In no particular order since they are all WAY past due.
Updated 6/23/08
Any adult who STILL can't admit they masturbated EVER.
The fact that people who have no imaginations always have nothing but negative things to say about people who have vast imaginations.
The frighteningly large number of Americans that think an accurate summary of the First Amendment is that you have the right to practice Christianity in the Protestant church of your choice, and that the part about free speech doesn't really matter.
People who read my page, like it, and decide to sign up to a forum as Negativepositive and act like my page is their homepage. Even weirder are people who read my page, acknowledge that it's mine, then LINK to it with "additions" they would like to see that are things that are ALREADY on the page, but they reworded them very, VERY slightly. Worse are people who use the name "negativepositive" to make a .com, myspace page, flickr, livejournal, etc. who post a poem, a couple of pictures, or nothing in particular, and then apparently move on.
"I'm negativepositive! Welcome to my page!.... Last login: April 22, 2003."
This guy Adam Sessler from TechTV (now called G4, which sucks more and more by the day) who really, really liked my Jennifer video that I made in September of 2002. In "Jennifer," I walk around Manhattan among crowds of confused onlookers with a red snapper under my arm, seeing the sights as though I'm hanging out with my girlfriend. He liked it so much that in August of 2003, nearly a year after I published "Jennifer," he made a few small videos of (get this amazing originality) him walking around town among crowds of confused onlookers with a red snapper under his arm, seeing the sights as though he's hanging out with his buddy. Not just any fish, but a red snapper, no less. He even buys the fucker at some Chinatown fish place, just like I did. How inventive! I'm sure it's all just a BIG COINCIDENCE that he thought of the EXACT same idea as me a year after I thought it up. I mean, a guy walking around the city with a red fucking snapper under his arm talking to it like it's a person... That's like a comedy standard, right? WRONG. The fucking guy even holds the fish the same way. Dude, the least you could do is link to me. It's the least you could do for blatantly plagiarizing content from my page to put on your shitty channel to ensure that you have a job. I made the video expecting no money in return, whereas you deliberately steal people's ideas to get your paycheck. Goddamn, what a blood sucking parasite. "Slippy the Fish?" How many hours around the boardroom table did it take to come up with "Slippy?" Jesus. What brilliance! Just call it "Swimmy the Fish what Digs Wetness" and save yourself some effort. Why does TechTV need to resort to blatantly plagiarizing me to have something interesting on their channel? Because they suck ass and I kick ass. Seriously, eat a fucking dick, Adam Sessler.
I just read an article on MSNBC about 17 girls, aged 15-16, who all became pregnant in one year at one particular high school. It turns out that they had all made a pact to get pregnant, and one of them, a 15 year old, was pregnant with the child of a 24 year old homeless guy. You, uh, fucked a hobo... specifically to get knocked up... at age 15... and now your baby has pedophiliac hobo genes. GOOD JOB, DUMBASS! I wish I could say, well at least the only life you're ruining is your own, but nope.
I'm in line behind this old woman at Wendy's, and she spends like five minutes ordering, asking what comes with what, and how much more it would be for this and that, then finally, when she's done ordering, the cashier tells her, "That will be $8.37," and she reaches in her pocket and pulls out a fucking fist full of change and dumps it all on the counter. She doesn't even count it or anything, and I swear there wasn't a single quarter in it. So then the cashier has to sift through this pile of mostly pennies and nickels to get the amount he needs. The correct response to having a five pound load of coins flopped on your counter isn't to count It, but to pick it up and throw it in her face as hard as you can.
Any service where you can sign up in a couple of minutes with nothing but a credit card and an urge do so, but you have to jump through a million hoops of flaming bullshit to cancel the service, and even when you're through, you wonder if you're really through, and you check your mailbox, email, credit card statement and bank account half expecting to see more charges.
Movies where the plot would completely grind to a halt if anyone acted the way real people really act.
Example:
Two guys who have never met previously meet in a bar and end up talking to each other for ten minutes about some generic conversational shit, then one of them says goodbye and leaves, and the other one sits there and orders another drink. Fast forward to the next day, or the next week or whatever. One of the guys is walking down the street at night to where he parked his car. As he puts his key in the door, he hears some scuffling in an alley across the street. From where he's standing, he can see that there is someone in the alley dragging something. The person in the alley looks over and they make eye contact. They both recognize each other from the bar the other night. The guy in the alley is dragging a dead man and is covered in blood. The guy calls to the guy with the car to come help him get rid of the body. In real life, the guy's response would be:
A.) Make a concerned face, then sigh, realizing that he must help the guy from the bar in getting rid of the dead body. He pulls the car up near the alley, pops the trunk, then spreads a tarp. He helps the guy from the bar lift the body into the trunk, and then they both drive out to the country and finally finish burying the body when it's almost dawn. He then drives the guy back to town, and they agree to keep in touch. He then drives home, and his girlfriend sees him covered in blood and dirt, and asks what happened, but he says not to worry about it, so, of course, she obediently doesn't ask any more questions, you know, like any normal girlfriend. In a few days, the police or the mob or whatever comes directly to the guy's door to ask if he has ever seen, they hold up a picture either of the dead guy or the bar guy, "this guy." He plays it cool and says he doesn't know anything, which is absurd considering how they knew exactly who to look for and where to find him. And the plot thickens...
B.) Immediately upon realizing that the guy is dragging a bloody dead body, he rips the car door open and gets the engine started as quickly as physically possible, then slams the gas and hauls ass out of there. When he gets some distance away and the initial panic begins to subside, he dials 911 on his cell phone and tells the police what he saw, but never looks back, and hopes the police didn't take down his phone number. He wonders what happened to the guy from the bar, but never actually finds out. He feels a bit unnerved that he shared a beer with a killer, and occasionally catches himself looking over his shoulder, but he never sees the guy again.
Celebrities who name their kids whatever the fuck they feel like. "The Edge," whose name I can't even bring myself to write without using quotation marks, the dumbass guitarist for the dumbass band U2, named his daughter Blue Angel, because I guess he digs air shows. Michael Hutchence, before he died of auto-erotic asphyxiation, which one of my friends referred to as "the Hutch Clutch," named his kid Heavenly Hiraana Tiger Lily. Nicholas Cage named his kid Kal-el, which is Superman's given name, you know, because he's not an earthling. Jermaine Jackson showed the limitations of the Jackson family's creative genes by naming his kid a fucking pun, Jermajesty. Bono, not wanting to be outshined in stupidity by his band mate, named his kid Memphis Eve. The dumbass rapper T.I., who, when he's not making utterly generic rap music or being arrested for trying to buy guns from federal agents or shooting every one of his videos with the camera staring up his flared nostrils, took a tip from Jermaine Jackson and named his kid Messiah Ya'majesty. Penn Gillette, the talking half of Penn and Teller, decided to name his kid Moxie Crimefighter. Jason Lee took one too many bumps on the head during his skateboarding career and named his kid Pilot Inspektor. Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid Apple. Sylvester Stallone named his kid Sage Moonblood. Of course, Michael Jackson named his kids Blanket and Prince Michael II, but since it's fucking Michael Jackson, naming his kids that bullshit is just about the most normal thing he's ever done.
"We're going to name our kid, "Kyd!" (David Duchovny)
"Uhhh, no sir. We're going to call child protective services to keep your new baby safe from your stupidity."
Summer snowmen. I understand that it's hot outside, and while I am boundlessly thankful for girls in little tank tops, it has to be understood that if you're a hefty girl who isn't comfortable until you cake yourself with enough baby powder to look like there was a disaster down at the chalk factory, maybe you need to upgrade to a tee-shirt. It's cleavage, not funnel cake.
I don't think of myself as homophobic, and I definitely don't think of myself as prudish, however, I can't help but feel like the guy sitting across from me in this crowded subway car, thumbing through a big, glossy magazine of graphic hardcore gay porn, with an expression on his face as though he's reading a newspaper, and with a total disregard for the people around him, is at least a tiny bit fucked up.
Girls on myspace who did a photo shoot for a local hair salon when they were 19, who are now 31 and haven't done any actual modeling jobs since the salon gig, and have never done any actual acting jobs, but list their occupation as "Model, actress" and are full of their own shit, and think they have a fan base because they have 300 myspace friends, and 95% of them are either bands that want exposure, or dumbass guys with "show your abs" pics, who send comments that say, "Yo girl U lookin good! Holla back!"
The fact that we live in a universe that is at least 93 billion light years across, and has existed in the form that we know it for at least 13.73 billion years, and is made up of an uncountable number of tiny particles that we only barely understand, and somewhere in this mess of vastness and things that we have only a flickery comprehension of is a galaxy that is one of perhaps hundreds of billions of galaxies, which is about 100,000 light years across, and home to at least 200 billion, and possibly as many as 400 billion stars, one of which, about 26,000 light years from the center of the galaxy, travelling in orbit around the center of the galaxy at 492,120 miles per hour, is a star which formed about 4.59 billion years ago when a hydrogen molecular cloud rapidly collapsed and the hydrogen began transforming into helium through constant nuclear fusion. And the various heavy elements within the cloud condensed to form a handful of planets, one of which possessed, against incalculable odds, the special chemistry which, somewhat recently, led to the formation of living things, and this planet revolves around its star at a speed of 66,420 miles per hour and spins at a speed of over 1000 miles an hour. And sometime very recently in the history of the universe, this planet produced its first species that had the mental capacity to begin contemplating all these things, and wondering at how everything came to be, and its purpose in the universe, and this species has only recently devised some meager means to begin untangling all these mysteries, which were utterly beyond the comprehension of any previous species on this rare planet. And this species, in only the past couple of hundred years, has expanded its knowledge and understanding of the universe many, many times over, and the more it learns, the more it realizes how much there is left to be learned, if in fact this species survives its own stupidity, which looms large over the frighteningly near horizon, threatening to destroy this species forever... and millions of these beings, most of which have a mere 70-something years to exist, can think of nothing more important or interesting to do with their brief time in the universe, than to sit, night after night, staring in rapt anticipation... to see which vacuous whore Bret Michaels would rather fuck.
People who, if something is cool, they hate it, and if something is really lame, you can almost be assured that they love it. Like, they love anything that sucks balls and hate anything that's good.
"So.... The New American Gladiartors."
"OH MY GOD! I can't believe they brought that back! I AM SO HAPPY!"
"Professional Wrestling."
"OH, DUDE! Don't even fuck with professional wrestling! I mean, if you saw the last Smackdown, you can't even tell me that shit wasn't fuckin' amazing!"
"The Departed."
"I don't get that shit, man. I mean, It's supposed to be like all bang bang shoot-em-up but they spent most of the movie like blah blah blah. People kept telling me it was gonna be good, but it's been a while since I saw a movie that bad."
"M. Night Shyalaman's 'The Village.'"
"OH MY GOD! That was one of the most amazing movies I have ever seen. I totally didn't see that twist coming! I mean, I thought these people were really living in the 1700's, scared of some creatures in the woods. And then it turns out that it's really modern day and the creatures were all bullshit? OH MY GOD! That took me totally by surprise! That has got to be the best acting and writing I have ever seen!"
"Pokemon."
"OH SHIT! Haha! I caught em all! That shit is AWWWWWWESOME!"
"Nine Inch Nails."
"Man, I can't get into that faggotty disco Bleep Bleep Bloop Bloop shit."
"Toby Keith."
"Fuckin' yeah, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout! Ain't nobody can write or sing as good as him, and he's really got his morals and priorities in the right place. I mean, The USA putting a boot in your ass... FUCK YEAH! WOOO!"
Pregnant celebrities. First, I want to start off by saying that there is plenty of real news happening in the world, so devoting all this time to keep everyone informed about who is knocked up is bullshit. But seriously, what is this shit? Has everyone in Hollywood become Mormon? It's like every woman who is over 15 years old and has made more than a buck fifty in Hollywood or the music industry has been pregnant in the last year. You know what's less sexy than being pregnant? Nothing. And don't give me that, "You're being misogynistic" shit. Women are beautiful. Pregnant women look like an alien seed pod with dark nipples. Seriously, I know you assholes can afford birth control. Use it.
People whose critique of a great movie or book doesn't get any more intelligent than, "It was too long." You know why "The Godfather" was that long? Because it had to be. The other thing that cracks me up are people who can't think of a better point to make in a debate other than "You use too many long words." I recently had a laugh posting a YouTube comment where I pointed out another instance of Dane Cook plagiarizing lesser known comedians, and got plenty of the usual, "Don't be a hater" "Go suck a dick, DANE RULEZ" bullshit, and one that made me me cackle. "no offense but you use 2 many large words!" The "large words" were "flagrantly" and "illustrious," by the way.
Automated customer support that doesn't help a fucking thing. So recently I bought an XBox 360, and a week after I bought it, the optical drive stopped being able to read discs. I checked the "support" area of the XBox page, and, as usual, they make you jump through hoops to get to the actual "email someone for help" link. The page was basically the usual "tech support for idiots" load of shit of the "make sure the machine is plugged in, make sure the machine is turned on" variety.
"Make sure the disc is not dirty or scratched."
It's brand new. Check.
"Make sure the disc is formatted for use in your region."
USA, Check.
"Turn the machine off, and then back on again and try again."
Check.
"Three or four more suggestions that Neg was too angry to remember."
Check.
"If these fixes do not remedy the problem, click here for technical support."
Subject: "Disc is Unreadable" Error
I purchased an XBox 360 one week ago, and the optical drive can no longer read any discs. I have tried game discs, DVD's and CD's, all brand new, free of dirt, smudges or stratches, and coded for use in the US, and the machine gives me the error, "Disc is Unreadable." I have tried restarting the machine, and this had no effect. What should I do?"
Subject: Re: "Disc is Unreadable" Error
Please follow these steps to correct this issue:
Make sure the disc is not dirty or scratched.
Make sure the disc is formatted for use in your region.
Turn the machine off, and then back on again and try again.
Three or four more suggestions that were exactly the same as the questions found on the "troubleshooting" page that Neg had to go through to even get to the tech support email link, and was even angrier to read again.
Thank you,
Jessica.
Yeah, whatever, "Jessica."
So, I opted for a non-technical solution. I returned the fucker to the store.
Morbidly obese girls who think that if you don't think they're sexy, your obviously some superficial asshole who would never date a girl unless she was anorexic and built like a coathanger. Uhhhh, there's a lot of grey area between Mo'nique and Kate Moss, and denial isn't endearing.
People who go on Amazon or other places where you rate videogames, who give a game a one star review because they didn't understand a core aspect of the game, like the idea of paying to connect to an mmorpg game, or needing to own the original game in order to play the expansion pack, when the requirements to play are posted all over the product.
"So I bought this piece of crap expansion for World of Whore-craft, (Get it? Because it rhymes with Warcraft? Holy fuck, I'm clever!) and like, you need to buy the original stupid game first! Like, they're intentionally ripping you off! I mean, I honestly expected that the full version plus the expansion would cost 20 bucks less than the full version by itself, because that makes sense! Oh, so then I buy the stupid original game, and then get this shit! They expect you to PAY a fee every month to play! I mean, what if I don't even want to play online? Oh, but gee, get this! This piece of shit doesn't even have a single player game! What a fucking load of bullshit! They want me to PAY to play with OTHER PEOPLE? Fuck that! Like I want to play with other people anyway! This game is 100% bullshit, and you are a sucker if you give them a dime! I wouldn't play it if they paid me!"
"They threw me under the bus." Seriously, this phrase needs to die. A couple of years ago I had never heard it, and now every time the laudromat loses your sock or someone doesn't like your tie or McDonalds puts a pickle on your plain cheeseburger, "THEY THREW ME UNDER THE BUS!" Aren't we being just a tiny bit melodramatic and overly sensitive? I mean, the desired impact of the phrase is in the imagery. Someone betrayed you and shoved you in the path of a speeding bus, where you were presumably dragged under the axle and scraped and crushed into a mess of bloody, shredded meat. Now, due to a couple of years of overuse, you assume that someone using this phrase was "mildly inconvenienced," or "miffed."
Last fall, I made a post ripping on supposed progressives who were following the Pied Piper named Ron Paul and being obnoxious about getting out the vote for this little stealth candidate turd. I just wanted to offer a little follow-up on that. In April, the US House of Representatives voted on a resolution to urge China's government to end its crackdown on nonviolent Tibetan protestors, to begin a dialogue with the Dalai Lama, to allow independent international journalists to have access to Tibet, and to release imprisoned nonviolent protestors, etc. This is not to say the US plans to force China to comply. The House voted 413 to 1 to pass the resolution (Currently there are 435 members in the House, so it can be assumed that there was broad bipartisan support.). Guess who the "1" was who voted against it.
Today I read an article that American schools were considering making 50% the lowest possible percentage you could make an F, so even if you skip an assignment completely, you don't get a 0%, you get a 50%. The reasoning? Well, if you get a 0%, you have to work really, really hard to get enough passing grades to bring your grade up to a passing level. In other words, we should make it easier to pass and graduate from high school without being able to find the United States on a globe, without knowing when America was settled, not knowing what the Declaration of Independence is, not knowing how to read and write without resorting to AOL-speak, and being completely baffled by math, physics, chemistry, biology, etc. "Uhhhh, the Periodic Table? PFFT! When I get my period is none of your fuckin' business, so you need to step off!" So, the solution to American students being too stupid to pass our dumbass watered-down educational system is to make it EVEN EASIER. I'm sure the rest of the world is cheering us on. "YES, YES! MAKE AMERICAN STUDENTS EVEN DUMBER! WE WANT THEIR JOBS!" Every country in the world wants to be as successful in the 21st century as the US was in the 20th. Should we just fucking hand it to them as we decay into the next member of the Third World?
The conservative concept that there is an infinite amount of wealth, and the only reason everyone isn't a mulit-billionaire is because they don't try hard enough, and if you're not lucky enough to be born male to a white, rich, American family who gave you a boatload of trust funds and an inheritance that is many times what an average person makes in a lifetime, or if your parents were too cheap to pay for an Ivy League education, well, PFFFT, that's YOUR problem. Oh, you mean to tell me you don't have hundreds of thousands of dollars of disposable income to take a chance on high-risk / high-yield stocks? HAH! That's YOUR fault. Fuck you, little people.
Speaking of retarded stoner humor, this retard at the gorcery store this morning was wearing an ever-so clever parody t-shirt with a picture of a fat, squinty-eyed Pikachu wearing a t-shirt with a pot leaf on it, with the caption, "Toke-e-Mon, Gotta Smoke Em All!" Oh, I might have forgotten to mention, he was shopping with his 6 year old daughter.
Retards who can't smile without biting the end of their tongues. Is that supposed to be cute? "Oh, that's a funny joke! A-th-th-th-th-th-th!"
People for whom getting in a bar fight, being restrained by security, dealing with police, being arrested and taken to jail for a day or two, eating jail food, taking communal showers, shitting in front of 20 other people, and being released with orders to report to court are all normal parts of an average weekend and nothing to worry too much about.
I always thought the perfect way to tell if I was getting old is when the music that young people think is awesome and becomes massively popular is the most stupid and irritating sound imaginable to me. That's bad news for me, because it apparently means I've been old since around age 14.
Parents who think their 35 year old child would be completely fucked if they weren't there to provide an endless stream of advice and suggestions about life decisions.
35 year olds whose lives would fall apart without a constant stream of parental guidance.
Ferrets.
Rarely will I single out a particular animal to hate, as I tend to see the natural benefits that certain adaptations in animal behavior or physiology would benefit the animal from an evolutionary standpoint, which tends to make most animals, at the very least, interesting. Even animals which seem to be pretty dumb can be interesting from the standpoint of biology. But seriously, ferrets are the most useless animals on the planet. Granted, guinea pigs are easily as dumb as ferrets, but they at least have the benefit of not being a wiggly, hyperactive slinky that bites, plus they have that adorable little squeak noise that basically serves as a beacon to predators, saying, "Hey, predators! Here I am! I'm a dumb, slow moving nugget of meat waiting to be snatched up and devoured!" A ferret is what happens when you remove the brain and spine from a cat, and then give it angel dust. It's as though they live their lives in a state of trying to be as annoying as possible. They can't even run like a normal animal. They kind of turn sideways and slink along with their back arched up and their back feet out of alignment with their front feet. Another thing I find interesting is that about 90% of the people who own ferrets are Wiccans. I attribute this to a need to have an animal around them which is actually dumber than them, in which case a dog would not fit the bill. If a wiccan had a dog, they would end up being the dog's pet. "Ah, but Nichodemus here is my familiar!" Congratulations. You have a spiritual link to the animal equivalent of silly string.
Then there's the fact that they have a skunky odor. As if it wasn't bad enough being nature's retard, they have BO to boot. I had a friend that had one that would chew on the cables that connected his VCR and DVD player to his TV. Not wanting to see the inevitable outcome of this, he decided to "train" the ferret not to do it. The ferret would go for the cables, and he would pick up the ferret, and move it away from the spot, turning it so it faced away from the TV. As soon as the creature's feet hit the ground, it would make an immediate B-line back to the cables. He snatched up the ferret again, and again the ferret ran straight back to the cables. It stopped being funny after about the 25th time. Even the dumbest cat or puppy would figure out that their master was trying to convey a message after being yanked away from doing something annoying and destructive a few times, but not a ferret. The ferret can only think, "DUHRR! CABLES, HAHAHAHA! DOIIII!" A fish has a greater learning capacity. Then there's the annoying no spine thing. If you pick up a ferret, and snap someone with it like a wet towel, the ferret is still thinking, "DUHRRR!! VIDEO CABLES! YAY! WHEEE!" My friend had a cage for the ferret, and he bought this sort of mulch for the bottom of the cage. The bag said, "Ferret litter." What it didn't say was that this was a verb. Any time the ferret was in the cage, its primary interest was to get as much of the litter out of the cage as possible. Sticking to character, it did this with an annoying scratching sound. My friend would call out, "TSST! HEY! STOP THAT! NO! TSST TSST TSST!" which, of course, the ferret seemed not to even notice. "YAY! LITTER! WHEE!!!" *fling fling*
Amazing bands that release a 7 song EP of mind-blowingly great and earthshatteringly unique music who then say, "Fuck it," and disappear.
Shitty bands who keep playing shitty shows and releasing new, shitty albums for thirty shitty years.
Employees who don't get the concept of VIP clients.
"See that guy over there? That's Mr. Johnston. Take very good care of him."
"Sure."
"No, like, REALLY."
"What? He's just a guy. He puts on his pants one leg at a time, just like everyone else."
"Yes, but he's my boss's boss's boss's boss, and once his pants are on, he can stamp on all our balls and then kick us all straight into an unemployment line on a whim, and I've seen him do worse for much less than getting mediocre service."
"Yeah, whatever. I'll take care of him. Pfft."
People who don't smoke pot who think that the only people who smoke pot are the very worst fringe of society, the Ted Bundys of the world. These are the people who heard that Bill Clinton tried pot in college and thought, "Well shit! I can't vote for that guy! No doubt the pot damaged his brain! What happens if there's a crisis? We can't have a president who will just sit there drooling like a retard!" Here's a tip, you disconnected assholes. Unless you have spent your entire life confined to a secluded religious cult compound on the outskirts of Salt Lake City, most of the people over age 16 you have met have tried pot. And if you did grow up in some weird religious compound, you should really give drugs a try.
People who smoke pot who assume that everyone smokes pot, and that everyone they meet will relate to, and be thrilled to hear their stoner humor and anecdotes about getting high, and won't think they're a retarded pothead.
"Dude! You know what today is? Haw haw haw!"
"Uhhh, Wednesday?"
"Nah, man, the date!"
"It's uhhhh... Is it the 21st?"
"Nah, man! It's the 20th! Hah!"
"... Uhhhh... And?"
"April 20, dude! Yeah!"
"... Is it your birthday or something?"
"No, dude! 420! Hah-haaah! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!"
"... Did you get your tax refund check or something?"
Fat comedians whose entire routine is about them being fat.
"Hey, everyone! It's great to be here! As you can see, I'm really, really fat!"
10 minutes later...
"So I was shopping for a car, and the dealer kept trying to sell me a Mini Cooper. Can you picture me in a Mini Cooper? It would look like a bumper car!"
10 minutes later...
"So I went to this all-you-can eat buffet, and you could see the look of fear on the guy's face."
10 minutes later...
"So I was dating this girl. I haven't seen her in a while though. Either she left me without saying a word, or she's stuck in between my rolls of back cleavage like a remote control between the couch cushions!"
10 minutes later...
"As you can imagine, I'm not a very successful triathlete."
10 minutes later...
"Boy, I sure am fat! Goodnight, folks! You guys have been great!"
People whose Myspace page is almost completely focused on, "Yo, fuck all you haters! I am who I am, and if you don't like it, you can kiss my ass!" You know, as much as I flap my mouth, and as much as I express opinions that are probably only held by me and four other people, two of which are on medication so they stop having such opinions, I almost never get negative messages on Myspace. So I have to assume that you are probably getting mean messages because you're such a giant douchebag that otherwise mild-mannered people can't resist voicing their disgust at your very existence. Like, there must be some sort of primal instinct at work here. *Click....* "Doot-dee-doo..." *Click...* "Ho-Hum..." *Click* "AAAGH!" (Guy punches his computer monitor as hard as he can) "WHAT THE FUCK! GOD! I HATE THAT GUY!" It's maybe not a coincidence that almost everyone who has this as the central message of their page is either a morbidly obese girl turning her giant ass towards the camera in a slutty, skin-tight tube dress that is barely long enough to cover her ass, or a sixteen year old white boy with a shitty little patchy peachfuzz Ja Rule mustache who looks like he's trying really hard to look like a member of Icy Hott Stuntaz.
People who claim to have arrived at their religious faith through scientific inquiry. "I think in a scientific, skeptical way, and if you tell me something, I need to see some sort of irrefutable evidence before I believe it. Well, if you walk down the street, you see buildings, and you know that even if you didn't see them being built, they had to be built BY someone. So where did life come from? Obviously, like the buildings, someone had to CAUSE life, and that's where God comes in." OH BOY, you sure gave that a lot of scientific thought, fuckwit. Let's see, I like hamburgers, but also I like pizza, therefore pizza was invented by Mayor McCheese. It's the only possible rational explanation. Gee, maybe buildings don't build themselves, because buildings are not organisms. Maybe when you have buildings that have DNA and reproduce, and gather and consume sources of energy for themselves and maybe eat things and have to avoid being eaten, and need to solve problems for themselves, maybe then we will have buildings that evolve over generations so they are more suited to their environments, but until then, it would be unfair to say it's like comparing apples to oranges, because APPLES and ORANGES are both at least PARTS OF ORGANISMS. It's more like comparing apples to carbeurators. As for "arriving" at creationism through science, you're full of shit, because there is absolutely no evidence for it. Here's a tip, mister scientist. In science, you need evidence. A guessed solution to a problem without an obvious answer is not evidence. By the way, there is a much more obvious solution, for which there IS evidence, and your denial of this evidence just shows how unscientific your thinking is.
While there are a ton of movies with flawed science, the ones that really piss me off are movies where the central plot is completely dependent on the audience being completely ignorant of extremely basic scientific facts that you would fail elementary school science classes if you didn't know. The average third grader could watch "The Core," and say, "Uhhhh... This is bullshit."
"Welcome to our company's annoying-as-fuck phone menu, where you may speak your choices. Please select from the following options. Track a package, request an invoice, speak to a sales person, or speak to a customer service representative...."
"Track a package."
"Did you say 'Hamster Fish?'"
"No."
*Click-a-click-a-click* "Wecome to the main menu. Please select from the following options. Track a package, request an invoice, speak to a sales person, or speak to a customer service representative...."
"TRACK... A... PACKAGE...."
"Did you say 'Meatberry Cloud Guitar?'"
"NO."
*Click-a-click-a-click* "Wecome to the main menu. Please select from the following---"
"FUCK!"
"Did you say 'Minnesota?'"
"NO!"
*Click-a-click-a-click* "Wecome to the main menu. Please select from the following options. Track a package, request an invoice, speak to a sales person, or speak to a customer service representative...."
"TRACK..... A..... PACKAGE...."
"Did you say 'Algebra Muffin Soup'"
"FUCK!" *click*
People who will never let you finish your extremely interesting anecdote because the first moment you take a breath, they will interject and interrupt you with their own dumbass, mundane anecdote, because they're narcissistic fucktards who are in love with the sound of their own voices.
"And then the CIA agents strapped me to the chair and stuck me with a huge syringe in my neck, and then-"
"Oh my god! Dude! The other day we were at the mall, and you remember that chick Jenny who was dating Mark? She was with Dave, and man, she must have gained at least 10 pounds over the winter!"
All those lame viral videos of people playing ultra-corny songs on orchestral instruments. Oh boy! Guys on cellos playing "The Final Countdown." That was almost as funny as those guys on cellos playing "Barbie Girl." Surely much, much more hilarity awaits us in the future. I can hardly wait for videos of guys on cellos playing "Der Kommissar," "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go," and Van Halen's "Jump," because that would be amazingly clever, original and ironic.
The recent hilarious shift in anti-drug ads. They have finally realized that only a fairly small number of teenagers are dumb enough to dabble in drugs like crystal meth and crack, and stick mostly to drugs like pot, LSD, ecstasy, etc. and hence, statistically, will almost definitely not end up as pregnant, scab-covered, HIV positive meth whores who live with hobos who put cigarettes out on on their faces and sleep in an alley on a soggy piece of cardboard in a puddle within three months of trying drugs for the first time, and they have finally realized that most teens are too smart to buy that "gateway drug" bullshit, and it annoys them to no end that teens can go to school, smoke some pot afterwards, have fun, and then show up on time, and perfectly healthy, to school the next day.
So how have they changed their ads? "Hey, kids! Don't submit to peer pressure! Instead, submit to peer pressure! Instead of your friends thinking you're a pussy for not trying drugs, now in opposite land, your friends think you're a douche for trying drugs!" They finally realized that kids value their friends' opinions, and that not all teens have friends who are just assholes trying to get them to do stupid shit and ruin their lives. Yes, kids value their friends' opinions, often more than the opinions of their square-as-fuck parents. Fucking farout. There is nothing more hilarious than a pencil-necked, upper-middle class advertisement writer trying to relate to modern teenagers.
A teenage guy who looks exactly like an extra from Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" video walks up to his friend, who looks like an Eagle Scout, in the hallway of a high-school.
"Hay, dude! I sure had fun last night! I was so high from smoking that marijuana cigarette that I do not remember what happened. You know, because you can black out from smoking pot."
"Don't you remember anything?" His friend looks annoyed.
"No, man, like I said, I was too busy being high to remember ANYTHING!"
"Have you looked at the internet?"
"Oh, dude! The internet! What did it do?"
"Look over there! Those fellow teenagers are using their cellular phones to look at the bad and embarrassing thing you did on the internet!" The camera shifts focus to show a dozen teenagers in the background looking at the guy, then at their cell phones, then giggling.
"Oh man! How was I to know that the internet would see me doing something bad and embarrassing? I was too high from drugs! What if my girlfriend sees it?"
The girlfriend, who also looks like a Young Republican, and better looking than he could probably realistically get, walks up. "I am breaking up with you, druggie! And don't try to send me a text message on your cellular phone either!" She then walks off in a huff before the guy can say anything.
"Oh no! Dude! What will I do now?"
"Don't ask me, druggie. I am not your friend anymore." He coldly walks away.
"No, dude! C'mon! I couldn't help it! I was high on the internet! I mean pot joint!!"
The camera shifts focus again to the kids looking at their cell phones and laughing, to reinforce that now that he's branded as a druggie, he has nowhere to turn, and that his life in highschool is utterly ruined. The camera shifts back to him, as he makes a face of such utter embarassment, it's as though he was caught fucking a goat and then the act was broadcast live on the jumbotron at the Super Bowl halftime show.
Prudish passive-aggressive assholes who try to take all the wind out of a really good dirty joke by saying, "I don't get it," as though they didn't hear the same perfectly coherent filth that everyone else is laughing at.
Rally retards. People who stand for causes that I support, who speak out publicly and try to look intelligent by using "advanced" vocabulary words, but butcher them and make the whole movement look stupid. Like the news will be covering an anti-war protest, and of course, they single out the one guy who is yelling the loudest to interview. He's full of passion and emotion, but mostly full of his own shit. "We need to communify to the so-called President that we are not going to stand idly by while American troops are in harm's way! This is not negotiatable! We need to find a way to facilify a expeditious withdrawal before we're quagmired in a quagmire! I mean, ever since 9/11, Bush has exploitated the situation, and has gave us a belligerous reputation around the world!"
Bands that have very extensive discographies spanning many years and eight to twelve albums that are indistinguishable from each other.
Christians whose understanding of stem cell research is that immoral, unwed sluts who engage in premarital sex and have a total disregard for decency, and have abortions just for kicks about as often as they buy new shoes, as their preferred method of birth control, abort their third trimester babies for money (which they probably spend on drugs), and these babies are then vivisected by soulless scientists, who root through their bodies in search of certain, special cells, as the living babies writhe and scream in pain, and are then thrown, still half-alive, into trashcans. And then these cells are used to make headless human clones, which are harvested for organs.
Of course, if you asked any of these ignoramuses if they knew what a blastocyst was, they would think you were trying to change the subject.
The fact that every time I see Ann Coulter, she's wearing a tank top, strappy dress, or something else designed to show off her neck and shoulders, which sucks because she's built like that screaming guy from Aphex Twin's "Come to Daddy" video.
The recent dumbass trend of using vague "teaser" ads and viral marketing for EVERYTHING. You see a bus drive by. On the side is an ad that is a blank white block that extends the length of the bus, with lower case text that says, "the revolution is coming." There is no mention of what the fuck this actually means, or even what company it's for. Maybe you can figure it out if you carefully examine the tiny copyright information, but the obvious intent is to make you wonder what the fuck it's about. You get on the subway and see another ad, again, all white with lower case text: "are you ready for the revolution?" As you walk down the street, you see stickers on lamp posts and newspaper vending machines that say "viva la revolucion." You turn on the TV, and every commercial break has an ad for it, "are you ready? the revolution is coming april 11th."
And so, April 11th comes, and now the ads on TV and posters are flashy and brightly colored. "THE REVOLUTION HAS ARRIVED! For a limited time, get a FREE small coffee with any Ihop breakfast platter! VIVA LA COFFEE REVOLUCION! AT IHOP!" What? Are you fucking kidding me? Who gives a shit? Fuck you!
