In no particular order since they are all WAY past due.
Updated 9/3/08
Any adult who STILL can't admit they masturbated EVER.
The fact that people who have no imaginations always have nothing but negative things to say about people who have vast imaginations.
The frighteningly large number of Americans that think an accurate summary of the First Amendment is that you have the right to practice Christianity in the Protestant church of your choice, and that the part about free speech doesn't really matter.
People who read my page, like it, and decide to sign up to a forum as Negativepositive and act like my page is their homepage. Even weirder are people who read my page, acknowledge that it's mine, then LINK to it with "additions" they would like to see that are things that are ALREADY on the page, but they reworded them very, VERY slightly. Worse are people who use the name "negativepositive" to make a .com, myspace page, flickr, livejournal, etc. who post a poem, a couple of pictures, or nothing in particular, and then apparently move on.
"I'm negativepositive! Welcome to my page!.... Last login: April 22, 2003."
This guy Adam Sessler from TechTV (now called G4, which sucks more and more by the day) who really, really liked my Jennifer video that I made in September of 2002. In "Jennifer," I walk around Manhattan among crowds of confused onlookers with a red snapper under my arm, seeing the sights as though I'm hanging out with my girlfriend. He liked it so much that in August of 2003, nearly a year after I published "Jennifer," he made a few small videos of (get this amazing originality) him walking around town among crowds of confused onlookers with a red snapper under his arm, seeing the sights as though he's hanging out with his buddy. Not just any fish, but a red snapper, no less. He even buys the fucker at some Chinatown fish place, just like I did. How inventive! I'm sure it's all just a BIG COINCIDENCE that he thought of the EXACT same idea as me a year after I thought it up. I mean, a guy walking around the city with a red fucking snapper under his arm talking to it like it's a person... That's like a comedy standard, right? WRONG. The fucking guy even holds the fish the same way. Dude, the least you could do is link to me. It's the least you could do for blatantly plagiarizing content from my page to put on your shitty channel to ensure that you have a job. I made the video expecting no money in return, whereas you deliberately steal people's ideas to get your paycheck. Goddamn, what a blood sucking parasite. "Slippy the Fish?" How many hours around the boardroom table did it take to come up with "Slippy?" Jesus. What brilliance! Just call it "Swimmy the Fish what Digs Wetness" and save yourself some effort. Why does TechTV need to resort to blatantly plagiarizing me to have something interesting on their channel? Because they suck ass and I kick ass. Seriously, eat a fucking dick, Adam Sessler.
People who live in fear of doomsday scenarios that could in no way be altered by human actions. Someone just sent me a video warning me to "get educated" about the OORT cloud of comets, because sooner or later, a shitload of comets are going to hit the earth and wipe out all life on the planet. Uhhh... WHY? While I always like learning new and interesting things, what could possibly be the reason to try to implant fear and dread in people about something that there is no possible way to stop, and might not even happen for millions or billions of years. Do you really think humanity has that long? And if the shit happens TOMORROW, what good would it do to worry about it? What are you going to DO about comets smashing into the earth and annihilating all life on the planet in a single day? Hint: that Bruce Willis movie was ridiculous, at best. "You should educate yourself!" Yeah? Well you should calm the fuck down and have a slice of pie, because pie is delicious, and maybe you won't be here tomorrow to have a slice, but you'll never know either way. I'm betting you will take the slice of pie, and tomorrow you'll be back to have another slice. Lots of people since the dawn of human history lived until their dying days, worried every day about the "imminent" end of civilization. What did they all have in common? They were all worried unnecessarily, and now they're dead, so who cares?
Retards who haven't figured out that a video camera is not a regular camera, who TURN THE CAMERA ON ITS SIDE to frame the picture in "portrait" rather than "landscape." Hey, dipshit, this isn't a paper picture that someone can turn in their hands, you are posting this shit on youtube, and nobody is TURNING THEIR MONITOR ON ITS SIDE to see your retarded video of your baby laughing.
People who marvel at the amazing idea of bomb disarming robots. Sure, using a robot to get rid of a bomb is better than losing a human life, but every time a five dollar bomb annihilates a two hundred thousand dollar robot, we still aren't really winning.
The screaming, raving preacher on the street outside my office says that if I don't believe in Jesus, there's something missing in my life, and you know what? He's right. There IS something missing from my life... Most notably missing is the urge to stand on a street corner for hours every day and abandon all self respect as I scream and rave about imaginary things and annoy the shit out of passers-by and people in nearby offices who are trying to concentrate on actual work.
On September 1st, the news broke that John McCain's vice presidential pick, Sarah Palin, had a 17 year old unwed daughter who was pregnant. It was the biggest news story of the day, drowning out such insignificant news as Hurricane Gustav. Of course, nearly everyone piped in on the news media that "Children are off limits. Palin's daughter's pregnancy should have no bearing whatsoever on how Palin's character or ability to lead are judged." A CNN poll was worded, "Should voters care that Gov. Sarah Palin's unwed daughter is pregnant?" Of course, the vast majority voted No. In fact, a few Republicans called the Democrats and media sexist for even mentioning it. You know, because no Republicans would ever stoop so low as to say anything sexist about Hillary Clinton or Nancy Pelosi.
And I fully agree that shit happens, and 17 year olds will occasionally ignore their parents' authority and fuck and get pregnant, and it's not the most conclusive way to judge the character of Sarah Palin, who, by the way, opposes ALL methods of birth control, including condoms, even for married couples. Surely this whole thing is completely out of her hands. And I also agree that voters should not be so focused on a candidate's spouse, children, or, even pastor. (Remember?) However, if this was the daughter of Barack Obama or Joe Biden, the Republicans would have taken it and used it as a sledgehammer to smash the Democratic campaign and demonstrate the egregious moral failings of liberals. It would be the key note of the ongoing Republican National Convention, and every speaker there would have alluded to it for a cheap laugh, and would have gotten nothing but cheers for doing so. If it was a Democrat, it would have cost them the election. Obama or Biden's illegitimate grandchild would have been their Donna Rice, their Willie Horton, their Swift Boat Veterans. But it's a Republican, so, c'mon, guys. Don't be so petty.
Oh, and a side note. The irony of this whole media blitz is hilariously hypocritical. The top story of the day on EVERY news media outlet in America: "Should the media be so focused on Bristol Palin's pregnancy? Well should it? Hey, let's talk about whether or not we should be focused on Bristol Palin's pregnancy, because I don't think we should be. What do YOU think about Bristol Palin's pregnancy? Do you think it's important? Here, take a poll about the importance of Bristol Palin's, daughter of vice presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, pregnancy. Oh, you don't think Bristol Palin's pregnancy is important? There you have it. Americans don't think Bristol Palin's pregnancy is important, or that it should be important. Bristol Palin is pregnant, by the way. She's Sarah Palin's daughter. But that's not important. It's totally unimportant and irrelevant... that Bristol Palin, the daughter of Sarah Palin, the republican vice presidential candidate, is pregnant... and unmarried. STOP PUNCHING YOURSELF! STOP PUNCHING YOURSELF!"
People who eat a hamburger or slice of pizza with a fork and knife.
Bands whose main purpose seems to be to get the word out. "Dude! Are you doing anything Tuesday? You should come see us play! I mean, I know we've been around for four years, and our play list has only grown by two songs in that period of time, and the two newer songs are covers, but dude! You should come check it out! Oh, and don't forget to check out our website. It has a blog where I tell you about upcoming shows and lots of links to where you can buy our music and merchandise. Oh, and there is a monthly video blog where I tell you about our creative process, and tell you about upcoming venues, but no music. Oh, and add me as a friend on Myspace, and subscribe to me on Youtube. If you do want to get video of us playing music, we have a DVD of us playing live, and it includes a video for one of our songs, shot entirely by me and my girlfriend without ever leaving the yard. Here, man! Take some stickers to, you know, spread the word!"
The most notable thing going on today is that the stock market is taking a beating following a run on a bank.
Front page headlines on cnn.com:
Lady finds snake in washing machine.
Which celebrity couples are the most green?
Check out our review of the new Batman movie!
What's the deal with Bret Favre?
On July 6th in a suburb of Atlanta, GA, a Pakistani man, Chaudhry Rashid, killed his 25 year old daughter by strangling her with an electrical cord because she refused to stay in an arranged marriage with a Pakistani man from Chicago. While the CNN and ABC articles did refer to the killing as an "Honor killing," the following words are ostensibly missing from both of their articles: Muslim, Islam, Islamic, Sharia, all of which are central to the concept of why this murder took place at all. Instead, the articles repeatedly tiptoe around the crux of the issue by referring to the incident as an act of domestic violence. While it is inargaubly that, it intentionally misses the point. Calling this simply an act of domestic violence would be like calling a nuclear bomb blast "unseasonably warm weather." Say what you will about my tolerance of different religions and cultures. If Mr. Rashid had been a Christian, Hindu, Jew, Bhuddist, Mormon, Taoist, etc, or, ideed, an atheist, Sandeela Kanwal would still be alive.
Radio stations where you have them on in the background, and then you realize the last song they played was "Freeze Frame" by the J. Giles band, and for at least the last ten minutes, they have played nothing but commercials, and you think, gee, is it really worth it to sit through ten minutes of the most annoying commercials on the planet, just so I can get to hear 'Hip to be Square' by Huey Lewis and the News? No. No it isn't.
Smarmy turds who say, "You know, diet sodas are actually much worse for your body than regular soda." Yeah, well, I'm sure soda in general is bad for your body, but this year I switched from regular soda to diet soda, and as a result, I dropped 25 pounds in five months, without altering anything else about my diet or level of exercise, and I'm sure that's really crappy for my body.
People who want to show you ultrasound pictures of their baby, or their sister's baby, or their wife's baby, and you haven't even met these people, and expect you to act excited. Look. I don't even want to see pictures of these kids running around Chuck E. Cheese's at their eighth birthday party, much less a blurry black and white blob of gibberish where you can sorta-kinda, if you squint, make out a hand or a head. Oh, wow. Maybe it's a leg... Or maybe it's your colon full of that Double Whopper with cheese you ate a few hours ago. I would be equally impressed to see a blurry black and white picture of either. When it's my baby, then yes, I will be happy to get visual confirmation that my son actually has a head, and only one head. When it's not my baby, it looks like every other ultrasound picture I've ever seen. How do I know you didn't just get that picture from Google Images? And what difference would it make to me if you did? "Wow... Your baby has some handsome JPG artifacts. Nice pixelation on that kid."
People who have a dumb milktoast concept of what it means to be "bad."
"Oh my god, I've been so naughty this week. I had not one, but TWO chocolate chip cookies after lunch!"
"Yeah, I was kinda naughty too. This morning I woke up on the floor of a public restroom stall, and I can't remember how I got there. I felt like shit, so I snorted some cocaine off the toilet seat for a little pick-me-up. Then I went outside and didn't see my car around, so I stole a car and went to see this guy who owes me money. He wasn't there, but his girlfriend was there giving me the run-around, so I head-butted her in the face and knocked her out and dug around her pockets and found her wallet with 250 bucks in it, plus an ATM card, and the stupid broad had written the pin number right on it, so I hit the ATM and took out a grand. Then I drove by this seedy neighborhood and picked up a couple of hookers and took em to this hotel and we all did a bunch of coke and fucked for a few hours with no protection. Then that guy kept calling my cell phone screaming about his girlfriend, and that shit got old, so I kicked the hookers out naked into the hotel hallway and drove back over to the guy's apartment and beat him bloody while his girlfriend just hid in the bathroom crying. So yeah, I was kinda bad today too."
"Oh, god! And did I tell you? I ate pizza today! God, my diet is so screwed!"
People who take on this air of superiority and act aloof about their jobs and try to push for more money because they "have other offers," and then end up never leaving because they're full of shit.
"What are you going to bring to the company picnic?"
"That's in what, two weeks? Pffft, right. Like I'll even be here by then. I'm about to blow this dump."
Three years later....
"Heh, this place can kiss my ass. I'm tellin' ya man, I am outta here."
Does the world really need another movie about a hot, prissy girl who falls in love with a hot urban guy while taking part in an over-the-top street dancing competition between rival break dancing gangs? Wait. Let me answer before you say something stupid. No. No it doesn't. (Insert "illegal auto street racing," "illegal underground martial arts tournament," etc. as applicable.)
Web filters at work that were apparently put into place completely arbitrarily by someone who didn't even look at the website.
I recently tried to view a website about Final Fantasy XI Online, and was met with the corporate "blocked site" page. On the page they show the corporate web usage policy and list the reason the website is blocked. "Reason: Hate and Racism. Your IP has been logged." What the fuck? So now H.R. Is going to see my name tossed into a list of people who were checking out pages for neonazi and white supremacist groups because I was looking for something about Final Fantasy?
"Please hold while the Nextel subscriber you are trying to reach is located... Please hold while the Nextel subscriber you are trying to reach is located... The Nextel subscriber you are trying to reach is currently unavailable." I mean, I'm no marketing expert, but maybe it's not the best idea to put your corporate branding on something that is directly indicative of how shitty and broken your service is. Oh, gee. Nextel is trying to locate them. Any other company's phone would be fucking ringing by now.
The fact that emails sent from my job are caught in the spam filters, but somehow "SexyGirl35681" who wants me to view her "private pictures" and "Karim al-Qusur" who claims that I "AM WIN CANADA LOTTERY" get through just fine.
People who are not actually participating in The Olympics, who act like The Olympics are of some vast importance. It's people playing sports, and most of these are sports that fucking nobody gives a flying fuck about except when they are in The Olympics. When was the last time you went to a bar and found the entire place fixated on the curling match on TV? When was the last time you hurried home from work so as not to miss the bobsled races or weightlifting competition on TV? That's right. Never. This year's summer Olympics are being held in China, amid tons of protest about China's human rights record. To the protesters I say, why protest now? Because of the Olympics? Who gives a shit? Why weren't you out protesting before? Oh, right. You get more visibility because of The Olympics.
On my way to work I saw people passing out religious pamphlets. This was nothing new, but the title of the pamphlet made me chuckle. "The Scam of Unbelief." Scam? Uhhh, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but there's no money that is inherently derived from not believing in fanciful things. So uhhh.... Where's the fucking scam? When was the last time a paleontologist said, "If you don't buy me a private jet, I can't do my work?" When was the last time a biochemist said, "No, the federal government can't see my financial records because they belong to God?" (Both of these claims were made by evangelist Kenneth Copeland). On the other hand, there's a shitload of free money to be made in religion. Religion is the greatest scam ever conceived, and I guess they don't like competition. It's the old "defense by accusation" ploy. Scam? Hah! "But, if people stop believing in God, who will pay for the gold leaf and jewels that we planned on buying to embellish this huge building that is a dwelling for nobody? And how are we going to afford our 200 acre mega-church complex? And how will we pay the legal fees to protect our army of kid-touchers from pedophila charges? And the Pope is getting bored of his solid gold jewel-encrusted scepter and wants a new one. Who's gonna pay for that if people start realizing we're full of shit? How will people be able to convince their relatives to murder their daughters for honor after they've been raped? Who will we get to blow themselves up on crowded busses if people start figuring out that there's no invisible man in the sky smiling down on their actions? Who will chop off their children's foreskins and clitorises when people realize that the real reason for their removal is to diminish sexual pleasure and that there is no supreme patriarch out there to be offended by sexual pleasure?"
Apple is at it again, trying to peddle their lack of innovation to their goofy, little, brainwashed appleheads as though they were amazing innovators. The second generation iPhone commercial begins, "What is 3G?" as though they fucking invented it. "It's the internet (dramatic pause) twice as fast. It's sending and receiving emails (dramatic pause) twice as fast. It's text messages (dramatic pause) twice as fast." Oh yeah... You get the internet twice as fast as the old iPhone. In other words, the iPhone is now finally on a network that is JUST AS FAST AS THE ONES USED BY EVERY OTHER CELL PHONE IN AMERICA! How about making a retroactive commercial for the generation one iPhone. "It's the internet... HALF AS FAST. It's emails and text messages... SLOW AS FUCK COMPARED TO ANY OTHER PHONE."
Cheese soup. Know what the difference is between cheese sauce and cheese soup? With cheese sauce, you are using cheese to flavor something that's less fatty than cheese. With cheese soup, you're drinking a much larger quantity of liquid cheese without all the fuss of chewing something else in the process, you fat fuck. Maybe I should just give you a jar of mayonnaise and a spoon and watch you go to town.
The myth of targeted advertising on the internet. Since my first Windows 95 baby steps on the internet, I have heard the nervousness, which varied in intensity from cautious and sober to tin-foil hat conspiracy theory paranoia, that unseen forces were floating around the internet, collecting a record of everything I look at, everything I write, everything I search for, all my associations, all my friends, all my political interests, all my private thoughts. These forces would then use this record against me in the form of (dastardly villain trumpet blare - picture the "Spanish Inquisition" sketch from Monty Python) TARGETED MARKETING!!!! Gasp! What an abridgement of my freedom! So... Annoying as it might be, where is it? I don't see them advertising electronic music, viral videos, stand up comedy, video games and porn to me, at least not to a greater extent than they advertise these things to anyone else in spam and banner ads. From what I can see, about the only thing they seem to know about me is that I am most likely male, and speak english. OH! And apparently, I own a computer. Let's see, what do I get advertised to me on a regular basis?
"Refinance your Mortgage!" Good research, retards, I have lived in apartments for nearly 9 years.
"Order discount prescription drugs from Canada!" Gee! Just what I need, considering I generally don't take any prescription medication and have no problem getting boners.
"Meet Christian singles in your area!" Wow! It's uncanny how you pinpointed the exact demographic that I totally have no urge to meet at all!
"I am Abdullah Izmir, and I need your help urgently in a private financial matter!" Sounds legit to me!
"Your Citibank account am be locked from access to you! Contact urgently!" Okay, Master of English grammar! I will hurry and contact you to reopen my nonexistent Citibank account.
"Why not enroll at the University of Phoenix, for a brighter future?" Sure, why wouldn't a 35 year old guy who has a middle class income in New York City enroll in classes at a college 2500 miles away?
"Refinance your student loan!" I don't have one, but hey, maybe you can loan me some money for the education I don't plan on getting in Phoenix!.
People who give you gift certificates that are too small to be useful at the store they are from without you spending more money. Oh, gee, thanks. A 10 dollar gift certificate for Best Buy. Now I can buy... Nothing.
"The miner owns three gold mines." Correct
"This is where he mines for gold." Correct
"Today, upon finding a large nugget, the miner said, 'This gold is mines!'" WRONG!.
People who in this age of caller ID think they can get away with the old "Call and hang up" bullshit. Congratulations. You just made a new friend. I have a long commute, a cell phone, and nothing to do on the way but call your dumb ass back 100 times.
People who go on Amazon and give "The God Delusion," "The End of Faith," "God is Not Great," "The God Who Wasn't There," and other atheistic books and videos 1 star reviews purely on the basis of, "GOD IS SO REAL! HOW COULD YOU EVEN SAY GOD ISN'T REAL? NO WAY IN HELL WOULD I EVER EVEN WATCH FIVE SECONDS OF THIS VIDEO, BUT I'M GOING TO GIVE IT A NEGATIVE REVIEW ANYWAY! YOU'RE GOING TO GO TO HELL!"
People who think they can just blurt out their CRAZY worldviews and think that nobody will call them out on how crazy they are. Recently I was talking to some friends about books and movies and we were all talking about stuff we liked. I mentioned George Orwell's "1984" and a few people in the group were like "Oh, yeah. That was a good one." This one guy blurted out, "Yeah, I can always enjoy a good book, even if it does rip on ultra-conservatism." Yes, he used the term "ultra." Usually the only people who prefix "conservatism" with "ultra" are liberals who want to point out how far to the right someone is, but this guy was casually referring to himself as an ultra-conservative. If what you get from 1984 is that it's a happy ending because the party smashed Winston Smith's mind and spirit until he submitted and conformed, and that this was a good thing for society, you're fucked up, and I will be the first to tell you. Like, as much as I disagree with run-of-the-mill conservatism, I can understand it, but to be an advocate of totalitarianism.... go fuck yourself.
Cults. This one seems to really speak for itself, but I think it goes a bit beyond the whole "Those people are KOOKS" factor. I tend to think in a rational way, for the most part, and this has led me to believe that the claims of religion tend to be highly suspect. There are things that people believe that are real, and there are things that people believe in that are not real, or at best, are highly improbable. A million people, or even billions of people, can believe in something and be wrong. Even if you are, for instance, a Christian, you can look at other belief systems and see the glaring flaws in logic and low degree of probability of their claims. However, on the other end of the "sanity in numbers" scale, there are beliefs that are held by very few people. If everyone who believes in something can fit in a single subway car, there's a very strong possibility that those people are crazy. Being in a minority is one thing, but how does someone get to the point where they can examine a belief, that is highly improbable at best, and held by only 200 people, or 50, or 20, and think, "Hmmmm.... You know... This guy Dave says he is the son of God, whose true name is Guadachungo, and he says that the best way to show appreciation to Guadachungo and to the Almighty Dave is to let my underage children engage in orgies with Dave and his 25 followers, and that once we all share the same blood, and we give all our money and property to Dave, he will receive a divine message from Guadachungo, and we will steal a school bus and ride it to a place far away in the desert, where we will all douse ourselves in gasoline and set ourselves and our children on fire to burn away the old bad skin of sinfulness away, and once we are pure, Guadachungo will arrive in his spaceship to take us to his home planet.... Yeah, that sounds reasonable."
Reason number 728 why America is fucked.
Who would win in a hypothetical presidential election?
Candidate 1: Has an IQ of 168. Highly educated in economics, cultures, history, political science and geography, and has spent time as a professor in most of these subjects. Previously held the office of Governor in a state whose economy, crime rate and educational system took a sharp turn for the better during his two term tenure. His reputation is that of a strong diplomat who has worked in the United Nations and already has a good rapport with the leaders of many countries which have a wide variety of styles of government, and economic, racial and religious backgrounds. He doesn't particularly like apprearing on television, and appears somewhat awkward and has a dry manner of speaking. His advisors are carefully chosen for their knowledge of world affairs, economics, history, and their ethics. Stated reason for running: Wants the US to be seen as a positive force around the world with a strong economy, reduced crime and with real opportunities for the working class. Has not publicly stated any religious affiliation, and says that his religious beliefs are a private matter, and should be considered irrelevant due to his qualifications to lead. Does not resort to mudslinging in his campaign, believing that his qualifications and well-known sense of ethics will ensure a win.
Candidate 2: Has an IQ of 115. Went to an expensive university and got a Bachelor of Arts degree with a C average. During his years at the university, he was known not for his academic achievements, but for his wild social life and popularity. Has been previously employed as a newscaster and sports reporter, and is comfortable and photogenic on television. Later he served one term as a senator with an unremarkable record. Most Americans would say of him, "He seems like the kind of guy I can relate to. He reminds me of my uncle, the kind of guy you would want to have a beer at a barbecue with." Frequently uses frat boy adjectives like "awesome" "killer" and "sweet." His advisors include mostly people who gave him a leg up politically in the past, an assortment of old friends, donors from previous campaigns, evangelical Christian clergy, college roommates and friends of his family. Stated reason for running: Believes that the US is a Christian nation and should return to more traditionally religious values. Says that God speaks to him and guides him, and despite having been married for 30 years, having two children and having served in the senate, claims that the most transformative moment of his life was becoming a Christian. Sees the US as far superior to all other nations, and believes that the way to keep it that way is to maintain its position as the world's only superpower, by whatever means necessary. Repeatedly implies that Candidate 1 is unpatriotic, cowardly, and is pandering to foreign countries, and is probably an Godless atheist, or worse, a radical muslim.
I just read an article on MSNBC about 17 girls, aged 15-16, who all became pregnant in one year at one particular high school. It turns out that they had all made a pact to get pregnant, and one of them, a 15 year old, was pregnant with the child of a 24 year old homeless guy. You, uh, fucked a hobo... specifically to get knocked up... at age 15... and now your baby has pedophiliac hobo genes. GOOD JOB, DUMBASS! I wish I could say, well at least the only life you're ruining is your own, but nope.
I'm in line behind this old woman at Wendy's, and she spends like five minutes ordering, asking what comes with what, and how much more it would be for this and that, then finally, when she's done ordering, the cashier tells her, "That will be $8.37," and she reaches in her pocket and pulls out a fucking fist full of change and dumps it all on the counter. She doesn't even count it or anything, and I swear there wasn't a single quarter in it. So then the cashier has to sift through this pile of mostly pennies and nickels to get the amount he needs. The correct response to having a five pound load of coins flopped on your counter isn't to count It, but to pick it up and throw it in her face as hard as you can.
Any service where you can sign up in a couple of minutes with nothing but a credit card and an urge do so, but you have to jump through a million hoops of flaming bullshit to cancel the service, and even when you're through, you wonder if you're really through, and you check your mailbox, email, credit card statement and bank account half expecting to see more charges.
Movies where the plot would completely grind to a halt if anyone acted the way real people really act.
Example:
Two guys who have never met previously meet in a bar and end up talking to each other for ten minutes about some generic conversational shit, then one of them says goodbye and leaves, and the other one sits there and orders another drink. Fast forward to the next day, or the next week or whatever. One of the guys is walking down the street at night to where he parked his car. As he puts his key in the door, he hears some scuffling in an alley across the street. From where he's standing, he can see that there is someone in the alley dragging something. The person in the alley looks over and they make eye contact. They both recognize each other from the bar the other night. The guy in the alley is dragging a dead man and is covered in blood. The guy calls to the guy with the car to come help him get rid of the body. In real life, the guy's response would be:
A.) Make a concerned face, then sigh, realizing that he must help the guy from the bar in getting rid of the dead body. He pulls the car up near the alley, pops the trunk, then spreads a tarp. He helps the guy from the bar lift the body into the trunk, and then they both drive out to the country and finally finish burying the body when it's almost dawn. He then drives the guy back to town, and they agree to keep in touch. He then drives home, and his girlfriend sees him covered in blood and dirt, and asks what happened, but he says not to worry about it, so, of course, she obediently doesn't ask any more questions, you know, like any normal girlfriend. In a few days, the police or the mob or whatever comes directly to the guy's door to ask if he has ever seen, they hold up a picture either of the dead guy or the bar guy, "this guy." He plays it cool and says he doesn't know anything, which is absurd considering how they knew exactly who to look for and where to find him. And the plot thickens...
B.) Immediately upon realizing that the guy is dragging a bloody dead body, he rips the car door open and gets the engine started as quickly as physically possible, then slams the gas and hauls ass out of there. When he gets some distance away and the initial panic begins to subside, he dials 911 on his cell phone and tells the police what he saw, but never looks back, and hopes the police didn't take down his phone number. He wonders what happened to the guy from the bar, but never actually finds out. He feels a bit unnerved that he shared a beer with a killer, and occasionally catches himself looking over his shoulder, but he never sees the guy again.
Celebrities who name their kids whatever the fuck they feel like. "The Edge," whose name I can't even bring myself to write without using quotation marks, the dumbass guitarist for the dumbass band U2, named his daughter Blue Angel, because I guess he digs air shows. Michael Hutchence, before he died of auto-erotic asphyxiation, which one of my friends referred to as "the Hutch Clutch," named his kid Heavenly Hiraana Tiger Lily. Nicholas Cage named his kid Kal-el, which is Superman's given name, you know, because he's not an earthling. Jermaine Jackson showed the limitations of the Jackson family's creative genes by naming his kid a fucking pun, Jermajesty. Bono, not wanting to be outshined in stupidity by his band mate, named his kid Memphis Eve. The dumbass rapper T.I., who, when he's not making utterly generic rap music or being arrested for trying to buy guns from federal agents or shooting every one of his videos with the camera staring up his flared nostrils, took a tip from Jermaine Jackson and named his kid Messiah Ya'majesty. Penn Gillette, the talking half of Penn and Teller, decided to name his kid Moxie Crimefighter. Jason Lee took one too many bumps on the head during his skateboarding career and named his kid Pilot Inspektor. Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid Apple. Sylvester Stallone named his kid Sage Moonblood. Of course, Michael Jackson named his kids Blanket and Prince Michael II, but since it's fucking Michael Jackson, naming his kids that bullshit is just about the most normal thing he's ever done.
"We're going to name our kid, "Kyd!" (David Duchovny)
"Uhhh, no sir. We're going to call child protective services to keep your new baby safe from your stupidity."
People who are so perplexed by atheists that they ask, "Well, aren't you afraid you're going to hell?" Uhhhh, a disbelief in hell is sort of par for the course for atheists. In fact there are many people who do believe in God, but not hell. It's like threatening me that if I don't believe in your pet pegasus, he will bite me. We have no fear of hell, and no fear of being bitten by a pegasus, on pretty much equal levels.
Summer snowmen. I understand that it's hot outside, and while I am boundlessly thankful for girls in little tank tops, it has to be understood that if you're a hefty girl who isn't comfortable until you cake yourself with enough baby powder to look like there was a disaster down at the chalk factory, maybe you need to upgrade to a tee-shirt. It's cleavage, not funnel cake.
I don't think of myself as homophobic, and I definitely don't think of myself as prudish, however, I can't help but feel like the guy sitting across from me in this crowded subway car, thumbing through a big, glossy magazine of graphic hardcore gay porn, with an expression on his face as though he's reading a newspaper, and with a total disregard for the people around him, is at least a tiny bit fucked up.
Girls on myspace who did a photo shoot for a local hair salon when they were 19, who are now 31 and haven't done any actual modeling jobs since the salon gig, and have never done any actual acting jobs, but list their occupation as "Model, actress" and are full of their own shit, and think they have a fan base because they have 300 myspace friends, and 95% of them are either bands that want exposure, or dumbass guys with "show your abs" pics, who send comments that say, "Yo girl U lookin good! Holla back!"
The fact that we live in a universe that is at least 93 billion light years across, and has existed in the form that we know it for at least 13.73 billion years, and is made up of an uncountable number of tiny particles that we only barely understand, and somewhere in this mess of vastness and things that we have only a flickery comprehension of is a galaxy that is one of perhaps hundreds of billions of galaxies, which is about 100,000 light years across, and home to at least 200 billion, and possibly as many as 400 billion stars, one of which, about 26,000 light years from the center of the galaxy, travelling in orbit around the center of the galaxy at 492,120 miles per hour, is a star which formed about 4.59 billion years ago when a hydrogen molecular cloud rapidly collapsed and the hydrogen began transforming into helium through constant nuclear fusion. And the various heavy elements within the cloud condensed to form a handful of planets, one of which possessed, against incalculable odds, the special chemistry which, somewhat recently, led to the formation of living things, and this planet revolves around its star at a speed of 66,420 miles per hour and spins at a speed of over 1000 miles an hour. And sometime very recently in the history of the universe, this planet produced its first species that had the mental capacity to begin contemplating all these things, and wondering at how everything came to be, and its purpose in the universe, and this species has only recently devised some meager means to begin untangling all these mysteries, which were utterly beyond the comprehension of any previous species on this rare planet. And this species, in only the past couple of hundred years, has expanded its knowledge and understanding of the universe many, many times over, and the more it learns, the more it realizes how much there is left to be learned, if in fact this species survives its own stupidity, which looms large over the frighteningly near horizon, threatening to destroy this species forever... and millions of these beings, most of which have a mere 70-something years to exist, can think of nothing more important or interesting to do with their brief time in the universe, than to sit, night after night, staring in rapt anticipation... to see which vacuous whore Bret Michaels would rather fuck.
People who, if something is cool, they hate it, and if something is really lame, you can almost be assured that they love it. Like, they love anything that sucks balls and hate anything that's good.
"So.... The New American Gladiartors."
"OH MY GOD! I can't believe they brought that back! I AM SO HAPPY!"
"Professional Wrestling."
"OH, DUDE! Don't even fuck with professional wrestling! I mean, if you saw the last Smackdown, you can't even tell me that shit wasn't fuckin' amazing!"
"The Departed."
"I don't get that shit, man. I mean, It's supposed to be like all bang bang shoot-em-up but they spent most of the movie like blah blah blah. People kept telling me it was gonna be good, but it's been a while since I saw a movie that bad."
"M. Night Shyalaman's 'The Village.'"
"OH MY GOD! That was one of the most amazing movies I have ever seen. I totally didn't see that twist coming! I mean, I thought these people were really living in the 1700's, scared of some creatures in the woods. And then it turns out that it's really modern day and the creatures were all bullshit? OH MY GOD! That took me totally by surprise! That has got to be the best acting and writing I have ever seen!"
"Pokemon."
"OH SHIT! Haha! I caught em all! That shit is AWWWWWWESOME!"
"Nine Inch Nails."
"Man, I can't get into that faggotty disco Bleep Bleep Bloop Bloop shit."
"Toby Keith."
"Fuckin' yeah, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout! Ain't nobody can write or sing as good as him, and he's really got his morals and priorities in the right place. I mean, The USA putting a boot in your ass... FUCK YEAH! WOOO!"
Pregnant celebrities. First, I want to start off by saying that there is plenty of real news happening in the world, so devoting all this time to keep everyone informed about who is knocked up is bullshit. But seriously, what is this shit? Has everyone in Hollywood become Mormon? It's like every woman who is over 15 years old and has made more than a buck fifty in Hollywood or the music industry has been pregnant in the last year. You know what's less sexy than being pregnant? Nothing. And don't give me that, "You're being misogynistic" shit. Women are beautiful. Pregnant women look like an alien seed pod with dark nipples. Seriously, I know you assholes can afford birth control. Use it.
People whose critique of a great movie or book doesn't get any more intelligent than, "It was too long." You know why "The Godfather" was that long? Because it had to be. The other thing that cracks me up are people who can't think of a better point to make in a debate other than "You use too many long words." I recently had a laugh posting a YouTube comment where I pointed out another instance of Dane Cook plagiarizing lesser known comedians, and got plenty of the usual, "Don't be a hater" "Go suck a dick, DANE RULEZ" bullshit, and one that made me me cackle. "no offense but you use 2 many large words!" The "large words" were "flagrantly" and "illustrious," by the way.
Automated customer support that doesn't help a fucking thing. So recently I bought an XBox 360, and a week after I bought it, the optical drive stopped being able to read discs. I checked the "support" area of the XBox page, and, as usual, they make you jump through hoops to get to the actual "email someone for help" link. The page was basically the usual "tech support for idiots" load of shit of the "make sure the machine is plugged in, make sure the machine is turned on" variety.
"Make sure the disc is not dirty or scratched."
It's brand new. Check.
"Make sure the disc is formatted for use in your region."
USA, Check.
"Turn the machine off, and then back on again and try again."
Check.
"Three or four more suggestions that Neg was too angry to remember."
Check.
"If these fixes do not remedy the problem, click here for technical support."
Subject: "Disc is Unreadable" Error
I purchased an XBox 360 one week ago, and the optical drive can no longer read any discs. I have tried game discs, DVD's and CD's, all brand new, free of dirt, smudges or stratches, and coded for use in the US, and the machine gives me the error, "Disc is Unreadable." I have tried restarting the machine, and this had no effect. What should I do?"
Subject: Re: "Disc is Unreadable" Error
Please follow these steps to correct this issue:
Make sure the disc is not dirty or scratched.
Make sure the disc is formatted for use in your region.
Turn the machine off, and then back on again and try again.
Three or four more suggestions that were exactly the same as the questions found on the "troubleshooting" page that Neg had to go through to even get to the tech support email link, and was even angrier to read again.
Thank you,
Jessica.
Yeah, whatever, "Jessica."
So, I opted for a non-technical solution. I returned the fucker to the store.
Morbidly obese girls who think that if you don't think they're sexy, your obviously some superficial asshole who would never date a girl unless she was anorexic and built like a coathanger. Uhhhh, there's a lot of grey area between Mo'nique and Kate Moss, and denial isn't endearing.
People who go on Amazon or other places where you rate videogames, who give a game a one star review because they didn't understand a core aspect of the game, like the idea of paying to connect to an mmorpg game, or needing to own the original game in order to play the expansion pack, when the requirements to play are posted all over the product.
"So I bought this piece of crap expansion for World of Whore-craft, (Get it? Because it rhymes with Warcraft? Holy fuck, I'm clever!) and like, you need to buy the original stupid game first! Like, they're intentionally ripping you off! I mean, I honestly expected that the full version plus the expansion would cost 20 bucks less than the full version by itself, because that makes sense! Oh, so then I buy the stupid original game, and then get this shit! They expect you to PAY a fee every month to play! I mean, what if I don't even want to play online? Oh, but gee, get this! This piece of shit doesn't even have a single player game! What a fucking load of bullshit! They want me to PAY to play with OTHER PEOPLE? Fuck that! Like I want to play with other people anyway! This game is 100% bullshit, and you are a sucker if you give them a dime! I wouldn't play it if they paid me!"
"They threw me under the bus." Seriously, this phrase needs to die. A couple of years ago I had never heard it, and now every time the laudromat loses your sock or someone doesn't like your tie or McDonalds puts a pickle on your plain cheeseburger, "THEY THREW ME UNDER THE BUS!" Aren't we being just a tiny bit melodramatic and overly sensitive? I mean, the desired impact of the phrase is in the imagery. Someone betrayed you and shoved you in the path of a speeding bus, where you were presumably dragged under the axle and scraped and crushed into a mess of bloody, shredded meat. Now, due to a couple of years of overuse, you assume that someone using this phrase was "mildly inconvenienced," or "miffed."
Last fall, I made a post ripping on supposed progressives who were following the Pied Piper named Ron Paul and being obnoxious about getting out the vote for this little stealth candidate turd. I just wanted to offer a little follow-up on that. In April, the US House of Representatives voted on a resolution to urge China's government to end its crackdown on nonviolent Tibetan protestors, to begin a dialogue with the Dalai Lama, to allow independent international journalists to have access to Tibet, and to release imprisoned nonviolent protestors, etc. This is not to say the US plans to force China to comply. The House voted 413 to 1 to pass the resolution (Currently there are 435 members in the House, so it can be assumed that there was broad bipartisan support.). Guess who the "1" was who voted against it.
Today I read an article that American schools were considering making 50% the lowest possible percentage you could make an F, so even if you skip an assignment completely, you don't get a 0%, you get a 50%. The reasoning? Well, if you get a 0%, you have to work really, really hard to get enough passing grades to bring your grade up to a passing level. In other words, we should make it easier to pass and graduate from high school without being able to find the United States on a globe, without knowing when America was settled, not knowing what the Declaration of Independence is, not knowing how to read and write without resorting to AOL-speak, and being completely baffled by math, physics, chemistry, biology, etc. "Uhhhh, the Periodic Table? PFFT! When I get my period is none of your fuckin' business, so you need to step off!" So, the solution to American students being too stupid to pass our dumbass watered-down educational system is to make it EVEN EASIER. I'm sure the rest of the world is cheering us on. "YES, YES! MAKE AMERICAN STUDENTS EVEN DUMBER! WE WANT THEIR JOBS!" Every country in the world wants to be as successful in the 21st century as the US was in the 20th. Should we just fucking hand it to them as we decay into the next member of the Third World?
The conservative concept that there is an infinite amount of wealth, and the only reason everyone isn't a mulit-billionaire is because they don't try hard enough, and if you're not lucky enough to be born male to a white, rich, American family who gave you a boatload of trust funds and an inheritance that is many times what an average person makes in a lifetime, or if your parents were too cheap to pay for an Ivy League education, well, PFFFT, that's YOUR problem. Oh, you mean to tell me you don't have hundreds of thousands of dollars of disposable income to take a chance on high-risk / high-yield stocks? HAH! That's YOUR fault. Fuck you, little people.
Speaking of retarded stoner humor, this retard at the gorcery store this morning was wearing an ever-so clever parody t-shirt with a picture of a fat, squinty-eyed Pikachu wearing a t-shirt with a pot leaf on it, with the caption, "Toke-e-Mon, Gotta Smoke Em All!" Oh, I might have forgotten to mention, he was shopping with his 6 year old daughter.
Retards who can't smile without biting the end of their tongues. Is that supposed to be cute? "Oh, that's a funny joke! A-th-th-th-th-th-th!"
People for whom getting in a bar fight, being restrained by security, dealing with police, being arrested and taken to jail for a day or two, eating jail food, taking communal showers, shitting in front of 20 other people, and being released with orders to report to court are all normal parts of an average weekend and nothing to worry too much about.
I always thought the perfect way to tell if I was getting old is when the music that young people think is awesome and becomes massively popular is the most stupid and irritating sound imaginable to me. That's bad news for me, because it apparently means I've been old since around age 14.
Parents who think their 35 year old child would be completely fucked if they weren't there to provide an endless stream of advice and suggestions about life decisions.
35 year olds whose lives would fall apart without a constant stream of parental guidance.
Ferrets.
Rarely will I single out a particular animal to hate, as I tend to see the natural benefits that certain adaptations in animal behavior or physiology would benefit the animal from an evolutionary standpoint, which tends to make most animals, at the very least, interesting. Even animals which seem to be pretty dumb can be interesting from the standpoint of biology. But seriously, ferrets are the most useless animals on the planet. Granted, guinea pigs are easily as dumb as ferrets, but they at least have the benefit of not being a wiggly, hyperactive slinky that bites, plus they have that adorable little squeak noise that basically serves as a beacon to predators, saying, "Hey, predators! Here I am! I'm a dumb, slow moving nugget of meat waiting to be snatched up and devoured!" A ferret is what happens when you remove the brain and spine from a cat, and then give it angel dust. It's as though they live their lives in a state of trying to be as annoying as possible. They can't even run like a normal animal. They kind of turn sideways and slink along with their back arched up and their back feet out of alignment with their front feet. Another thing I find interesting is that about 90% of the people who own ferrets are Wiccans. I attribute this to a need to have an animal around them which is actually dumber than them, in which case a dog would not fit the bill. If a wiccan had a dog, they would end up being the dog's pet. "Ah, but Nichodemus here is my familiar!" Congratulations. You have a spiritual link to the animal equivalent of silly string.
Then there's the fact that they have a skunky odor. As if it wasn't bad enough being nature's retard, they have BO to boot. I had a friend that had one that would chew on the cables that connected his VCR and DVD player to his TV. Not wanting to see the inevitable outcome of this, he decided to "train" the ferret not to do it. The ferret would go for the cables, and he would pick up the ferret, and move it away from the spot, turning it so it faced away from the TV. As soon as the creature's feet hit the ground, it would make an immediate B-line back to the cables. He snatched up the ferret again, and again the ferret ran straight back to the cables. It stopped being funny after about the 25th time. Even the dumbest cat or puppy would figure out that their master was trying to convey a message after being yanked away from doing something annoying and destructive a few times, but not a ferret. The ferret can only think, "DUHRR! CABLES, HAHAHAHA! DOIIII!" A fish has a greater learning capacity. Then there's the annoying no spine thing. If you pick up a ferret, and snap someone with it like a wet towel, the ferret is still thinking, "DUHRRR!! VIDEO CABLES! YAY! WHEEE!" My friend had a cage for the ferret, and he bought this sort of mulch for the bottom of the cage. The bag said, "Ferret litter." What it didn't say was that this was a verb. Any time the ferret was in the cage, its primary interest was to get as much of the litter out of the cage as possible. Sticking to character, it did this with an annoying scratching sound. My friend would call out, "TSST! HEY! STOP THAT! NO! TSST TSST TSST!" which, of course, the ferret seemed not to even notice. "YAY! LITTER! WHEE!!!" *fling fling*
Amazing bands that release a 7 song EP of mind-blowingly great and earthshatteringly unique music who then say, "Fuck it," and disappear.
Shitty bands who keep playing shitty shows and releasing new, shitty albums for thirty shitty years.
Employees who don't get the concept of VIP clients.
"See that guy over there? That's Mr. Johnston. Take very good care of him."
"Sure."
"No, like, REALLY."
"What? He's just a guy. He puts on his pants one leg at a time, just like everyone else."
"Yes, but he's my boss's boss's boss's boss, and once his pants are on, he can stamp on all our balls and then kick us all straight into an unemployment line on a whim, and I've seen him do worse for much less than getting mediocre service."
"Yeah, whatever. I'll take care of him. Pfft."
People who don't smoke pot who think that the only people who smoke pot are the very worst fringe of society, the Ted Bundys of the world. These are the people who heard that Bill Clinton tried pot in college and thought, "Well shit! I can't vote for that guy! No doubt the pot damaged his brain! What happens if there's a crisis? We can't have a president who will just sit there drooling like a retard!" Here's a tip, you disconnected assholes. Unless you have spent your entire life confined to a secluded religious cult compound on the outskirts of Salt Lake City, most of the people over age 16 you have met have tried pot. And if you did grow up in some weird religious compound, you should really give drugs a try.
People who smoke pot who assume that everyone smokes pot, and that everyone they meet will relate to, and be thrilled to hear their stoner humor and anecdotes about getting high, and won't think they're a retarded pothead.
"Dude! You know what today is? Haw haw haw!"
"Uhhh, Wednesday?"
"Nah, man, the date!"
"It's uhhhh... Is it the 21st?"
"Nah, man! It's the 20th! Hah!"
"... Uhhhh... And?"
"April 20, dude! Yeah!"
"... Is it your birthday or something?"
"No, dude! 420! Hah-haaah! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!"
"... Did you get your tax refund check or something?"
Fat comedians whose entire routine is about them being fat.
"Hey, everyone! It's great to be here! As you can see, I'm really, really fat!"
10 minutes later...
"So I was shopping for a car, and the dealer kept trying to sell me a Mini Cooper. Can you picture me in a Mini Cooper? It would look like a bumper car!"
10 minutes later...
"So I went to this all-you-can eat buffet, and you could see the look of fear on the guy's face."
10 minutes later...
"So I was dating this girl. I haven't seen her in a while though. Either she left me without saying a word, or she's stuck in between my rolls of back cleavage like a remote control between the couch cushions!"
10 minutes later...
"As you can imagine, I'm not a very successful triathlete."
10 minutes later...
"Boy, I sure am fat! Goodnight, folks! You guys have been great!"
Comedians who are really fat who make no reference to their weight at all, like we can't see it and it has no impact on your life. Yeah, sure, tell us jokes about your girlfriend. Tell us jokes about the rude cashier. Tell us jokes about airports. Sure.... uh-huh.... Way to ignore the elephant in the living room. No, really. You are an elephant, and I'm watching you in my living room.
People whose Myspace page is almost completely focused on, "Yo, fuck all you haters! I am who I am, and if you don't like it, you can kiss my ass!" You know, as much as I flap my mouth, and as much as I express opinions that are probably only held by me and four other people, two of which are on medication so they stop having such opinions, I almost never get negative messages on Myspace. So I have to assume that you are probably getting mean messages because you're such a giant douchebag that otherwise mild-mannered people can't resist voicing their disgust at your very existence. Like, there must be some sort of primal instinct at work here. *Click....* "Doot-dee-doo..." *Click...* "Ho-Hum..." *Click* "AAAGH!" (Guy punches his computer monitor as hard as he can) "WHAT THE FUCK! GOD! I HATE THAT GUY!" It's maybe not a coincidence that almost everyone who has this as the central message of their page is either a morbidly obese girl turning her giant ass towards the camera in a slutty, skin-tight tube dress that is barely long enough to cover her ass, or a sixteen year old white boy with a shitty little patchy peachfuzz Ja Rule mustache who looks like he's trying really hard to look like a member of Icy Hott Stuntaz. I found this image today on some retard's myspace page and it made me cackle. The horrible editing flaws have been preserved to give you the full effect. Very classy.
.
People who claim to have arrived at their religious faith through scientific inquiry. "I think in a scientific, skeptical way, and if you tell me something, I need to see some sort of irrefutable evidence before I believe it. Well, if you walk down the street, you see buildings, and you know that even if you didn't see them being built, they had to be built BY someone. So where did life come from? Obviously, like the buildings, someone had to CAUSE life, and that's where God comes in." OH BOY, you sure gave that a lot of scientific thought, fuckwit. Let's see, I like hamburgers, but also I like pizza, therefore pizza was invented by Mayor McCheese. It's the only possible rational explanation. Gee, maybe buildings don't build themselves, because buildings are not organisms. Maybe when you have buildings that have DNA and reproduce, and gather and consume sources of energy for themselves and maybe eat things and have to avoid being eaten, and need to solve problems for themselves, maybe then we will have buildings that evolve over generations so they are more suited to their environments, but until then, it would be unfair to say it's like comparing apples to oranges, because APPLES and ORANGES are both at least PARTS OF ORGANISMS. It's more like comparing apples to carbeurators. As for "arriving" at creationism through science, you're full of shit, because there is absolutely no evidence for it. Here's a tip, mister scientist. In science, you need evidence. A guessed solution to a problem without an obvious answer is not evidence. By the way, there is a much more obvious solution, for which there IS evidence, and your denial of this evidence just shows how unscientific your thinking is.
While there are a ton of movies with flawed science, the ones that really piss me off are movies where the central plot is completely dependent on the audience being completely ignorant of extremely basic scientific facts that you would fail elementary school science classes if you didn't know. The average third grader could watch "The Core," and say, "Uhhhh... This is bullshit."
"Welcome to our company's annoying-as-fuck phone menu, where you may speak your choices. Please select from the following options. Track a package, request an invoice, speak to a sales person, or speak to a customer service representative...."
"Track a package."
"Did you say 'Hamster Fish?'"
"No."
*Click-a-click-a-click* "Wecome to the main menu. Please select from the following options. Track a package, request an invoice, speak to a sales person, or speak to a customer service representative...."
"TRACK... A... PACKAGE...."
"Did you say 'Meatberry Cloud Guitar?'"
"NO."
*Click-a-click-a-click* "Wecome to the main menu. Please select from the following---"
"FUCK!"
"Did you say 'Minnesota?'"
"NO!"
*Click-a-click-a-click* "Wecome to the main menu. Please select from the following options. Track a package, request an invoice, speak to a sales person, or speak to a customer service representative...."
"TRACK..... A..... PACKAGE...."
"Did you say 'Algebra Muffin Soup'"
"FUCK!" *click*
People who will never let you finish your extremely interesting anecdote because the first moment you take a breath, they will interject and interrupt you with their own dumbass, mundane anecdote, because they're narcissistic fucktards who are in love with the sound of their own voices.
"And then the CIA agents strapped me to the chair and stuck me with a huge syringe in my neck, and then-"
"Oh my god! Dude! The other day we were at the mall, and you remember that chick Jenny who was dating Mark? She was with Dave, and man, she must have gained at least 10 pounds over the winter!"
All those lame viral videos of people playing ultra-corny songs on orchestral instruments. Oh boy! Guys on cellos playing "The Final Countdown." That was almost as funny as those guys on cellos playing "Barbie Girl." Surely much, much more hilarity awaits us in the future. I can hardly wait for videos of guys on cellos playing "Der Kommissar," "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go," and Van Halen's "Jump," because that would be amazingly clever, original and ironic.
The recent hilarious shift in anti-drug ads. They have finally realized that only a fairly small number of teenagers are dumb enough to dabble in drugs like crystal meth and crack, and stick mostly to drugs like pot, LSD, ecstasy, etc. and hence, statistically, will almost definitely not end up as pregnant, scab-covered, HIV positive meth whores who live with hobos who put cigarettes out on on their faces and sleep in an alley on a soggy piece of cardboard in a puddle within three months of trying drugs for the first time, and they have finally realized that most teens are too smart to buy that "gateway drug" bullshit, and it annoys them to no end that teens can go to school, smoke some pot afterwards, have fun, and then show up on time, and perfectly healthy, to school the next day.
So how have they changed their ads? "Hey, kids! Don't submit to peer pressure! Instead, submit to peer pressure! Instead of your friends thinking you're a pussy for not trying drugs, now in opposite land, your friends think you're a douche for trying drugs!" They finally realized that kids value their friends' opinions, and that not all teens have friends who are just assholes trying to get them to do stupid shit and ruin their lives. Yes, kids value their friends' opinions, often more than the opinions of their square-as-fuck parents. Fucking farout. There is nothing more hilarious than a pencil-necked, upper-middle class advertisement writer trying to relate to modern teenagers.
A teenage guy who looks exactly like an extra from Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" video walks up to his friend, who looks like an Eagle Scout, in the hallway of a high-school.
"Hay, dude! I sure had fun last night! I was so high from smoking that marijuana cigarette that I do not remember what happened. You know, because you can black out from smoking pot."
"Don't you remember anything?" His friend looks annoyed.
"No, man, like I said, I was too busy being high to remember ANYTHING!"
"Have you looked at the internet?"
"Oh, dude! The internet! What did it do?"
"Look over there! Those fellow teenagers are using their cellular phones to look at the bad and embarrassing thing you did on the internet!" The camera shifts focus to show a dozen teenagers in the background looking at the guy, then at their cell phones, then giggling.
"Oh man! How was I to know that the internet would see me doing something bad and embarrassing? I was too high from drugs! What if my girlfriend sees it?"
The girlfriend, who also looks like a Young Republican, and better looking than he could probably realistically get, walks up. "I am breaking up with you, druggie! And don't try to send me a text message on your cellular phone either!" She then walks off in a huff before the guy can say anything.
"Oh no! Dude! What will I do now?"
"Don't ask me, druggie. I am not your friend anymore." He coldly walks away.
"No, dude! C'mon! I couldn't help it! I was high on the internet! I mean pot joint!!"
The camera shifts focus again to the kids looking at their cell phones and laughing, to reinforce that now that he's branded as a druggie, he has nowhere to turn, and that his life in highschool is utterly ruined. The camera shifts back to him, as he makes a face of such utter embarassment, it's as though he was caught fucking a goat and then the act was broadcast live on the jumbotron at the Super Bowl halftime show.
Prudish passive-aggressive assholes who try to take all the wind out of a really good dirty joke by saying, "I don't get it," as though they didn't hear the same perfectly coherent filth that everyone else is laughing at.
Rally retards. People who stand for causes that I support, who speak out publicly and try to look intelligent by using "advanced" vocabulary words, but butcher them and make the whole movement look stupid. Like the news will be covering an anti-war protest, and of course, they single out the one guy who is yelling the loudest to interview. He's full of passion and emotion, but mostly full of his own shit. "We need to communify to the so-called President that we are not going to stand idly by while American troops are in harm's way! This is not negotiatable! We need to find a way to facilify a expeditious withdrawal before we're quagmired in a quagmire! It's impossible to quantate-ify how much irrepair-ible damage Bush has did to this country. I mean, ever since 9/11, Bush has exploitated the situation, and has gave us a belligerous reputation around the world!"
Bands that have very extensive discographies spanning many years and eight to twelve albums that are indistinguishable from each other.
Christians whose understanding of stem cell research is that immoral, unwed sluts who engage in premarital sex and have a total disregard for decency, and have abortions just for kicks about as often as they buy new shoes, as their preferred method of birth control, abort their third trimester babies for money (which they probably spend on drugs), and these babies are then vivisected by soulless scientists, who root through their bodies in search of certain, special cells, as the living babies writhe and scream in pain, and are then thrown, still half-alive, into trashcans. And then these cells are used to make headless human clones, which are harvested for organs.
Of course, if you asked any of these ignoramuses if they knew what a blastocyst was, they would think you were trying to change the subject.
The fact that every time I see Ann Coulter, she's wearing a tank top, strappy dress, or something else designed to show off her neck and shoulders, which sucks because she's built like that screaming guy from Aphex Twin's "Come to Daddy" video.
The recent dumbass trend of using vague "teaser" ads and viral marketing for EVERYTHING. You see a bus drive by. On the side is an ad that is a blank white block that extends the length of the bus, with lower case text that says, "the revolution is coming." There is no mention of what the fuck this actually means, or even what company it's for. Maybe you can figure it out if you carefully examine the tiny copyright information, but the obvious intent is to make you wonder what the fuck it's about. You get on the subway and see another ad, again, all white with lower case text: "are you ready for the revolution?" As you walk down the street, you see stickers on lamp posts and newspaper vending machines that say "viva la revolucion." You turn on the TV, and every commercial break has an ad for it, "are you ready? the revolution is coming april 11th."
And so, April 11th comes, and now the ads on TV and posters are flashy and brightly colored. "THE REVOLUTION HAS ARRIVED! For a limited time, get a FREE small coffee with any Ihop breakfast platter! VIVA LA COFFEE REVOLUCION! AT IHOP!" What? Are you fucking kidding me? Who gives a shit? Fuck you!
Guys who wake up, take a shower, drench themselves in cologne and put on clothes that they think will get them laid, leave the house, try to get laid on the walk to the bus stop, try to get laid by hitting on multiple girls at the bus stop, then get on the bus and try to get laid on the bus. Then they get off the bus, and try to get laid on the one block walk to the subway, then they try to get laid on the subway platform, and then try to get laid on the train. Then they get off the train, and try to get laid on the way to Starbucks, then try to get laid at Starbucks. Then they leave Starbucks and try to get laid on the four block walk to work, then arrive at work and try to get laid. For lunch, they hit the company cafeteria, where they try to get laid, then try to get laid in the elevator on the way back to the office, where they try to get laid. Then they leave work, once again trying to get laid in the elevator on the way down, then try to get laid in the lobby. They walk to the train, trying multiple times to get laid on the way, then try to get laid on the train and bus rides home. On the way home, they stop at Burger King, where they try to get laid. Then they head home, where they take another shower, then drench themselves in cologne again, put on more flamoyant clothes that they think will get them laid, then head out to a bar to try to get laid. On the way to the bar, they don't waste a moment, and spend the entire transit time trying to get laid. Once they get to the bar, of course, they try to get laid, even while waiting in line to get in. Once they get in, they try to get laid, as they consume nearly enough alcohol to go into a coma. They even pester the shit out of the marginally attractive girl bartender, who no doubt fends off advances from hundreds of drunk, horny losers a day. Eventually, they figure out that they aren't getting laid in this bar, so they head to another bar, of course, trying to get laid en route. Then they get to the other bar, where they try to get laid. At this point they're so trashed that even the most vile, undersexed swamp monsters in the place won't talk to them, so they decide to call it a night. They get a cab, and yell out the window at girls on the street to try to get laid. If the cab driver is a woman, they will try to get laid with the cab driver, regardless of her attractiveness, age or weight. The cab drops them off in front of a convenient store a few blocks from their apartment, where they buy cigarettes and try to get laid. They get home and immediately turn on the computer to try to get laid on Myspace and Facebook by sending a whole shitload of girls messages that include a dumbass picture of them trying to look thuggish and pulling their shirt up to show their abs, shot with a digital camera in a bathroom mirror. Then they feel their first pang of shame for the day as they jerk off, because they feel like jerking off is for faggot pussies who can't get laid, and handling your own penis is kinda gay, but the shame is short-lived, as they drift to sleep, reeking of stale cologne, cigarettes, alcohol and sweat, with a twinge of optimism, because tomorrow is a new day, and hey, they might get laid.
The fact that if you're at the bottom of the corporate ladder and show up for work without shaving 30 minutes late a couple of times, you're told to get the fuck out, you're fired! You get nothing! In fact, security will escort you out and we will mail you your personal effects from your desk. YOU MAKE ME SICK! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE! But if you're at the top of the corporate ladder and you get busted using company funds to pay for a mansion where you snort cocaine off the asshole of a thousand dollar an hour hooker as you make such horrible business blunders that the company's stock drops like a stone and costs the shareholders billions of dollars, you are politely asked to step down, but will retain a position on the advisory board, and will keep your personal assistant and driver, and will still have a nice office on the executive floor, and will receive a severance package worth three years pay and stock options, with a total value of about 80 million dollars, which will no doubt only increase by leaps and bounds as someone more competent than yourself takes the reigns and the stock recovers.
Old people and hicks who are still, after all these years, shocked, horrified and pissed off because, "I went to the mall today and there was this girl who had a blue streak in her hair. Like, she dyed part of her hair BLUE! Does she think that's attractive? Oh my God, I couldn't believe it!"
If you tell me that you believe that there is a 10 foot tall invisible minotaur named Hector living in your apartment who travels to the planet Gribuglox every night and brings back with him a large syringe containing millions of microscopic yellow people, which he injects into your bladder as you sleep, and every morning you pee these little people into the toilet, where they travel to the sewer, where trillions of them have gathered underground and are plotting a takeover of the planet, and I ask you why you would believe this ridiculous shit, or what evidence you have of your claims, I'm apparently right to ask, because you're fucking psychotic, but if you tell me that you believe that an invisible man in the sky, who can do anything and knows everything, created the entire universe in 6 days and made the first human out of dirt, and later caused a virgin to give birth to the invisible man's son so that he could be killed, and then resurrected, thus redeeming all humans who accept that he now exists in the form of crackers and wine, from the inherited, and previously unforgivable, blame for the dirt man eating the wrong fruit, so that people can live forever in peace and bliss, as long as they follow this big list of rules and rituals, rather than be condemned to eternal torture, and that the invisible man is at the same time one person and three people, and if I demand the same rationalization as I would for the no more improbable space travelling minotaur, I'm an intolerant bigot who doesn't respect other people's beliefs.
The day after "No Country for Old Men" won its much-deserved Oscar for best picture, I saw a bunch of editorials that were whining about how all of the movies that were nominated for big awards are movies that nobody even goes to see. Well, gee. That might have something to do with the fact that the highest grossing movies of 2007 are all dogshit. Oh, should they have given best picture to "Spiderman 3?" Maybe "Shrek the Third," "Transformers," "Pirates of the Caribbean 3," "Harry Potter 5," or fucking "Alvin and the Chipmunks?" How about "Wild Hogs" or "Rush Hour 3?" All of those grossed much, much higher than any of the nominees. Why? Because Americans have shitty taste in everything. Americans wake up, drive to work while listening to the Bob and Tom show while eating an Egg McMuffin, listen to Rihanna, Linkin Park, Fergie, Nickelback, Kanye West, and Daughtry, read (if they actually read) Harry Potter and Grisham, buy their clothes at Abercrombie and Fitch, Hollister or fucking Walmart, and then go home and watch "American Idol," "Dancing with the Stars," "Survivor," and the "Oprah Winfrey Show." The reason the best movies aren't blockbusters is because Americans have horrible taste. I've realized for a long time that a very effective way of guaging how stupid something is is seeing how popular it becomes in America. Gee, I'm so sorry they gave oscars to movies that are actually good. Maybe you misunderstood the concept of giving awards to things that aren't stupid. I can see where awards shows like the Grammys might confuse you. You can happily sit through the worst dogshit day and night, but when someone wants to put a movie or music album in front of you that has actual substance, you recoil in disgust. It's like you want to eat nothing but Hohos for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You know, an occasional apple wouldn't fucking kill you.
People who post and email clever little "factoids" that are of extremely dubious credibility as though the fact that someone forwarded an email to them, and they forwarded it to me makes it 100% true. "Did you know that brushing your hair while chewing gum for one minute burns 880 calories?" Really? Because running on an elliptical machine as fast as I can for a half an hour until I'm pouring sweat and feel like I'm going to die burns about 90.
People who see that you got a haircut or a new suit or something, and know that you look good, but it would fucking kill them to actually pay you a compliment, so they qualify it with a thinly veiled insult. Like normally you look like a pile of dogshit, but today you actually kind of pulled it off. "Boy, Dave cleans up nice, huh?!"
People who think the most beautiful, exciting, awe-inspiring, exquisite thing ever made by human hands is the F-15 fighter jet.
Fundamentalist Christians who try to explain away discrepancies and impossible scenarios in the Bible by twisting the meaning of what the Bible says.
"Well, when it says the Bible says the Earth was created in six days, God could have made those days millions of years long if he wanted to. So like, the first six days could have been 500 million years long, or whatever." Oh wait, let me check the Bible to see where it said that. Oh wait. I see. You just made it up.
Here's one I found particularly amusing that I read on a creationist website.
"When it says that God brought all the animals before Adam to name them, of course it wouldn't make sense for Adam to name thousands of animals per second for 24 hours solid, so some Biblical scholars concluded that this probably only referred to his livestock and other animals that lived near him, a few hundred animals at most. 'All' does not necessarily mean 'each and every.'" Ummm... THAT IS THE FUCKING DEFINITION OF "ALL," FUCKTARDS! "All" doesn't mean "some," idiots. There is no other way to interpret "all" except as "every fucking one." If I walk into a room with a hundred people in it, and say, "I am going to give you all a red tee shirt with a picture of Ernest Borgnine giving a thumbs up sign with the caption 'Fuck you'," I had better have at least a hundred red tee shirts, or I'm a liar, and fucking nobody is going to buy some bullshit story about how "all" can have different definitions. (Oh, and please, someone make this shirt so I can buy one.)
Look, the only reason to believe in ridiculous shit like creationism is if you believe every word of the Bible. If the only way you can believe every word of the Bible is to twist the meaning of "All," to mean anything other than "All," you're full of shit, and aren't even a fundamentalist anyway, which negates any reason to believe in the fanciful fairy tale accounts of the history of the universe. It isn't bad enough that I live among people who believe dinosaurs never existed, but I have to live among retards who think "All" doesn't mean "All," too?
Those weird moods I get in when I go through Netflix and start checking "Add to queue" willy-nilly, then, a few weeks later, when I've forgotten all about it, I check my mailbox and think, "What the fuck? 'The Postman' with Kevin Costner? WHY?"
Hey, y'all. My name is Skeeter McCray. I live in Paintsville,KY, and ain't never been no more than ten miles away from the place where I was born to my 16 year old parents who were first cousins, and I ain't got no desire to go nowhere, neither, on account of city folk are all either faggots or jews, or faggot jews, and all foreigners are communists. I ain't never went to school since third grade, and that don't hurt me none, because all them people who done stayed in school think they're all high and mighty, and most of em are damn liberals, any-hoo. Besides, ain't nothin' I need to know that ain't in the Bible, which, o'course, I ain't never read, on account of I cain't read, but it don't matter none, because I love Jesus with all my heart, and know that he hates blacks and liberals and faggots as much as I do. A pretty good summary of my knowledge of history is that God created the earth in a week, about 6000 years ago, then Jesus showed up and made a flood that killed all the Moslims, and that the South shall rise again, and that we won the Vietnam War against Hitler. The only thing that comes a close second to how much I love Jesus is how much I love my guns, and I'll be goddamned if any commie liberal is gonna take them away. Of course, I always say my guns is for huntin', but y'all know that I'm just itchin' for some minority to step on my lawn so I can blow him away and claim self defense. I don't know nothin' 'bout the news, 'cept that it's borin', that all liberals are pussy Anti-American commies what want to destroy America, and that if something comes out of the mouth of Bill O'Reilly, it's as true as if Jesus hisself said it. Now, I know that all y'all people what graduated from some high-falootin' university or get yer news from the Guardian UK are probably thinkin' "Dang! This som'bitch is fuggin' ignorant," but you know what? I don't give a shit. You know why? Because I ain't got nothin' to do all day but whittle, shoot squirrels from my front porch, beat my wife and VOTE. That's right, I vote in every election, whether it's to stick creationists on the school board or racists on the city council or to keep a black man from bein' the president. And y'all know what's the funnest part? My vote counts as much as yours. That's right! Y'all might have more degrees than I have teeth, but my vote will always be there to cancel out y'all's vote, so stick that in yer pipe and smoke it, Mister "I got my PHD at Columbia University in political science!" And let's be honest fer a second. Y'all don't actually vote in every election, or maybe not at all, right? HAW! That's what I thought. Well, y'all can just sit back 'n' watch, and me and people like me will be tickled pink to shape public policy. Y'all know that there's a lot more of us than there are of you, and by God, WE VOTE!
Retards who derail meaningful discussions because they don't believe in FACTS, and want people to not talk about ideas that presuppose these facts are true, but instead, to try to prove to them that these facts are true, which is of course futile, because the person believes in something stupid like faith over facts, and regardless of how much irrefutable proof you shove in their face, they will retort with something that could easily be equated to "LAA LAA LAA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
Guy 1: "So some scientists are saying that many dinosaurs that were once thought to be reptilian, might have actually been more birdlike, and maybe even had some feathers and might have been warm-blooded."
Guy 2: "Oh yeah, I was reading about that the other day. It was really interesting when they pointed out the forelimb bones that had the little notches in them like modern birds have that cradle the ends of pinion feathers."
Guy 3: "Pffff! So let me get this straight. You think there were big scary creatures called dinosaurs that were on the earth millions of years before people? HAH! That would be kind of tough, considering the Bible says that humans arrived on the sixth day of the entire universe. How do you explain that, dumbass?"
Just shut the fuck up, retard.
Hicks from some backwater hole in Appalachia where the whole town consists of four mobile homes, a gas station, and a couple of old broken washing machines, one of which now serves as a doghouse, who, when they hear that you want to travel to London (or insert New York, Paris, Munich, Tokyo, or anywhere else that's farther away and more interesting than Ed's Used Tires), their initial reaction is, "What the fuck you wanna go there for?" Oh yeah, and leave ALL THIS?
Dumbasses who lie to you to your face in a way that you are absolutely certain to discover they are lying very quickly and easily.
I see one of my employees in his street clothes clocking out about 45 minutes early. I ask him why he is leaving early. "Oh, I told Scott that I was done with my work and had some things to take care of at home and he said it was ok if I left early." I didn't want to step on the other manager's toes, so I let him go.
A few minutes later, I pass Scott in the hall and ask him if he had given the employee permission to leave. He replied, "Dave came to me and said that YOU told him it was okay for him to go home early, so I said that if you said it was okay, it was okay."
Basically the guy had told us both the same lie. I mean,. I could maybe understand if we were talking about a four year old kid who stole a cookie, but we're talking about a 45 year old man.
People who manage their finances in such a way that if the home office fucks up and sends the Thursday paychecks on Friday or misses two hours of overtime and puts them as back pay for the following week, they turn into Bill Paxton on "Aliens." "What the fuck? Oh my God! How the fuck am I supposed to get by like this? I'm fuckin' DOOMED, MAN! I'm FUCKED! Oh, man! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER!"
Neighbors who either make a shitload of noise all the time and annoy the shit out of you, or neighbors who are constantly annoyed by little noises like you walking around your apartment or running water who apparently sleep or go to work NEVER.
Snobby retards who consider themselves aficionados of comedy, who think that nothing has been funny since the Smothers Brothers.
People who turn fucking everything into a bullshit game of 20 questions.
"Cook that Hot Pocket."
"You want it cooked?"
"Yes."
"Hmmm... That's a Hot Pocket?"
"Yes."
"You want me to cook it?"
"Yes."
"Hmmm... I've never cooked one of these before. How do I cook it?"
"Follow the directions."
"What directions?"
"The directions on the box."
"This box?"
"Yes."
"Hmmmm... It says to place it in the sleeve, place it in the microwave, cook it on high power for 2 minutes, rotate it, then cook it for another 2 minutes, or until hot."
"Yep."
"Hmmm... This goes in the microwave?"
"Yes."
"But it's like a pie. Wouldn't that be better in a conventional oven?"
"No."
"But I think it would be more crispy. Why not give it a try?"
"Because it's not designed that way. Just do it like it says on the box."
"Hmmm... It's got cellophane on it. Do I take that off? They don't mention it in the instructions."
"You couldn't really put it in the sleeve if you didn't."
"But do I then put it back in the cellophane after I put it in the sleeve?"
"No."
"Do I put a certain side up?"
"The sleeve says 'This side up.' Put that side up."
"Does it matter how the pie is set in the sleeve? Like do I put the flat side or the curved side down?"
"Who cares?"
"Uh oh, the ends are sticking out of the ends of the sleeve. Is that okay?"
"It doesn't matter."
"What's the wattage on the microwave?"
"Who gives a shit? It's a Hot Pocket, not braised pheasant. It's going to be a crappy Hot Pocket regardless of how carefully you cook it."
"It says to rotate it after two minutes. How far should I rotate it?"
"It doesn't matter."
"If it didn't matter, why would they says to do it? Should I rotate it 90 degrees? 180?"
"180. Just cook the damn thing."
"It doesn't mention putting the sleeve on a plate or anything. Should I? I think the microwave will get dirty if I don't."
"Sure, use a plate."
"Will it change the cooking time?"
"No."
"Oh, hey. This microwave has a carousel. Do I still need to rotate it?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Do I still cook it for 2 minutes, stop it, then cook it for two more minutes?"
"No, just set it to 4 minutes and leave it in."
"Do I change the cooking time?"
"'....OR UNTIL HOT!' Just cook the fucker."
"I'm going on break soon. Should I get someone else to cook it?"
"NO. Just do it. Goddamn!"
"Okay..... It's bubbling, but it's only been 3 minutes, 45 seconds. Is it done?"
"'OR UNTIL HOT!'"
"You think it's done? It's been 4 minutes now."
"It's done."
"Stop the microwave?"
"Yes."
"Do I take it out?"
"No, you leave it there until the end of time. Of course you take it out."
"Is it hot though?"
"Of course it is."
"Should I like, get an oven mitt or a spatula or something to get it out?"
"Whatever."
"What do I do with the sleeve thing?"
"You save it for your future grandchildren. Throw it away."
"Hmmm.... Isn't it supposed to look like the picture on the box?"
"Hot Pockets never do. It's kind of accepted that it's going to look like a porpoise took a shit in a pie crust."
Here's how the conversation should go.
"Cook that Hot Pocket."
"Okay................ Here you go."
The white balding guy in the crowded airport terminal this morning at 4:45am doing Tai Chi. Welcome to crankyland, bean sprout. You're doing something pretentious for the purpose of being seen, and nobody here is in the mood to look at you, and we sure as fuck don't think you're interesting. Now calm the fuck down before I am overcome by the urge to throw my six dollar coffee at you.
Employers that take forever to deal with even the simplest and most mundane problems.
"Hello, this is Irving Stanwick, head of global distribution at Blah Blah Blah, the leading manufacturer of satellite telecommunications technology... Oh, Hi, Dave. The break room coffee machine is broken? Are you sure? Hmmmm..... Uhhhh..... Ooohhh..... Who would we call to fix it? Maybe building maintenance? Maybe Scott from accounting would know? Hmmm...."
Three Months Later
"Hello, Irving Stanwick. Oh, hi, Dave. The break room coffee machine is broken? Again? Oh, it was never fixed? Uhhhhhhh...... Hmmmmmm.... Did you talk to Judy from H.R.? I think maybe she knows who deals with the coffee machines."
"Thanks for a nation of finks...”
-William S. Burroughs, A Thanksgiving Prayer (1988)
New York City's "If you see something, say something" campaign. In tons of places in NYC, like on subways and buses, there are posters everywhere showing a mosaic of pictures of people's eyes. Under the eyes is text that reads, "There are 16 million eyes in New York City. We're counting on all of them." Below this is a phone number to call if you see "something suspicious," which is vague in the extreme. Of course they mean this will help keep us safe from terrorism, but, of course, none of the attacks on September 11th, 2001 would have been averted or even lessened by everyone in New York glancing suspiciously at everyone else and repeatedly smashing their speed dial, where they had stored the hotline as entry #1. To augment the already overbearing mass of posters everywhere, the subways frequently play an audio recording, vaguely warning to "Be alert to suspicious persons or activities." When I first saw the poster, it immediately reminded me of the dark piercing eyes of Big Brother glaring out from posters and video screens in the John Hurt rendition of "1984." A few years after the initial release and ubiquitous posting of the original "If you see something, say something" posters, they posted a follow-up poster, which no doubt, they intended as a positive, optimistic thing, but made my blood run even a little colder. "Last year, 1944 people saw something and said something." This is supposed to make me feel safer? Nearly 2000 busy-bodies made themselves public snitches and did the police's work for them, just because they saw something "suspicious." Of course, if they had ACTUALLY stopped any real terrorist threat, there is no doubt that it would have been trumpeted all over the national press as a grand success story, a testament to the great value of the surveillance state, where everyone watches everyone, and tells the authorities everything they see that they deem "suspicious." Instead, all we see is the number, which could mean anything. The number might not even be accurate, and might not have any bearing to the improvement of public safety. To quote the photographer who took the picture, "This means there were 1944 people who were terrified for no reason." All it means is, "You are being watched.... by everyone... so watch what you do. You wouldn't want someone to think you're doing something suspicious." I mean, you might be doing something EVIL, like forgetting your shopping bag in the subway, or, (gasp) taking a picture of something on the street. I mean, only a terrorist would do something like walk down the street in a quiet neighborhood by himself... AT NIGHT EVEN. Obviously you're up to no good, plotting the destruction of God, mom and apple pie. Of course, all this snitching is anonymous, which bypasses the 6th Amendment of the Constitution, and as always, fascists instantly equate "people having rights" to "being for the terrorists." (Note the "Fair and Balanced" journalistic integrity of the reporter. In the case in question, a passenger told the flight crew that some people were making him nervous because they were (gasp) muslim on a (gasp) plane, and the police came and took them off the plane, and it turned out they weren't doing shit, so the people sued. "I mean, GOD! What kind of country are we living in if you can't just report someone to the authorities and accuse them of terrorism when they aren't doing a fucking thing wrong without fear of repercussions?") I mean, maybe before they started a program where you can anonymously call a hotline and accuse people of terrorism, they should have remembered that there are some idiots in this country who are fucking hysterical and paranoid who think that everyone who is a darker shade of brown than them or wearing something other than a polo shirt and khakis is probably up to no good. Call me crazy, but I don't want to live in a country where the idea of freedom is being negligibly safer from terrorism because any asshole can point a finger at me and have me waterboarded because they thought I had a funny look in my eye and they got spooked over nothing.
Review sites that are such pussies that they're scared to commit to saying that item A is better than item B. Hey, assholes. You're a review site. That's the whole fucking point. Comparing shit to other shit. They are either scared to give real reviews or are definitely selling something. Like recently I was contemplating changing my cell phone service (Something about the fact that my Sprint phone sometimes will be "roaming" standing right next to City Hall in the most populous city in the fucking US, because Sprint sucks the scabs off a meth whore's cum-encrusted anal sphincter. <--- Honest review). I googled "wireless service reviews." While some of the sites seemed to offer legitimate info, most would go on and on about, "What you want to do is find the carrier that's right for you, and here's a ton of information on every aspect of mobile phone service, but of course, we never name company names show prices or commit to saying that feature A is better than feature B. So basically, we're just creating more homework for you to do before switching phone services, when you actually came here to get your homework done. Blah blah blah, CDMA, blahbitty blah blah, GSM, blah bleee bloo blah, PCS blah blah blah...." Fuck you. ONE IS BETTER THAN THE OTHERS. WHICH ONE IS IT? THAT IS THE ONLY INFORMATION I NEED. Give me ratings, give me user reviews, give me prices. Oh, and YOU CAN TAKE DOWN THAT REVIEW YOU DID IN 2004, ASSHOLES. It's still fucking showing up on Google on the first page when you search for wireless service reviews, as though it's still fucking relevant to anything.
Here's a perfect example. It's December 20th, 2007. What is currently the best videocard available for gaming? "Ahh, well, the new Nvidia blahbitty blah is capable of producing 32 gagillion triangles per second with polyblah blah shading and blah blahbitty mhz frontside bus blah blah blah blahhhh... and of course the new ATI blah blah blah runs at 208 million blah blahs per blah blah blah with a framerate of blah blah blah with a blahbity blah processor for anti-aliasing blah blah blah..... Here, look at some cryptic mathematical graphs that all look pretty much the same and might or might not show pertinent information." YES, BUT WHAT IS THE BEST? I have 600 bucks in my hand and I'm looking for something that runs games better than anything else in that price range. WHAT IS IT? You know the fucking answer. GIVE IT TO ME. STOP BEING SUCH PUSSIES AND GROW A GODDAMN SPINE.
Even though I know it would probably be the shittiest job in the world, I always wanted to work at Home Depot just so I could refer to my boss as the Home Despot.
Guys who act like there's something wrong with you when you see a girl who is physically attractive, but dumb as a box of hair, and you are actually turned off by her stupidity. They say something like, "Whoa, look at that," and then when you qualify your agreement with, "Well, yeah, she's built nice, but she seems kind of doofy," they give you that look like, "What, are you a faggot?" No, but there's only so much enjoyment I can get from fucking someone who is borderline retarded.
Gee, maybe we'll eventually stop fucking for a second and have to actually talk to each other, and I'd rather not have to entertain a conversation that begins with, "I love Christmas trees! They're so purty! When I get my own apartment I'm gonna have ten Christmas trees and I'm gonna leave them up all year long! That way it's like Christmas all the time! And every year I'm gonna get another Christmas tree until the apartment is nothing but Christmas trees! YAY, CHRISTMAS TREES! YAAYYYY!!!'"
People who aren't diabetic who are paranoid about the sugar content of foods with a negligible sugar content.
"Would you like some Shredded Wheat?"
"Oh God no! Do you know how much sugar that has in it?"
"Yeah, enough that you can't even goddamn taste it. I mean, when I eat food that tastes like hay, I think 'boy, this is like eating hay-flavored candy.'"
People who should be pushing mops who are in positions where they need to deal with people.
*Ring, ring*
"Hello, this is blah blah with blah blah company."
"Hello......."
"...... How can I help you?"
"This is security......"
"...... Yes, what can I do for you?"
"There's somebody down here....."
"..... Who is it?"
"There's someone here....."
"....... Yes, who is it?"
"Oh, hold on...... He's making a delivery."
"What is he delivering?"
"Yeah, delivery......"
"WHAT is he delivering?
"He says he has a delivery for blah blah at the blah blah company...."
"Yes, but what is it?"
"Delivery."
"Can you send him up?"
"*Scoff* No....."
"Okay, I'll come down, but what is he delivering? Do I need to bring a cart or something?"
"I dunno. He says he has a delivery."
"But what is it? Is it big? What is he delivering?"
"Can I put you on hold for a second?"
"Okay."
"............... Hello?"
"Hello."
"So are you coming down?"
"What is being delivered? Is it large or heavy?"
"Should I tell the guy you are coming down?"
"Fine! I'll be down there in a second."
I go down and the delivery is a little cake in a shopping bag. For all I knew it could have been a palate of soft drink cases.
The fact that there are a million high security buildings and areas in New York City where a million retarded tourists are constantly debating with a million security guards about, "Can I go inside? But why not? But I just want to see it. But why can't I? I'm not gonna do nothin'. I just wanna see it. Why can't I?" BECAUSE YOU CAN'T, IDIOT! Because it's the United Nations building and MAYBE they don't allow every random retard who feels like it stroll through the front door and start taking pictures, or maybe shoot world leaders in the head, dipshit.
That unclever "Sheeple" thing that I have heard in a million places in the last couple of months. I had heard this before, but now I'm hearing it everywhere from videogames to car advertisements. Of course, retards still think the dumb pun is witty. "See, because sheep follow the flock, and people who follow the flock are, heh-heh, SHEEP-ple, get it? Because they're like SHEEP-PEOPLE, heh-heh. Get it?" The irony is that I'm hearing it from a million angles at once, so who's the fucking sheeple now?
Incomplete or incorrect walk-throughs for videogames. While most games can be figured out by simply paying attention, some games, particularly RPG's, can be completely infuriating unless you get some hints here and there. There's really no way they can expect you to know to randomly trade four cicada shells to the guy hiding in the barrel at G-17 when you can't even see him, and there's a million other people to talk to, and how the fuck are you supposed to know what cicada shells are for, particularly when even if you talk to the barrel guy, he just says something cryptic like, "Boy, I sure would like to help you, but it seems I'm lacking something"? And here all this time you've been throwing them away because they take up inventory space and they sell for only 1 gremf. So you go online, and search for a walkthrough. You hit the first match, and find a walkthrough for missions 1-8 out of 52 missions needed to complete the main story line. THANKS FOR NOTHING, FUCKASS!
The somewhat disappointing truth about presidential approval polls. When President Bush gets a 30% approval rating, that doesn't mean that people think he's doing a 30% job, it means that 30% of Americans still think, "Ya-huh, he doing GOOD GOOD job for America! He is GOOD and SMART. He CHRISTIAN too, what means he is MORAL and GOOD! Also he pertecting us from terrists like Osama bin Saddam, who I think is in the Middle East somewheres in England. That's important, cuz he wanna shoot us with a nuculur bomb cuz he hate freedom. I seen a nuculur bomb once on Terminator 2 and it was scary cuz that lady done turned into a skeleton, and that skeleton was screamin'! Now, if there's one thang I know', it's that I ain't never wanna meet no damn screamin' skeletons, SHIT-FIRE! He GOOD president, doing GOOD GOOD JOB, yea-up!"
People who are WAY too goddamn stupid to be on TV, but are anyway. "I don't think anything predated Christians." "Uhhhh, the Greeks came before them, then the Romans, then Christians." "Jesus came first, before them." EVEN THE GODDAMN BIBLE NEVER SAID NOTHING CAME BEFORE JESUS, RETARD. Mary and Joseph were BC characters. That's What B-C FUCKING MEANS! IT MEANS "BEFORE CHRIST!" EVEN THE MOST DEVOUT CHRISTIANS BELIEVE THAT SHIT HAPPENED BEFORE THE GODDAMN BIRTH OF CHRIST! HOLY FUCK! I Wonder how that job interview went.
"So, what do you think you have to offer? What can you bring to The View?"
"Well, I can speak on a broad range of subjects like DOIIIIIIII and DURRRRRRRHHHH.".
People with some kind of "two soup cans and a string" internet connection that drops all the time who use IM programs. Beefmonkey is online.... 2 minutes later.... Beefmonkey is offline...... 30 seconds later.... Beefmonkey is online.... 5 minutes later..... Beefmonkey is offline.... 30 seconds later.... Beefmonkey is online.... 3 minutes later..... Beefmonkey is offline.....
No, I will not go to some site to give your podcast a five star review even though you take five minutes out of every show to explain how easy it is and how important it is, so shut up about it. Easily over half of podcasts do this, and to me all it is is extra bullshit to fill up iPod space and extra time to download. If I download 12 podcasts, that's an hour of begging for ratings right there. Here's a little common sense... I listen to podcasts... on an iPod... and I don't listen to my iPod unless I'm out and about... and if I'm out and about.... I CAN'T FUCKING GO TO SOME WEBSITE AND VOTE ANYWAY, and when I'm at home, I plug my iPod in to charge, and I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT YOUR PODCAST AT THAT POINT. In fact, there are podcasts I try out and don't like, and I'm not even thinking about it enough to remember to unsubscribe. Sorry to burst your bubble, but your podcast is not the most important thing to happen to me in my day. Stop it. It's stupid.
TV shows that do segments on people with severe physical deformities, and the TV shows are, of course, totally depending on a voyeuristic public to get ratings. They then take the people out in public and play the intolerance card when people stare. "Why are you staring? That's not acceptable." Oh, gee. Why are people staring? Maybe they're never seen a set of siamese triplets joined at the face and are inquisitive, the same fucking reason you made this segment, in hopes that people would be eager to do their inquisitive staring from the comfort of their living room sofas.
People who are 32 chronologically and 14 emotionally.
"Baby In The Well" news stories. Of course, I don't necessarily specifically mean stories about babies stuck in wells. I mean any news story about something dumb and emotional, although truly insignificant on a cosmic scale, that the media goes apeshit over, and then spends weeks covering and distracting the public from all the real bullshit that's going on. Insert "trapped miners," "lost mountain climbers," "Terri Shiavo," "Jon Benet," "OJ," "domestic hostage situation," "armed stand-off," etc. in place of "baby in a well," as applicable. Paris Hilton stubbed her toe. Discuss.
A baby falls down a well. Within minutes, news crews are on the scene. An alert simultaneously flashes across the screen on Fox, MSNBC and CNN, interrupting coverage on the Iraq war. Some asshole graphic designer has already made an elaborate computer animated sequence with dramatic theme music that will flash on the screen before and after every commercial break for the next two weeks. "SAVING BABY CHRISTINE!" All the channels immediately place a box in the upper left hand side of the screen showing a 24 hour a day live video feed from a camera pointed down into the well, which simply shows blackness. Of course, the well-watch cam is not inset during commercial breaks, because beneath the surface the whole purpose behind this hoopla is generating commercial revenue.
Then they bring in a seemingly endless stream of "experts" for their live 24 hour a day coverage. A pediatric nutritionist is brought in to talk about how many days the baby could survive without food. A pediatric orthopedic surgeon is brought in to speculate on the injuries the baby might have sustained from the fall based on nothing but guessing. A geologist is brought in to discuss the kinds of rocks that the well is made of. A well builder talks about the design of the well. A survival specialist is brought in to speculate on how much cooler it would be at the bottom of the well and whether the baby will get hypothermia. The owner of the company that designed the winch that they are using to try to get the baby out comes on to tell all about the winch, and they show lots of CGI and stock footage of the winch being used in various applications. A 21 year old guy who made a short student film about a baby in a well for college credit is brought in to discuss the similarities between his film and the baby in the well. They interview a family whose baby fell in a well a few years ago and caused a media storm, so they can describe what it was like to have their baby stuck in a well. A psychologist is brought in to speculate on the emotional state of the baby. Some random weirdo with a distracting beard is brought in to speculate on the amount and quality of the water at the bottom of the well. Some political pundit asshole is brought in to bitch that the government isn't doing enough to protect America's babies from the scourge of wells. There are copious computer animated diagrams showing the well depth and where the baby might be stuck, but of course, they're all just guessing.
Inevitably, when someone from the local hick police force or EMT or whatever calls a press conference, or whenever anyone does anything to maybe do anything to get the kid out of the well, they immediately cut to that as a NEWS FLASH. "Well it appears that they are setting up some sort of tripod on which to maybe mount a winch. Sarah, do we have any further information on this tripod?" "Yes, John, it appears that they ARE INDEED setting up a tripod of some sort. Whether the tripod will be a mount for a winch or maybe something else, we do not know, uhh, at this time." Four hours pass and the tripod still has nothing mounted to it, but the live coverage continues, complete with "expert" commentary. "So in your expert opinion, what are we looking at?" "Well, it appears to be a tripod.... Hang on, wait a second... one... two..... three.... Yes it is a tripod. A tripod, of course has three legs. If it had four or more legs, we would be looking at something else. I can tell from here that it is most likely made of metal, though what kind of metal I do not know. Ummm... Couldn't we, uhh... just ask the rescuers what's up with the tripod?" "SHUT UP! WE'VE KILLED FOUR HOURS ON THIS THING! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY IPHONE AND GEICO COMMERCIALS WE'VE PLAYED IN THAT TIME? If they just tell us what it is, we'll have to think of something else to talk about! You don't want that, do you?" "No, uhh, of course not... So I'm not sure of the weight capacity of this tripod, so I really can't guess on its suitability to lift Christine out of the well, or maybe...." etc. etc.
Of course, every 20 seconds, they cut away from the talking heads to show the same montage of stock footage of the well and home videos and pictures of the baby OVER AND OVER AND OVER. They also occasionally enlarge the inset well-watch cam to fullscreen so you can get a closer look at pitch blackness. Of course, about once an hour they drag out the poor, distraught parents to talk live to the media about how they are praying and trying to hold onto hope, and they give the bloodthirsty media the ratings-driving prize they want: tears.
A week later the 24 hour coverage is still going on. The well-watch cam box in the corner has been upgraded from a camera that picks up visible light to an infrared camera, so instead of a black rectangle, the rectangle now shows a green doughnut that fades to a pitch black center. The talking heads are still speculating. The tone has shifted to "Who can the family sue if the baby is not recovered alive?" "Mister Politician who is up for election, where do you stand on the move to outlaw all wells?" The talking heads talk, and the montage of the little girl and the well plays again and again.
After two weeks they finally recover the little girl's dead body. It turns out that the baby died in the initial fall and has been dead the whole two weeks. The 24 hour well-watch cam is turned off and is replaced by a repeating loop of people holding candles and bringing flowers to the family's home.
The media gets it's teary-eyed interview with the family, who look like they haven't slept for the entire two weeks. The talking heads keep talking and talking as public interest begins to wane. The media has milked the story dry.
They have managed to keep the public enthralled by a spectacle and keep their sponsors happy for two solid weeks without having to do a shred of real journalistic work.
"Such a tragic end to such a dramatic story. Now we bring you back to Iraq, where political factions are working towards a deal to.... Just a moment. We have just received a news alert that five members of a Boy Scout Troop have become lost in the woods in Washington State!" And the dramatic theme music blasts as an animated CGI logo fills the screen: "THE SEARCH FOR TROOP 168!"
Rich fucks with horrific teeth. Seriously, sometimes you'll see these corporate CEO's and heads of state and their teeth look like they are made entirely of tartar. Like you know you could easily scratch off a big cake of goop off the front of their incisors and squish it out from under your fingernail like a wad of camembert cheese. They appear on your TV screen and you can smell the hallitosis in your living room. Seriously, assholes. You could wipe your asses with hundred dollar bills. How could you let your teeth decay until they look like an ant farm? If I had your money my smile would fucking blind people.
So, I just saw a guy who was wearing an oversized t-shirt down to his knees with Tupac Shakur on the front. He was wearing the standard issue oversized Roca Wear jeans with the waistline at about his mid thighs. These cascaded down and bunched up over his sparklingly brand new white Nikes. His forearms were covered in gangsta looking tattoos. He was smoking and had one of those annoying 2-way radio cell phones, which, of course, he had cranked up to full volume for effect, so we could all hear the lovely "Sups" and "Yo, where you ats." Oh, I might have forgotten to mention, he was an Indian guy wearing a turban. Soooo... You've completely assimilated all the dumbest things in American culture, but kept the one thing that might make sense to lose. Yeah, that makes sense.
Isn't it about time to stop electing people to plan our future who believe that God is going to come down and take all his chosen people bodily to heaven sometime probably before next Tuesday?
Those horrible zits that look like shit and swell and hurt, but never rise close enough to the surface to pop. Like you'll have this big red volcano looking thing on your chest or the back of your neck, and it sticks out far enough that you can easily align your index finger and thumb on it. Then you squeeze and squeeze and then switch to using both your thumbs, and you continue to squeeze harder and harder. You can see a little plasma emerging on the skin, but the thing simply won't pop. You can feel something that feels like a ball bearing deep inside it. You keep squeezing and then you feel the ball bearing crunch. At that point things get a little hazy because you lose consiousness from the pain. When you come to, you look down at your chest and the thing is swelled up like a big red fucking golfball. A month later the thing still hasn't popped, despite many attempts, and you start to feel like it will always be there, like a third nipple.
People who combine their dumb superstitions.
"What if the Star of Bethlehem was really a UFO flown by alien greys?"
"What if your stupidity is contagious?"
Companies with telephone operators who transfer you repeatedly so you have to reexplain your entire problem to multiple people who have no idea what you are calling about.
"Hello, retail services."
"Hello, my name is Joe Blow and I ordered a box of widgets about three weeks ago and I haven't received them yet."
"Do you have your order number?"
"Yes, it's order number 105672."
"Hmmmmm............ Could I put you on hold for a moment?"
"Sure."
A couple of minutes pass.
"Hello, order tracking."
"Uhhh.... Yes, my name is Joe Blow, and I was trying to track my order. I placed an order for some widgets about three weeks ago and I haven't received them yet."
"Do you have your order number?"
"105672."
"Hmmmm........ Were these the three inch widgets?"
"Four inch."
"Hmmm......... Could I put you on hold for a moment?"
"Sure."
A couple of minutes pass.
"Widget development, this is Dave, how can I help you."
"Uhhh.... Sorry, I think they might have sent me to the wrong extension."
"Did you have a problem with widgets?"
"Yes."
"Were these the three or four inch widgets?"
"Four."
"Are they not working?"
"I haven't received my order yet."
"Oh... Sorry, what did you say your name was?"
"Joe Blow."
"Could you hold for a moment?"
"Sure."
A couple of minutes pass.
"Hello, this is customer service. Is this mister Blow?"
"Yes."
"I was told you wanted to place and order for some four inch widgets."
"No, I ordered a box of widgets three weeks ago and have not received them yet."
"Oh, uhhhh... Could you hold for a moment?"
"*Sigh...* Sure."
"Hello, distribution."
"I ordered a box of four inch, not three inch, widgets three weeks ago and I haven't received them. My order number is 105672. DON'T TRANSFER ME!"
Dumb fashion companies that haven't been in style since my childhood that keep hanging on and waiting for that big comeback. Hear me, Reebok? That Rbk shit isn't fooling anyone. What's that, Jordache? Did you say something?
People who randomly add unnecessary words to sentences because they think it makes them sound smarter. I just overheard one side of a phone conversation that made my eye twitch. The lady was using her very best rehearsed sophisticated voice.
"I had emailed her yesterday, and I had asked her to bring pens to the meeting. She had said she would bring them."
If you took every "had" out of that quote, it would be proper English.
People who, when their current course of action proves completely fruitless, continue doing exactly the same thing again and again.
This waiter was using his two-way radio to try to contact another waiter.
"*Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... " he said repeatedly in the exact same tone.
Finally, I said, "Just go find him." As I said it, it looked as though he snapped out of a trance.
People who are angry at you for not having information that you truly have no reason to have.
"I wanted to get a price quote for an LCD projector rental for a meeting."
"Sorry, sir. We're the catering company. We don't deal with AV setups. You need to get that price quote from the AV-Media department."
"So you don't know? Psssht! What's their phone number?"
"Uhhh... Hang on, let me look it up for you."
"DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?" Then the phone makes a loud clattering sound as he hangs up with a slam.
People whose default facial expression is as though someone is holding a plate of dog diarrhea under their chin.
People who want you to be on time for something so they ask you to be there WAY earlier than necessary. Like today I was told to arrive at a meeting at 7am. Of course, the meeting was way out in the middle of nowhere, so I had to get up at 3am to make it there on time. When I arrived at 7am they told me to grab some coffee and wait for the meeting to start. The meeting started at 9:30. Fuck you.
Commercials that depict customer service calls as being absolutely no hassle to the absurd extent that even the most optimistic viewer would scoff, "BULLLLLLLLSHIIIIIIT!"
A guy is checking his bank account online and sees a purchase for 2000 dollars that he didn't make. He picks up the phone and calls customer service. The scene cuts to a very attractive girl in a suit wearing a headset in a very clean and organized call center. Everyone in the background is busy gleefully helping other customers. The girl is smiling ear to ear and sounds genuinely happy to hear from the guy. "Thank you for calling Providence Bank. How may I help you today?"
"I believe I may be the victim of credit fraud. There's a charge for 2000 dollars on my account that wasn't me."
"I am sorry to hear that, Mister Smith. We have credited the 2000 dollars to your account."
"But... I didn't even tell you my name. How did you--" The guy hits refresh on his web browser and the $2000 credit shows in his account immediately. "Huh? Uhh, wow! That was easy! Thanks!"
"No problem. Is there anything else I can help you with today? Foot massage, maybe?"
"Sure! Thanks!"
People who are barely even famous who have Wikipedia pages about them that they obviously wrote themselves. Compare the congratulatory fanboy tone and extensive "triva" bits of the previous article to one about someone who is inarguably more well known, admired, and successful, whose career is much more extensive and whose most notable work is a household name and has been enjoyed by millions of people worldwide for over a decade. Oh, and uhh, if your agent wrote it for you, you're still a laughable douche.
That dumbass, predictable "joking but serious" shit when you walk by someone with pizza, beer, liquor, flowers, etc. etc. "Awww! You brought that for me? Why, thank you!"
People who can't adjust to changes in their jobs even when given way more than an adequate adjustment period.
"Agh! I still can't figure out these new expense reports! Why can't they just use the expense reports we had before?"
"Uhhh, they changed the expense report format in 2002."
"Well, the old ones were easier to use."
"Well, tough shit."
Unemployed people who list their employment status as "self-employed."
And the dumbass of the year award goes to...
I ordered some food for delivery. The total was 14 bucks. The delivery driver shows up and I hand him a 20 dollar bill. He asks me if I have anything other than a 20 and says that he has no change. "Really? You have NO change," I ask in disbelief, and he shakes his head.
He stands there with my 20 in his hand looking frustrated and stupid. I could almost hear his meager mental hardware clinking and clanking in his head. His brain apparently couldn't come up with anything reasonable, so he went into "throw up hands" mode. "Well, I don't have any change," he says as I start to get the impression that he's thinking the transaction is complete.
"Well, you aren't getting a six dollar tip." This seemed to have the "splash of cold water" effect and I could see him trying to think again. At this point I was getting really pissed. It was bad enough that it took like an hour for my food to arrive, and now I have Lenny Small on my doorstep who didn't figure that he would need any change. My fucking order is between 10 and 20 dollars. Nearly every ATM gives you 20 dollar bills. That makes the odds of me handing him a 20 dollar bill pretty goddamn high, and he didn't think this would come up? At this point it seems like this could go on all day, and since seeing this guy's dopey face is making me angrier and angrier the longer I look at it, I decide to do something before I haul off and hit him. Punching pizza guys is generally frowned upon, and it's not like he doesn't know where I live.
"Look. Forget it." The words again seem to have a "Snap out of it" effect. "I don't want the pizza anymore. Tell your boss you couldn't make change for me and the customer was annoyed and sent it back."
Finally, this ultimatum seemed to make this guy realize that solutions existed that were outside of just standing there in front of my door looking retarded. "Wait. I'll go get change. Give me the 20 dollars and I'll bring back your change."
"Uhhh, if I give you 20 dollars, you're going to leave and go about your day."
"Uhhhh, okay, I'll take the pizza and go to the bank and get change and come back."
"Uhhh, if that pizza goes with you, after all this, sorry, but I don't think I trust that nothing bad will happen to it before I eat it. Even if you don't do something to it, it will be stone cold."
The guy chuckled a little. I guess I foiled his plot to put his balls on my pizza. "Uhhhhh....."
He was starting to go back into impasse mode, so I presented the solution. "Leave the pizza here. You know where to find me. Go back to your store, get change, come back, and I will pay you." His eyes lit up, as though I had a great solution that he wouldn't have thought of in a million years.
Absurd or unnecessary "because I said so" rules or precautions.
"Whoa! You can't take that cart on the elevator."
"Why not?"
"Well, you could damage the elevator."
"Look. The cart plus what's on it weighs about 100 pounds. I think it's safe so say that's considerably less than you or me. Its wheels are made of rubber, just like the soles of my shoes. Obviously, I know I will get in trouble if I scratch the sides of the elevator, so I promise I won't let the cart touch the sides or door of the elevator. Plus, there's a camera in there if you care to make sure. Also, there's nobody in the elevator, so it would be just me and the cart, with no possibility of bumping into someone else, or having someone else bump the cart and scratch the sides of the elevator."
"It doesn't matter. You can't take that cart in the elevator."
Radio stations that still have "CD" in their jingle or call name. "You're listening to CD 101.5!" OOOOOHHHHH! CD's! They're HI-TECH! It's awesome that you're boasting that you're using 25 year old technology that's on the verge of obsolescence! WOW! You're not just 101.5, you're CD 101.5! Fucking WOOT!
People who go on the subway with a big purse, a tote bag, a back pack, another tote bag, a laptop case, and a rolling carry-on bag with another bag sitting on top of it. Hey asshole, if you need a mobile office, buy a fucking car..
Today I had to use the LIRR train because my job had me working way out in the sticks. The eastbound train was due to arrive at 7:55. I arrived at the station and waited in the ticket line. The bitch in the booth worked as slowly as possible. When I got to the counter, the train was coming into the station. I told her my destination and said I wanted a round trip. She made this stink-face and said, "The next train doesn't get here until 8:36."
I said, "The train is right here NOW."
She says in this ho-hum tone, "Yeah, but you're not going to catch that train."
"I WILL IF YOU GIVE ME MY TICKET."
After some huffing and puffing and ghetto mumbling she gave me my ticket and change and I ran and slipped in the door of the 7:55 train as it was closing. It was too bad I couldn't simultaneously be on the train and telling this dumb bitch off and giving her the one finger salute of "I told you so." To think this bitch had just DECIDED that I was going to be 40 minutes late AND would have to pay the higher "Peak" rate for my ticket when the train I wanted was within reach if she would just stop being retarded. I remember when these fucking ticket tellers bitched and moaned when the MTA started making ATM-like ticket vending machines, saying that they would take away jobs. The only reason I went to the teller instead of the machine was to get, uhhh.... I think in the olden days they called it "service." It's pretty fucking bad when a machine can give me far better service than a person. Would the machine keep me waiting around to hear its opinion on whether I will make the train if I run for it? Fuck you. I hope a machine does take your job. In fact I hope someone makes a machine whose only functions are making your children cry while kicking you in the twat.
More on the LIRR:
This morning my job wanted me to be way out in the the middle of nowhere by 7am. Soooo... I have a choice. Either I can arrive there 43 minutes early, or 51 minutes late. You would think they could have more frequent trains since all the commuters are paying 12 bucks. Oh wait. What am I thinking? The MTA giving halfway decent service for a reasonable price? Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.
People who operate a podcast that consists entirely of other people's music, who go for long periods of time between updates, citing "lack of creative inspiration." Uhhh... The fucking music is there. All you do is pick songs and make a podcast. There's very little demand for your personal creativity. Just fucking do it. If my goal was to make a podcast of various artists' music, I could crank out hundreds of ten song shows, creating play lists much faster than the songs could even be compiled into podcasts. I could even stay within genre and mood constraints. Take your "writer's block" and shove it up your ass. You're just lazy.
While it can make the work day go by faster if you are allowed play music in the office, almost nothing can make the day more agonizing than working in a place where they play shitty music. Try working 9+ hours a day listening to country music. It's enough to make someone go postal.
People who don't understand that there is a lot of gray area between "Go out and have a few drinks with your friends" and "Get so drunk you throw up all over yourself and pass out and have to be taken home by one of your friends an hour after arriving at the bar."
People who spam their MySpace friends list and email address book to "get out the vote" for some candidate who: A.) I have already expressed my disliking of directly to the sender, B.) Is considered to be either a complete douchebag or wing-nut by most people and is only liked by a tiny group of people who are fucked in the heads, and C.) Because of B could never win in a million fucking years... ARE YOU LISTENING, RON PAUL '08 RETARDS? Oh, and for the record, as of October, '07, I'm not supporting anyone for president. There's really nobody but douchebags running, and it's a typical presidential election, like always. You have the Democrats, who seem to always pick their candidates as though they are designed to lose, wholly relying on the misguided "well, at least we're not republicans" strategy that they should have learned doesn't work when Kerry lost to an incumbent whose approval rating was in the 30-40% range, and on the other side you have a geezer actor, a crazy cultist who flip-flops on abortion rights just to get votes, and a former mayor who is the only person on the planet that used 9/11 to enhance his career more than Osama Bin Laden did. I haven't seen a worse spread since Goatse.cx.
Tests and certifications that the government makes you do which are basically just ways to make you waste time and pay money. Like recently I had to take a 15 hour class and take a test to get certified in New York City in food safety. The cost of the class was $108.00. If you run a restaurant and there is not a manager or supervisor on the premises with a food handling certification card, and the Health Department comes to inspect, it is a critical violation with a huge fine, and you run the risk of having your restaurant shut down. So I took the class and test. The stupid thing is that a fucking chimp could pass. The test was 50 questions, and you can miss as many as 15 and pass. Personally, if you miss anywhere close to 15, I want to know what restaurant you work at so I can avoid eating there. The test had maybe 2 or 3 questions where you had to actually remember a number or think for more than half a second. Most of the questions were like this (Actual question from the test.):
The reason chicken must be cooked to an internal temperature of 165 degrees is:
A.) To improve the flavor.
B.) To increase business.
C.) To give the food a pleasant color.
D.) To kill salmonella bacteria which can spread food borne illness.
REALLY? I had to take a class to learn that? Not only is the correct answer obvious, but the question and answer contain the only important information that you might have to remember. It's as though the question is a lesson. Seriously, you could get almost every question right, even if you didn't take the class, if you had an iota of common sense. I got 100% on the test. The guy in front of me missed fucking TEN... And this fuck gets the same card I do. You seriously might as well just have a window where you walk up, pay $108.00, and they give you a card. If that guy missed ten questions on that EASY AS FUCK test, he's gonna fucking kill someone.
People who, when you fuck up, go into this passive aggressive "helpful" mode to thoroughly rub it in.
"Good morning. Do you have that report I need?"
"Aaah! Sorry, I forgot! Give me a few minutes and I'll finish it up."
"Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, I just forgot, I'm sorry. It shouldn't take long. Just give me a few minutes."
"No, I'm sorry. It might be my fault."
"Huh?"
"I must not have communicated clearly how important that report is."
"No, I understood, I just got caught up in other things and forgot."
"No, I think I need to get more in tune with how to communicate with you. Is there something more that I could do for you so you and I could be more on the same wavelength? Would you like for me to email you assignments in addition to asking you? Maybe I could install a new bulletin board in here to list what reports I need."
"That's not necessary. I was just busy yesterday and forgot."
"No, no. I'm going to call facilities when I get back to my desk to have a bulletin board put in. Would you like for me to put a message on your voicemail too?"
"No, that's not necessary."
"I just want to help you as much as I can."
THANK YOU! I GET IT! I FUCKED UP! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE, ASSHOLE!
People who, when you fuck up, go into this passive aggressive feigned inability to understand how this could happen to thoroughly rub it in.
"Good morning. Do you have that report I need?"
"Aaah! Sorry, I forgot. Give me a few minutes to finish it up."
"You didn't do it?"
"No, sorry."
"But... How did..... Wait, you really didn't do any of it?"
"Sorry, I was busy yesterday and I forgot."
"Wait, wait, wait... I'm trying to wrap my head around this. You knew the report was important, right?"
"Yeah."
"And you didn't do it?"
"I forgot."
"But if you knew it was important, how is it possible to forget about it?"
"I don't know. I just got busy with other stuff and it got put on the back burner."
"But.... I don't understand how you could put it on the back burner if you knew it was important."
Of course, this conversation could go on indefinitely, and these conversations usually will, until you finally say, "THANK YOU! I GET IT! I FUCKED UP! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE, ASSHOLE!"
People who say, "Dammit! I'm fed up with this shit. How am I supposed to get by? I work a shitload of hours, hardly ever see my kids, and my wife works too, and we can still barely pay the bills because the rent, utilities, phone, cable, etc. just go up and up and every year I get my review and they give me a teeny tiny raise that doesn't even begin to cover the increase in the cost of living. I guess I should be happy they give me anything at all, because it's not like my workplace is unionized. And then the cost of healthcare is going through the roof, and there's no way I can afford insurance, and my job doesn't offer me any benefits, and Medicare doesn't cover enough. I've had a bad knee and a really bad cough for years, but I can't possibly support my family if I spend money to get it checked, and if I had to miss any work, we'd be totally screwed. I'm so sick of how corporations have so much power in government. It's like nothing gets done unless some Fortune 500 assholes want it. And of course, I pay way too much in taxes, and those rich fat cats don't pay nearly their fair share! And then there's that goddamn war! The government is spending all it's money on this stupid war that we never should have gotten in, and may never get out of, when we have real problems here at home that need fixing. My brother was supposed to be home from Iraq months ago, but they keep sending him back and extending his tours. If this keeps up, there's going to be a draft, but of course, just like in Vietnam, all those rich assholes will find ways to keep their kids out of harm's way, and it'll be the little guy that gets stepped on again, just like with everything else. I've had it! They'll be hearing my anger in the voting booth this November! That's right! I'm gonna vote.... Republican!"
People who apparently do nothing all day but take FUCKING MEANINGLESS online quizzes and post them on bulletins on Myspace. I have retards that post the results of 6 or 7 quizzes every day on Myspace bulletins and almost always, the questions are completely irrelevant to anything. Do these people think that anyone actually reads that shit?
"1. When was the last time you were in a car?" Today.
2. "Have you ever been to see a movie with anyone on your friends list?" Yes.
3. "What is your third favorite food?" Meatloaf.
4. "Have you ever been to Ohio?" Yes.
5. "What day of the week were you born on?" I dunno! LOL!
6. "Are you good at math?" No.
7. "What color are your mother's eyes?" Blue.
8. "Have you ever gone skydiving?" No.
9. "Where was the best place you ever went on vacation?" The Bahamas.
10. "Do you like apples?" Yes.
11. "Do you believe in reincarnation?" No.
12. "Have you ever eaten Thai food?" Yes.
WOW! I FEEL LIKE I KNOW YOU SO MUCH BETTER NOW! THANK YOU FOR SHARING THESE DEEP AND REVEALING FACTS WITH ME! The only thing I learned is that you're apparently stupid.
People who think they're going to get real change in Congress by reelecting the same douchebags that have been there for 20 years. "Oh boy! I could never live with myself if some conservative took that seat. I'd better elect Joe Lieberman to another term."
You could hear the collective forehead slap as gay rights activists everywhere, who had been working their whole lives to promote acceptance, shouted, "FUUUUUCK!" as all their hard work was nullified in two minutes and eleven seconds.
"CONGRATULATIONS! You have been selected to receive two free iPod Nanos!" FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU!
Invariably, people will occasionally blurt out "fuck" on live TV. A person will say "nigger" or "faggot" or something else that pisses a lot of people off. In steps the media gestapo to make rules and impose fines and bring the hammer down with complete disregard for free speech. Then, self-professed champions of free speech step in and say the dumbest thing they could ever say in hopes of saving free speech. "What's the big deal? They're just words. Words have no power. I mean, why is everyone so angry? Words can't hurt anybody. They're just words, geeez!" Just words? Hey, idiot, words ARE important. Should people have a heart attack and get all self righteous when they hear a word they don't like? Probably not, but words ARE powerful. Words ARE important. Words CAN affect people. Not only is the free exchange of ideas perhaps the most important factor of democracy, but without words, we would probably still be trying to perfect the stone axe. Imagine humanity unable to communicate complex ideas, feelings, instructions. Words aren't just important, they're probably the most important thing to make us something more than chimps with less hair and upper body strength. Using the "They're just words" argument is like trying to defend women's rights by saying, "What's the big deal? They're just women. What could some silly, little women do? You people are getting all worked up over some little, powerless, pathetic women? It's not like anyone is really listening to what they're saying, so who cares?"
By the way, I am definitely not a huge fan of words like "faggot" or "nigger," but I have the foresight enough to know that people who preach freedom are contradicting themselves when they would limit what people can say and think. Freedom is the freedom to say cunt, shit, asshole, fuck, tits, motherfucker, cock, etc. etc. etc. as well as the freedom to say, well, you know... the N word and the F-a-g-g-o-t word too. Oh, and, uhh, this trend of making celebrities who say or do things that offend your delicate sensibilities apologize and go to rehab and sensitivity training is getting pretty fucking absurd. Every day some famous retard calls someone something, and then has to do Al Sharpton-supervised community outreach and go to counseling, and it's getting pretty goddamn tedious.
People with ridiculously outdated political views. "You know, this country has been in a real downward spiral since they gave women the right to vote." Shut up, retard.
Spammers who use some name in the "from" field that is HIGHLY unlikely. I mean, okay, you're from China, and maybe the only American TV you get is soap operas where they name people ridiculous shit like "Drake," and "Hunter," but let me throw you a tip. These names are uncommon enough that when I see them in my in-box, I know you're full of shit. *DELETE* Let's see here. Currently in my in-box are emails from Meehan Tera, Walker Coulson, Holden Griggs, Lake Colbert, Corty Hargrove and Aileen Bradshame. *Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, and delete.* Oh, and uh, sending me emails with "Important security issue with your Bank of America account," or "Please acknowledge" or "Urgent" as the subject.... *Delete, delete, delete, delete.* Fuck you retards.
Many videogames give NPC's lines of dialogue to say and motions to do to make the game more interesting and realistic. Like in Stalker and Bioshock, friendly and enemy NPC's all have little blurbs of banter and talk to each other and stuff. I can understand that if you have four guys sitting around a campfire, they're probably going to be talking about stuff. The downside is, after a few hours of gameplay, and these games take MANY hours of gameplay to accomplish anything, you will be done hearing new banter. The guy sitting at the campfire 20 feet from the start of the game is saying the same shit as the guy sitting at the bar 2 miles away and the guy sitting at the campfire 10 miles away. "Let's drink to him once more. He was a good stalker." Just shut up.
People who sell things on Ebay that they don't really understand.
"Makintosh Ipod. This is the thing that you use to hook up to your computer that plays youtubes or myspaces. It is white on one side and silver on the other. It has an internet screen on the front for looking at internets. There is some kind of hole on the bottom that I think is used to hook up an antenna. Right now it has an internet on it that you can listen to of Jethro Tull, but I think it has room for more internets. I am getting rid of it because I am tired of Jethro Tull and want to get a new Makintosh with other internets on it. Right now the batteries are dead so you will need to get new batteries. I think it takes AAA batteries, but I can't find the little door to insert them. This might be that Ipod with the phone, but I'm not sure. I got it from a guy in Ohio in 2004. Maybe the guy I got it from in Ohio could tell if it has the phone. I think that the rectangular hole on the bottom might be the antenna hole and the hole you talk in, but I don't see an ear hole.
Auction starts at $750 USD. 0 bids.
People who have been doing their job for a long time, and have been doing it wrong the whole time, who won't listen to a fucking thing about how to do it correctly, because, "Hey, I've been waiting tables for the past 15 years. I think I know what I'm doing here. I preset the milk, sugar, and coffee cups before the people arrive, so they have no idea how long the milk has been sitting out. The clients sit down. I give them the salad. When they're done with the salad, I bring around the main course. They got a choice of beef or fish, so I carry as many of each as I possibly can without dropping them. They tell me which they want and I set it down. Once all the entrees are down, I come around and give the people wine, ice water and bread. Then I come around and give steak knives to all the people that got beef. When the people are done with the main course, I roll this horrible, banged-up stainless steel utility cart into the room with all the dessert, and pick their plate up with one hand and serve dessert with the other. I have bus tubs on the cart and I stick the dirty dinner plates in there as I take desserts off. Once everyone has dessert, I go with coffee. I mean, that's the way I done it for 15 years. Now you come in here and start telling me to take people's orders at the start and serve them water and bread and wine from the start and set down steak knives after I clear the salad and set down coffee cups, creamers and sugars after I cleared the main course and to only carry two plates at a time and to wait until all the whole table is cleared from one course to start serving the next course, and to keep the filthy bus cart out of sight, and to serve from the left and clear from the right... I mean, 15 years I've been doing this, and there's never been no problems. Why you wanna come in here and change stuff around? Have YOU been a waiter for 15 years?"
There are two types of people who own samurai swords. Samurais and man-boy cosplay nerds who have a few screws loose and haven't been laid since the first Iraq war. There is a very simple test to determine which you are. Are you an aristocratic warrior swordsman from feudal Japan? No? Then you're not a samurai.
Ummmm... yeah, I think I rest my case. HOLY SHIT! THAT GUY ON THE LEFT WITH THE BEADY EYES JUST KILLED A BOX! That will be an incredibly important skill if he is ever attacked by boxes, or maybe it will help him unbox canned peas faster at his job as a grocery stocker. Awww, I shouldn't make fun. This guy is obviously deeply into eastern culture, as demonstrated by his artfully displayed Bhuddist beads, Yinyang-emblazoned Levis jacket, incense thingee which he apparently bought some little Pier One table thing to display, red cloth and shelf that he bought at Walmart, plug-in candle and picture of the Dalai Lama that he printed on his Canon Bubble-jet. The top right picture is fun too. We have a tubby Chun Li and the guy who runs the comic shop in The Simpsons making their best serious faces as they are imagining they are slaying Sephiroth. The guy in the lower right is itching for someone to offer him a Red Pill, and the guy in the bottom center is taking a short break from crying to take one last webcam pic with his left hand just before he commits seppuku. (Side note: Remember what I said before about button-down black shirts.) Here, Pugsly McGetsnone takes a break from pissing off his parents with Insane Clown Posse to record his pre-highschool rampage video manifesto. That's not a hoodie, it's a ninja invisibility cloak.
Of course, there will be these idiots who read this and say, "But wait! I took classes. I actually know how to USE a katana." Uhhh, WHO GIVES A SHIT? It's not like this is a practical or worthwhile skill to have. It's not like that gives you some license to walk around town with a katana on a sword belt in case anyone tries to start shit with you. The only accounts I've seen of people out in public with katanas are videos on youtube of crazy guys on PCP getting tasered and pepper sprayed by the cops. The title is usually something like "Crazy sword guy" or something.
Dentures that look so white and "perfect" that it looks like the person is wearing a boxing mouthguard. The idea is to look like you have teeth, not that you're Jim Carrey in "The Mask."
People who vote for a politician based on their support for some pet cause, regardless of disagreeing with them on most other things they stand for. "Hmmm - this candidate is Pro-Nafta... which I'm against, against abortion, and I'm pro-choice, for the War in Iraq, which I'm against, for deporting all immigrants, which I'm against, pro-death penalty, which I'm against, obvioulsy pro-big business/upper class, and I think that's unfair, against stem cell research, which I am for, pro-nuclear buildup, and I think we should at least partially disarm, against universal healthcare, which I'm for, against strict pollution regulations, and I'm an environmentalist, for blurring the line between church and state, which I'm against, for creationism in schools, which I think is ridiculous, for censorship of media, which I'm against, has been in the Senate for 24 years, and has a voting record that I would strongly disagree with 95%... oh, but wait... He wants to have the FDA regulate organic food to make sure it meets certain criteria before it can be labelled organic. As an organic-only vegan, that sounds pretty cool to me. This guy is getting my vote come November!"
Ear hair on the loose. As men age, often they start growing hair in weird places. It's sad, but true, and while it's a fact of life, that doesn't mean nothing should be done about it. I mean really, how do you expect people not to think it's gross that you have more thick, wire-like hair growing out of each of your ears than I have growing in both of my armpits and crotch combined. This morning I was on the train with this guy who kept staring at me, who I was about to ask to stop, when I noticed that the rims of his ears had black hair all over them. Who the fuck are YOU staring at, asshole? Your ear has a fucking mustache!
People on myspace who have a band that occasionally plays in a bar in Portland, Oregon who add me as a friend. I think, "Hmmm... Maybe they liked my website, or maybe they saw my musical tastes and have a CD that I would like that they're trying to get exposure for." So I OK the friend request, and then get daily bulletins about some show they're doing in Portland two weeks from now.
Chefs who became chefs seemingly so they can find as many ways as possible to serve people goat cheese.
Okay. We fucking get it. You like goat cheese. That doesn't mean you plan a dinner and start with an hors d'oeuvres of goat cheese in phyllo and tomato and goat cheese bruschette and a cheese board featuring goat cheese, appetizer of smoked goat cheese with artichokes, salad of mixed greens with balsamic vinaigrette with crumbled goat cheese, and for main course have a choice of sturgeon with asparagus and goat cheese or filet mignon with melted goat cheese, and for dessert a goat cheesecake. DUDE! LEAVE THE GOAT'S TITS ALONE FOR A FUCKING MINUTE! PLEASE!
Workplaces where it would be unrealistic to assume that you are not visible to a security camera anywhere you go. Let's be honest. Noses need picking sometimes
Computer techs who act like you're retarded when they don't even know the problem.
Today I came to work and had no network connectivity on my work computer. I called IT and got this guy who sounded really irritable.
"My network connection isn't working."
"Well what is it doing?"
"What do you mean? I can't connect to the network or the internet."
"*Loud sigh* Well what were you doing that made it disconnect?"
"Nothing. When I left last night it was working, and this morning I logged on and it wasn't."
"*Loud sigh* Did you kick the network cable out or something?"
"No."
"Okay, bring up a command prompt."
"Okay."
"Type ipconfig /release"
"Done."
"Okay now reboot."
"Okay." The system reboots.
"You have a network connection?"
"No."
"*Loud sigh*"
He has me do a lot of things in the system settings and in the command prompt. I rebooted a couple times. I followed all his instructions exactly. After trying a few things, he was getting more and more perturbed. He had me repeat most of these things a few times, instructing me to repeat his instructions back to him to ensure that I'm not a moron and am following his instructions correctly. Basically, to him, the fact that he told me a few things to do, and still can't connect means that I was too stupid to correctly follow his instructions.
"*Loud sigh* I guess I'll come down there and look at it. *loud sigh* I'll be down there in... *loud sigh* about 30 minutes. *loud sigh*"
He comes down and starts fiddling with things. The first thing he tries is the same thing he had me do a couple of times, and guess what. NO CONNECTION.
So a couple of hours have passed and he's got his supervisor here as well. They have cable testers and laptops and have made about a dozen phone calls. He's looking more and more aggravated all the time. Soooo.... I guess it wasn't such a simple problem , and I guess I'm not the retard you thought I was.
People who tell people that they look like a certain celebrity, as though it's such a great compliment. Even if the celebrity in question is attractive, unless the person has self esteem issues, they probably don't want to hear that they look like someone else. "Hey, you look like Christina Aguilera!" What if the girl hates Christina Aguilera for whatever reason? What if the girl considers herself more attractive than Christina Aguilera?
What's worse is when the celebrity is unattractive. "Dude! You know who you look like? Gary Busey!" Don't fucking tell someone that shit. Nobody wants to look like Gary Busey. Fucking Gary Busey doesn't want to look like Gary Busey.
Timid mergers. You're on the on-ramp for a highway. Traffic on the highway is moving at 65-70 miles an hour. Obviously the best way to merge into this traffic is to come to a complete stop at the end of the ramp.
The Prime Minister of Vietnam is named Tan Dung..... GRAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!
I'm not sure what everyone else is eating, but am I the only person who isn't having noisy, gassy, splattering diarrhea in public restrooms that stinks so badly that people have to flee the area before they puke? Seriously, it seems like every time I'm in a public restroom I hear this, "Spit... sputter.... BRACKITA BRACKITA BRACKITA..... sputter..... BRAP...... drip...... BRACKITA BRAP...... "
People who give you gifts that are seriously way too over the top. "Hey! Merry Christmas, guy I hang out with every once in a while! Here's your gift, a 25 dollar gift certificate at Virgin Records. Oh, you brought me a gift? Ohhhh.... A uhhh... mountain bike.... Thhhanks."
Organ donation. Don't get me wrong. I know sick people need organs, but what pisses me off is something I think is pretty simple. I sign my organ donor card. I die. They take my organs FOR FREE. They then charge patients $250,000 for a kidney, $350,000 for a lung, $350,000 for a pancreas, $900,000 for intestines, $450,000 for a liver, $500,000 for a heart... So from my body alone, the medical industry stands to make millions of dollars with organs they got FOR FREE. Millions of dollars for them, not a penny for me or my family, and they couldn't even do it at all without donors. Sorry, sick people, but fuck you, greedy medical money-grubbers.
If your main source of income absolutely depends on Myspace, and you don't actually work for Myspace, uhhh... Get a job.
Guys that use retarded "tough guy" banter that sounds forced and stilted and just makes them seem staggeringly stupid and weird. There's this guy I work with who most of the people I work with think is most likely in the closet, despite his frequent assertions that he's a real ladies' man. This guy has all the machismo of Guy Smiley. We're leaving work one night and despite being mid-September, the weather was nice and warm and clear, with a slight cool breeze. He notices the weather, and says, at a volume that could probably be heard across the street, "Holy FUCK, it's nice out! I need a BITCH right now! I need a BITCH right here so I can FUCK her!" Congratulations. You're still gay, but now you seem even gayer and definitely dumber.
Karate, tae kwon do, etc classes that people join primarily to learn self defense, where they mostly teach you how to do flips and splits and break balsa wood boards that are held up over your head and scream "KEEE-YAAAAAAAHHH!" Yeah, that's really practical. How about teaching me how to kick some drunk lummox's ass who decides to start some shit because he thinks I looked at him funny? I think at this point I should state the obvious. I think one of the keys to getting in a fight without getting arrested, is not drawing attention by shrieking "KEEE-YAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" as loudly as I can. Ever watch UFC? I think it would be kind of a dumb argument to claim that these guys aren't fighting well. Do you see any of them doing backflip kicks and breaking little boards that are suspended over their heads as they cry, "KEEEE-YAAAAAAAHHH"? No? Why is that, do you suppose?
Acne "cover-up" cream. Great. Now instead of looking like you have a big, juicy zit, now you look like you have a big, juicy zit with some weird orange stucco on it.
The way they made the Transformers in the Transformers Movie look like they were made of ten million moving parts, the largest of which being the size of a pencil.
Evangelical Christians who think that being gay is a choice, a perversion, a mental illness, but feigning a siezure as you roll your eyes back in your head and call out, "ZAMBAALA JOALICAMBOOZOO AALANICAMBAALICJOOMAACIBAALALALALALAAAA!" is completely natural, a blessing and beyond one's control. "What? That's totally normal. God does that to you. It's speaking in tongues. It's not like you're doing it yourself. But, wow! For people to say that being attracted to members of the same sex is natural? Now that's just perverted, right there! I mean, I know many homosexuals claim they knew they were gay since early childhood, and it's a fairly widespread phenomenon among upper primates, but WOW! Why are all those four year olds and chimps choosing to defy God's law? Oh, wait! God is speaking to me again! CHIMICHANGA AFRIKAABAMBAATAA SHANAANAA MECCA LECCA HI MECCA HINEY HO!"
As you might imagine, living in New York City exposes me to a wide range of cultures, which by and large is a very good thing. However, there is something that I would like to address. There are some cultures in which body odor doesn't even show up on the radar as far as things to worry about. They simply don't give a shit. They could have BO that could knock you out, and they are like, "What's the problem?" Then there are other cultures that deal with the problem not by practicing good hygiene, but by covering the smell up. Let me be an ambassador to help make your stay in the US a more pleasant one for both of us. Below are some schedules to help you recognize habits and improve upon them.
CORRECT:
Monday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
Tuesday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
Wednesday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
Thursday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
Friday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
Saturday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
Sunday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
INCORRECT:
Monday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
Tuesday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
Wednesday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
Thursday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
Friday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
Saturday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
Sunday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
INCORRECT:
Monday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Proceed with your daily tasks as people try to distance themselves from you.
Tuesday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Proceed with your daily tasks as people within a 20 foot radius clutch their noses as their sinuses burn as though they just snarfed kerosene.
Wednesday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Proceed with your daily tasks. Proceed to your boss's office for a very awkward meeting that he absolutely doesn't want to have to do, but is basically obligated to because all your coworkers demand that he say something to you about your reek.
Thursday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Proceed with your daily tasks as nobody without a hazmat suit can come near you without choking.
Friday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Proceed with your daily tasks as birds fall out of the sky at your passing.
Saturday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Wonder why all your neighbors are moving out.
Sunday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Turn on the TV and see that the police are investigating a possible hazardous chemical leak which just happens to be centered around your current location.
People who have bad breath that you can smell from six feet away. It's one thing if I'm close enough to shake your hand and notice that you had something with garlic for lunch, but some people just walk in the room and you swear they must have a dead rancid raccoon stuck in their throat.
That moment when you pour cereal in a bowl, then you pour milk over it, and then realize that you only have enough milk to slightly dampen the cereal. So now you either have to throw it away, which sucks because you bought the cereal and you're hungry, or you have to grind your teeth through an utterly unenjoyable breakfast.
People who try to play off their scientific ignorance as being open-minded.
"Is the earth round or flat?"
"Hmmm, you know... That's a very interesting question. I suppose the answer to that question is largely a matter of perspective."
"It was an either-or question with a correct answer."
"I understand that, but I don't think it's fair to rule out all possibilities. I mean, you might say it's round, and you could present evidence to that effect. On the other hand, there might be a body of evidence to support it being flat."
"Ummm... It's round. There's no credible evidence to support it being flat."
"Well you say that now, but certainly in the past there were scientists who believed that it was flat, if that was the common knowledge of their era. Also, the Bible says the world is flat."
"Yes, but they were wrong. It's round. Them thinking it was flat isn't a matter of perspective, it's attributable to their ignorance."
"I can see where you're coming from, but I think you have to look at the question from many angles."
"It's round. The end. Now, if you want to believe it's flat, please, PLEASE find the edge, and jump off it."
Not really something to be destroyed, but definitely something that makes me feel funny... What's the deal with certain restaurants where I am the thinnest guy there? I mean, at 225 pounds, I am no bean pole, but what the fuck? It seriously makes me have the feeling that I shouldn't be eating there, so I don't suffer the same fate. I've been to Boston Market a few times, and I go to Popeye's every once in a while, and it's as though nobody eats there except fat fucks. I just had lunch at Popeye's and while I was in line, this whole family of jello trolls came in and took over the whole fucking restaurant. From what I could guess, there were two husbands, two wives, another lady, and five kids, and there wasn't one of them who wasn't morbidly obese. There was a 12 year old girl in the bunch who could definitely kick my ass in tug of war. One of the husbands waddled up to the counter and ordered for everyone, so they could all sit down and huff and puff from exhaustion from dragging their ponderous asses to Popeye's all the way from Burger King a block away. The woman sitting across from me had boobs that looked like she was hiding an elephant seal in her shirt..
The retarded doublethink that conservatives do to justify why we need to stay in Iraq indefinitely. For months we heard that Bush was waiting until he heard the progress report in September by General Petraeus to Congress before he decided how many troops should stay in Iraq, and for how long. GEE! SURELY A LOYAL GENERAL WOULD NEVER, OHH, LIE, OR, OHHHH, HAND-PICK DETAILS LIKE A MOUTHPIECE FOR THE WHITEHOUSE TO SIMPLY DO WHAT BUSH WANTS OR ANYTHING!
Then later, (doublethink) we were told that Petraeus was going to deliver the report not to Congress, but to the White House, (doublethink) and that the White House would then take his findings and then THEY would present a report to Congress, and that this was ALWAYS the plan, and that the White House would then issue the report. NOOOO, Nothing suspicious about that!
Of course, we all knew that the contents of the report would be irrelevant. Regardless of the general's assessment, we would end up doing what Bush wants.
Suppose the report sees the war through rose-colored glasses.
"Everything is great here. We're making promising progress, and signs of stability are popping up all over, just like those lovely bustling markets (which were pretty much photo-op props) that McCain and Katie Couric visited."
Solution:
"Well obviously if we start pulling troops out, we will lose all these wonderful gains we've made. To pull out would ensure that the budding democracy here will fail. The continued stability of this region requires an extended US military presence or things will plunge back into chaos, and all our hard work would be a waste, and all the people who gave their lives for this would have done so in vain! Don't you support the troops?"
Suppose the report says things are a mess.
"This is a nation on the brink of a full-blown civil war, and has become the greatest recruiting ground for new terrorists. Al Qaida is here in force and are killing people every day."
Solution:
"This is the central front in the war on terror. To pull out now would only show our enemy that we are weak, and that the American people do not have the resolve to fight the long fight necessary to defeat them, also, leaving would remove any safeguard against the civil war that is teetering on the brink and threatens the stability, not only of Iraq, but the entire Middle East. We would be fools to pull out and let this happen! To pull out would ensure that Iraq becomes a new nation of terrorists who would stop at nothing to hurt Americans. Nothing stands against this chaos except the brave men and women serving there. Don't you support the troops?"
So then, yesterday, Petraeus gave his report to a highly skeptical Congress. His conclusion: We are making amazing strides and meeting goals, AND (doublethink) it's a complete mess with no obvious solution but one... WE NEED TO KEEP AMERICAN TROOPS IN IRAQ MUCH, MUCH LONGER!
Very important news article on MSNBC on 8/31/07: "Mormons: IS POLYGAMY IN THE AFTERLIFE OK?" Holy fucking fuck. WOW! No doubt this amazing journalism will win a fucking Pulitzer. THIS IS IMPORTANT NEWS!
People who read some shit in some magazine or something and try to twist the meaning to justify their own dumbass behavior.
"I read that drinking beer is good for your kidneys."
"Yeah. Drinking A beer is good for your kidneys. Drinking beer until you throw up and pass out every night is NOT healthy."
Organic, natural or healthy products that are advertised in a way that focuses entirely on, "Wow! I can't believe it doesn't even taste like twigs, tree bark and moss!" And you fucks wonder why I have a Whopper and a Pepsi for lunch.
Closeted gay Christians. Uhhhh, you're gay. Big whoop. Just be gay. You've been sold a dumb idea from Opposite Land. They tell you being gay is a decision you can make. Fuck that. Being gay is a natural phenomenon. Being a Christian is a choice. Be yourself.
Openly gay Christians. Maybe it's just me, but when I'm thinking of joining an organization or movement, I check to make sure they don't specifically say they stand against everything I'm about and want to destroy me. You espouse a belief system that seeks to stone you to death and send you to hell. Why would you do that? The Bible is pretty explicit when it comes to how "God" wants gays dealt with. There aren't any good endings for gays in that Choose Your Own Adventure Book.
Openly gay conservatives. See above.
Americans who still have no grasp whatsoever of the metric system. I mean, I know we eat Quarter Pounders and buy gallons of milk, but there's truly no excuse for having no concept at all. I mean, say what you will. The rest of the civilized world uses this scale. It might make sense to at least have a fucking clue. "A kilogram? Uhhhh.... That's kinda like 900 pounds, right?"
What's even dumber is when people don't get it when the metric amount is right on the package of something. Like for my job, one of the things I need to purchase is Pellegrino water. This has the metric amount right on the fucking bottle, and does not have the imperial amount. It comes in liter, half liter, and 250 milliliter bottles. My purveyor has no idea what to make of this.
"I need a case of Pellegrino in 250ml bottles."
"Uhhhh.... What's that?"
"The little 250ml bottles."
"Is that 16oz? 12oz? What?"
"It's like eight and a half ounces."
"Oh, because I didn't know."
"It's the one with the two five zero on the box."
Stiff, unsupportive, judgmental, denigrating, shame implanting parents who, when you somehow grow into a balanced, sane adult who isn't addicted to antidepressant medication see themselves as having been the "cool rock'n'roll" kind of parents who were open and related well to their kids and were behind them every step of the way.
Security guards who act like a robot with an erased memory when you forget your ID. Every morning when you show up to work, "Hey, g'morning, Steve. you catch that 49ers game over the weekend? That was brutal! Okay, well have a good day. Catch you later. I'll be bumming a cigarette later! Ha-hah!"
Then one morning you show up to work, and just as you get to the security checkpoint you realize that you forgot your ID card. You walk up to the same guard who was so chummy yesterday to explain.
"Good morning, sir. How can I help you? Lost ID? Hmmmm...." He squints at you suspiciously as though you have an oil barrel full of anthrax tied to your back with big red letters that say, 'WARNING: ANTHRAX!' "Hmmmmm.... Hang on. Let me call my supervisor," like he's never laid eyes on you before.
Adults who can't grasp kindergarten level math. I just overheard two middle aged security guards arguing over how long one of them had been working there.
"So you've been working here almost 10 years."
"I was thinking almost 9."
"Well when did you start?"
"January of 1998."
"Well it's almost 2008, so that's 10 years."
"Yeah, but like, you start at zero."
"Yeah, but you've been here for nearly ten years."
"No, but when you first start, that doesn't count as one."
In the time it took me to swipe my ID, empty all my pockets and put all my phones, cameras, etc. through the x-ray machine, walk through the metal detector, collect my things on the other side, reinsert all the correct phones and cameras in the right cases, put the things back in my pockets, hit the elevator button, wait for the elevator, get in and press the button, they were still no closer to an agreement.
Churches that credit themselves as being open minded and inclusive because they will take anyone of any religion or background and convert them so they're just like them.
"Most beautiful people" lists in magazines and on TV that include Queen Latifa. Okay, so you're trying to be nice or inclusive or whatever, but no. She isn't. I mean, if I'm just some out-of-shape balding gamer nerd from Kentucky, and I have fucked better looking girls, no, she doesn't get to be on a "most beautiful" list unless it's like a list of "most beautiful people who happen to be standing in this room at the moment," and it's not a very heavily populated room. I'm not really just trying to rip on Queen Latifa, but she has this weird tendency to keep turning up on these lists, and I DO NOT GET IT.
Popular music stations that try to sneak in a country song here and there. Uhhh.... Nobody wants to hear that shit. If they did, they'd be listening to the country station.
People who want to pretend they're interested in your personal life who forget important painful things that you have told them previously, which they would have fucking remembered if they actually cared.
"Oh, hey. How's Sarah?"
"I don't know."
"You don't see much of each other lately?"
"Nope. Not since she dumped me a couple months ago. You knew that."
"Oh. That's too bad. She was nice."
"Yes, she was."
"And pretty."
"Yeah..."
People who name their kids FOR REAL Biblical names. Of course names like Paul and Michael and David are pretty standard at this point, but you can take your Solomon and Zachariah and Jebidiah and stuff them up your asses.
People who assume everyone around them is a christian. Like I was having a conversation with this lady I work with about a difficult customer we have. Basically, she's one of these customers where nothing will please her. When she says jump, you jump twice as high as the world record, and she's annoyed that you didn't try hard enough.
"Well, some people just seem to want to have something to complain about," I say. (Yes, I am aware of the extreme irony of me saying this. Shut up.)
"She must have DEMONS."
"I was just going to say she was a bitch, but whatever."
"No, I mean, there are real invisible demons that torment people and make them act crazy."
I do my best polite smile.
"You agree, no?"
"Actually, not really."
"But you're a Christian," she says with the same presumtuous confidence as if she had said, "But you breathe air."
"Nah."
"Yeah, but you believe in God," she reinforces with the same tone.
Still trying to hold my polite smile, "Not really."
"Well whatever you want to call it, you do believe in some ultimate power out there."
"Mmmm, no I don't."
She then continued talking about demons and Jesus in this completely matter of fact tone, like I really did follow the same religion as her, but just wasn't being forthcoming about it.
In reference to the specific complainer above, I was filling in for the corporate cafe manager who was on vacation. I had worked there before on occasion, so the staff and the clients recognized me as a manager. It was my first day filling in for his absence, so anything there was what was already ordered by the manager. Anything NOT there, I would have to order myself for the next day, and explain the concept of "tough shit" to anyone who wanted something that was not there. So I'm walking to the cashier area to see if they need any change or whatever, and this bitch comes up to me in a fury.
"YOUR COMPANY SUCKS! YOU NEVER HAVE ANYTHING I WANT! IT'S REALLY THE PITS! I WANT THE OLD CONTRACTOR BACK IN HERE BECAUSE YOUR COMPANY STINKS!"
"Uhhh, what was it you were looking for?"
"ALL YOU HAVE HERE IS THIS STUPID KID CEREAL AND I WANT CHEERIOS AND YOU NEVER HAVE THEM!"
I look at the cereal rack for literally half a second, I calmly reach over, take a package of Cheerios off the rack, and hand it to the bitch.
"Well.... WELL IT'S NOT JUST THAT! THIS PLACE HAS TOTALLY GONE DOWN THE TUBES AND BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH..."
People who are conservative not because they believe in limited government power and frugal fiscal spending, but because "them dang liberals want to take our guns away!" This can be easily interchanged with, "them dang liberals are gonna let faggots get married," or "them dang liberals won't let us replace evolution with unintelligent design in school," or "I'm a filthy rich business owner and don't want to pay my fair share of taxes or make sure my workers are fairly compensated and working in a safe working environment," or "My company makes an unsafe product, and I want to make sure I can keep selling it without any restrictions," or "them dang liberals think that women and non-caucasians deserve some sort of rights and respect." Actually, now that I think about it, I don't think there is a single reason to want to be a conservative that isn't based on selfishness, aggressiveness or prejudice.
19 year olds on Myspace that list their annual income as "250k or higher."
"Family values" Republicans that are rooting for Rudy Giuliani who ignore the fact that he has had extramarital affairs, has been sued for sexual harassment, and sued his own ex-wife, who was also his second cousin, because she would not allow him to bring the girlfriend with whom he was cheating on her into their house, which she was still living in, to meet his kids on Father's Day. He had also previously had an extramarital affair with his communications director, and was lifelong pals with a priest who was convicted for pedophilia. He also has a long history of ignoring important events in his family such as graduations and often goes for long stretches of time without talking to his kids, and even his own stepdaughter is rooting against him in 2008.
These same "family values" conservatives also like to accuse liberals of conducting "witch hunts" when their guys like Ted Haggart, Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Jim Bakker, Josh Bolton, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Joe Scarborough, Jimmy Swaggart, Strom Thurmond, David Vitter, Thomas Ravenel, Robert W. Allen, etc. etc., who are all purportedly all pure as the driven snow and wonderful Christians, and in many cases highly motivated against anything un-Christian, homosexual, drug-related, etc. turn out to be deeply involved in illegal, or indisputably non-Christian sex / drug / corruption scandals. I can just hear the reasoning now... "Yes, for years I, Larry Craig, have fought tooth and nail to keep homosexuals from being able to get married. I mean, if they're all happily married, whose dick will I be able to suck in airport restrooms?" Or how about Ted Haggart? "My purpose in life is to preach the word of Jesus Christ and bring his blessing to everyone, regardless of how many gay male prostitutes I have to smoke crystal meth with to get the job done!" I mean, these assholes still make jokes about Clinton not inhaling. How the fuck did Haggart think he would get away with the same excuse? "Well, yes, I was buying meth from a gay male prostitute, but I never used it and we never had sex" Holy shit, that's idiotic. Of course, the problem, as I see it is not that assholes like Haggart and Craig are lonely gay men looking for affection, but that they spent their careers making a shit-ton of money by attacking gays and doing everything they could to make it more difficult for gays in America. It's not the fact that they're gay, it's the fact that they are hypocrites. For instance, Craig was one of the key republicans calling for the impeachment of Bill Clinton. Clinton got some consensual extramarital head from someone he knew from their working relationship. Craig propositioned an undercover cop for anonymous sex in a public restroom in an airport, and then pleaded guilty, and then reversed himself and said he's not gay. He's so full of shit it's amazing. Of course, we're working on a different dynamic, since Craig is a republican, and republicans want him to resign, not just because he did something illegal that displays his hypocrisy, but because as they see it, you can't be a good republican and be gay. Think about this for a second. Republicans spend millions of dollars on campaigns to gain seats in the Senate, and now that one of their guys might be (gasp) gay, they would RATHER LOSE THEIR SEAT than have a gay senator filling it, despite the fact that he voted exactly the way these assholes wanted.
Podcasts with "breaks." Like, if I'm listening to a political debate podcast, why the fuck do I need to hear a song in the middle? If I wanted to listen to a song, I've got plenty of them on my iPod already. If you are making your podcast and need to take a shit, just hit Stop on whatever you're using to record, make a mental note about what you were talking about, and then after you're done, come back, hit record, and just continue talking.
This morning at 6am I was awakened by a huge repetative booming sound that was loud enough to literally make my apartment shake. I looked outside and there was a dump truck and a back-hoe, and they were tearing out the sidewalk. The back-hoe would pull up a five foot by five foot by eight inch thick slab of sidewalk, lift it over the rim of the dump truck, and then drop it from full height into the truck, making the ground shake... AT SIX FUCKING O'CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING!
People who "know better" than you, when in fact they don't know shit, and they even KNOW that they don't know shit.
I tell the cab driver, "I need to go to the Mariott on Jay Street in Brooklyn." He apparently is unfamiliar with the landmark and looks like he's pondering for a second, so I follow up with directions. "Take 43rd to the BQE, then take it to Tillary Street. I'll tell you when to turn." I then start fidgeting with my iPod.
After a few seconds I notice that the car is not moving, and half assume that he's waiting for the right moment to cut across traffic so he can make the left turn to get to 43rd street. I look up and he has a huge map spread in front of him. "Take 43rd to the BQE and take it to Tillary Street."
"I'm just... I want to... Uhh... Get directions."
"Those are the directions. I've made this trip a hundred times."
Reluctantly, he put the map away and followed my directions, and drove SLOW AS FUCK the whole way there.
Copycat tattoos. Great way to make a statement about your individuality, idiot. Do you know how many retards I have seen with those same fucking tiger paws on their cleavage like that rapper Eve? Way too goddamn many.
Magic Johnson used in ads for HIV medication. "Oh, God! Surely Neg isn't going to attack a guy stricken with HIV!" You're goddamn right I am. But what galls me more than this guy making tons of money on his own disease is the message of these ads. The intended message is obvious. "Buy our drugs and you too can live as long as Magic Johnson has with HIV." That way, the pharmeceutical companies can cash in on people desperate to save or extend their own lives. The message these ads convey to me is, "Look! If you catch HIV when you are at the pinnacle of human physical fitness, and have millions of dollars to spend from a long career as a professional athlete, with more money coming in all the time from books, interviews, speaking engagements, and for doing endorsements for pharmeceutical companies, you can probably live with HIV much, much longer than some poor slob with no health insurance who can't even afford to see the doctor for a physical."
Serial killers who get that old time religion right after they get caught. "Y'know. I feel awfully bad for all those 23 elementary school kids that I took out to the woods and raped, and tortured, and raped, and killed, and raped, and dismembered, and raped, and buried... and then dug up and raped again, and then buried again over the years, but everything's changed now, because I finally came to know the Lord, and I know in my heart that Jesus has forgiven me. I've been born again and cleansed by the blood of Christ! PRAISE THE LORD!"
Retards who have been so brainwashed by propaganda that they see muslims as like this comic book villain. I just listened to this deluded asshole rambling about, "They LOVE death. The only thing that makes them happier than killing is dying themselves. We can't set up democracies in the Middle East, because they don't envy our freedom, they just DESPISE it. The reason Muslims have plural marriage and have lots of kids is so they can raise more holy warriors. The Koran is nothing but a manual on how to kill and wage war."
People who know that you have artistic or musical ability that want you to make some art like the art they like. "Oh, Monet's 'Waterlillies' is so nice. Why don't you do something like that?"
Well let's see here. First off, my art is nothing like Monet, Monet's art is cool because it was his idea, and if I did an impressionist painting of waterlillies, that would make me a hack. Pardon me if my artistic vision is not what you want hanging in your precious living room.
"Artists" who have artistic ability who don't see what's wrong with using their skills to just copy other people's style.
People who lump homosexuality and bisexuality in the same category as nymphomania, alcoholism, pedophilia, bestiality, satan worship, murder, drug addiction, rape, terrorism...
Parents who make their kids eat notoriously gross food. Like, you know before you even try that your kid will hate liver and onions, and it's not even a particularly healthy thing to eat, so what's the point, just showing them who's in charge?
The fact that The Daily Show and The Colbert Report went on break on the same day Alberto Gonzales resigned and the story of senator Larry Craig trying to solicit gay sex in a public restroom broke in the media. I got home from work, turned on the TV and sat there waiting to laugh my ass off. Jon Stewart popped on the screen and started his intro. The anticipation was almost too much. Then he started talking about Karl Rove resigning, and I was like, "What the fuck? A rerun?" Seriously, if I was the producer of The Daily Show and we were on break and there was a news day like that, I would say, "Fuck it! We've got a show to do!"
Multimillionaire pro football player Michael Vick just pleaded guilty to charges of funding a dogfighting ring called "Bad Newz Kennels." Today the NAACP said, "As a society, we should aid in his rehabilitation and welcome a new Mister Michael Vick back into the community without a permanent loss of his career in football." Uhhh... AS A SOCIETY WE SHOULD SEE THAT BRUTALLY KILLING AND MAIMING DOGS FOR ENTERTAINMENT IS FUCKED UP ENOUGH THAT THIS ASSHOLE SHOULD BE SHUNNED BY SOCIETY AND CEASE TO MAKE MILLIONS OF FUCKING DOLLARS A YEAR FOR PLAYING A STUPID GAME. I mean, how the fuck can they justify this shit? HE KILLED DOGS FOR FUN! I mean, I know he's black, and the NAACP stands behind people who are wrongfully accused of crimes that they are accused of because of their race, but holy fuck! Pick your fucking battles. THE GUY PLED GUILTY! He fucking DID IT. If he didn't do it, don't you think he has enough money to fund an excellent defense? What a great role model for kids! What a pillar of the community! I mean, he's REALLY, REALLY GOOD AT A FUCKING GAME, and that should exonnerate him from KILLING AND MAIMING DOGS FOR ENTERTAINMENT because, DAMN! HE'S REALLY GOOD AT FOOTBALL! Fuck Michael Vick, and fuck the NAACP for thinking he's "not such a bad guy," or that he deserves our fucking support. I'm sure when Martin Luther King talked about the promised land, he was referring to a place where people who run dog fighting rings deserve our support. You fucks have lost your way.
Doctors, vets and mechanics. Whenever you go to one of these, imagine a dollar amount that seems like a high-ball realistic estimate. Then multiply that amount by three. Then add 200 bucks.
Movies based on well-known traditional stories, where they take massive "creative" license.
For instance, Blade. Here you have a vampire. Vampires do what? Let's see... they drink blood, don't age, and they can be killed by sunlight, a stake through the heart, or decapitation and holy water has some sort of pepper spray type effect on them and they can turn other people into vampires by biting them. But wait! According to Blade, vampires disintegrate when you cut them, even just on the hand, with silver. Hmmm... Silver.... Umm, the directors realize that the movie is about vampires, not werewolves, right?
Hyperconservatives who STILL, in 2007, sound like they're just reciting Dubya talking points.
"You're damn right I'm for the war! Well, we HAD to liberate Iraq from Saddam. He aided the terrorists who carried out 9/11, and he had weapons of mass destruction. Who cares if more Americans have died in Iraq than died in the 9/11 attacks, if you criticize this war, it's clear that you don't support the troops. The Iraqi people see us as liberators, not occupiers. We're fighting the terrorists over there so we don't have to fight them over here. We're making the world safe for democracy. The reason we were attacked is because the terrorists hate our freedom. Of course we need to be able to wiretap all Americans without court oversight. How else will we stop the terrorists from hurting your children?"
Zoos that create enclosures for animals that are focus on realism to the extent that you can't even see the animals. Granted, I don't want to see a 2x2x2 bare cement box with an animal in it, but the whole point of a zoo is that I don't have to delve through a jungle to maybe catch a fleeting glimse of some animal's tail peeking out from behind a rock, which is under a bush, which is growing on a cliff, which is 20 feet over my head.
Magazines about synthesizers that do little feature stories like "20 most influential synthesizers of all time" that don't even mention the Roland TB-303. Like, they'll go on and on about their dumb prog rock, and Emerson Lake and Palmer, and go on a windy shpiel about some huge modular synth that only 10 people owned that gave one Hawkwind song a unique sound, and then they'll feature some synth that was so uncommon that the best picture they can find of it merely shows the synth far in the background in a 1977 picture of Genesis's studio. Meanwhile, they act like techno music is totally insignificant in the history of electronic music. Here you have a genre of music that spawned subcultures and dozens of subgenres and has had significant commercial success and loads of notable figures in popular music for literally decades trying to adopt or incorporate core elements of the techno sound, and Keyboard Magazine wants to go on and on about fucking Keith Emerson month after month. Here's a tip, assholes. Techno is the single largest and longest-lived genre of synthesizer-based music ever. Writing off techno as some sort of fad in the context of the evolution of electronic music is like ignoring the dress when examining women's fashions. Sure, the Minimoog was a great synth, and probably deserves that top position you always give it in your top 20 lists, but you would think that the TB-303, which spawned far more direct emulators than any other synthesizer ever made would deserve at least an honorable mention, particularly before some obscure shit that most synth geeks have never even heard of. Most everyone who's into vintage synthesizers will recognize a 303 before your bullshit Clavitronic ZPX1305 or whatever that sold 200 units in 1979 before the Clavitronic company went out of business after only 6 months of producing them, and the magazine can only cite one or two songs that used it.
People who speak in short blurbs of unclear, nonspecific gibberish who get frustrated when you don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
"So what's up?"
"Hey, sup."
"No, I mean what happened?"
"What happened with what?"
"That guy."
"What guy?"
"You remember.... That guy."
"Uhhh..."
"The guy... Last week. What happened?"
"Guy..... Last week..... What are you talking about?"
"(Loud, annoyed sigh) The guy in the restaurant!"
"Ummmm..... We had a lot of guys in the restaurant last week."
"The guy with the thing.... You know!"
"Guy with the thing.... What?"
"(Even louder and more annoyed sigh) The fat guy!"
"Yep, we had a lot of fat guys too."
"(Super-loud and annoyed sigh) There was a fat guy..."
"Okay...."
"Who came in last Tuesday...."
"Uh-huh..."
"And he had an allergy to onions..."
"AHHHH...."
"And he got some soup that had onions in it..."
"Yeah, I know the guy now."
"What happened with him?"
"Oh, he was fine."
"Oh..... See? Was that so hard?"
"Yes, it was. Why didn't you just start by asking me about the guy with the onion allergy who got the soup?"
*Dumb shrug*
The fact that MTV still uses Techno or IDM for 90% of their station ID's and bumpers, but play none in their programming.
Animal shelters that make it unreasonably difficult to adopt a pet. Obviously you don't want to give animals to the local sketchy Chinese restaurant or a guy with a long rap sheet of dogfighting convictions or a traveling show called "Uncle Meatclamp's Super Vivisection Extravaganza," but if some normal person wants a pet, they should be able to get one. That's kind of the fucking point of an animal shelter, no? To find homes for pets? Recently I have been looking to get a kitten. No, fuck you and your "we only let you adopt full grown cats" shit. If I want a kitten, I'll fucking get one. So one place I checked will only take people by appointment, requires two letters of recommendation by people not in your family, a letter of recommendation from a vet (what if you don't have one?), a letter from your landlord stating that it is okay to have a cat, and they won't let you take the cat with you. They will deliver the cat to you so they can see your apartment and decide if it is suitable for a pet. They also require you to take your cat to them (not your own vet) for periodic vet exams. And of course, they reserve the right to reject your application for any reason without telling you why it was rejected. Adopting a fucking child is simpler. So you've got all these cats and dogs that need homes.... GOOD JOB. You set up all your policies which will ensure that many people just skip over your service and go to another shelter, or (and I know this is one of those things that piss these people off) just go BUY a pet from a breeder or pet store.
People who read that I'm trying to adopt a kitten from a shelter who immediately react by going into PETA ally-finding mode, and praise me for doing "the right thing" or "something noble" by getting a cat from a shelter instead of buying a kitten from a pet store. You know what? I really don't give a shit where I get the cat. I just figured it would be cheaper and easier to adopt rather than buying one. If that turns out not to be the case, (read the entry above) I'll probably end up buying a kitten.
Retards who wear REALLY obvious toupees. Like, I assume the desired effect is, "Hey, that guy has a full head of hair," not, "Mommy, why is that man wearing a fur hat in July?"
Seriously, have some self respect. Look in a fucking mirror. If you look in a mirror and think anything, ANYTHING other than, "There is no way anyone would think this is fake," then we all know it's a damn rug and think you're pathetic. It's not the gradient realism scale that you might think. There's no middle-ground "Well, it sorta looks real." It either looks absolutley like it's your hair growing naturally out of your head, or it's hilariously fake as fuck. Oh, and let me assure you, it IS hilarious, and we DO laugh when you walk out of the room. What's even dumber is that almost every rug I see is not even approaching that "maybe it's real" threshold. If you rate toupees on a scale of "Really? It's a toupee? I never knew," to "Hmmm... Maybe that's a toupee," to "Holy shit, what the fuck is that on your head? It looks like you stamped on a badger until it was flat and then stuck it on top of your head," I would say 90% of toupees rank badger.
Toilets that splash water all over their seats when they flush. If the first law of robotics is robots must not harm humans, the first law of toilets should be toilet water stays in the toilet.
Employees that hide and disappear and fuck off all day, and then when you finally see them, it's because they came out of hiding to tell you that they're going on break.
Cash registers at places like McDonalds that display the "Avg Srv Time." These are always bullshit. The display never shows anything over a minute. Usually the number is somewhere between 40 and 50 seconds, which is ironic, because every time I notice these displays it's because I've been in line for a million goddamn years and have exhausted things to look at so I look at the little display that says 43 seconds and think, "Well, let's see. I was the fourth person in line when I got here, and now I'm the second person in line, and it's been at least ten minutes, so, uhh, BULLSHIT!"
The fact that every single day of my life I don't go to bed until well after the point where I stop, look at the clock, and think, "I am an idiot for still being awake."
That bullshit in Windows Media Player where it's supposed to acquire codecs it doesn't have to play sound and video files. I look at a ton of stupid shit on the internet, and NOT ONCE have I ever seen the little text in Media Player SUCCESSFULLY get a codec. Whenever you see "Acquiring Codec," you know that the next message will invariably be "Error downloading Codec." YOU CAN'T EVER DO IT RIGHT, SO STOP PRETENDING. It's like if someone asked me to use telekinesis to lift an object, and I made a straining face while looking like I'm concentrating, and then I let out a sigh and said, "Sorry, I tried, but I can't." BULLSHIT.
At my job we often get waiters from temp waiter agencies to help us with large events. Occasionally, one of these waiters misunderstands the idea of "temp" and decides to try to get more hours. While some of our better temps get invited to work several times a week, or eventually get hired as permanent employees, for the most part, we usually bring in most of these temps only when it's very busy or we have a particularly large event. One of these temps has apparently figured out the perfect way to get no hours at all. It's as though she's making a guide on how never to get hours from me. I can guarantee she's never going to work for me again. Her technique in assuring this is as accurate and perfect as if she read my mind.
HOW NOT TO GET HOURS FROM ME:
1. Show up to work looking like a slob.
2. Come early so as to try to get extra time in without permission.
3. Do a crappy job.
4. When I call you to ask if you can work, record my personal cell phone number.
5. Call my personal cell phone 5 times every day asking for work.
6. Wait no more than 2 minutes between each of these five calls.
7. Leave a voicemail on every call.
8. Begin each voicemail with the same creepy, disingenuous "Good day, sir."
9. Be the live-in girlfriend of another temp waiter who isn't stellar, and when I call for him, answer the phone and ask if there are any hours for you.
10. Get your boyfriend to ask for hours for you every time he works.
11. Get your boyfriend to call my personal cell phone and ask for hours for you.
Americans who still can't grasp a simple concept: If our only solution is to kill or torture people who threaten and disagree with us, it will make more people threaten and disagree with us.
People who give themselves truly horrible looking amateurish homemade tattoos. There is one word that should stick in your mind above all others when you're about to get a tattoo: FOREVER. Yet, I frequently see these piece of shit tattoos that looked like they were done by some staggering, drunk asshole stabbing himself in the arm with a papermate while looking in the bathroom mirror. The guy sitting across from me on the subway right now is apparently right handed, as he has a cross on the webbing bewteen his left thumb and index finger, and a capital letter N on the knuckle of his left middle finger. It looks as though he was trying to draw on his hand with a blue Sharpie marker while someone was doing that bully big brother "stop hitting yourself" game, and since he probably used marker ink or something, it's faded and pale, and the characters are sloppy and irregular. Oh, and to some, the next point might seem tangential, but I think it punctuates the previous idea very poignantly. I noticed his hands because he had a big stack of lottery scratch-off tickets, which he sat and scratched off, one after the other.
On July 3rd, President Bush had a choice to make.
A.) Let Scooter Libby go to jail and serve his time for the felony charges that a jury in federal court found him guilty of, which was actually a very lenient punishment for treason, and thus save a tiny bit of integrity.
B.) Say fuck it and basically pardon him, tossing what little credibilty you have to the wind, as you once again hold personal loyalty far above justice, integrity and simple common sense. Perhaps this concept eluded you, but sacrificial lambs get sacrificed, and fall guys fall.
Oh, uhh, guess which one he chose.
Of course, the optimist in me would like to believe that he's breaking those last few matchsticks and that Americans will eventually slam their fists on their desks and say, "That's it! This asshole has gone too far! Who the fuck does he think he is?!" But then on the 5th, I was standing in the grocery store line and saw the front of the USA Today. The front page stories were, "Al Gore's son had pot in his car," and "What will we do if Harry Potter dies in the last book?" and then I remembered that they will always get away with their bullshit because Americans are fucking retarded. I went to work and tried to strike up a conversation with a coworker. "Can you believe Bush basically pardoned Scooter Libby?"
"Who?"
About a week later, at a press conference, Bush was asked about the issue and he said he felt that the outcome was fair and that it had "run its course." Uhhh.... FUCK YOU! WE will tell you when it's run its course. Nixon resigned over less. It's like a bank robber stopping in the middle of the getaway chase and telling the cops, "Sorry, guys, but I think this has run its course. You can go home now. Shoo." This situation is over when WE decide it's over. You're the one with some 'splaining to do, and we won't let you shrug us off.
Oliver Stone made a proposal to Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to make a movie about him, but he rejected the idea because Stone was an American, and hence, part of "The Great Satan." ....... HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAH! That guy is a fucking hoot.
"I'll pray for you." You know what? Don't. Obviously you know how fucking condescending this is or you wouldn't say it. It's like a last stab in an argument. "I don't respect your opinion at all. Obviously you're too stupid to believe in the same imaginary being as me, so I will take it upon myself to beg this fake god, not to spare you, but to convince you that he's real so that you too can submit and kiss his ass, and see yourself as a lowly scumbag in need of forgiveness for things that are perfectly natural, but deemed heinous crimes by people who believe in the same fairy tale as me. Hopefully, after you believe the same bullshit I do, he won't decide to destroy you and torture you forever."
Last weekend, treetrunk-necked professional wrestler Chris Benoit murdered his wife and seven year old son before hanging himself. The internet, in true detached-fuckhead fashion overflowed with idiots saying things like "RIP Chris Benoit," and, "It's such a tragedy, he was one of my favorite wrestlers." Look. I know you guys have small brains, as something like being a wrestling fan sort of requires it, but LOOK AT WHAT YOU ARE SAYING. The guy KILLED HIS WIFE AND KID. That is tragic FOR THEM, not for for Chris Benoit. Awww, but he killed himself.... AS HE SHOULD HAVE. The only thing good that came from the incident is that the perpetrator is dead. Of course, they try to retort that he was obviously suffering from mental problems stemming from the use of anabolic steroids, like that will make me say, "Oh... Then I guess he couldn't help it. Poor guy." No. FUCK that shit. A woman and seven year old kid are dead because this asshole wanted to make his freakishly thick neck even thicker. The whole thing is his fault from start to finish, and it's times like this that I wish God was real, because it would be comforting to know that this asshole is suffering somewhere.
Clients who give you twenty pages of instructions for an order, who get furious at you for missing something minor that was 3/4 of the way down on page 17 and is two words long, particularly when the missing thing is fixed in five minutes and nobody but them even noticed it was missing. Like I have this one client that flies off the handle over the littlest shit. The other day she came to me literally red in the face and shaking all over to tell me, "Your waiters put out the coffee and milk, BUT THEY FORGOT THE HALF AND HALF! I SPECIFICALLY SAID I WANTED HALF AND HALF!" Of course, her group had not yet arrived, and the waiters brought the half and half long before they ever did, but she acted like someone had shoved a spear in her mother.
THINGS IN FINAL FANTASY XI ONLINE THAT PISS ME OFF
Yeah, yeah, I made a self-indulgent entry about a MMORPG videogame that most people probably will have no point of reference to, and will not understand 90% of this. Who cares? My page. Tough titty.
1. People who come back from a 6 month break from the game who get pissed off when people don't rush to help them complete missions or get some piece of gear they want. Gee, sorry, but who were you again? Oh, and you need help getting Sea access so you can uhh... maybe go on another 6 month break starting tomorrow?
2. People who come to 1out of 20 linkshell events who get pissed off when other people who show up for 18-20 out of 20 linkshell events get to lot on gear ahead of them.
3. People who join an XP party when they have 15 minutes to play.
4. People who only show up to linkshell events when they know there is a strong possibility that they will get to lot on a piece of gear that they want.
5. People who decide that WoW is really a lot more fun than FFXI, and either quit or start a parttern of playing once a month for an hour, two days after they get an E body, an M body, a Ridill, a Kraken Club, or some other awesome game-breaking gear that their LS-mates would blow a homeless guy to have.
6. People who log on Wednesdays and Sundays at 6pm and log off Wednesdays and Sundays at 9:30pm because that's when Dynamis is going on. Gee, surely that Koga Chainmail shouldn't go to someone who plays Ninja every day. NO, NO! Don't give the Sorcerer's Hat to the guy who is at every single linkshell event as Black Mage! Give it to that guy who plays 6 hours a week and doesn't show up for any other linkshell events!
7. Gee, thanks guys. It sure was great of you to spend hours and hours and weeks and weeks farming Sky against loads of legit US and JP linkshells, and even more Gil Seller linkshells while I was busy levelling my 32 Monk. So... I get to lot the Osode for my WAR since I bothered to show up for Kirin, right? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO? FUCK THIS SHIT!
8. People who level a great job, like BRD or BLM, and then level a crappy job, like PUP, who cry at every linkshell event because they are always asked to come as a non-useless job.
9. People who level ONE job who think that automatically makes them first lot on everything that could possibly pertain to that job, who get sore at other LS members who want to lot against them, since they have 2 or 3 or more jobs, but need the same piece of gear. "Awwww, come on guys. I'm a MNK. Can't you just let me have the Wyrm Beard? I mean, I know 4 other people here need it too, and a couple of them have the other two pieces and could walk away from this fight and simply pick up their Blackbelts, and I don't have any of the 3 parts yet, but, c'mon guys!" or worse, "C'mon guys! I mean, I know I have a Blackbelt, Destroyers, Faith Baghnakhs, 5/5 Shura, 4/5 AF2, Bandomusha Kote, Dune Boots, Kirin's Osode, Byakko's Haidate, Seiryu's Kote and Suzaku's Sune-Ate, and there are a lot of people here who are not even nearly as decked out as I am, but come on, guys! I NEEED a Genbu's Kabuto!"
10. People who act like they are doing their linkshell a great service by missing events so they can track the ToD of some NM that drops something that they want. "Hey, guys, I know you're in the middle of a fight, but I'm standing here all alone in Valley of Sorrows and Aspid is on his third day. So I know there's like a 95% chance that Adamantoise will pop instead of Aspidochelone, and whether it pops NQ or HQ, I definitely can't solo it, so there's no real reason for me to be here and missing a linkshell event, and you know that by the time Aspid actually pops his window will be 4am-7am on a weekday and nobody will be on, but hey - I'm the guy who mentions wanting an A Body 20 times a day in chat, so I'm going to be totally useless until I get what I want.." We literally didn't see this guy for like three weeks. He would log on for windows, and then log off. Why help a guy who plays 3 hours a day, and not with the linkshell?
11. People who show up for Dynamis 2.5 hours late and want equal lotting rights as the people who have been working hard since the beginning.
12. People who do whatever they feel like while their LS camps a land king for 3 hours against 100+ people, who START to head out to camp IF their LS gets claim.
13. Assholes that bot claims so obviously that it gets to be surprising when they don't claim. Like there's this guy who is at Fafnir / Nidhogg almost every day, and about 9 times out of 10 when he's there, HE will get claim. What are the odds? About half the time, there's so much lag that I don't even see the dragon until the claiming LS is already aligned right and fighting it, yet somehow this guy manages to claim... against 100+ people who are all trying for claim... who all supposedly have a nearly equal chance of claiming... almost every time.... Oh, but of course, whenever someone posts on a forum about his obvious botting, which has a history going back a couple of years, he says, "But I use PS2." BULLSHIT.
14. People in an end-game linkshell that miss events due to not having, for instance, Sea access, who don't spend their time on missions that would get them Sea access, but rather, they spend all their time levelling their secondary job 40-something Paladin. Of course, once they get Paladin to 75 they're going to want to lot on gear for it, which is really helpful since they can't take their paladin to Sea to actually be useful.
15. People who want to lot on endgame gear for a job they are in the process of levelling, when there are people at the event that actually have the job levelled to 75 and need the gear. "Can I lot the Byakko's Haidate for my 62 NIN? I mean, I know my only 75 job is WHM, and that there are a bunch of NINs, MNKs, WARs and SAMs here that need it, but eventually I'm going to level NIN to 75."
16. The DRG acceptance thing. Sure, DRG is a fun job, but for the most part, sad to say, all it is is a non-specialized melee DD class that is outperformed by other classes. So what do so many DRGs do? They get on the soap box and cry and cry about how DRG should be given a chance, how DRG is just as good as other jobs, and how people are stupid for poking fun at it. Can DRG do good damage? Sure they can, just usually not as good as many other classes. If you have WAR and DRG levelled, and you show up to an HNM fight as DRG, sorry, but you picked the wrong job. Go back and come back as a WAR. The HNM LS you want to join says they don't need any DRGs? How about instead of crying about how it's so unfair, why not level a few different jobs so they can invite you for a job they DO need? What's even dumber is when DRG's cry about not being invited to a pet LS. Look, when you can send a disposable pet after a monster, and have that pet tank for you as you issue commands to it, fine, you're a pet job. As it stands now, you would have to melee, which would basically turn you into the tank, and a large part of hate balance in a pet-job alliance is not having to heal people, but rather letting pets fight, and die for you. If a DRG loses his pet, he's nothing more than a second rate melee DD for twenty minutes.
17. People who feel that they are "next in line" for a certain drop when lotting rights in their LS aren't determined that way, then when the thing drops, and other people are allowed to lot against them, they flip out.
18. Startup HNM linkshells that fight HNMs for like 2 weeks until the leaders all lose interest and the LS quickly transforms into nothing more than a social LS where nobody ever feels like fighting anything.
19. People who forget that this is a social game, who do utterly shady shit like steal high-ticket items from other players or team up with Real Money Trade players from China or bot claims, who think that people will just forget and let them enjoy the benefits of having a good reputation, like being in a respectable LS with a good reputation. Like this one douchebag I know formed a linkshell that incorporated bad-rep North American players with Chinese RMT, and borrowed some "friends'" accounts, which he used to tele-hack Padfoot claims. He then sold tons of Astral Earrings, H kotes, etc. and sold the gil to an RMT website. The accounts of the people he used were then BANNED for telehacking, leaving his "friends" completely screwed out of the characters they had been working on for 3 years. Then since no respectable NA HNM LS would touch him with a ten foot pole, he joined a Japanese linkshell that has a long-standing reputation as the worst botting linkshell on the server, Wizardry, which almost all NA HNM hunters refer to as "Wizbot," which employs mostly JP players with a dash of the absolute worst NA trash on the server. Of course, since Wizbot is at pretty much every HNM camp and bots claims, this guy gets a lot of opportunities to fight HNMs that he never got to fight before. How does he see his situation? "I'm in the best LS on the server." Fuck you in the asshole. Enjoy being in the LAST LS you will ever be in, because no NA shell would even think about touching any of the trash in Wizbot.
20. People who use their bazaar not as a place to sell things, but as a trophy case, or a display of gear they will have once they gain a few levels. Fuck that shit. I wanted to see if you had anything interesting to sell, so you can take that Seal of Genbu, that Third Virtue, that Odorous Knife, that Giant Donko, which are all priced at 99,999,999 gil, and shove them up your asses.
21. People who use their bazaar to sell completely worthless bullshit. Look. Put shit in your bazaar if the cost of listing a slow selling, high value item on the Auction House would kick your ass if the thing came back after three days unsold. Fuck your insect wings, Yagudo feathers, rabbit skins and water crystals, newb.
22. People who price things in their bazaars with no concept of competition or supply and demand. Like, you set up your bazaar mule in Rolanberry Fields. You are selling a Fomor Codex. You price it at 200,000 gil. The bazaar mule next to you has been standing there for two weeks with a fomor codex for sale for 80,000. What do you do? "Duurrrrhhh, PEOPLE WILL BUY MINE BECAUSE IT'S LIKE STARBUCKS WHERE PEOPLE IMAGINE THAT 'EXPENSIVE EQUALS BETTER!'" Then a week later, both mules are still standing there, one with a codex for 200k, and one with a codex for 80k. Meanwhile, another mule has sold four of them for 60k each in the same time.
23. People who fail to grasp extremely basic concepts about game and party mechanics even at somewhat advanced levels. I mean, you made it to The Boyhada Tree (somehow). Shouldn't you have figured out that 60-65 is not a reasonable level gap for a party? Shouldn't you realize that a Paladin isn't an evasion-based tank that should gear up in a Scorpion Harness, Bat Cape, etc? Haven't you realized that Summoner/Black Mage eats ass? Haven't you realized that crabs are annoying as shit and slow, slow xp without a dispeller? Haven't you realized that Dark Knight shouldn't eat mage food? The other day I was invited to two different parties to main heal paladins as the only mage in party on my 57 BARD. "Who's main healing?" "You are." "Uhhh, I have 138 mp. That's like 3 cure 3's." "What? Why do you have so little mp?" "Because bards have no native mp. Any mp I have is from my subjob." "Hmmmmm..." Don't hmmm me, you retard. You're acting like your failure to understand this game is somehow my fault.
24. Retards who go on FFXI job forums, and instead of asking for advice on how to play a job better, or share some interesting and testable discovery they have made (preferably with proof) , they either lie and make grossly exaggerated claims about something they have accomplished with the job, which experienced players can instantly spot as false,
"I was meleeing on my summoner and I had a fully merited WAR in my party with a Ridill and my meleeing was making him look sick. My Carbuncle's Pole was outdamaging him by at least 75%. Also, I was subbing BLM, because healing is for sissy WHM's, and my nukes were outdamaging the party's BLM by at least 200 damage on magic bursts."
or they go into some dorky fanfic about how the job would be so much better if Square Enix would change a zillion factors of the job (which of course, they would never in a million years do) to make it so absurdly overpowered that nobody would ever play a different job ever again.
"I have a proposal that would totally fix the summoner job. First off, summoner should be given main-job level elemental magic skill, which would make subbing black mage totally awesome. Also they should make avatars and spirits completely free from perpetuation cost. That way we could keep them out all the time. Also, they need to make our avatars do, at the very least, as much damage as a black mage or a warrior. Maybe give them double/triple attack, and en-spell damage. They should also raise summoner's base DEX and STR and give them an A-class rating in a good melee weapon class like axe, great katana, etc. and make it so they can equip good melee gear like E-body."
25. People who flat-out refuse to buy NEEDED items for their job because of cost.
"Why aren't you using utsusemi?"
"I'm not tanking."
"But you are supposed to be tanking."
"SHUT UP! NINJA IS NOT A TANK CLASS! IT'S A DD CLASS!"
"Umm, I hate to break it to you, but in 99.999% of parties you will be expected to tank."
"Well fuck that shit! I won't do it."
"Then you won't get parties."
"Whatever."
"Okay, so can we please get some XP? You're tanking, so fire up the shadows and let's do this."
"I don't have utsusemi, and even if I did, I can't afford the tools to use it. I got like 1000 gil."
*KICK*
Today I kicked a Red Mage when he would not try to silence mage mobs. Red mage's primary function is to enfeeble monsters with spells like silence and paralyze and slow so they can't act.
"Try to silence those."
"I can't."
"What, they resist?"
"I don't have silence."
"Why not?"
"That shit is overpriced on the AH. Maybe you should buy it for me if you're so insistant on my having it."
I looked up the silence scroll on FFXIAH.com.
"It's 500 gil."
"So?"
"So that's NOTHING."
"Yeah, well I got 275 gil so I ain't getting silence."
"SO GO FARM."
*KICK*
To give you an idea how much 500 gil is in FFXI, if you were walking down the street and found an old rotten orange peel in the gutter, it would probably sell for 2000 gil. Even a low level character could very, very easily make 500 gil almost by accident in minutes. If you're levelling instead of farming, when you lack an essential spell that costs 500 gil, seriously go fuck yourself.
26. Assholes who think that XP time or Dynamis time or HNM time is skillup time. I was partying with this Thief who would hardly ever melee, but would spam his crossbow the whole time. His skillchain partner would have 300 TP long before he had 100. Finally I was like,
"Dude, what's with the crossbow?"
"Huh? Oh, I'm trying to skill up."
"Yeah, but you never hit, so you get TP slow as hell. You're hurting our efficiency a lot."
"Well that's because my skill is only 73." (skill cap at his level was like 200, so of course he's hardly ever going to hit an XP monster, which also means that he's almost never going to get skillups anyway, since your skill only rises occasionally, and can only rise on hits.)
"Well, you can skill that up on your own time. As it stands now, you're not doing anything meaningful for this party. Stop trying to skill up your marksmanship and just fight so we can get good XP, okay?"
"I'll do what I want."
*KICK*
Another time I was levelling NIN, which is expensive, and sort of a basic concept is, the faster the mob dies, the less tools the NIN uses. So over the course of a level, the cost can be either significantly reduced or increased based on how fast mobs are killed. Having a BLM in a mid-level party can definitely shorten kills, so when I got in a party with one, I tended to have a pretty positive outlook. Then, about 20 minutes into this party I noticed something. It had been a while since I had seen an elemental nuke, and the BLM kept aspiring non-mage anticans. Then it clicked. Bio..... Drain..... Aspir.... Bio..... Stun... Bio..... Bio..... Bio.... Drain.... Aspir.... Bio.... Bio....
"DUDE! Will you stop skilling up Dark Magic Skill and play for real?"
"What's it to you?"
"It's money down the drain because we're killing too slowly and it's wasting tools."
"Pfft. You should have known NIN was expensive when you started levelling it."
"Yeah, but I'm here so we can all get XP. I'm not paying for tools just so you can skill up."
"Whatever." He warped. Good riddance.
27. People who join an XP party and then go AFK for-fucking-ever. So either you're standing there like dorks waiting for this asshole to stop jacking off, or you try to fight without him, so you're working harder to compensate for only having five fighters, and meanwhile this dick is getting XP for free. Isn't it amazing how these fuckheads always seem to magically come back right as the conversation shifts to "Maybe we should kick him, He's just leeching."
Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack... huh? Oh, shit. They're gonna kick me. "/p I'm back""
28. People who form a party that simply cannot work who try to make the best of it to a stupid extent. "C'mon guys. Sure, I would like more DD's, but all I could find was 4 PLD's, 1 WHM and 1 RDM. Now we can stand here and cry about it or we can try to fight and get annihilated in epic 10 minute fights against monsters that give us 80 xp a kill. So let's do this!"
29. People who either say nothing before leaving a party, or alert their party that they are leaving like this:
/shutdown ....
*Executing shutdown in 30 seconds.......
*Executing shutdown in 25 seconds.......
*Executing shutdown in 20 seconds.......
*Executing shutdown in 15 seconds.......
*Executing shutdown in 10 seconds.......
*Executing shutdown in 5 seconds.......
/p Thanks for the party. I gotta go.
*BLIP*
I had a fucking white mage do this to me tonight about 1/4 into a fight and the tank ended up dying. OH NO! WE DON'T NEED A WHM FOR THE WHOLE FIGHT! YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD AND DISAPPEAR WITH NO WARNING
30. People who get all indignant and pissed off when people point out that they are fucking something up. Now, I'm no great fan of these know it all players who end up on 4 out of 6 blacklists everytime they join a party because they won't shut up about how much better everyone could play if they just did it their way, but if someone does something really fucking bad, or repeatedly fucks up, you should be able to tell them without them having a hissy fit.
Tonight I was in a party on my BRD and this 30BLM/NIN (har-har) who was dual-wielding wands kept "accidentally" popping Firaga and hitting nearby Opo-opos. First off, you never pop AOE (area of effect) nukes when there's the possibility of hitting nearby monsters, and secondly, we were fighting Sahagins, which are strong to fire anyway. He did it twice. The first time I was able to Horde Lullaby and nearly got killed in the process as we tried to handle a Sahagin and two Opo-opos. The second time he did it, I was the only one to make it to the zone alive, since the BLM died quickly, the RDM went down almost immediately from trying to heal him, and the PLD went down from trying to tank 2 mobs at once with no healer. Say what you will about the sleeper bailing, I tried to sleep them, and then hauled ass, because a party with a dead healer, BLM and PLD generally can't pull off a whole lot of miracles.
Once I zoned, I was like, "Dude, what's with the AOE?"
"Well, it's a strong spell."
"YES, but it hits nearby mobs, which then kill everyone."
"Whatever. You should have slept them."
"Uhhh, I tried to, however, if you had not hit them with AOE, there would be no reason to sleep them, right?"
"Whatever."
"And what's with the overnuking? You fire off your heaviest nuke as soon as the monster is pulled and it spends the whole fight running all over. You nuke it hard, get hate, get hit, then as soon as the PLD gets hate back, you nuke it hard again and pull hate again. It's not even like you're using Utsusemi, so what's with the /NIN?"
"FUCK THIS. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY I PLAY, I'M OUTTA HERE!" At this point he homepointed to Whitegate.
"No. I don't like the way you play, and think the party will be much better now that you're gone." It was.
Oh, and sort of a scary punchline for this... I did a search for him a few minutes later, and he was on his 74 RDM. A 74 RDM with no BLM sub... that doesn't know not to fire off AOE in a crowded XP camp with monsters strolling through it. I guess you really can level up just as a refresh whore. Fucking pathetic.
31. That fucking annoying lag shit where you keep running into the same guy in front of you over and over. To explain, when you run into someone, you stop for a second, then walk through them. If they are running the same direction as you, but slower, this will cause you to never pass them until you go around them. What happens with the lag glitch is someone is running in front of you, then it looks like they stop running. Then you run into them, stop, then keep running. Then a couple of seconds later, the server unlags their character, and they apprear in front of you again, and then THEY STOP AGAIN, and you run into them and stop AGAIN, and this happens over and over and over, and the only way to get around this is if you luck out and go in a different direction, which hardly ever happens in lag-o-riffic places like Dynamis and on the way from the Auction house to the Mog house in Aht Urhgan Whitegate.
32. Food-optional people with gimp-as-fuck gear in XP parties. Gee. I sure am glad I broke the bank on good food and gear to be a much more efficient player so we can still get shitty XP per hour because you can't hit the mob and when you do, you hardly hurt it.
33. People who form a party specifically designed so they don't have to perform their job. The other day I was seeking party on my White Mage. I get a tell asking if I want a party. "Sure." I join, and the party is just the leader and me so far. The leader is a Summoner. Summoners are, for the most part, XP party healers. This fuck went looking for a white mage FIRST to ensure that he wouldn't be healing before even considering what other jobs would be in the party. He then got a Red Mage, a Paladin, and a couple of damage dealers. Of course, as I predicted, XP was slow as fuck, because that's what happens when you sacrifice a strong damage dealer slot for some selfish summoner who thinks his little Carbuncle is a brute who can dish it out. Asshole. After about an hour and a half of getting 2.5k XP an hour, I decided to escape. I said that I had a LS event to attend, and suggested that they get a DD to replace me. He didn't search for a DD. He looked for another HEALER to replace me. When he couldn't find one, he threw up his hands and said, "Well, without a healer, we're going to have to disband the party," to which pretty much everyone said, "Uhhh, why don't you just get a DD and then you can heal." He replied, "HAH! {Healing magic}{No thanks}." So the party disbanded... Then I sent tells to all the other previous members of the party, invited them to a new party, invited a Warrior in place of the Summoner and we went back to the same camp and made about 6k XP per hour for the next 3 hours.
34. People who lie to me about how little money they have when I am tele-taxiing. Pretty standard rates for tele-taxis are 1000-2000 gil, with some people being cool and giving you 5k or more occasionally. Then you get these assholes who you know as high-level players, and are obviously wealthy in game, who shout for a tele and then give you a run-around on the price.
Douchebag: "Teleport: Vahzl, Can I have it?"
/pcmnd add Douchebag.
Neg: "Hello."
*Douchebag offers to trade with you.*
He puts 237 gil in the trade window.
Neg: "Ummm..."
Douchebag: "That's all I have. I'm sorry ; ;"
Neg: "Okay there, mister Haubergeon +1, Dusk Gloves +1, Speed Belt, Unicorn Leggings +1, Juggernaut."
*Trade Cancelled.*
/pcmnd leave
/blist add Douchebag.
35. Cheap-ass tippers like the guy above who think I owe them a teleport because I took them before. I had this guy yesterday tip me 300 gil. I thought, instead of standing there and arguing about how small the tip was, I would just go ahead and take him. So he gets to LaTheine Plateau, dies, homepoints, then 5 minutes later is shouting in Jeuno again for a teleport. Then he starts following my character around and sending me tells, "C'mon, man! Help me out! PLEASE!" and trying to initiate trades with me as I pretend I don't see him.
36. Gear with stats that don't make any sense. I mean, Artifact and Relic armor are made FOR a particular job, SO, wearing that armor shouldn't make you a gimp, but often it does. Like if you're a 60 Thief and you're wearing your full artifact armor, you're gimped because far better gear is out there, some of which is cheap. Right now I'm levelling Bard, and 2 out of 5 of the artifact pieces are good. The rest are pretty pointless. Plus evasion on a Bard? Plus parrying? