Hakken

In the time I've been online, I've been confronted by about a zillion people who claim to be hackers. I've been told at least a dozen times that someone was going to "hack my site," or that they were going to do something otherwise evil and dastardly to me through their magical HaX0r skills. Thusfar, given their rate of success, I have come up with the following definition for "Hacker."

hack' er: /mo' ron/ n. Bored child who uses computer to flood or attempt to use a denial of service attack, or at the very most successful, can make a message box appear with the phrase "J00R 0WN3D" in it.

Given the obvious, apparent, and consistently repeated truth in this definition as it generally applies to people on IRC, Yahoo, or AIM, I find it pretty hilarious when someone either thinks they are a hacker, or are afraid of being hacked. The term is used so loosely by little script kiddies that it's become more of a joke than a threat. Sorry. There is no 3d rendered universe to fly through like on "Weird Science" or "Jurassic Park."

Some things to know about me before we continue:

1. I have never attempted or pretended to be a hacker and have never used a malicious script on IRC. Already considering these kids a joke, I have no inclination to join their ranks. The only script I have ever used on IRC is only for personal and channel protection in the form of kicking or ignoring flooders, clones, and abusers.

2. I don't DCC Chat. Why bother? Why should I "Request a Chat" when I can just double-click their nick and say what I want?

3. On this particular day, I was at work. My computer was left on at home to help automatically manage the Dalnet channel #newyork under the nickname negativepositive. There was nobody in my house, and nothing irregular was logged on my away log. I connected via dialup from work under the nickname negpos at about 5:30pm. Dalnet went through a network split a few minutes later and my nickname changed to negativepositive. Right about then, THIS happened...

* Join: Hakken::~Deranged@206.103.103.40
<Hakken> negativepositive: do you routinely harrass people, or did you just decide that today you'd be a dick?
<Hakken> negativepositive: If I ever hear you've been harrassing my fiancee again, you'll learn the meaning of regret
* Part: Hakken::~Deranged@206.103.103.40
<spamhead001> yeah, hakken will slap you with his handbag
<negativepositive>HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
<Mishok_Whit_Money_Change> hahahahaha
<BrandyLee> lol
<negativepositive> whew - i almost spit out my drink
<BrandyLee> u got yelled at!!
<spamhead001> negativepositive: you scared? you really scared? you've been threatened by someone using an ISP called 'Panhandle'????
[18:07] * negativepositive sets topic to: (Hakken): negativepositive: If I ever hear you've been harrassing my fiancee again, you'll learn the meaning of regret

(Hakken): WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION!
(Hakken): if you don't stop harrassing my fiancee you son of a bitch, you're going to regret it
(Hakken): well, speak up pig fucker
*** ¢ PING from Hakken
(negativepositive): damn - i haven't laughed that hard in a long time
(Hakken): you're damn lucky I'm not allowed to b-line ppl for being assholes
(negativepositive): and this is in reference to?
(negativepositive): let me guess - I banned someone "undeserving"
(Hakken): your harrassment of my fiancee and her friend, as well as what they think is hacking, but I doubt you're capable of, so I presume it was lucky guesses
(negativepositive): who the hell are you talking about ?
(negativepositive): and if you think i'm using "L33t skills" on someone - then you're really silly
(negativepositive): who's your supposed fiancee?
(Hakken): lol, no, I doubt you have that capabilty, but you made them believe you had gotten some of her email messages
(negativepositive): what the hell are you talking about ?
(negativepositive): come clean and tell me what you're referring to - or i'm just going to laugh and ignore you
(Hakken): the crap you were pulling about an hour ago
(negativepositive): i was IDLING an hour ago
(negativepositive): so what the hell are you talking about ?
(Hakken): I don't know what nick she was using today, but she told me she had to comfort a friend because you "were hacking them" as if
(negativepositive): what a joke
(Hakken): yes, you are
(negativepositive): yes yes - I'M a joke - yet your brainy fiancee thinks i was hacking her while i was idling
(negativepositive): i'm not a script kiddie
(Hakken): nope, just a wannabe
(negativepositive): i'm not EVEN a wanna be
(Hakken): idle my ass, you were harrassing them, in DCC
(negativepositive): give me logs
(negativepositive): i don't even bother dcc chatting
(negativepositive): so give me logs
(Hakken): I will get them
(negativepositive): get them
(negativepositive): this should prove amusing

time passing...

(negativepositive): kinda slow with those logs - are you typing them out?

more time passing...

(negativepositive): hurry up and show me what i did wrong so i can (gasp) know the meaning of regret
(Hakken): no, I said I will get them, she's not avaialbe atm
(negativepositive): right right - i guess that's because i HAX0RED her
(Hakken): no, its her friend she said you hacked, but I doubt you did... but you did con them into believing you got into her email, and that's just as bad
(negativepositive): uhhh - bullshit dude - i wasn't even sitting in front of this computter until about 30 mins ago
(Hakken): yeah, anything to get off the hook, don't you wish
(negativepositive): right right - well - until i see some logs i'm just gonna laugh - and AFTER i see whatever "logs" you're typing, i'm just gonna laugh more
(negativepositive): and in the meantime - i'm at work - so i'm gonna go work
(Hakken): someone, using the nick "negtivepositive" about 75 minutes ago now, was harrassing them, and you haven't gone offline in that time, cause it was from your IP, so if you really didn't do anything (HAH!) then you need to find out who's been playing on your computer
(negativepositive): hmmm - the nick "negtivepositive" - nope - i'm pretty sure i can spell negative, also, I find it odd that you can determine that i did whatever i supposedly did exactly 75 minutes ago, yet you still can't get to any logs
(Hakken): so I typoed, sue me
(negativepositive): don't you have some 20 sided dice you could be playing with? SAVE THE PRINCESS!!
(Hakken): and wtf is that supposed to mean little boy?
(negativepositive): yes, yes - little boy - amusing
(Hakken): you ought to consider covering your tracks next time
(negativepositive): also - about 30 mins ago this happened ...
(negativepositive): [17:55] * Quit: negativepositive::negativepo@pool-162-84-212-183.ny5030.east.verizon.net (Ping timeout)
(negativepositive): *** [negativepositive] Nickname no longer in use. Changing to nick...
(negativepositive): [17:55] * negpos is now known as negativepositive
(negativepositive): so uhh - "covering my tracks"
(negativepositive): yeah - uhhh
(negativepositive): whatever
(negativepositive): it wasn't my ip on this nick, now was it, if it was 75 minutes ago
*** [Hakken] No such user

At this point, he made some corny little message thingy pop up that said something to the extent of, "Some hacker you are. You didn't even block this back door. I'll track you down no matter how thin the trail!"

Editor's note: "GASP! A message box of EVIL DOOMY PHEAR! Now I've truly learned the Meaning of Regret!"

Also... Apparently the little message box thing he did is a function of XP. All you can do is send little text boxes. It doesn't give you any kind of access. Basically you go to a command prompt, then type "net send <IP> <message>" and it sends a little box of text if they're not behind a firewall. UBER L33T.

(negativepositive): what was that cheesy shit about
(negativepositive): you're so l33t
(Hakken): gods I hope not, I have a brain, unlike those fools
(Hakken): but, it beats script kiddie wannabes like you *shrugs*
(negativepositive): yawn
*** [Hakken] No such user

Conclusion: People from the Oklahoma Pan Handle are bored as shit.