot the entire film with the camera 5 inches from my face are you? I mean, the years really haven't been kind to me and my pores look like they could swallow up whole cars." David Lynch: "WOW! I never thought of that. Do you mind if I do that?" Laura Dern: "Hmmmm... Can I be in the credits as co-producer?" David Lynch: "Deal!"
Interview with the Vampire: Yes, Tom Cruise is gay.
Jacob's Ladder: He's really been dead through the whole movie. Fortunately Macaulay Culkin has also been dead through the whole movie so he didn't have a chance to beat up his mom or start any fires or anything.
Jaws : They kill the shark.
Jaws II: They kill the shark.
Jaws 3d : They kill the shark in 3d. Gee! It's a good thing that the diver with the grenade was in the shark's mouth, UNSWALLOWED and still WHOLE, for a few days, and it sure was nifty that his hand never let go of that grenade.
Jaws: The Revenge: Guess. No really. Please guess. They kill the shark ... Yeah - I know - you thought the 4th one was going to throw you a curveball. Gotta love Mario Van Peebles! Nice fake Caribbean accent there, champ. And uh, Michael Caine... Time for a new agent, buddy. God killed Raul Julia for making "Street Fighter." You should really be more careful. "ROAR! I AM A SHARK! ROAR! LOOK AT ME STANDING UPRIGHT IN THE WATER! JUST LIKE A SHARK! ROAR!" At that point I bit down hard on the cyanide tablet to end the pain.
Jesus Camp: Batshit crazy Christian supremacists who are racked with guilt, have no respect or tolerance for other worldviews, religions or cultures and no understanding of science work tirelessly to brainwash their poor kids to be batshit crazy Christian supremacists who are racked with guilt, have no respect or tolerance for other worldviews, religions or cultures and no understanding of science. Their success in achieving this goal is enough to make any rational person's blood run cold.
Jin Roh: The indestructible, heavily armed Stormtrooper guys are awesome for the five minutes that they're actually really fighting. Admit it. You bought this DVD because you wanted to watch a well animated movie about a guy struggling with his guilt and having bad dreams. Right???
John Q: Denzel Washington plays the role of a strong black man who struggles against all odds to do what's right.
Jurassic Park: The few people who don't get eaten fly away in a helicopter, leaving the dinosaurs living on the island (sequel setup) and the old guy mourns his failure as he looks at the little mosquito in the amber cane handle that supposedly explains all the biologically impossible bullshit that they feed the audience through the entire movie. Come on, dinosaurs. You didn't think Jeff Goldblum looked tasty? I would have bought the dvd if it had Jeff Goldblum getting torn noisily into jerky strips.
Jurassic Park 2: Hoo-Haa! While we're getting chased by hungry, carnivorous dinosaurs, let's continually zing each other with clever, witty wisecracks! That's what I always do when I'm running in terror.
Jurassic Park 3: A bunch of white people get chased by some scary computer animated dinosaurs and miraculously get to safety at the last possible second. A few people get killed during the movie, including a few good guys and everyone "who deserved it." Of course, some dinosaurs remain alive in case they decide to make ANOTHER sequel. I actually wrote the review a few weeks prior to seeing the movie. When it came on cable, I got to find out how right I was.
Kai Doh Maru: Ahh, where to begin... This anime movie was marketed brilliantly. The DVD cover was gorgeous. They had the usual reviewer quotes telling how stunning the movie was and they made sure to mention that it was made by IG, the makers of Blood: The Last Vampire, Ghost in the Shell and F.L.C.L. (I thought WOW! The latest installment from the people that made those landmarks of anime. Boy, was I duped). What a shame (or sham) that the marketing was where the brilliance ended. This is a shining example of directors being really vague in an attempt to create an air of mystery and taking it way too far, or simply being too lazy to fill in enough gaps to make it reasonably coherent. Mystery is cool. So much mystery that you'd need to be able to read the writer's and director's minds in order to glean anything at all about what's going on is really NOT cool. That's just amateurish writing. Not only that, but they were apparently wholly focused on experimenting with the look and feel of the movie to the extent that the odd appearance overrides everything else. It's as though they just threw a slapdash story together as an excuse to try out their animation style. Let me give you as brief a run down as possible. Nah, fuck it. This one needs to be ripped to shreds so nobody else gets ripped off like I did. First off, the main character makes no sense at all. In the opening scene, Kai Doh Maru is running from a bunch of guys in masks through the woods with his injured mother who calls him "prince." The head bad guy in this scene takes off his mask to reveal, "HAH-HAHH! I'm your UNCLE! Don't bother remembering this fact because this is the last time you'll even see me in this movie, thus making my identity completely irrelevant! HAH-HAH!" The guys kill Kai Doh Maru's mother and then some monks come out of nowhere on horseback and rescue him. Why? Donno! Why was his uncle trying to kill him and his mother? Donno! In the next scene we're introduced to a Creepy Eyebrowless Chick who wants to be his wife. Cut (don't smoothly segue) to the next scene where we have the Creepy Eyebrowless Chick hanging out with this white haired person who looks like Kai Doh Maru by a river bank. They make some vague statements about, "All the water is poisoned. That's why there's a plague and everyone's dying. Don't bother to remember this fact because it will not be mentioned again and plays absolutely no part in the plot of the movie from here out." In the next scene, suddenly Kai Doh Maru is a PRINCESS and they call her "Kintoki," which sounds exactly like "Kentucky." This gets old fast. "Hey, Kentucky, you should work on your sword technique. Hey, Kentucky, here comes your old friend. Hey, Kentucky, do they really have blue grass in Kentucky?" How did he turn into a girl with a different name between scenes? Donno! I don't think there were any sex change surgeons back in Feudal Japan. What could be the plot point in making his/her gender ambiguous? Donno! So what kind of life does this prince/ss lead? S/he's a SECURITY GUARD. Yes indeed. The heir to the throne is up late nights keeping watch on the town on horseback with the same monks who rescued him/her. There was great character design on these monks by the way. The three of them are all practically indistinguishable from each other except one is plain, one has messy hair and an eye patch and one of them has a stripe over the bridge of his nose like the 80's new wave singer, Adam Ant. At this point, I think it should be mentioned that everything is animated in flat, unshaded pale pastel colors with computer generated backgrounds. If you're going to put cel animation on top of computer generated imagery, it HAS to blend. This looks like someone cut the pen-drawn characters out of paper and tacked them on top of someone's architectural 3d model. The use of flat pastel colors on top of untextured 3d CGI makes the whole thing look really hokey. The cels have no depth at all and look like pre-production sketches which need to be colored in and shaded. The only color that's vivid is red blood, and even that's only bright red at certain times. So the monks and Kentucky happen upon a rickshaw in the street late at night and the white-haired Kentucky clone attacks them. All the fight scenes are done in this blurry shaky-cam style to emphasize lightning fast movement, which only succeeds in making it blurry and shaky and incomprehensible. WOW! What an awesome fight scene! At least I think it was. I was too busy having an epileptic seizure to be sure. Why did the white haired clone attack? Donno! Who is he/she? Donno! Why have I stuck to watching this movie this long? Donno! So they cut to the "bad guy lair" and the Creepy Eyebrowless Chick and the Kentucky clone are hanging out talking nonchalantly about "Yeah well, they chopped my arm off. Oh well. So what's up with you?" At this point they introduce the infamous VAGUELY MENACING CHILDREN. These two look identical except one has long hair. They even both wear identical clothing. Who are they and why are they important? Donno! They go outside and see a mob of the masked people. Who are the masked people? Donno! How are they connected with the Creepy Eyebrowless Chick, the Kentucky clone or the Vaguely Menacing Children? Donno! So one of the Vaguely Menacing Children says, "Let's burn the city." Why? Donno! So the mob goes around burning the city. At this point I noticed that the ONLY people in this movie are the main characters and the mob. There are no people running down the streets in terror because of the fire. Wow - I never knew CGI houses were so flammable. The city council should rewrite the building code to enforce less flammable CGI housing materials. So the mob arrives at the monks' base and capture Kentucky. Just as the Creepy Eyebrowless Chick is about to take him/her back to the baddy lair, everyone starts melting. Why? Donno! No wait! There's a wizard in the crowd and he's causing an illusion. The Creepy Eyebrowless Chick stabs him with a sword saying, "I CONTROL THE SPELL!" and everything goes back to normal. But uhh - who was that wizard guy? Donno! Why is he significant? Donno - and now that he's dead, I guess we'll never find out. What did she mean when she said she controlled the spell? Donno! The monks corner the Kentucky clone and he/she cuts off Eyepatch's arm. Plain then shoots an arrow into his/her belly and he/she retaliates by (get this) EXPLODING. How did he/she explode and ignite a nearby CGI tinderbox house? Donno! They didn't even pretend to explain this. They didn't show a bomb. They didn't go "Hey - check out that big barrel on his/her back that says TNT on the side with a burning fuse sticking out of it," nothing. Basically it was like, "Oh yeah? Well, " *BOOOOOOM!!!!