Big Brother is now available over the counter.

A simple test....
 

1) I think OJ Simpson...
a. Was Guilty
b. Was Innocent
c. Was a reminder that if you aren't a millionaire and kill your wife on monday, you will spend from tuesday or wednesday until you die in prison
d. Made me flip through the channels in utter nausea because it was all that was on TV
e. Sure was zany in the "Naked Gun" series

2) When I hear the name "Jon Benet" I think...
a. Her Dad did it, that pervert!
b. Her Mom did it, that stupid bitch, trying to relive her modeling days vicariously through her daughter!
c. Another person did it
d. I fucking wish I had done it at this point
e. What kind of pretentious shit is that name, and how can news people say it with a straight face?

3) When people mention Columbine high school it makes me think...
a. Enforce school prayer and ban violence on TV and in video games
b. Ban guns and note that most countries where you can't buy guns have much lower murder rates than the US regardless of religion or media violence
c. Oh FUCK! Are they STILL talking about that? If I see one more crying teen I'm gonna hurt my TV
d. Damn! I wish I had a cool friend in high school who would sell me automatic weapons
e. 2500 spent rounds and only 15 kills? Damn - they must be fucking BLIND

4) Abortion is...
a. MURDER (anti abortion people would definitely use caps, so they are used here)
b. A civil liberty and a symbol of women's rights
c. None of my business since I am not the owner of a uterus
d. My bi-monthly visit to the doctor
e. Great on a Ritz

5) Guns...
a. Should be available to anyone with at least one index finger (index finger stipulation will be waived if the person can squeeze a trigger with another finger)
b. Should be available to the police but not civilians
c. Should be available to civilians but not the police since they keep shooting people who are carrying candy bars, wallets, etc.
d. Should be illegal
e. Pay my bills the hard way

6) Elian Gonzalez should...
a. Go back to Cuba where he'd have access to fine cigars
b. Stay in America where he would have better opportunities and yet squander them like regular Americans as he scratches his lottery ticket while watching sports and "Darma and Greg"
c. Should be regarded as a human being and shouldn't be used as a political pawn
d. Shouldn't be used as filler for the news media's seemingly perpetual "Slow News Day"
e. Holy Shit. Just stop mentioning him. I am so sick of that shit. Anything to keep Janet Reno off my TV screen!

7) Shows like Jerry Springer, Ricky Lake, and Jenny Jones...
a. Are fun to watch, because they make me feel less pathetic when I compare my life to how fucked up some of the guests are
b. Are a prelude to a society with no privacy and a way for people to get used to the idea of having their private lives laid bare in a public forum
c. Make me get an enormous erection that I can't explain
d. Are a way for the TV media to implant the idea of what is and is not acceptable, I.E. It is not ok to be Goth, Punk, or otherwise provocative, but after we make you over by cutting your hair neatly and putting you into a pair of dockers, you may reenter society and be happy and successful

8) I see things...
a. In black and white, which makes it easy for people to put ideas in my head since I believe what I'm supposed to believe according to my religious or political affiliation
b. In shades of grey (or would like to pat myself on the back for believing that I am open minded)
c. The way I want to see them which could indicate a chemical imbalance and a tendency to put Alien "Grey" stickers with the caption "They Are Here"  and "I Believe" on walls and light posts, not as something fun to do, but to "inform" people of the coming changes
d. As 99.999% Bullshit
e. Objectively so I understand who is pulling what strings and for what motive

9) "Hot Button" Issues...
a. Give the media a good way to use the entire society as a puppet by playing one extreme view against the other
b. Make people forget about how pathetic and wasted their own lives have become by letting them pry into the private lives of others
c. Let the news industry be lazy since they can report a story over a period of months or even years as they report the anniversary of an event
d. Make stupid people feel smart and intellectual. "I watch the news every night."  "Really? How is the Dow doing?"  "I don't pay too much attention to that, but they said Ellen is a lesbo."
e. I don't get what you're implying. Excuse me. I just drooled on my shirt a little.