Guys who wake up, take a shower, drench themselves in cologne and put on clothes that they think will get them laid, leave the house, try to get laid on the walk to the bus stop, try to get laid by hitting on multiple girls at the bus stop, then get on the bus and try to get laid on the bus. Then they get off the bus, and try to get laid on the one block walk to the subway, then they try to get laid on the subway platform, and then try to get laid on the train. Then they get off the train, and try to get laid on the way to Starbucks, then try to get laid at Starbucks. Then they leave Starbucks and try to get laid on the four block walk to work, then arrive at work and try to get laid. For lunch, they hit the company cafeteria, where they try to get laid, then try to get laid in the elevator on the way back to the office, where they try to get laid. Then they leave work, once again trying to get laid in the elevator on the way down, then try to get laid in the lobby. They walk to the train, trying multiple times to get laid on the way, then try to get laid on the train and bus rides home. On the way home, they stop at Burger King, where they try to get laid. Then they head home, where they take another shower, then drench themselves in cologne again, put on more flamoyant clothes that they think will get them laid, then head out to a bar to try to get laid. On the way to the bar, they don't waste a moment, and spend the entire transit time trying to get laid. Once they get to the bar, of course, they try to get laid, even while waiting in line to get in. Once they get in, they try to get laid, as they consume nearly enough alcohol to go into a coma. They even pester the shit out of the marginally attractive girl bartender, who no doubt fends off advances from hundreds of drunk, horny losers a day. Eventually, they figure out that they aren't getting laid in this bar, so they head to another bar, of course, trying to get laid en route. Then they get to the other bar, where they try to get laid. At this point they're so trashed that even the most vile, undersexed swamp monsters in the place won't talk to them, so they decide to call it a night. They get a cab, and yell out the window at girls on the street to try to get laid. If the cab driver is a woman, they will try to get laid with the cab driver, regardless of her attractiveness, age or weight. The cab drops them off in front of a convenient store a few blocks from their apartment, where they buy cigarettes and try to get laid. They get home and immediately turn on the computer to try to get laid on Myspace and Facebook by sending a whole shitload of girls messages that include a dumbass picture of them trying to look thuggish and pulling their shirt up to show their abs, shot with a digital camera in a bathroom mirror. Then they feel their first pang of shame for the day as they jerk off, because they feel like jerking off is for faggot pussies who can't get laid, and handling your own penis is kinda gay, but the shame is short-lived, as they drift to sleep, reeking of stale cologne, cigarettes, alcohol and sweat, with a twinge of optimism, because tomorrow is a new day, and hey, they might get laid.
The fact that if you're at the bottom of the corporate ladder and show up for work without shaving 30 minutes late a couple of times, you're told to get the fuck out, you're fired! You get nothing! In fact, security will escort you out and we will mail you your personal effects from your desk. YOU MAKE ME SICK! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE! But if you're at the top of the corporate ladder and you get busted using company funds to pay for a mansion where you snort cocaine off the asshole of a thousand dollar an hour hooker as you make such horrible business blunders that the company's stock drops like a stone and costs the shareholders billions of dollars, you are politely asked to step down, but will retain a position on the advisory board, and will keep your personal assistant and driver, and will still have a nice office on the executive floor, and will receive a severance package worth three years pay and stock options, with a total value of about 80 million dollars, which will no doubt only increase by leaps and bounds as someone more competent than yourself takes the reigns and the stock recovers.
Old people and hicks who are still, after all these years, shocked, horrified and pissed off because, "I went to the mall today and there was this girl who had a blue streak in her hair. Like, she dyed part of her hair BLUE! Does she think that's attractive? Oh my God, I couldn't believe it!"
If you tell me that you believe that there is a 10 foot tall invisible minotaur named Hector living in your apartment who travels to the planet Gribuglox every night and brings back with him a large syringe containing millions of microscopic yellow people, which he injects into your bladder as you sleep, and every morning you pee these little people into the toilet, where they travel to the sewer, where trillions of them have gathered underground and are plotting a takeover of the planet, and I ask you why you would believe this ridiculous shit, or what evidence you have of your claims, I'm apparently right to ask, because you're fucking psychotic, but if you tell me that you believe that an invisible man in the sky, who can do anything and knows everything, created the entire universe in 6 days and made the first human out of dirt, and later caused a virgin to give birth to the invisible man's son so that he could be killed, and then resurrected, thus redeeming all humans who accept that he now exists in the form of crackers and wine, from the inherited, and previously unforgivable, blame for the dirt man eating the wrong fruit, so that people can live forever in peace and bliss, as long as they follow this big list of rules and rituals, rather than be condemned to eternal torture, and that the invisible man is at the same time one person and three people, and if I demand the same rationalization as I would for the no more improbable space travelling minotaur, I'm an intolerant bigot who doesn't respect other people's beliefs.
The day after "No Country for Old Men" won its much-deserved Oscar for best picture, I saw a bunch of editorials that were whining about how all of the movies that were nominated for big awards are movies that nobody even goes to see. Well, gee. That might have something to do with the fact that the highest grossing movies of 2007 are all dogshit. Oh, should they have given best picture to "Spiderman 3?" Maybe "Shrek the Third," "Transformers," "Pirates of the Caribbean 3," "Harry Potter 5," or fucking "Alvin and the Chipmunks?" How about "Wild Hogs" or "Rush Hour 3?" All of those grossed much, much higher than any of the nominees. Why? Because Americans have shitty taste in everything. Americans wake up, drive to work while listening to the Bob and Tom show while eating an Egg McMuffin, listen to Rihanna, Linkin Park, Fergie, Nickelback, Kanye West, and Daughtry, read (if they actually read) Harry Potter and Grisham, buy their clothes at Abercrombie and Fitch, Hollister or fucking Walmart, and then go home and watch "American Idol," "Dancing with the Stars," "Survivor," and the "Oprah Winfrey Show." The reason the best movies aren't blockbusters is because Americans have horrible taste. I've realized for a long time that a very effective way of guaging how stupid something is is seeing how popular it becomes in America. Gee, I'm so sorry they gave oscars to movies that are actually good. Maybe you misunderstood the concept of giving awards to things that aren't stupid. I can see where awards shows like the Grammys might confuse you. You can happily sit through the worst dogshit day and night, but when someone wants to put a movie or music album in front of you that has actual substance, you recoil in disgust. It's like you want to eat nothing but Hohos for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You know, an occasional apple wouldn't fucking kill you.
People who post and email clever little "factoids" that are of extremely dubious credibility as though the fact that someone forwarded an email to them, and they forwarded it to me makes it 100% true. "Did you know that brushing your hair while chewing gum for one minute burns 880 calories?" Really? Because running on an elliptical machine as fast as I can for a half an hour until I'm pouring sweat and feel like I'm going to die burns about 90.
People who see that you got a haircut or a new suit or something, and know that you look good, but it would fucking kill them to actually pay you a compliment, so they qualify it with a thinly veiled insult. Like normally you look like a pile of dogshit, but today you actually kind of pulled it off. "Boy, Dave cleans up nice, huh?!"
People who think the most beautiful, exciting, awe-inspiring, exquisite thing ever made by human hands is the F-15 fighter jet.
Fundamentalist Christians who try to explain away discrepancies and impossible scenarios in the Bible by twisting the meaning of what the Bible says.
"Well, when it says the Bible says the Earth was created in six days, God could have made those days millions of years long if he wanted to. So like, the first six days could have been 500 million years long, or whatever." Oh wait, let me check the Bible to see where it said that. Oh wait. I see. You just made it up.
Here's one I found particularly amusing that I read on a creationist website.
"When it says that God brought all the animals before Adam to name them, of course it wouldn't make sense for Adam to name thousands of animals per second for 24 hours solid, so some Biblical scholars concluded that this probably only referred to his livestock and other animals that lived near him, a few hundred animals at most. 'All' does not necessarily mean 'each and every.'" Ummm... THAT IS THE FUCKING DEFINITION OF "ALL," FUCKTARDS! "All" doesn't mean "some," idiots. There is no other way to interpret "all" except as "every fucking one." If I walk into a room with a hundred people in it, and say, "I am going to give you all a red tee shirt with a picture of Ernest Borgnine giving a thumbs up sign with the caption 'Fuck you'," I had better have at least a hundred red tee shirts, or I'm a liar, and fucking nobody is going to buy some bullshit story about how "all" can have different definitions. (Oh, and please, someone make this shirt so I can buy one.)
Look, the only reason to believe in ridiculous shit like creationism is if you believe every word of the Bible. If the only way you can believe every word of the Bible is to twist the meaning of "All," to mean anything other than "All," you're full of shit, and aren't even a fundamentalist anyway, which negates any reason to believe in the fanciful fairy tale accounts of the history of the universe. It isn't bad enough that I live among people who believe dinosaurs never existed, but I have to live among retards who think "All" doesn't mean "All," too?
Those weird moods I get in when I go through Netflix and start checking "Add to queue" willy-nilly, then, a few weeks later, when I've forgotten all about it, I check my mailbox and think, "What the fuck? 'The Postman' with Kevin Costner? WHY?"
Hey, y'all. My name is Skeeter McCray. I live in Paintsville,KY, and ain't never been no more than ten miles away from the place where I was born to my 16 year old parents who were first cousins, and I ain't got no desire to go nowhere, neither, on account of city folk are all either faggots or jews, or faggot jews, and all foreigners are communists. I ain't never went to school since third grade, and that don't hurt me none, because all them people who done stayed in school think they're all high and mighty, and most of em are damn liberals, any-hoo. Besides, ain't nothin' I need to know that ain't in the Bible, which, o'course, I ain't never read, on account of I cain't read, but it don't matter none, because I love Jesus with all my heart, and know that he hates blacks and liberals and faggots as much as I do. A pretty good summary of my knowledge of history is that God created the earth in a week, about 6000 years ago, then Jesus showed up and made a flood that killed all the Moslims, and that the South shall rise again, and that we won the Vietnam War against Hitler. The only thing that comes a close second to how much I love Jesus is how much I love my guns, and I'll be goddamned if any commie liberal is gonna take them away. Of course, I always say my guns is for huntin', but y'all know that I'm just itchin' for some minority to step on my lawn so I can blow him away and claim self defense. I don't know nothin' 'bout the news, 'cept that it's borin', that all liberals are pussy Anti-American commies what want to destroy America, and that if something comes out of the mouth of Bill O'Reilly, it's as true as if Jesus hisself said it. Now, I know that all y'all people what graduated from some high-falootin' university or get yer news from the Guardian UK are probably thinkin' "Dang! This som'bitch is fuggin' ignorant," but you know what? I don't give a shit. You know why? Because I ain't got nothin' to do all day but whittle, shoot squirrels from my front porch, beat my wife and VOTE. That's right, I vote in every election, whether it's to stick creationists on the school board or racists on the city council or to keep a black man from bein' the president. And y'all know what's the funnest part? My vote counts as much as yours. That's right! Y'all might have more degrees than I have teeth, but my vote will always be there to cancel out y'all's vote, so stick that in yer pipe and smoke it, Mister "I got my PHD at Columbia University in political science!" And let's be honest fer a second. Y'all don't actually vote in every election, or maybe not at all, right? HAW! That's what I thought. Well, y'all can just sit back 'n' watch, and me and people like me will be tickled pink to shape public policy. Y'all know that there's a lot more of us than there are of you, and by God, WE VOTE!
Retards who derail meaningful discussions because they don't believe in FACTS, and want people to not talk about ideas that presuppose these facts are true, but instead, to try to prove to them that these facts are true, which is of course futile, because the person believes in something stupid like faith over facts, and regardless of how much irrefutable proof you shove in their face, they will retort with something that could easily be equated to "LAA LAA LAA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
Guy 1: "So some scientists are saying that many dinosaurs that were once thought to be reptilian, might have actually been more birdlike, and maybe even had some feathers and might have been warm-blooded."
Guy 2: "Oh yeah, I was reading about that the other day. It was really interesting when they pointed out the forelimb bones that had the little notches in them like modern birds have that cradle the ends of pinion feathers."
Guy 3: "Pffff! So let me get this straight. You think there were big scary creatures called dinosaurs that were on the earth millions of years before people? HAH! That would be kind of tough, considering the Bible says that humans arrived on the sixth day of the entire universe. How do you explain that, dumbass?"
Just shut the fuck up, retard.
Hicks from some backwater hole in Appalachia where the whole town consists of four mobile homes, a gas station, and a couple of old broken washing machines, one of which now serves as a doghouse, who, when they hear that you want to travel to London (or insert New York, Paris, Munich, Tokyo, or anywhere else that's farther away and more interesting than Ed's Used Tires), their initial reaction is, "What the fuck you wanna go there for?" Oh yeah, and leave ALL THIS?
Dumbasses who lie to you to your face in a way that you are absolutely certain to discover they are lying very quickly and easily.
I see one of my employees in his street clothes clocking out about 45 minutes early. I ask him why he is leaving early. "Oh, I told Scott that I was done with my work and had some things to take care of at home and he said it was ok if I left early." I didn't want to step on the other manager's toes, so I let him go.
A few minutes later, I pass Scott in the hall and ask him if he had given the employee permission to leave. He replied, "Dave came to me and said that YOU told him it was okay for him to go home early, so I said that if you said it was okay, it was okay."
Basically the guy had told us both the same lie. I mean,. I could maybe understand if we were talking about a four year old kid who stole a cookie, but we're talking about a 45 year old man.
People who manage their finances in such a way that if the home office fucks up and sends the Thursday paychecks on Friday or misses two hours of overtime and puts them as back pay for the following week, they turn into Bill Paxton on "Aliens." "What the fuck? Oh my God! How the fuck am I supposed to get by like this? I'm fuckin' DOOMED, MAN! I'm FUCKED! Oh, man! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER!"
Neighbors who either make a shitload of noise all the time and annoy the shit out of you, or neighbors who are constantly annoyed by little noises like you walking around your apartment or running water who apparently sleep or go to work NEVER.
Snobby retards who consider themselves aficionados of comedy, who think that nothing has been funny since the Smothers Brothers.
People who turn fucking everything into a bullshit game of 20 questions.
"Cook that Hot Pocket."
"You want it cooked?"
"Yes."
"Hmmm... That's a Hot Pocket?"
"Yes."
"You want me to cook it?"
"Yes."
"Hmmm... I've never cooked one of these before. How do I cook it?"
"Follow the directions."
"What directions?"
"The directions on the box."
"This box?"
"Yes."
"Hmmmm... It says to place it in the sleeve, place it in the microwave, cook it on high power for 2 minutes, rotate it, then cook it for another 2 minutes, or until hot."
"Yep."
"Hmmm... This goes in the microwave?"
"Yes."
"But it's like a pie. Wouldn't that be better in a conventional oven?"
"No."
"But I think it would be more crispy. Why not give it a try?"
"Because it's not designed that way. Just do it like it says on the box."
"Hmmm... It's got cellophane on it. Do I take that off? They don't mention it in the instructions."
"You couldn't really put it in the sleeve if you didn't."
"But do I then put it back in the cellophane after I put it in the sleeve?"
"No."
"Do I put a certain side up?"
"The sleeve says 'This side up.' Put that side up."
"Does it matter how the pie is set in the sleeve? Like do I put the flat side or the curved side down?"
"Who cares?"
"Uh oh, the ends are sticking out of the ends of the sleeve. Is that okay?"
"It doesn't matter."
"What's the wattage on the microwave?"
"Who gives a shit? It's a Hot Pocket, not braised pheasant. It's going to be a crappy Hot Pocket regardless of how carefully you cook it."
"It says to rotate it after two minutes. How far should I rotate it?"
"It doesn't matter."
"If it didn't matter, why would they says to do it? Should I rotate it 90 degrees? 180?"
"180. Just cook the damn thing."
"It doesn't mention putting the sleeve on a plate or anything. Should I? I think the microwave will get dirty if I don't."
"Sure, use a plate."
"Will it change the cooking time?"
"No."
"Oh, hey. This microwave has a carousel. Do I still need to rotate it?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Do I still cook it for 2 minutes, stop it, then cook it for two more minutes?"
"No, just set it to 4 minutes and leave it in."
"Do I change the cooking time?"
"'....OR UNTIL HOT!' Just cook the fucker."
"I'm going on break soon. Should I get someone else to cook it?"
"NO. Just do it. Goddamn!"
"Okay..... It's bubbling, but it's only been 3 minutes, 45 seconds. Is it done?"
"'OR UNTIL HOT!'"
"You think it's done? It's been 4 minutes now."
"It's done."
"Stop the microwave?"
"Yes."
"Do I take it out?"
"No, you leave it there until the end of time. Of course you take it out."
"Is it hot though?"
"Of course it is."
"Should I like, get an oven mitt or a spatula or something to get it out?"
"Whatever."
"What do I do with the sleeve thing?"
"You save it for your future grandchildren. Throw it away."
"Hmmm.... Isn't it supposed to look like the picture on the box?"
"Hot Pockets never do. It's kind of accepted that it's going to look like a porpoise took a shit in a pie crust."
Here's how the conversation should go.
"Cook that Hot Pocket."
"Okay................ Here you go."
The white balding guy in the crowded airport terminal this morning at 4:45am doing Tai Chi. Welcome to crankyland, bean sprout. You're doing something pretentious for the purpose of being seen, and nobody here is in the mood to look at you, and we sure as fuck don't think you're interesting. Now calm the fuck down before I am overcome by the urge to throw my six dollar coffee at you.
Employers that take forever to deal with even the simplest and most mundane problems.
"Hello, this is Irving Stanwick, head of global distribution at Blah Blah Blah, the leading manufacturer of satellite telecommunications technology... Oh, Hi, Dave. The break room coffee machine is broken? Are you sure? Hmmmm..... Uhhhh..... Ooohhh..... Who would we call to fix it? Maybe building maintenance? Maybe Scott from accounting would know? Hmmm...."
Three Months Later
"Hello, Irving Stanwick. Oh, hi, Dave. The break room coffee machine is broken? Again? Oh, it was never fixed? Uhhhhhhh...... Hmmmmmm.... Did you talk to Judy from H.R.? I think maybe she knows who deals with the coffee machines."
"Thanks for a nation of finks...”
-William S. Burroughs, A Thanksgiving Prayer (1988)
New York City's "If you see something, say something" campaign. In tons of places in NYC, like on subways and buses, there are posters everywhere showing a mosaic of pictures of people's eyes. Under the eyes is text that reads, "There are 16 million eyes in New York City. We're counting on all of them." Below this is a phone number to call if you see "something suspicious," which is vague in the extreme. Of course they mean this will help keep us safe from terrorism, but, of course, none of the attacks on September 11th, 2001 would have been averted or even lessened by everyone in New York glancing suspiciously at everyone else and repeatedly smashing their speed dial, where they had stored the hotline as entry #1. To augment the already overbearing mass of posters everywhere, the subways frequently play an audio recording, vaguely warning to "Be alert to suspicious persons or activities." When I first saw the poster, it immediately reminded me of the dark piercing eyes of Big Brother glaring out from posters and video screens in the John Hurt rendition of "1984." A few years after the initial release and ubiquitous posting of the original "If you see something, say something" posters, they posted a follow-up poster, which no doubt, they intended as a positive, optimistic thing, but made my blood run even a little colder. "Last year, 1944 people saw something and said something." This is supposed to make me feel safer? Nearly 2000 busy-bodies made themselves public snitches and did the police's work for them, just because they saw something "suspicious." Of course, if they had ACTUALLY stopped any real terrorist threat, there is no doubt that it would have been trumpeted all over the national press as a grand success story, a testament to the great value of the surveillance state, where everyone watches everyone, and tells the authorities everything they see that they deem "suspicious." Instead, all we see is the number, which could mean anything. The number might not even be accurate, and might not have any bearing to the improvement of public safety. To quote the photographer who took the picture, "This means there were 1944 people who were terrified for no reason." All it means is, "You are being watched.... by everyone... so watch what you do. You wouldn't want someone to think you're doing something suspicious." I mean, you might be doing something EVIL, like forgetting your shopping bag in the subway, or, (gasp) taking a picture of something on the street. I mean, only a terrorist would do something like walk down the street in a quiet neighborhood by himself... AT NIGHT EVEN. Obviously you're up to no good, plotting the destruction of God, mom and apple pie. Of course, all this snitching is anonymous, which bypasses the 6th Amendment of the Constitution, and as always, fascists instantly equate "people having rights" to "being for the terrorists." (Note the "Fair and Balanced" journalistic integrity of the reporter. In the case in question, a passenger told the flight crew that some people were making him nervous because they were (gasp) muslim on a (gasp) plane, and the police came and took them off the plane, and it turned out they weren't doing shit, so the people sued. "I mean, GOD! What kind of country are we living in if you can't just report someone to the authorities and accuse them of terrorism when they aren't doing a fucking thing wrong without fear of repercussions?") I mean, maybe before they started a program where you can anonymously call a hotline and accuse people of terrorism, they should have remembered that there are some idiots in this country who are fucking hysterical and paranoid who think that everyone who is a darker shade of brown than them or wearing something other than a polo shirt and khakis is probably up to no good. Call me crazy, but I don't want to live in a country where the idea of freedom is being negligibly safer from terrorism because any asshole can point a finger at me and have me waterboarded because they thought I had a funny look in my eye and they got spooked over nothing.
Review sites that are such pussies that they're scared to commit to saying that item A is better than item B. Hey, assholes. You're a review site. That's the whole fucking point. Comparing shit to other shit. They are either scared to give real reviews or are definitely selling something. Like recently I was contemplating changing my cell phone service (Something about the fact that my Sprint phone sometimes will be "roaming" standing right next to City Hall in the most populous city in the fucking US, because Sprint sucks the scabs off a meth whore's cum-encrusted anal sphincter. <--- Honest review). I googled "wireless service reviews." While some of the sites seemed to offer legitimate info, most would go on and on about, "What you want to do is find the carrier that's right for you, and here's a ton of information on every aspect of mobile phone service, but of course, we never name company names show prices or commit to saying that feature A is better than feature B. So basically, we're just creating more homework for you to do before switching phone services, when you actually came here to get your homework done. Blah blah blah, CDMA, blahbitty blah blah, GSM, blah bleee bloo blah, PCS blah blah blah...." Fuck you. ONE IS BETTER THAN THE OTHERS. WHICH ONE IS IT? THAT IS THE ONLY INFORMATION I NEED. Give me ratings, give me user reviews, give me prices. Oh, and YOU CAN TAKE DOWN THAT REVIEW YOU DID IN 2004, ASSHOLES. It's still fucking showing up on Google on the first page when you search for wireless service reviews, as though it's still fucking relevant to anything.
Here's a perfect example. It's December 20th, 2007. What is currently the best videocard available for gaming? "Ahh, well, the new Nvidia blahbitty blah is capable of producing 32 gagillion triangles per second with polyblah blah shading and blah blahbitty mhz frontside bus blah blah blah blahhhh... and of course the new ATI blah blah blah runs at 208 million blah blahs per blah blah blah with a framerate of blah blah blah with a blahbity blah processor for anti-aliasing blah blah blah..... Here, look at some cryptic mathematical graphs that all look pretty much the same and might or might not show pertinent information." YES, BUT WHAT IS THE BEST? I have 600 bucks in my hand and I'm looking for something that runs games better than anything else in that price range. WHAT IS IT? You know the fucking answer. GIVE IT TO ME. STOP BEING SUCH PUSSIES AND GROW A GODDAMN SPINE.
Even though I know it would probably be the shittiest job in the world, I always wanted to work at Home Depot just so I could refer to my boss as the Home Despot.
Guys who act like there's something wrong with you when you see a girl who is physically attractive, but dumb as a box of hair, and you are actually turned off by her stupidity. They say something like, "Whoa, look at that," and then when you qualify your agreement with, "Well, yeah, she's built nice, but she seems kind of doofy," they give you that look like, "What, are you a faggot?" No, but there's only so much enjoyment I can get from fucking someone who is borderline retarded.
Gee, maybe we'll eventually stop fucking for a second and have to actually talk to each other, and I'd rather not have to entertain a conversation that begins with, "I love Christmas trees! They're so purty! When I get my own apartment I'm gonna have ten Christmas trees and I'm gonna leave them up all year long! That way it's like Christmas all the time! And every year I'm gonna get another Christmas tree until the apartment is nothing but Christmas trees! YAY, CHRISTMAS TREES! YAAYYYY!!!'"
People who aren't diabetic who are paranoid about the sugar content of foods with a negligible sugar content.
"Would you like some Shredded Wheat?"
"Oh God no! Do you know how much sugar that has in it?"
"Yeah, enough that you can't even goddamn taste it. I mean, when I eat food that tastes like hay, I think 'boy, this is like eating hay-flavored candy.'"
People who should be pushing mops who are in positions where they need to deal with people.
*Ring, ring*
"Hello, this is blah blah with blah blah company."
"Hello......."
"...... How can I help you?"
"This is security......"
"...... Yes, what can I do for you?"
"There's somebody down here....."
"..... Who is it?"
"There's someone here....."
"....... Yes, who is it?"
"Oh, hold on...... He's making a delivery."
"What is he delivering?"
"Yeah, delivery......"
"WHAT is he delivering?
"He says he has a delivery for blah blah at the blah blah company...."
"Yes, but what is it?"
"Delivery."
"Can you send him up?"
"*Scoff* No....."
"Okay, I'll come down, but what is he delivering? Do I need to bring a cart or something?"
"I dunno. He says he has a delivery."
"But what is it? Is it big? What is he delivering?"
"Can I put you on hold for a second?"
"Okay."
"............... Hello?"
"Hello."
"So are you coming down?"
"What is being delivered? Is it large or heavy?"
"Should I tell the guy you are coming down?"
"Fine! I'll be down there in a second."
I go down and the delivery is a little cake in a shopping bag. For all I knew it could have been a palate of soft drink cases.
The fact that there are a million high security buildings and areas in New York City where a million retarded tourists are constantly debating with a million security guards about, "Can I go inside? But why not? But I just want to see it. But why can't I? I'm not gonna do nothin'. I just wanna see it. Why can't I?" BECAUSE YOU CAN'T, IDIOT! Because it's the United Nations building and MAYBE they don't allow every random retard who feels like it stroll through the front door and start taking pictures, or maybe shoot world leaders in the head, dipshit.
That unclever "Sheeple" thing that I have heard in a million places in the last couple of months. I had heard this before, but now I'm hearing it everywhere from videogames to car advertisements. Of course, retards still think the dumb pun is witty. "See, because sheep follow the flock, and people who follow the flock are, heh-heh, SHEEP-ple, get it? Because they're like SHEEP-PEOPLE, heh-heh. Get it?" The irony is that I'm hearing it from a million angles at once, so who's the fucking sheeple now?
Incomplete or incorrect walk-throughs for videogames. While most games can be figured out by simply paying attention, some games, particularly RPG's, can be completely infuriating unless you get some hints here and there. There's really no way they can expect you to know to randomly trade four cicada shells to the guy hiding in the barrel at G-17 when you can't even see him, and there's a million other people to talk to, and how the fuck are you supposed to know what cicada shells are for, particularly when even if you talk to the barrel guy, he just says something cryptic like, "Boy, I sure would like to help you, but it seems I'm lacking something"? And here all this time you've been throwing them away because they take up inventory space and they sell for only 1 gremf. So you go online, and search for a walkthrough. You hit the first match, and find a walkthrough for missions 1-8 out of 52 missions needed to complete the main story line. THANKS FOR NOTHING, FUCKASS!
The somewhat disappointing truth about presidential approval polls. When President Bush gets a 30% approval rating, that doesn't mean that people think he's doing a 30% job, it means that 30% of Americans still think, "Ya-huh, he doing GOOD GOOD job for America! He is GOOD and SMART. He CHRISTIAN too, what means he is MORAL and GOOD! Also he pertecting us from terrists like Osama bin Saddam, who I think is in the Middle East somewheres in England. That's important, cuz he wanna shoot us with a nuculur bomb cuz he hate freedom. I seen a nuculur bomb once on Terminator 2 and it was scary cuz that lady done turned into a skeleton, and that skeleton was screamin'! Now, if there's one thang I know', it's that I ain't never wanna meet no damn screamin' skeletons, SHIT-FIRE! He GOOD president, doing GOOD GOOD JOB, yea-up!"
People who are WAY too goddamn stupid to be on TV, but are anyway. "I don't think anything predated Christians." "Uhhhh, the Greeks came before them, then the Romans, then Christians." "Jesus came first, before them." EVEN THE GODDAMN BIBLE NEVER SAID NOTHING CAME BEFORE JESUS, RETARD. Mary and Joseph were BC characters. That's What B-C FUCKING MEANS! IT MEANS "BEFORE CHRIST!" EVEN THE MOST DEVOUT CHRISTIANS BELIEVE THAT SHIT HAPPENED BEFORE THE GODDAMN BIRTH OF CHRIST! HOLY FUCK! I Wonder how that job interview went.
"So, what do you think you have to offer? What can you bring to The View?"
"Well, I can speak on a broad range of subjects like DOIIIIIIII and DURRRRRRRHHHH.".
People with some kind of "two soup cans and a string" internet connection that drops all the time who use IM programs. Beefmonkey is online.... 2 minutes later.... Beefmonkey is offline...... 30 seconds later.... Beefmonkey is online.... 5 minutes later..... Beefmonkey is offline.... 30 seconds later.... Beefmonkey is online.... 3 minutes later..... Beefmonkey is offline.....
No, I will not go to some site to give your podcast a five star review even though you take five minutes out of every show to explain how easy it is and how important it is, so shut up about it. Easily over half of podcasts do this, and to me all it is is extra bullshit to fill up iPod space and extra time to download. If I download 12 podcasts, that's an hour of begging for ratings right there. Here's a little common sense... I listen to podcasts... on an iPod... and I don't listen to my iPod unless I'm out and about... and if I'm out and about.... I CAN'T FUCKING GO TO SOME WEBSITE AND VOTE ANYWAY, and when I'm at home, I plug my iPod in to charge, and I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT YOUR PODCAST AT THAT POINT. In fact, there are podcasts I try out and don't like, and I'm not even thinking about it enough to remember to unsubscribe. Sorry to burst your bubble, but your podcast is not the most important thing to happen to me in my day. Stop it. It's stupid.
TV shows that do segments on people with severe physical deformities, and the TV shows are, of course, totally depending on a voyeuristic public to get ratings. They then take the people out in public and play the intolerance card when people stare. "Why are you staring? That's not acceptable." Oh, gee. Why are people staring? Maybe they're never seen a set of siamese triplets joined at the face and are inquisitive, the same fucking reason you made this segment, in hopes that people would be eager to do their inquisitive staring from the comfort of their living room sofas.
People who are 32 chronologically and 14 emotionally.
"Baby In The Well" news stories. Of course, I don't necessarily specifically mean stories about babies stuck in wells. I mean any news story about something dumb and emotional, although truly insignificant on a cosmic scale, that the media goes apeshit over, and then spends weeks covering and distracting the public from all the real bullshit that's going on. Insert "trapped miners," "lost mountain climbers," "Terri Shiavo," "Jon Benet," "OJ," "domestic hostage situation," "armed stand-off," etc. in place of "baby in a well," as applicable. Paris Hilton stubbed her toe. Discuss.
A baby falls down a well. Within minutes, news crews are on the scene. An alert simultaneously flashes across the screen on Fox, MSNBC and CNN, interrupting coverage on the Iraq war. Some asshole graphic designer has already made an elaborate computer animated sequence with dramatic theme music that will flash on the screen before and after every commercial break for the next two weeks. "SAVING BABY CHRISTINE!" All the channels immediately place a box in the upper left hand side of the screen showing a 24 hour a day live video feed from a camera pointed down into the well, which simply shows blackness. Of course, the well-watch cam is not inset during commercial breaks, because beneath the surface the whole purpose behind this hoopla is generating commercial revenue.
Then they bring in a seemingly endless stream of "experts" for their live 24 hour a day coverage. A pediatric nutritionist is brought in to talk about how many days the baby could survive without food. A pediatric orthopedic surgeon is brought in to speculate on the injuries the baby might have sustained from the fall based on nothing but guessing. A geologist is brought in to discuss the kinds of rocks that the well is made of. A well builder talks about the design of the well. A survival specialist is brought in to speculate on how much cooler it would be at the bottom of the well and whether the baby will get hypothermia. The owner of the company that designed the winch that they are using to try to get the baby out comes on to tell all about the winch, and they show lots of CGI and stock footage of the winch being used in various applications. A 21 year old guy who made a short student film about a baby in a well for college credit is brought in to discuss the similarities between his film and the baby in the well. They interview a family whose baby fell in a well a few years ago and caused a media storm, so they can describe what it was like to have their baby stuck in a well. A psychologist is brought in to speculate on the emotional state of the baby. Some random weirdo with a distracting beard is brought in to speculate on the amount and quality of the water at the bottom of the well. Some political pundit asshole is brought in to bitch that the government isn't doing enough to protect America's babies from the scourge of wells. There are copious computer animated diagrams showing the well depth and where the baby might be stuck, but of course, they're all just guessing.
Inevitably, when someone from the local hick police force or EMT or whatever calls a press conference, or whenever anyone does anything to maybe do anything to get the kid out of the well, they immediately cut to that as a NEWS FLASH. "Well it appears that they are setting up some sort of tripod on which to maybe mount a winch. Sarah, do we have any further information on this tripod?" "Yes, John, it appears that they ARE INDEED setting up a tripod of some sort. Whether the tripod will be a mount for a winch or maybe something else, we do not know, uhh, at this time." Four hours pass and the tripod still has nothing mounted to it, but the live coverage continues, complete with "expert" commentary. "So in your expert opinion, what are we looking at?" "Well, it appears to be a tripod.... Hang on, wait a second... one... two..... three.... Yes it is a tripod. A tripod, of course has three legs. If it had four or more legs, we would be looking at something else. I can tell from here that it is most likely made of metal, though what kind of metal I do not know. Ummm... Couldn't we, uhh... just ask the rescuers what's up with the tripod?" "SHUT UP! WE'VE KILLED FOUR HOURS ON THIS THING! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY IPHONE AND GEICO COMMERCIALS WE'VE PLAYED IN THAT TIME? If they just tell us what it is, we'll have to think of something else to talk about! You don't want that, do you?" "No, uhh, of course not... So I'm not sure of the weight capacity of this tripod, so I really can't guess on its suitability to lift Christine out of the well, or maybe...." etc. etc.
Of course, every 20 seconds, they cut away from the talking heads to show the same montage of stock footage of the well and home videos and pictures of the baby OVER AND OVER AND OVER. They also occasionally enlarge the inset well-watch cam to fullscreen so you can get a closer look at pitch blackness. Of course, about once an hour they drag out the poor, distraught parents to talk live to the media about how they are praying and trying to hold onto hope, and they give the bloodthirsty media the ratings-driving prize they want: tears.
A week later the 24 hour coverage is still going on. The well-watch cam box in the corner has been upgraded from a camera that picks up visible light to an infrared camera, so instead of a black rectangle, the rectangle now shows a green doughnut that fades to a pitch black center. The talking heads are still speculating. The tone has shifted to "Who can the family sue if the baby is not recovered alive?" "Mister Politician who is up for election, where do you stand on the move to outlaw all wells?" The talking heads talk, and the montage of the little girl and the well plays again and again.
After two weeks they finally recover the little girl's dead body. It turns out that the baby died in the initial fall and has been dead the whole two weeks. The 24 hour well-watch cam is turned off and is replaced by a repeating loop of people holding candles and bringing flowers to the family's home.
The media gets it's teary-eyed interview with the family, who look like they haven't slept for the entire two weeks. The talking heads keep talking and talking as public interest begins to wane. The media has milked the story dry.
They have managed to keep the public enthralled by a spectacle and keep their sponsors happy for two solid weeks without having to do a shred of real journalistic work.
"Such a tragic end to such a dramatic story. Now we bring you back to Iraq, where political factions are working towards a deal to.... Just a moment. We have just received a news alert that five members of a Boy Scout Troop have become lost in the woods in Washington State!" And the dramatic theme music blasts as an animated CGI logo fills the screen: "THE SEARCH FOR TROOP 168!"
Rich fucks with horrific teeth. Seriously, sometimes you'll see these corporate CEO's and heads of state and their teeth look like they are made entirely of tartar. Like you know you could easily scratch off a big cake of goop off the front of their incisors and squish it out from under your fingernail like a wad of camembert cheese. They appear on your TV screen and you can smell the hallitosis in your living room. Seriously, assholes. You could wipe your asses with hundred dollar bills. How could you let your teeth decay until they look like an ant farm? If I had your money my smile would fucking blind people.
So, I just saw a guy who was wearing an oversized t-shirt down to his knees with Tupac Shakur on the front. He was wearing the standard issue oversized Roca Wear jeans with the waistline at about his mid thighs. These cascaded down and bunched up over his sparklingly brand new white Nikes. His forearms were covered in gangsta looking tattoos. He was smoking and had one of those annoying 2-way radio cell phones, which, of course, he had cranked up to full volume for effect, so we could all hear the lovely "Sups" and "Yo, where you ats." Oh, I might have forgotten to mention, he was an Indian guy wearing a turban. Soooo... You've completely assimilated all the dumbest things in American culture, but kept the one thing that might make sense to lose. Yeah, that makes sense.
Isn't it about time to stop electing people to plan our future who believe that God is going to come down and take all his chosen people bodily to heaven sometime probably before next Tuesday?
Those horrible zits that look like shit and swell and hurt, but never rise close enough to the surface to pop. Like you'll have this big red volcano looking thing on your chest or the back of your neck, and it sticks out far enough that you can easily align your index finger and thumb on it. Then you squeeze and squeeze and then switch to using both your thumbs, and you continue to squeeze harder and harder. You can see a little plasma emerging on the skin, but the thing simply won't pop. You can feel something that feels like a ball bearing deep inside it. You keep squeezing and then you feel the ball bearing crunch. At that point things get a little hazy because you lose consiousness from the pain. When you come to, you look down at your chest and the thing is swelled up like a big red fucking golfball. A month later the thing still hasn't popped, despite many attempts, and you start to feel like it will always be there, like a third nipple.
People who combine their dumb superstitions.
"What if the Star of Bethlehem was really a UFO flown by alien greys?"
"What if your stupidity is contagious?"
Companies with telephone operators who transfer you repeatedly so you have to reexplain your entire problem to multiple people who have no idea what you are calling about.
"Hello, retail services."
"Hello, my name is Joe Blow and I ordered a box of widgets about three weeks ago and I haven't received them yet."
"Do you have your order number?"
"Yes, it's order number 105672."
"Hmmmmm............ Could I put you on hold for a moment?"
"Sure."
A couple of minutes pass.
"Hello, order tracking."
"Uhhh.... Yes, my name is Joe Blow, and I was trying to track my order. I placed an order for some widgets about three weeks ago and I haven't received them yet."
"Do you have your order number?"
"105672."
"Hmmmm........ Were these the three inch widgets?"
"Four inch."
"Hmmm......... Could I put you on hold for a moment?"
"Sure."
A couple of minutes pass.
"Widget development, this is Dave, how can I help you."
"Uhhh.... Sorry, I think they might have sent me to the wrong extension."
"Did you have a problem with widgets?"
"Yes."
"Were these the three or four inch widgets?"
"Four."
"Are they not working?"
"I haven't received my order yet."
"Oh... Sorry, what did you say your name was?"
"Joe Blow."
"Could you hold for a moment?"
"Sure."
A couple of minutes pass.
"Hello, this is customer service. Is this mister Blow?"
"Yes."
"I was told you wanted to place and order for some four inch widgets."
"No, I ordered a box of widgets three weeks ago and have not received them yet."
"Oh, uhhhh... Could you hold for a moment?"
"*Sigh...* Sure."
"Hello, distribution."
"I ordered a box of four inch, not three inch, widgets three weeks ago and I haven't received them. My order number is 105672. DON'T TRANSFER ME!"
Dumb fashion companies that haven't been in style since my childhood that keep hanging on and waiting for that big comeback. Hear me, Reebok? That Rbk shit isn't fooling anyone. What's that, Jordache? Did you say something?
People who randomly add unnecessary words to sentences because they think it makes them sound smarter. I just overheard one side of a phone conversation that made my eye twitch. The lady was using her very best rehearsed sophisticated voice.
"I had emailed her yesterday, and I had asked her to bring pens to the meeting. She had said she would bring them."
If you took every "had" out of that quote, it would be proper English.
People who, when their current course of action proves completely fruitless, continue doing exactly the same thing again and again.
This waiter was using his two-way radio to try to contact another waiter.
"*Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... " he said repeatedly in the exact same tone.
Finally, I said, "Just go find him." As I said it, it looked as though he snapped out of a trance.
People who are angry at you for not having information that you truly have no reason to have.
"I wanted to get a price quote for an LCD projector rental for a meeting."
"Sorry, sir. We're the catering company. We don't deal with AV setups. You need to get that price quote from the AV-Media department."
"So you don't know? Psssht! What's their phone number?"
"Uhhh... Hang on, let me look it up for you."
"DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?" Then the phone makes a loud clattering sound as he hangs up with a slam.
People whose default facial expression is as though someone is holding a plate of dog diarrhea under their chin.
People who want you to be on time for something so they ask you to be there WAY earlier than necessary. Like today I was told to arrive at a meeting at 7am. Of course, the meeting was way out in the middle of nowhere, so I had to get up at 3am to make it there on time. When I arrived at 7am they told me to grab some coffee and wait for the meeting to start. The meeting started at 9:30. Fuck you.
Commercials that depict customer service calls as being absolutely no hassle to the absurd extent that even the most optimistic viewer would scoff, "BULLLLLLLLSHIIIIIIT!"
A guy is checking his bank account online and sees a purchase for 2000 dollars that he didn't make. He picks up the phone and calls customer service. The scene cuts to a very attractive girl in a suit wearing a headset in a very clean and organized call center. Everyone in the background is busy gleefully helping other customers. The girl is smiling ear to ear and sounds genuinely happy to hear from the guy. "Thank you for calling Providence Bank. How may I help you today?"
"I believe I may be the victim of credit fraud. There's a charge for 2000 dollars on my account that wasn't me."
"I am sorry to hear that, Mister Smith. We have credited the 2000 dollars to your account."
"But... I didn't even tell you my name. How did you--" The guy hits refresh on his web browser and the $2000 credit shows in his account immediately. "Huh? Uhh, wow! That was easy! Thanks!"
"No problem. Is there anything else I can help you with today? Foot massage, maybe?"
"Sure! Thanks!"
People who are barely even famous who have Wikipedia pages about them that they obviously wrote themselves. Compare the congratulatory fanboy tone and extensive "triva" bits of the previous article to one about someone who is inarguably more well known, admired, and successful, whose career is much more extensive and whose most notable work is a household name and has been enjoyed by millions of people worldwide for over a decade. Oh, and uhh, if your agent wrote it for you, you're still a laughable douche.
That dumbass, predictable "joking but serious" shit when you walk by someone with pizza, beer, liquor, flowers, etc. etc. "Awww! You brought that for me? Why, thank you!"
People who can't adjust to changes in their jobs even when given way more than an adequate adjustment period.
"Agh! I still can't figure out these new expense reports! Why can't they just use the expense reports we had before?"
"Uhhh, they changed the expense report format in 2002."
"Well, the old ones were easier to use."
"Well, tough shit."
Unemployed people who list their employment status as "self-employed."
And the dumbass of the year award goes to...
I ordered some food for delivery. The total was 14 bucks. The delivery driver shows up and I hand him a 20 dollar bill. He asks me if I have anything other than a 20 and says that he has no change. "Really? You have NO change," I ask in disbelief, and he shakes his head.
He stands there with my 20 in his hand looking frustrated and stupid. I could almost hear his meager mental hardware clinking and clanking in his head. His brain apparently couldn't come up with anything reasonable, so he went into "throw up hands" mode. "Well, I don't have any change," he says as I start to get the impression that he's thinking the transaction is complete.
"Well, you aren't getting a six dollar tip." This seemed to have the "splash of cold water" effect and I could see him trying to think again. At this point I was getting really pissed. It was bad enough that it took like an hour for my food to arrive, and now I have Lenny Small on my doorstep who didn't figure that he would need any change. My fucking order is between 10 and 20 dollars. Nearly every ATM gives you 20 dollar bills. That makes the odds of me handing him a 20 dollar bill pretty goddamn high, and he didn't think this would come up? At this point it seems like this could go on all day, and since seeing this guy's dopey face is making me angrier and angrier the longer I look at it, I decide to do something before I haul off and hit him. Punching pizza guys is generally frowned upon, and it's not like he doesn't know where I live.
"Look. Forget it." The words again seem to have a "Snap out of it" effect. "I don't want the pizza anymore. Tell your boss you couldn't make change for me and the customer was annoyed and sent it back."
Finally, this ultimatum seemed to make this guy realize that solutions existed that were outside of just standing there in front of my door looking retarded. "Wait. I'll go get change. Give me the 20 dollars and I'll bring back your change."
"Uhhh, if I give you 20 dollars, you're going to leave and go about your day."
"Uhhhh, okay, I'll take the pizza and go to the bank and get change and come back."
"Uhhh, if that pizza goes with you, after all this, sorry, but I don't think I trust that nothing bad will happen to it before I eat it. Even if you don't do something to it, it will be stone cold."
The guy chuckled a little. I guess I foiled his plot to put his balls on my pizza. "Uhhhhh....."
He was starting to go back into impasse mode, so I presented the solution. "Leave the pizza here. You know where to find me. Go back to your store, get change, come back, and I will pay you." His eyes lit up, as though I had a great solution that he wouldn't have thought of in a million years.
Absurd or unnecessary "because I said so" rules or precautions.
"Whoa! You can't take that cart on the elevator."
"Why not?"
"Well, you could damage the elevator."
"Look. The cart plus what's on it weighs about 100 pounds. I think it's safe so say that's considerably less than you or me. Its wheels are made of rubber, just like the soles of my shoes. Obviously, I know I will get in trouble if I scratch the sides of the elevator, so I promise I won't let the cart touch the sides or door of the elevator. Plus, there's a camera in there if you care to make sure. Also, there's nobody in the elevator, so it would be just me and the cart, with no possibility of bumping into someone else, or having someone else bump the cart and scratch the sides of the elevator."
"It doesn't matter. You can't take that cart in the elevator."
Radio stations that still have "CD" in their jingle or call name. "You're listening to CD 101.5!" OOOOOHHHHH! CD's! They're HI-TECH! It's awesome that you're boasting that you're using 25 year old technology that's on the verge of obsolescence! WOW! You're not just 101.5, you're CD 101.5! Fucking WOOT!
People who go on the subway with a big purse, a tote bag, a back pack, another tote bag, a laptop case, and a rolling carry-on bag with another bag sitting on top of it. Hey asshole, if you need a mobile office, buy a fucking car..
Today I had to use the LIRR train because my job had me working way out in the sticks. The eastbound train was due to arrive at 7:55. I arrived at the station and waited in the ticket line. The bitch in the booth worked as slowly as possible. When I got to the counter, the train was coming into the station. I told her my destination and said I wanted a round trip. She made this stink-face and said, "The next train doesn't get here until 8:36."
I said, "The train is right here NOW."
She says in this ho-hum tone, "Yeah, but you're not going to catch that train."
"I WILL IF YOU GIVE ME MY TICKET."
After some huffing and puffing and ghetto mumbling she gave me my ticket and change and I ran and slipped in the door of the 7:55 train as it was closing. It was too bad I couldn't simultaneously be on the train and telling this dumb bitch off and giving her the one finger salute of "I told you so." To think this bitch had just DECIDED that I was going to be 40 minutes late AND would have to pay the higher "Peak" rate for my ticket when the train I wanted was within reach if she would just stop being retarded. I remember when these fucking ticket tellers bitched and moaned when the MTA started making ATM-like ticket vending machines, saying that they would take away jobs. The only reason I went to the teller instead of the machine was to get, uhhh.... I think in the olden days they called it "service." It's pretty fucking bad when a machine can give me far better service than a person. Would the machine keep me waiting around to hear its opinion on whether I will make the train if I run for it? Fuck you. I hope a machine does take your job. In fact I hope someone makes a machine whose only functions are making your children cry while kicking you in the twat.
More on the LIRR:
This morning my job wanted me to be way out in the the middle of nowhere by 7am. Soooo... I have a choice. Either I can arrive there 43 minutes early, or 51 minutes late. You would think they could have more frequent trains since all the commuters are paying 12 bucks. Oh wait. What am I thinking? The MTA giving halfway decent service for a reasonable price? Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.
People who operate a podcast that consists entirely of other people's music, who go for long periods of time between updates, citing "lack of creative inspiration." Uhhh... The fucking music is there. All you do is pick songs and make a podcast. There's very little demand for your personal creativity. Just fucking do it. If my goal was to make a podcast of various artists' music, I could crank out hundreds of ten song shows, creating play lists much faster than the songs could even be compiled into podcasts. I could even stay within genre and mood constraints. Take your "writer's block" and shove it up your ass. You're just lazy.
While it can make the work day go by faster if you are allowed play music in the office, almost nothing can make the day more agonizing than working in a place where they play shitty music. Try working 9+ hours a day listening to country music. It's enough to make someone go postal.
People who don't understand that there is a lot of gray area between "Go out and have a few drinks with your friends" and "Get so drunk you throw up all over yourself and pass out and have to be taken home by one of your friends an hour after arriving at the bar."
People who spam their MySpace friends list and email address book to "get out the vote" for some candidate who: A.) I have already expressed my disliking of directly to the sender, B.) Is considered to be either a complete douchebag or wing-nut by most people and is only liked by a tiny group of people who are fucked in the heads, and C.) Because of B could never win in a million fucking years... ARE YOU LISTENING, RON PAUL '08 RETARDS? Oh, and for the record, as of October, '07, I'm not supporting anyone for president. There's really nobody but douchebags running, and it's a typical presidential election, like always. You have the Democrats, who seem to always pick their candidates as though they are designed to lose, wholly relying on the misguided "well, at least we're not republicans" strategy that they should have learned doesn't work when Kerry lost to an incumbent whose approval rating was in the 30-40% range, and on the other side you have a geezer actor, a crazy cultist who flip-flops on abortion rights just to get votes, and a former mayor who is the only person on the planet that used 9/11 to enhance his career more than Osama Bin Laden did. I haven't seen a worse spread since Goatse.cx.
Tests and certifications that the government makes you do which are basically just ways to make you waste time and pay money. Like recently I had to take a 15 hour class and take a test to get certified in New York City in food safety. The cost of the class was $108.00. If you run a restaurant and there is not a manager or supervisor on the premises with a food handling certification card, and the Health Department comes to inspect, it is a critical violation with a huge fine, and you run the risk of having your restaurant shut down. So I took the class and test. The stupid thing is that a fucking chimp could pass. The test was 50 questions, and you can miss as many as 15 and pass. Personally, if you miss anywhere close to 15, I want to know what restaurant you work at so I can avoid eating there. The test had maybe 2 or 3 questions where you had to actually remember a number or think for more than half a second. Most of the questions were like this (Actual question from the test.):
The reason chicken must be cooked to an internal temperature of 165 degrees is:
A.) To improve the flavor.
B.) To increase business.
C.) To give the food a pleasant color.
D.) To kill salmonella bacteria which can spread food borne illness.
REALLY? I had to take a class to learn that? Not only is the correct answer obvious, but the question and answer contain the only important information that you might have to remember. It's as though the question is a lesson. Seriously, you could get almost every question right, even if you didn't take the class, if you had an iota of common sense. I got 100% on the test. The guy in front of me missed fucking TEN... And this fuck gets the same card I do. You seriously might as well just have a window where you walk up, pay $108.00, and they give you a card. If that guy missed ten questions on that EASY AS FUCK test, he's gonna fucking kill someone.
People who, when you fuck up, go into this passive aggressive "helpful" mode to thoroughly rub it in.
"Good morning. Do you have that report I need?"
"Aaah! Sorry, I forgot! Give me a few minutes and I'll finish it up."
"Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, I just forgot, I'm sorry. It shouldn't take long. Just give me a few minutes."
"No, I'm sorry. It might be my fault."
"Huh?"
"I must not have communicated clearly how important that report is."
"No, I understood, I just got caught up in other things and forgot."
"No, I think I need to get more in tune with how to communicate with you. Is there something more that I could do for you so you and I could be more on the same wavelength? Would you like for me to email you assignments in addition to asking you? Maybe I could install a new bulletin board in here to list what reports I need."
"That's not necessary. I was just busy yesterday and forgot."
"No, no. I'm going to call facilities when I get back to my desk to have a bulletin board put in. Would you like for me to put a message on your voicemail too?"
"No, that's not necessary."
"I just want to help you as much as I can."
THANK YOU! I GET IT! I FUCKED UP! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE, ASSHOLE!
People who, when you fuck up, go into this passive aggressive feigned inability to understand how this could happen to thoroughly rub it in.
"Good morning. Do you have that report I need?"
"Aaah! Sorry, I forgot. Give me a few minutes to finish it up."
"You didn't do it?"
"No, sorry."
"But... How did..... Wait, you really didn't do any of it?"
"Sorry, I was busy yesterday and I forgot."
"Wait, wait, wait... I'm trying to wrap my head around this. You knew the report was important, right?"
"Yeah."
"And you didn't do it?"
"I forgot."
"But if you knew it was important, how is it possible to forget about it?"
"I don't know. I just got busy with other stuff and it got put on the back burner."
"But.... I don't understand how you could put it on the back burner if you knew it was important."
Of course, this conversation could go on indefinitely, and these conversations usually will, until you finally say, "THANK YOU! I GET IT! I FUCKED UP! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE, ASSHOLE!"
People who say, "Dammit! I'm fed up with this shit. How am I supposed to get by? I work a shitload of hours, hardly ever see my kids, and my wife works too, and we can still barely pay the bills because the rent, utilities, phone, cable, etc. just go up and up and every year I get my review and they give me a teeny tiny raise that doesn't even begin to cover the increase in the cost of living. I guess I should be happy they give me anything at all, because it's not like my workplace is unionized. And then the cost of healthcare is going through the roof, and there's no way I can afford insurance, and my job doesn't offer me any benefits, and Medicare doesn't cover enough. I've had a bad knee and a really bad cough for years, but I can't possibly support my family if I spend money to get it checked, and if I had to miss any work, we'd be totally screwed. I'm so sick of how corporations have so much power in government. It's like nothing gets done unless some Fortune 500 assholes want it. And of course, I pay way too much in taxes, and those rich fat cats don't pay nearly their fair share! And then there's that goddamn war! The government is spending all it's money on this stupid war that we never should have gotten in, and may never get out of, when we have real problems here at home that need fixing. My brother was supposed to be home from Iraq months ago, but they keep sending him back and extending his tours. If this keeps up, there's going to be a draft, but of course, just like in Vietnam, all those rich assholes will find ways to keep their kids out of harm's way, and it'll be the little guy that gets stepped on again, just like with everything else. I've had it! They'll be hearing my anger in the voting booth this November! That's right! I'm gonna vote.... Republican!"
People who apparently do nothing all day but take FUCKING MEANINGLESS online quizzes and post them on bulletins on Myspace. I have retards that post the results of 6 or 7 quizzes every day on Myspace bulletins and almost always, the questions are completely irrelevant to anything. Do these people think that anyone actually reads that shit?
"1. When was the last time you were in a car?" Today.
2. "Have you ever been to see a movie with anyone on your friends list?" Yes.
3. "What is your third favorite food?" Meatloaf.
4. "Have you ever been to Ohio?" Yes.
5. "What day of the week were you born on?" I dunno! LOL!
6. "Are you good at math?" No.
7. "What color are your mother's eyes?" Blue.
8. "Have you ever gone skydiving?" No.
9. "Where was the best place you ever went on vacation?" The Bahamas.
10. "Do you like apples?" Yes.
11. "Do you believe in reincarnation?" No.
12. "Have you ever eaten Thai food?" Yes.
WOW! I FEEL LIKE I KNOW YOU SO MUCH BETTER NOW! THANK YOU FOR SHARING THESE DEEP AND REVEALING FACTS WITH ME! The only thing I learned is that you're apparently stupid.
People who think they're going to get real change in Congress by reelecting the same douchebags that have been there for 20 years. "Oh boy! I could never live with myself if some conservative took that seat. I'd better elect Joe Lieberman to another term."
You could hear the collective forehead slap as gay rights activists everywhere, who had been working their whole lives to promote acceptance, shouted, "FUUUUUCK!" as all their hard work was nullified in two minutes and eleven seconds.
"CONGRATULATIONS! You have been selected to receive two free iPod Nanos!" FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU!
Invariably, people will occasionally blurt out "fuck" on live TV. A person will say "nigger" or "faggot" or something else that pisses a lot of people off. In steps the media gestapo to make rules and impose fines and bring the hammer down with complete disregard for free speech. Then, self-professed champions of free speech step in and say the dumbest thing they could ever say in hopes of saving free speech. "What's the big deal? They're just words. Words have no power. I mean, why is everyone so angry? Words can't hurt anybody. They're just words, geeez!" Just words? Hey, idiot, words ARE important. Should people have a heart attack and get all self righteous when they hear a word they don't like? Probably not, but words ARE powerful. Words ARE important. Words CAN