* So you never see the Kentucky clone again. But wait. He/she seemed to be a pretty significant character. What was his/her importance and why did he/she seem to be a clone of Kentucky? Donno! So Plain goes off to rescue Kentucky and bumps into the Vaguely Menacing Children and a mob of the mask people. He kills all the mask people and then Adam Ant comes out of the clear blue fucking sky (and yes, it's blue, as is about 50% of this movie in two or three shades of light pastel blue) and STABS Plain with a spear. Why? Donno! Here you have a guy who was his close comrade in arms and in the blurry blink of a shaky-cam eye, "Oh hey! What's up! I'm gonna kill you now!" No foreshadowing. No explanation. Just, "Whassup!" *STICK* Meanwhile in the baddy lair, Creepy Eyebrowless Chick is trying to get all lovey dovey with Kentucky. A few seconds later, Kentucky comes out the front door of the lair alone, clutching his/her gut and trailing blood. Wha-happen? Donno! S/he finds the Vaguely Menacing Children and Adam Ant gone and Plain lying dead. Whoah. Finally, the plot is getting somewhat interesting. THE END! What?!?!?! What happened to Adam Ant or the Vaguely Menacing Children? Donno! What happened to Creepy Eyebrowless Chick? Donno! I mean, I can GUESS, but if the writers had any clue how to form narrative structure, I WOULDN'T HAVE TO. I mean, how much of an admission of inadequacy is it when the feature itself is only 45 minutes long, and the production supplemental material on the DVD is 30 minutes long? If a book is 300 pages long and the Forward and Appendix, which you couldn't possibly understand the story without, comprise 125 pages of that, then the narrative itself is REALLY REALLY crappily written. What really pissed me off is that when this DVD is listed on web catalogues, they say "Running time: 75 minutes." Sure, everything on the fucking disk, including the supplemental material and ADVERTISEMENTS for other Manga videos tally up to 75 minutes. The feature itself is only 45. Wow! That's a quick fucking 20 bucks! After buying this DVD, I went online to see if I was crazy, or if it really was regarded as fucking horrible by most of the people who watched it. What I found was a really polar split. On one hand, you had assloads of people who thought it was horrifyingly bad. On the other hand you had some sort of fanboy freak minority who WANTED it to be good so badly that they just couldn't admit to themselves that there was nothing redeeming about the DVD they just shucked out money for. These reviewers liked to say things that ended up on the DVD cover to trick people into buying it, like "the artwork is a vast departure from the hackneyed standards of Anime." "A brilliant blending of exquisite cel animation and cutting edge CGI." "A complex and suspenseful plot." "Gorgeous." Wha-HUHHH?? Maybe they burned the wrong movie on the DVD's you guys watched, because Kai Doh Maru is dogshit, plain and simple. Lots of the positive reviews I read came with loads of disclaimers and pleas for sympathetic judgement. "As you watch this film, try to avoid sticking to your preconceptions as to what Anime should be. Keep an open mind and appreciate the subtle experimentation." Look. If I have to watch a movie with an assload of rules as to HOW I interpret it floating around in my head to find some enjoyment in something that seems too oblique to comprehend and too sloppily rendered to even tell what's going on half the time, then guess what. IT'S A FUCKING ROTTEN MOVIE. A great storyteller can make a story that human beings can actually relate to without them having to take a class first to teach them how to analyze it. If I have to have an out of body experience to an alternate reality where this movie makes sense and looks good, then it wasn't a good movie. Daikatana was an experiment too. It also happened to be a REALLY HORRIBLE videogame. Experiment. Tinker. Get creative. Break boundaries. But don't fucking charge me 20 bucks to see your experiment when it's gone all wrong. This one's going on Ebay for sure, even though I feel really dirty even foisting it on someone for a few bucks.
The Karate Kid: A 29 year old who looks like a 15 year old with crooked teeth wins a big karate championship when he uses a crane kick that looks like a giant neon sign that says, "HEY! PLEASE STUPIDLY LUNGE AT ME FACE FIRST BECAUSE I AM GOING TO KICK YOU IN THE FACE REALLY HARD!" and the karate champ actually falls for it like a dumbass.
Kazaam: ......What? Really? Not even if you PAID me.
Kids: AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
Killer Klowns from Outer Space : A winner of 11 Oscars, this complex and engaging film is a bold thought provoking statement, not only about religion, politics, romance, war and society, but about ourselves. The viewer is left feeling that many areas of thought that were before untouched and dormant are awakened and enriched, and the feeling lasts long after the film is complete. The plot is entirely engrossing, yet still very entertaining. Viewers will find themselves deeply moved just minutes into this film, and the feeling of utter emotional stirring only intensifies as it progresses. Grandiose sets, beautiful landscapes, lavish costumes, exotic locales, mesmerizing state-of-the-art visual effects and John Williams' masterpiece original score are a feast for the senses from the first moment to the last. An all-star cast of Anthony Hopkins, Kate Blanchett, Kevin Spacey, Juliette Binoche, John Hurt, Gary Oldman, Steve Buscemi, John Tuturro, Julianne Moore, Dustin Hoffman, John Malkovich, and Susan Sarandon all give some of the best performances of their careers. Under the masterful co-direction of Francis Ford Copolla, Oliver Stone, and Martin Scorsese, it would have been impossible for the actors to give anything less than their best. Upon seeing this movie, The Queen of England knighted all of the co-directors. It was absolutely breathtaking when I saw it at the IMAX Theatre. See this movie. Buy the DVD. Watch it with people you love. For a long time, I have wanted to buy a large flatscreen hi definition television and a surround sound speaker system. When this movie was released on DVD, I could hesitate no longer. For years I have hoped for a sequel, though I do not see how anyone could surpass the cinematic mastery of this film.
Killing Zoë: During the bank robbery, the AIDS guy turns on Eric Stolz and gets shot a zillion times by the cops and bleeds everywhere.
Kindergarten Cop:  "It's not a tumor!" OK.... Laugh now.
King Kong: They kill the big gorilla and you can hear his heart stop beating.
The Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring: The dorks who read the book like obsessive compulsive little trekkies hated it because they skimmed over Tom Bombadil and some other semi-extraneous things. FUCK - you want it to be SIX hours instead of THREE? Actually - you nerds are the only ones who liked the Sci-Fi Channel interpretation of Dune, so don't answer that. Honestly though, I was pretty pissed that they skipped over the Barrow Downs and made Arwen into some profound and involved character when in the book she did little more than exchange glances with Aragorn- and no - she had nothing to do with the Flight at The Ford. And enough with the fucking ENYA, ok? And since the book continually describes elves as "fair to look upon," why the hell did they cast the guy with the smoker's teeth from "The Matrix" as Elrond? The dorks who haven't read a book since "Hop On Pop" hated it because it "didn't have an ending." Learn to fucking read. Gee, sorry they didn't CREATE a nonexistent ending for you and your short attention span. Fuck you all. Ruin the ending? Didn't I just say there wasn't one? Maybe I should just leave this review "to be continued" just to make your sitcom-attention-span burst a blood vessel.
The Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring (Special Edition Extended DVD): It's longer. Also, they didn't bother to use the 30 minutes to replace important plot points like Tom Bombadil and The Barrow Downs that they took the liberty to delete from the regular version, despite being some of the cooler parts of the book.
Lost Highway: Bill Pullman somehow loops back in time and tells himself through the door buzzer that he killed the guy who his wife will screw around with in the future. Sorry- this is just ruining the ending. I'm not even going to try to explain the whole thing to you.
Lost In Space : In shitty late 90’s sci-fi form, they escape using some tactic that defies every law of physics, I.E. flying through the center of an exploding planet and blatantly ripping off the end of Star Wars Return of the Jedi right down to the fire shooting around the Millennium Falcon shaped ship as they JUST clear the planet as it vaporizes. Also, I wanna do dirty, dirty things to the chick with the irritating voice, and I can't really explain it.
Malcolm X: Denzel Washington plays the role of a strong black man who struggles against all odds to do what's right.
The Man in the Iron Mask: It's got Gabriel Byrne, John Malkovich, Jeremy Irons and Gérard Depardieu. How could it not be good? How? Good question, but apparently they figured out a way, because it was complete SHIT.
The Man Who Wasn't There: He wasn't there. Actually... umm nevermind.
Mars Attacks: They destroy the aliens with the horrifying, shrill voice of Mariah Carey. Ok Ok... So it was Slim Whitman. But she would have done a better job.
The Matrix: Neo turns out to be the chosen one (big surprise) and learns to control the computer reality. He kills the guy with the smoker's teeth by jumping inside him and making light shoot out his ass. Hey, it's what I would have done.
The Matrix Reloaded: All the usual suspects are back. Neo fights a bazillion smoker's teeth guys and takes a philosophy for dummies class. The smoker's teeth guy leaps through a giant plot loophole and into the real world into a guy who SHOULD be dead by being killed in the Matrix. The techno cave dance scene was even more retarded than the Blood Rave scene in Blade.
The Maxx: He turns out to be not a superhero, but a gardener. How lame!
Menace 2 Society: It's a gangster movie. Would it make sense if the main character DIDN'T get killed in a hail of bullets?
Men In Black (MIB): They kill the big bug thing.
Men in Black 2 (MIB2) : They kill the big tentacle thing.
Metropolis: Motoko Kusanagi is a cyborg designed to rule the world, but when Kenada tries to destroy her, Shinji Ikari tries to save her. Stop scratching your head. If you actually went to see this, you're a person who would have gotten the joke. If you're one of those people who think Dragon Ball Z is the pinnacle of Japanese animation, you didn't get the joke...  and I really don't care.
Microcosmos: They show some bugs. Then they show some other bugs. Then they show some more bugs .... oh - and some snails. And then they ... what do you want? There's no plot! They just show bugs! Christ, you fucking people.
Miller's Crossing: Yeah. It was good. What? Why are you always trying to give me the High Hat?!?!?
Minority Report: You mean to tell me that with all the wild cultural and technological breakthroughs imagined for this film, Spielberg can't visualize a world even in the distant future where people do something other than BUY FUCKING GAP KHAKIS AT THE MALL??!?!?! FUCKING CHRIST! IS THIS ALL THERE IS? ARE FUCKING GAP KHAKIS THE PINNACLE OF HUMAN EXISTENCE? NUKE THE HUMAN RACE TO EXTINCTION NOW!
Mission Impossible: Cruise Catches the bad guy on a train after being chased by a helicopter through a tunnel and coming within 2 inches of being sliced up. Handy how those huge explosions only happen to cars falling off cliffs in midair, and not when a helicopter is smacking against the walls of a train tunnel, when a huge explosion might actually be possible and would make sense.
Mission Impossible 2: Cruise kills the baddy after an absurdly choreographed motorcycle gunfight. John Woo... A Better Tomorrow was good. So was The Killer. Broken Arrow WASN'T. Face Off WASN'T. Neither was this! Quit while you're behind.
Mission to Mars: Tim Robbins, Gary Sinise, and Annette Benning prove that they're not above making a rotten movie. In the most trite, predictable display of cheesy computer animation I think I've ever seen, it's explained how alien greys "planted the earth" so life could emerge. Gary Sinise then decides to go with the aliens since he conveniently has nothing to live for on earth.
Mortal Kombat: Liu Kang WINS! Audience LOSES! FATALITY!
Moulin Rouge: When I first saw the trailer for this in the theatre, I thought, "Hmmmm. There's something very annoying and VERY familiar about this... Costumes and sets that take center stage and leave the actors on the sidelines... Manic CUT/PASTE/CUT/PASTE/CUT/PASTE editing that leaves you totally nauseated like you just watched some ostentatious film student trying to make some profound statement with his first effort and he got carried away on the splicing board... Horrendous trendy modern mainstream pop music used in an antique setting where it seems totally alien and inappropriate... HUGE marketing by big evil communications conglomerates... It's obviously going to be a hideous movie, but why does it seem so familiar?" As I was leaving the theatre, the answer came. A 17 year old girl with a pseudo-emo "Bad Kitty" t-shirt was leaving with her friends, raving, "OH MY GAWD! THAT LOOKS SO AWESOME! EVER SINCE I SAW ROMEO + JULIET I've been DYING for Baz Luhrmann to make another movie! OH MY GAWD! SO AWESOME! FUCKIN' AWESOME!!! GHGHGHGHG!!!!" She then started shaking all over and and chattering her teeth and her saliva lathered into a froth as she went into a hypoglycemic seizure and swallowed her tongue. And just as she fell to the floor and split her forehead open on the tiles, close enough to me that I could have caught her if I had wanted to, I shouted, "A-HAH! THAT'S WHY it seemed so familiar! What a one-trick-pony that goddamn piece of shit director is!" I reached down slowly and grabbed the shoulder of her t-shirt in a ball, and amidst loud protests of "DON'T MOVE HER" I pulled her up a bit, and looked in her eyes, which were all white and rolled back into her head, and hissed, "What kind of pretentious shit is a name like fucking 'BAZ' supposed to be?" Then I dropped her on the other side of her forehead. (This story is, of course, 100% true, so be sure to cry and complain about it.)
Mulholland Drive: Ok so like - there's this really hot girl and she's in a wreck, and she meets this other girl and they hang out in the other girl's aunt's apartment... and uhh - then they go and find a dead body... but then later it turns out that it's really the girl's apartment and uhh... no no wait - I forgot to mention the dirty guy behind the dumpsters.. but uhh - he kinda plays in later... sorta. And there's this creepy midget in a dark glass room who sits way across from the door all dramatically. So the two girls hang out - and start getting all touchy feely gropy licky which is exactly what ALL beautiful girls do when they hang out in an apartment together... right? So then they uhh ... Oh wait - I forgot to mention the movie director guy and uhh ... HOLY SHIT! BILLY RAY CYRUS IS PAYING HIS RENT ON TIME THIS MONTH! So uhh - the girls uhh .. hmm .. I think one girl hallucinates the other girl or something but then she's attacked by microscopic senior citizens and uhhh .... hmmmm.... yeah.
Neverending Story: Bastian restores Fantasia by screaming, "AAAOOO EEEOOOAAA DOHHEEEAAAAAAOOOOOU YUUUUAUAUAU!!!!!" Sorry... Nobody that I have ever met knows what the hell he yelled.
Novocaine: If you'll excuse me, I need to go floss about a thousand times. Why do I feel like that pugnacious guy with the Ramones T-shirt went to my high school?
Out of Time: Denzel Washington plays the role of a strong black man who struggles against all odds to do what's right.
O Brother, Where Art Thou?: Make sure you've read my review on The Big Lebowski. If you haven't, scroll up and read it. I'll wait. ........ Gopher?
Pay It Forward: That FUCKING KID from Sixth Sense stars opposite Helen Cunt and Kevin Spacey in a preachy, sappy, hyper-sentimental movie about this plan where people do favors for each other. This snowballs until EVERYONE is giving their all to everyone and everything is happy and smurfy and nice and utopian. This, of course, occurs on some other planet where people actually care about the wellbeing of each other and stick to their obligations. Kevin Spacey plays a smug, self righteous teacher with bad burn scars. This is a vast departure from his usual roles, such as when he played a smug, self righteous serial killer, a smug, self righteous family man, a smug, self righteous smalltown newspaper writer, or a smug, self righteous alien. Helen Hunt plays as a white trash cocktail waitress, which is exactly what she is deep down anyway, with her career as an acress being caused by some unexplainable rift in the laws of physics. In the end, as foreshadowed so obviously that you could pretty much stop the movie at the point where the kid sneaks the knife into the school and know what's going to happen, the crappy Sixth Sense kid gets stabbed and killed, which is exactly what would happen to that kid in a perfect world. This causes hundreds of people to show up in Hunt's front yard that night, apparently after they ALL stopped off at the White Candles of Identical Length and Width Store. They picked this ending because nothing in the whole world could compare to the extreme melodramatic sap. By the way, I'm not going to bother remembering his name. I'm just going to laugh when he goes down in a burning cloud of Danny Partridge child star burnout. Hey, kid. Keep your eyes on Jonathan Brandis... WHOOPS! HE'S FUCKING DEAD!
Pee Wee's Big Adventure: You have no idea how hard it is to write something about Pee Wee Herman, in a humorous tone, without mentioning masturbation. FUCK! I just did it anyways. Pee Wee gets the bike back. (Shrugs) -- Oh, and you can't tell me that you never hit slo-mo on the VCR for the "Large Marge" scene. I wouldn't believe you. As your attorney, I advise you to drop 6 hits of high powered blotter acid, put Large Marge on slo-mo loop play, and don't stop it until we're out of Bat Country.
Phenomenon: Scientologist John Travolta stars in Scientology The Motion Picture.
Philadelphia: Denzel Washington plays the role of a strong black man who struggles against all odds to do what's right.
Pi : After drilling a hole in his head, he's not so slick with math anymore.
Pitch Black: This is me being terrified. "aaa. the creatures. they are both horrific and scary. They frighten me so, in that they are transparently derivative of the creature in "Alien" and make a sound like one of those plastic tubes that makes a whooping sound when you swing it. i certainly do hope that they do not suddenly jump out when it is all quiet and dark so that i will not scream again. AAA uh oh. They did it again." I saw this at a friend's house. He has one of those cable descramblers so he gets free cable, and I STILL want my fucking money back! Typical Hollywood Dogshit premise: The superevolved creatures are unstoppable EXCEPT that they get hurt by light.... WHAT THE FUCK EVER! These stupid movies always have a painfully handy "out" for the characters, and it's always WAY too convenient. It's so predictable: Point A, a spaceship crash site where pretty much everybody conveniently survives uninjured, to Point B, a conveniently abandoned base that conveniently has a conveniently functional and fueled-up escape ship, through a desert planet where there's a conveniently breathable atmosphere, pursued by man-eating creatures who, conveniently, are hurt by light, and JUST as they run out of fuel for torches, they conveniently find little bioluminescent worm creatures that conveniently fit inside the whiskey bottle that they conveniently have. Why does that Vin Diesel dipshit even get work as anything but an amusement park ride attendant? "0o0o0o0 - look at me! I'm a barely literate thug dumbass and I can act all scary because I'm a cross between Telly Savalas and Stone Cold Steve Austin. I changed my name to Vin Diesel because my agent said that nobody would cast me in shitty B action movies with a name like 'Herbert Snedwyck.' Fear me. I am a giant midget and I smell like cigarette butt flavored ice cream." Sorry - I know the maturity level on that one was way below par. I was trying to make it understandable to the people who actually enjoyed the movie. I think "bereft of substance" would have gone right over their heads. Oh uhhh - They get away from the aliens and Vin Diesel says something macho and annoying. Yeah. I know you're as surprised as me.
Planet of the Apes: I'm going to start out by stating the obvious. Why are there no NEW ideas floating around in Hollywood anymore? Europe put out Amélie and The Princess and the Warrior this year, among others, and all Hollywood can think of is a rehashed idea from 1968? I mean - the original is a cult film, but definitely not because it was GOOD. Once again we have a movie with a mediocre plot that relies on CGI eye candy to keep people happy. When that isn't enough, insert token busty girl with clothes falling off. For shame, Tim Burton. For shame! All this time I thought you were above that kind of gimmickry. Guess not. And since when are apes afraid of water? If you're going to make something like that a plot point the way you did, you'd better make sure it's not just some unfounded cop-out idea that was spouted out across the boardroom table on the day they switched to decaf. The movie is overflowing with cheesy action filler and bad dialogue of the "we're gonna make it - you just have to believe - a few CAN make a difference" variety. Did Anthony Robbins write this shit? Also - I felt like the movie dragged and wasted time - then they tried to wrap everything up in the last 5 minutes of the movie. And unlike the original, where they had a post apocalyptic view of the Earth, they had a stupid PRE-apocalyptic view with monkeys living as humans in a modern human world - right down to a monkey face on the Lincoln Memorial. Uhm - gee - In the original, the ending seemed to bring the whole movie together with a shocking image of a familiar human structure. In this version, it seems like they did it because they were obligated to, and they tried to outdo the horror of the original. Good job, guys - you made it cheesy as hell. Hey Charlton, stick to being a gun toting bible thumper. Your days as an actor are over.
Predator: "If It Bleeds We Can Kill It!" OK... Clap now. Arnie squishes the alien with a bigass log. The alien then self-destructs in a huge explosion that clears a huge section of forest but only leaves Arnie sorta ashy because flesh is so much tougher than rocks and wood.
Predator 2: Danny Glover gets his once in a lifetime chance to call someone "pussyface" and then he kills the alien in its own ship using its own weapons. Pretty tough for a 70 year old.
Presumed Innocent: His wife killed her. But Hecubus, I haven't seen the movie yet. EVIL EVIL EVIL!
Pretty Woman: A movie about how women are just too frail and weak to fix their own problems without a man there to help and guide them. Awwwww - Isn't that SWEEEEET? And what kind of man do women need? Hmm - I wonder if that Gerbil story is true.
The Princess Bride: Can you imagine Billy Crystal being involved with a project worth watching? INCONCEIVABLE!
The Professional: Stop looking at Natalie Portman that way.
The Prophecy: Starring Christopher Walken as EXACTLY THE SAME CHARACTER AS EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER HE'S EVER DONE (fuck you, Fark.com). Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't angels have a more effective method of transportation than an ancient Ford. I love the mortician. "Gee - looks like this dude's got no eyes! (Insert snappy wisecrack) Carbon dating shows that this bible is the oldest known copy on earth! (Insert snappy wisecrack) Wow! You mean we have a dead angel in our morgue? (Insert snappy wisecrack)" There's one scene where they tie a little chain, that's thin enough to make a Bronx bike thief snicker, from the winch on a pickup truck to a flimsy little wooden stake and they use it to fucking CLOTHESLINE A CAR and it stops as though it had hit a 6 foot thick solid cement wall. Aragorn, err I mean Lucifer, eats Gabriel's heart and he looks all goth and teary eyed as he bites the dust. Neat idea, poorly executed.
Pulp Fiction: John Travolta gets killed, Uma Thurman OD's, Ving Rhames gets fucked in the ass, Samuel L. Jackson gives up being a mobster and gives Tim Roth his wallet, and Bruce Willis rides away on a motorcycle with the chick from Henry and June.
Psycho: It turns out that Anthony Perkins isn't just a shy, mild mannered hotel clerk, but he's also J. Edgar Hoover.
Raising Arizona: By now you have hopefully figured out my pattern with Coen Brothers movies. If not, scroll up and read Big Lebowski and O Brother. No no.. take your time. I'll wait... I'll be blowing up balloons... No,  not in funny shapes... unless round is funny.
Rat Race: I was in Suncoast today and someone was asking what was good on new-release. The sales person quickly replied, "You cats have gotta see Rat Race! That movie is Mad Funny!" Instantly I could feel the bile rising in my throat. That's like a car dealer putting his reputation on the line saying, "No sir! Nothing in the automotive world matches the performance and luxury of the '74 Gremlin!" Of all the amazing movies out there, THIS piece of hamster guano was the very best answer he could imagine. And it came with great enthusiasm instantly, without any reflection or hesitation at all. If someone asked me to recommend a movie, I would have to give it some thought, at least. Not this guy. His stupidity and horrible taste were apparently right at the forefront of his thinking, and ready to share with anyone without shame.
Red Planet : Another one of those cheesy Sci Fi movies that relies on computer effects more than writing. It turns out exactly the way you figure it will. All loose ends tied up, casualties along the way, hero escapes at the last possible moment. You know the drill. 100 Kilometer hike in a few hours in a thin atmosphere in -195 degree cold and the characters haven't had anything to eat or drink in over a day? Sure, no problem.  So... They get attacked and eaten alive by bugs... Bugs that live on the surface of Mars... That exist by foraging for algae. Maybe it's just me being a dick, but wouldn't a creature that lives on algae and has no natural predators or prey animals evolve to have digestive functions and behaviors that reflected that? Specialization at its most extreme: No natural enemies, One food source. Using the logic of this movie I think I'll develop an irrational fear of the Three Toed Sloth. Also... Can we PLEASE PLEASE break the Han Solo mold? Does there have to be a cocky rebellious guy who the girl doesn't want to fall in love with in every single Sci Fi movie? Is it a RULE or something?
Reign of Fire : Dragons have taken over the earth and have nearly wiped out humanity... what a great time for some of Hollywood's convenient gaping plot loopholes. If you liked the factual gaps and biological inaccuracies in Godzilla and Jurassic Park, you'll soil your leopard spotted bikini briefs for this movie. There are millions of female dragons, but gee-wow-handy, only ONE MALE. While this is completely stupid from any scientific perspective, and seems far too convenient for lazy Hollywood writers who prefer happy endings, even if they have to abandon any shred of logic to arrive at one, fasten your seatbelts. Your jet to absurdsville is about to depart. Despite the fact that these dragons are, for all intents and purposes, reptilian, some monkeys banging on typewriters decided that, for the sake of ensuring a human victory, these dragons would use EXTERNAL FERTILIZATION for reproduction, which, of course, nothing higher than newts on the evolutionary chain use. So basically, all they have to do is kill ONE individual and the whole species will die off - guaranteed. Wow! Hollywood writers like to make their lives easy! Nevermind the fact that a bunch of humans have survived for years without the opportunity to farm. Once they kill the ONE FUCKING MALE (goddamn, that shit pisses me off), they INSTANTLY don't see ANY other dragons for the remainder of the movie, despite the fact that only ten minutes ago, there were millions, and according to the beginning of the movie, the male dragon had survived underground for thousands of years, pretty much establishing that these animals have a ridiculously long lifespan. Of course the secondary hero dies bravely battling the dragon by doing a dramatic superman leap at it with a battle axe in slow motion, as is written law in Hollywood. If he wasn't meant to die (by superman leaping in slow motion), there never would have been a secondary hero in the first place. And what's with the size discrepancy of the dragon? One minute, he's covering the London sky like one of the spaceships from Independence Day, and the next minute, he's the size of a bus. They should have waited until it shrunk to the size of a Shetland Pony. Then they could gave killed it with a pair of pliers and some bad breath. One dragon gets killed, and suddenly the ashy grey sky turns a vibrant blue, and they never see any more of the millions of dragons that nearly destroyed the human race. They just conveniently disappear, leaving time for the hero to enjoy his plot-irrelevant romantic relationship that is also written law in Hollywood action movies. I seriously don't mean to sound like a nitpicker. Keeping a movie's plot simple for the sake of entertainment is fine, but treating me like I'm some idiotic ignoramus who doesn't know anything about ANYTHING and thinking that you can push any lame crap at me that you want assuming I'll be none the wiser, because you're too lazy and uncreative to make a reasonably logical plot pisses me off.
Remember the Titans: Denzel Washington plays the role of a strong black man who struggles against all odds to do what's right.
Requiem for a Dream: Remember when you were 14 and you saw the edited-for-TV version of Career Opportunities on the USA Network? Remember how you kept dying to see Jennifer Connely's clothes conveniently fall off? This movie was MADE for you. I'm also happy to say that it turns out that Marlon Wayans is actually capable of not acting like a retard through an entire movie. Ellen Burstyn gives an amazing performance and proves that the Oscars are rigged, as Julia Roberts walks away with Best Actress for playing a character that's exactly the same as the character she's played in every single movie she's ever been in. Oh yeah.. At the end, EVERYONE is FUCKED.
Reservoir Dogs: Mister Orange is the cop. Everyone gets killed in a shoot-out except for Mister Pink who may or may not have gotten away with the diamonds. Hey, at least that cop guy can save 50% on Q-tips now.
Resident Evil: Make a movie about a video game. Don't make a movie with more CGI than a fucking video game. Did you learn nothing from that HORRIBLE Mortal Kombat movie? Actually... Now that I remember Mortal Kombat 1 and 2, Super Mario Brothers, Double Dragon, Tomb Raider 1 and 2, Final Fantasy, The Wizard, Street Fighter and Wing Commander... JUST STOP MAKING MOVIES ABOUT VIDEO GAMES! They're always fucking TERRIBLE. The plot had about as much credibility as your average video game too, complete with sensationalist evil corporate conspiracies and killer virii loose in the environment that turn people and animals into zombies. Also like a video game, they found an excuse to use a supermodel as an action hero. Michelle Rodriguez plays the token tough latin chick.
Revenge: Costner gets revenge.
Revenge of the Nerds: The nerds become the hippest, most popular guys on campus and get to bang hot chicks. Of course this occurs in a parallel universe where the accomplishments of nerds are admired, rather than resented.
Ricochet: Denzel Washington plays the role of a strong black man who struggles against all odds to do what's right.
Ringu: This was the Japanese movie that the American movie "The Ring" was based on. It was really creepy and good. Remembering how Americans butchered La Femme Nikita and turned it into the horrid Point of No Return, I think I'll avoid the American version altogether, fearing that it will be a stupid disappointing montage of boring computer animation and gratuitous cheesy teenybopper "If you have sex, they'll KILL you" bullshit like they do in 98% of American horror movies. I'd bet good money that they find an excuse to sneak some gunplay and at least one gigantic explosion into it.
Road To Perdition: Tom Hanks kills the big mob boss. This is facilitated by the fact that none of his half dozen bodyguards can shoot straight. Then he goes to a beach house which is painted entirely white on the inside because white shows blood better than any other color. The fact that the room was all white SHOULDN'T have been foreshadowing for the fact that the guy who was trying to assassinate Hanks was sitting there waiting for him, but in Hollywood movies, a movie isn't over until every last shred of plot is fully accounted for. Hollywood Rule: If you hurt someone but don't kill them, they are required by law to show up at the end of the movie for final reckoning. The Chicago scene earned this movie the "Computer Animation" icon. Nice perfectly cued flock of birds flying across the scene: Totally not corny - no, really. </sarcasm>
The Rock: I particularly liked the part where the terrorists are stealing the biological agent and a capsule of it rolls against the wall, and the mere force of it bumping into the wall was enough to break it open and kill, nay, LIQUEFY a guy in seconds, yet Nicholas Cage gets into a knock-down-drag-out brawl with a whole shitload of the stuff in his chest pocket and it somehow survives him being beaten up and thrown on the ground until it's dramatically suitable for him to shove it in the guy's mouth. Of course, Cage himself is not affected at all by the germs even though the capsule breaks inches away from him and the stuff's supposed to be deadly enough that a few pounds of it is supposed to be enough to wipe out San Francisco when aerosolized from the air. Sean Connery gets first billing despite playing exactly the same character he plays in every movie he's in. I also liked the corny Hollywood-style asides. You can't just have a guy shooting at another guy with a machine gun from a lighthouse. You have to cut to him long enough for him to say, "I'mma git you, sucka!"
Rocky: Rocky almost loses, then wins.
Rocky II: Rocky almost loses, then wins.
Rocky III: Rocky almost loses, then wins.
Rocky IV: Rocky almost loses, then wins. That's Brisk, Baby!
Romeo + Juliet: Yeah... YOU KNOW THE ONE. Why must they keep making horrible movies that girls will force guys to see? As if kissing girls' asses to get laid wasn't painful enough, now we are forced to sit through the most excruciating interpretation possible of a play that everyone on earth already knows by heart... JUST BECAUSE GIRLS LIKE LEONARDO DICAPRIO.
Ronin: I vaguely remember there being a car chase or some gunplay, but I can't say for sure... maybe there was both?
The Royal Tenenbaums: I want that painting.
Run Lola Run: She runs .... A LOT!
Save The Last Dance: Uhhh... You've delved this deeply into my page. Would you seriously believe that I saw this movie? "Hey, MTV! Will you take my ten bucks and let me eat your preachy dogshit sandwich?" Sound appealing to you? Me neither.
Saving Private Ryan: Tom Hanks dies to save the talentless, overrated, dumbass actor Matt Damon, who grows old and returns to Hank's grave site. What a waste. Matt Damon. fehh
Scarface: Al Pacino wants you to say hello to his little friend. Then the other guys' little friends say hello to his internal organs about a thousand times. Then for the rest of eternity, male inner city high school dropouts say, "That's what I wanna be when I grow up."
The Score: Robert Deniro, Edward Norton, Angela Bassett, and Marlon Brando star in a movie that could have just as easily starred Yahoo Serious, Dick Van Patten, any Wayans brother, and Mary Kate and Ashley Olson. You will be shocked and amazed at how obvious the shocking and amazing "surprise ending" is. It's so inventive that I don't think I even need to tell you who comes out on top and who gets the shaft.
Seven: Kevin Spacey turns himself in and gets Brad Pitt to shoot him by producing the severed head of Pitt's wife. Hence Spacey becomes "Envy" and Pitt becomes "Wrath"... and Morgan Freeman becomes that funny vampire on the "Electric Company." Not really, but hey - I can dream...
Shadow of the Vampire: A fan of Nosferatu makes a movie, and as The Kids In The Hall would put it... "What if they made a vampire movie that starred a real vampire? PREMISE BEACH!!!!" How does it end? Oh come on... It's a vampire movie. SUN! DUHHHH!
Shawshank Redemption: Falsely accused Tim Robbins escapes from prison by digging through the wall with a tiny hammer and covering the hole with a poster. This makes Morgan Freeman sad, but not as sad as the corrupt warden, who blows his brains out to avoid getting arrested. Unfortunately, Morgan Freeman also does not turn into the funny "Electric Company" vampire in this movie either. As an afterthought - now half of the movies made claim some sort of link to this movie. "From the Producer of Shawshank Redemption - From the Key Grip of Shawshank Redemption - From the Makeup Director of Shawshank Redemption - From the Boom Mic Operator of Shawshank Redemption" - Gotta love name droppers.
Shrek: :P The Princess is really an Ogre, but she's happy anyways because she's in love with Fat Bastard. Does the computer generate the script also? Gotta love Mike Myers. He can do voice acting for anything... as long as it has a Scottish accent.
The Shining: Jack Nicholson gets lost in the hedge maze and freezes solid. What a dumbass.
The Siege: Denzel Washington plays the role of a strong black man who struggles against all odds to do what's right.
Silence of the Lambs: Clarice kills the serial killer, Hannibal escapes and eats his doctor, Chris Isaak goes on to be a one hit wonder and the fat girl goes on to live a normal life where she doesn't necessarily get the hose for not putting the lotion on her skin..
Sixteen Candles: Molly Ringwald and Michael Schoeffling wind up getting together at the end. (Rolling eyes and smacking gum belligerently) WELL, DUHHHH!!!
The Sixth Day: "They should have made two of you... So you can go fuck yourself." Ok... Clap now! As I tried to watch this, my eyes kept wandering back to my aquarium, where the plot was less contrived, less pretentious, more interesting, had a more talented cast, and was better executed.
The Sixth Sense: Guess what! Bruce Willis has been dead the whole time. Wishful thinking? "Can I tell you my secret ? I SEE DUMB PEOPLE ... all the time ... just walking around like normal people ... they don't know they're dumb."
Snatch: Much to my disappointment, it turns out that this is actually NOT a movie about women's genitals. In fact, there are hardly any women in it at all.... (sigh).
The Sound of Music: This is an action cop drama about a Detroit detective who's wife and partner were both killed by an opium syndicate leader. Six years later, the broken alcoholic cop learns that this leader is now based in Bangkok. He is suspended from the police force when he beats the syndicate informant nearly to death during interrogation, and he travels to Bangkok, where the syndicate is expecting him. He is imprisoned and tortured for months before escaping. He finds the syndicate leader and beheads him with a grapefruit spoon before the syndicate catches him and shoots him with a rocket propelled grenade... AND IT'S A MUSICAL!
Spaceballs: Captain Lone Star sets Dark Helmet's ship, Spaceball 1, to self-destruct and discovers that he's of royal blood, so he can marry Princess Vespa. Spaceball 1, which conveniently looks like the Statue of Liberty, crashes in pieces on the Planet of the Apes, and the apes go, "Oh Shit! There goes the universe!" I seriously don't understand why Brooks didn't get Best Picture for this.
Spawn: Spawn uses an SGI Workstation to kill the big, scary Marilyn Quayle thing.
Speed: Here's a quiz! Hollywood makes a movie based entirely on stacking one stupid, unbelievable premise on another... What do you do?... What do you do? If you're me, you spend an hour and a half screaming "OH RIGHT! FUCK YOU! WHAT??!?!? NOOO! OH FUCK! WHAT THE...? PSSSHH!! AWW WHAT THE FUCK!!" at the TV over and over again. There's this bus with a bomb... AND if the bus goes less than 50mph, it'll blow up... AND if they try to get people off the bus the bomber will blow it up remotely... AND there's a hole in the gas tank... AND when they fool the spy-cam on the bus (which, conveniently, the local news crew can tap into without even a second thought or the slightest difficulty) by looping footage of people sitting on the bus and try to get people off, the tires blow, conveniently leaving the two main characters stranded on the bus, who use the bus' hidden floor escape hatch (which has no way for the characters to hold on and slides along as smoothly as if it had well-lubed casters on the bottom) as a sled to slide to safety... YES! I said floor escape hatch. What? Well, if Hollywood didn't INVENT the idea of having a floor escape hatch there, about half of the bus scene would have gone to shit. So the bus conveniently rolls into a jetliner which makes for a typical dogshitty Hollywood HUMUNGOR explosion. WOW! That's a whole shitload of unrealistic garbage premises already. Why not just let the idiots use ALL of their ideas! Where was the pregnant woman who's water just broke? Where was the guy who needs to get to the hospital so he can give his daughter his kidney? Where was the guy who was taking the bus to his wedding, so his fiancee doesn't leave him and marry Anthony Michael Hall? Where was Bruce Willis, trying to stop the dispersing of the Twelve Monkeys? BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! So after the bus blows up and the bomber realizes he's been duped, he gets Sandra (matchbox full of soggy talent) Bullock who CONVENIENTLY happens to be standing right at the ransom drop point, unsupervised. Yeah, I know Los Angeles is an extremely small place, and having two key plot characters in the same place at the same time, purely by chance, is totally believable. Hopper's pretty handy with those bombs. He just so happened to have a spare one, just in case he bumped into Sandra (will someone tie my shoes for me) Bullock so he could prolong the plot and add ANOTHER FUCKING CHASE to a movie, that up until now has been ONE BIG STUPID CHASE SCENE since the first fucking twenty minutes. The Subway chase scene is tacked on so Hollywood can have its tired "good guy kills the bad guy" ending, tying up all the loose ends. The only time a bad guy lives at the end of a Hollywood movie is when the sequel is already planned. So Hopper hijacks a subway, and handcuffs Sandra (Welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order) Bullock to a handrail. He then shoots the driver, and shoots a zillion holes in the roof of the train with a submachine gun, but CONVENIENTLY doesn't hit Keanu Reeves ONCE, due to Reeves' magical clairvoyant bullet dodging ability, and despite the fact that Hopper has shitloads of bombs, he only packed ONE FUCKING CLIP worth of bullets for his gun, so it conveniently runs out of ammo and he has to go chase Reeves up on the roof, where (foreshadowing gone mad) he gets decapitated on a signal that hangs from the ceiling (insert lame "Hey, I'm taller than you" joke, Hollywood style). The train is almost at the end of the line, and CONVENIENTLY the brakes don't work, so they throttle-up so they can jump the tracks... FUCKING EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THEY CAN THROTTLE UP, BUT NOT THROTTLE DOWN, PLEASE! CAN YOU PLEASE FUCKING EXPLAIN WHY THEY CAN'T COAST TO A HALT, YOU HOLLYWOOD FUCKHEADS??!?!?! PLEASE? HUMOR ME! IF THE THROTTLE WORKS, THEN WHY DON'T THEY REDUCE THE FUCKING SPEED? I'll answer my own question. BECAUSE IT WOULD BREAK THE RETARDED PREMISE. We can't have them coast slowly to safety, and then be rescued by the police. We need to have the fucking subway car LEAP OUT INTO THE STREET AND MAKE LOTS OF HOLLYWOOD EXPLOSIONS AND SPARKS AND LASER LIGHT HOLOGRAM FIREWORK SHOWS TO THE TUNE OF NIEL DIAMOND'S "AMERICA" AND THEN SLIDE INTO A TOURIST BUS WHERE TOURISTS GO "AWWWWWWW" WHEN THEY SEE THE HEROES KISSING AND JOKING AND MAKING CUTESY LITTLE WISECRACKS INSTEAD OF BEING DISMEMBERED LIKE ANY SHRED OF LOGIC AND PHYSICS SAYS THEY SHOULD BE. The whole train got fucking torn to pieces - but the heroes don't have a fucking scratch on them because STEEL IS WEAK COMPARED TO LOVE!!! (sigh) IT MAKES MY CUTE LITTLE FUCKING DIMPLES PEEK OUT AT THE MERE THOUGHT OF SUCH HOLLYWOOD SAP.
Speed 2: They made a sequel to THIS??? I sat through Ghoulies Go to College, Troll 2, Karate Kid 3, George W. Bush's State of the Union Address, Octaman, and The Reanimator, but if the fate of mankind depended on me seeing Speed 2, then I hope you believe in a kind and merciful god, because I don't. Here's a hint: If the lead character of the original movie doesn't want to have anything to do with the sequel... do you?
Spiderman: Spiderman WINS!
Spirited Away: And they all live happily ever after. I guess for an anime movie to get even minor distribution in the US, it has to be the fucking HIGHEST grossing movie in Japanese history. Take a hint, media dumbasses.
Star Wars: Luke blows up the reactor and destroys the space station, then they have a cute celebration. (My ratings for this and the other two original Star Wars movies apply to the original theatrical releases. For the remade "improved" versions that were released a few years ago, subtract 4 from each score.)
Star Wars The Empire Strikes Back: Han gets frozen. Darth Vader chops off Luke’s hand and reveals that he is Luke’s father. What a lousy parent! I'm calling Social Services.
Star Wars, Return of the Jedi: Luke chops off Darth’s hand. Darth kills the Emperor and the rebellion blows up the reactor and destroys the space station, then they have a cute celebration.
 Star Wars, Episode One: Liam Neeson gets killed which makes Ewan McGregor go, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" and then he chops the red guy in half. The cutesy little kid ACCIDENTALLY blows up the reactor and destroys the space station, then they have a cute celebration. It’s a good thing George Lucas never runs out of creative new ideas.
Star Wars, Episode Two: George Lucas makes his latest installment in the series a movie all about Natalie Portman's flawless abs. Hey George! You're zero for two in the hunt for a Young Darth who can act. The former cast of Saved By The Bell went and saw this movie and said, "This kid is forcing his lines. He wouldn't pass auditions to be in our fictitious high school drama club in our fucking horrible show!" I appreciate you keeping Jarjar in the background, but Misa be too happy if'n he gets devoured by a swarm of flesh-burrowing space bugs in the next movie. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go tumble and frolic in the pasture while giggling. Oh uhh... Mini-Darth gets his arm chopped off and marries Portman. Yum! Acrotomophilia!
Sum of All Fears: First of all, how, in this age of big budget Hollywood movies with massive amounts of computer graphics (and this one was loaded), are you going to have a movie where the city of Baltimore gets NUKED and you barely show any of it? Vague fires and vague rubble don't impress me. Show me devastated landmarks. Ben Affleck plays the role of a CIA pencil-pusher, who, through an absolutely unbelievable (not meaning 'astounding,' but rather, 'unable to be believed') turn of events, is the ONLY person who knows who nuked Baltimore, how they did it, and why. The whole worldwide espionage community is baffled, but of course, Ben Affleck KNOWS ALL. And how convenient that EVERYONE tries to keep him from getting the message to the hotheaded President. I mean, I know that the annihilation of the whole human race is nothing of any great importance or anything, and that the fate of the earth should be made completely on angry, irrational snap decisions based on gut instinct rather than actual intel, but doesn't it seem COMPLETELY RETARDED that NOBODY will listen to the guy who has all the evidence to prove what happened? Nice landing, Ben. When I'm in a helicopter that's flying at normal altitude and it gets hit by a fucking NUCLEAR SHOCKWAVE that shreds it to pieces, I hope that I can land as gracefully as you, and climb out ready and able go for a nice little jog, with the obligatory Hollywood "Lead Character Battle Damage" two little facial scratches. I'm glad Ben Affleck lives in a world where the safety of helicopters is a thousand times better than it is here on earth. Otherwise he wouldn't have lived to enjoy the ABSOLUTELY SUPERFLUOUS MUSHY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL, INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND that ADDED NOTHING TO THE PLOT WHATSOEVER. I like how he crawled out of the helicopter and immediately got on his cell phone, which would have been as dead as a doornail because of the Electromagnetic Pulse from the nuclear explosion. "Fuck science! We need to keep the plot moving... well... we need to keep the plot moving so we have extra time for stupid, pointless girlfriend side-plots." Those Grozny military guards sure were nice enough not to fire their guns, despite the fact that they completely had the drop on the secret agent guy. Maybe it's me, but if someone's pointing a PISTOL at me, and I have a SUBMACHINE GUN in my hands, odds are, I'm squeezing the trigger and unloading as soon as I see that candy-ass little pistol. I also found it amusing how the nuclear scientists, who know better than anyone the effects of radiation on the human body, were handling the nuclear core with some little fucking rubber DISHWASHING GLOVES while wearing little air filters over their mouths of the variety that you might find at a PAINT STORE. I also can't believe they used the old, old, OLD "Bomb Technician" tee-shirt joke. Ben Affleck saves the world, and enjoys a nice little picnic, undisturbed, on the fucking WHITE HOUSE LAWN, where he resumes his plot-distracting gushy relationship.
Superman: Did you know that if you make the Earth spin backwards on its axis, it doesn't cause massive tidal waves and earthquakes, but TIME ITSELF flows backwards? I never knew that. Amazing.
Superman 2: It's a good thing Superman had that machine that reverses all the effects of being someone from Krypton living on a planet with less gravity and a yellow sun. Otherwise he would have never defeated that guy who was in "Priscilla: Queen of the Desert." "KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!" Wait a second... Wasn't Zod that big Go-Bot dinosaur thing?
Superman 3: Richard Pryor was exactly what they needed to make Superman more ZANY! Did you know that if you electrocute a woman, she becomes a metal plated cyborg who can shoot lasers, and then goes back to normal, alive, with messed up hair? Neither did I. Wow - Superman is educational.
Superman 4: Oh Shit! Is that Rowdy Roddy Piper?!?!?!
Supersize Me: Supersize Me: A vegan film maker who is in above average physical condition decides to eat and drink only things that come from McDonalds for 30 days, while intentionally limiting physical activity. This causes a negative reaction. Yeah, I know. I was surprised too!
S.W.A.T.: Michelle Rodriguez plays the token tough latin chick. Is there some LAW that LL Cool J has to be in EVERY shitty summer action movie? Also, any movie that has some guy saying, "Now THAT'S what I'm TALKIN' 'bout!" automatically gets the stupid dialogue icon. I got more than I ever wanted to see of this movie from the trailer. Once again, a dogshit movie made it to number one at the box office. This has to be the WORST summer ever for movies. The bar was set so low that stuff that would normally be released direct to video has been hitting number one in the box office. NUKE HOLLYWOOD.
Talk to Her:  The girl wakes from her coma and falls in love with the guy who stared at her tits the whole time she was unconscious.
The Terminator:  "I'll be back!" OK... Clap or something. Scary robot thing goes "CRISP."
Terminator 2 (T2 for you 'hipsters' or something):   "Hasta La Vista, Baby!" OK... Clap some more. Scary robot thing goes "GLOOP GLOOP BUBBLE MELT."
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines:  
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The Thing: Kurt Russel Freezes to death after supposedly burning the alien to death and sharing a nice warm bowl of Quaker Oatmeal with Wilford Brimley.
THX-1138: Ok, everyone say it together! "MY TIME...... IS YOURS." Holy shit that was fuckin' creepy and cool.
Tie Me Up- Tie Me Down: This hot actress chick gets kidnapped by a stalker and then falls in love with him... because he's Antonio Banderas. Apparently "girl falls in love with her kidnapper" movies are actually something new in Spain. Oh - and uhh - I lost my bet when I said that he was going to end up pulling her tooth for her to get rid of the toothache. Of course, her sister is totally accepting of her being hooked on her kidnapper, because that's completely logical.
Titanic : I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to ever see this movie. If you are a robot, and you love this movie, and you were just dying to see what I would say about it, then I seriously wonder how your obvious lack of taste led you to my page in the first place. Go eat a big fat heaping bowl of DEATH.
Tomb Raider: Oh... You were thinking I was going to elaborate like there was more to it? I watched about a cumulative 20 minutes of this in 2.25 minute chunks - about as much time as it took me to remember that I get the porn channel and should stop wasting my time when they're never actually going to SHOW her tits - and that's all anyone wants to see anyways. The movie itself is a punishment to watch. It's amazing that she can do all those handsprings and backflips without tripping over her lips.
Total Recall: Just before being thrown onto the surface of Mars they activate a big machine that melts ice into a BREATHABLE ATMOSPHERE which FILLS THE ENTIRE PLANET with ENOUGH AIR PRESSURE to keep them from TURNING INTO PUDDLES of APPLESAUCE at the VERY LAST SECOND and they GO BACK TO NORMAL and SUFFER NO MEDICAL PROBLEMS after HAVING EVERY CELL MEMBRANE in THEIR ENTIRE BODIES BURST! Good thing that air pressure was the only thing on Mars that they had to worry about. Arnie must have a pretty spiffy windbreaker to cope with the negative 195 degree Fahrenheit surface temperature. Yeah - I sure hope the next time I'm in a near vacuum and my eyes are coming out of my head, and I'm freezing solid in a matter of a few seconds, that someone would be nice enough to build a machine  that would deflate me so I could go to work the next day without suffering so much as a nosebleed. Probably the worst ending for any movie I have ever seen. Now you don't have to suffer the way I did. The only people who bought this when it came out on video were standing in line at the video store thinking, "Whoah... Three BOOBS."
Traffic: The Mexican General, the Mexican Cop's Partner, the Fruity Assassin, and the Poshy Smuggler's Moocher Buddy all get the OUCH-ness. The Government Drug Policy Guy's Family and the Narc Cop get the Happy Glee Smile. YAY.
Training Day: Denzel Washington plays the role of a strong... Huh? What do you mean? He DOESN'T? Weird. Ummm. O....Kay... Ahem. Excuse me for a couple hours.
True Romance: All the baddies are killed in a big shoot-out / crossfire. Christian Slater appears to be dead after being shot through the eye, but SURPRISE!! He lives happily ever after anyways. 
Truth or Dare: This is a comedy that's supposed to be a documentary about a self-absorbed untalented cunt who hams it up for the camera and treats everyone around her like shit. I think she was a singer, although that's debatable, who was considered influential in the 80's. 
Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me: As it turns out, that gum you like never actually came back in style, though Moira Kelly's bad acting was less bad than Lara Flynn Boyle's. Gee - too bad Boyle wasn't able to be in the Twin Peaks movie because she was involved in the production of the legendary and important movie that was The Temp. Mmmmmm Creamed Corn... And David, No more free donuts for Sheryl Lee between shots. I actually loved this movie, but I'm writing this at 4am so there's no way I'm going to come across as rational or intelligent.
The Usual Suspects: The gimp turns out to be Kaiser Sose' and he walks right out of the police station right before the cop figures out who he is. Orca fat? No, Orca PHAT.
U-Turn: I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm never EVER going to buy an American car.
Vanilla Sky: Tom Cruise bangs both Penélope Cruz and Cameron Diaz in a failed attempt to prove that the rumors that he's gay aren't true.
Virtuosity: Denzel Washington plays the role of a strong black man who struggles against all odds to do what's right. Hey, I'll stop saying it when it stops being true. Training Day was a fluke.
Volver: This is a movie all about Penelope Cruz's truly excellent cleavage... Oh, and there was something about her daughter killing her stepfather when he tried to rape her, and then they hid the body in a vacant restaurant, and then they worked in the cleavage, err, restaurant and something about some friend with cancer and something about Cruz's mother's ghost who actually isn't a ghost, but just her mother in hiding after burning her husband and his mistress, who was the cancer lady's cleavage... err, I mean mother.
Wild at Heart: They fuck, and then they smoke, and then they fuck, and then they talk about fucking, and then they smoke, and then they show some fire, then they fuck some more, and smoke, fuck, fire, smoke, fuck, oh - and then she pukes so they stop fucking. She's pregnant so he tries to rob a bank because he's got no money but his partner double-crosses him. The cops come and shoot the partner who then blows his own head off with a shotgun and he goes to jail and gets out and decides not to stay with her and the kid... but then he remembers all the fucksmoking and changes his mind.
Witness: Uhh... Harrison Ford was in it.. and that kid with the big ears who was in Solarbabies. ...Uhh ... I vaguely remember it being good. ummm It's been a long time. SHUT UP! Like you could do any better, mister "Movie Expert."
The Wizard: Four Stars. A Masterpiece of cinema. I keep checking Amazon for a DVD release date. I mean, this movie has it all! Fred Savage, 8 bit Nintendo... Man! What a great fucking movie. What do you mean it was just a marketing ploy for Super Mario 3? Yo! Why you bein a HATA, yo! Ok... Now if you'll excuse me... I just said "hata" so I have to go wash. I really wish I could have put the "middle finger" icon up here to say I'll never see it... Unfortunately it's too late for that.
The World According to Garp: The creepy chick with glasses shoots Garp. If you gotta die, don't let "POO" kill you. Do you really want people to say you were "Killed by Poo?"
Wolf: Michelle Pfeiffer is a werewolf too. Ruh Roh!
X-Men: Instead of just making a fun comic book story, they follow the recent Hollywood trend of using a simple movie as a statement about people who are stigmatized for their background, etc.... YAWWWN. Oh... uhh - insert some computer generated effects to hold the audience's attention. And the big shocker ending: The X-men win. PFFFT
X-Men 2: Once again, computer effects are the real stars here. It was better than the last one, but it was still full of a lot of too-convenient chance happenings. An example is when the jet is hit by a missile and almost crashes but is stopped mid-fall by Magneto who JUST HAPPENS to be standing exactly where the point of impact would be, and the people in the jet that was falling at a million miles a second don't get turned into chili con carne when the jet stops instantly. And CONVENIENTLY they team up with Magneto whom they ended up needing. Gee - I never could have guessed that the rebellious firebug kid would end up being bad. Who'd-a guessed? Oh, and the Nightcrawler guy can teleport. Uhh.. ok. But what the fuck is the deal with him being able to teleport while carrying people and objects... and clothes? Like - if he teleports outside the plane, catches someone midair, and teleports back, the person will once again be outside falling, no?
You've Got Mail: When AOL sends me CD's, I throw them away with a sharp, angry flick of the wrist. Why would you think I'd pay ten bucks to let them advertise to me for two hours nonstop? Apple, IBM, Visa and Starbucks can eat my ass too.
Zardoz: This is a movie all about a floating head that comes to earth and talks to a bunch of guys that worship it. It tells them that, "the penis shoots life, but the gun shoots death." Then a bunch of old fashioned rifles pop out of it's mouth. "Hi! I'm a big papier-mâché head with retarded teeth! Have some crappy looking muskets! Brandish them above your heads and wave them jubilantly while yelling! Thank you for waving them above your heads jubilantly while yelling, as I have instructed! I will float away now, because that's what floating papier-mâché heads do! They float! (float-float-float)" Then Sean Connery points a gun at the camera. Actually, that's probably not what the whole movie was about. It is, however, what the first three minutes were about. At that point, the movie looked too fucking horrible to bear and my will to make myself sit through it just for the sake of seeing a culty, campy old sci-fi movie sapped away like a Gelfling's vital essence in that vital-essence-sapper-chair-thingee that the Skexies had in the Dark Crystal.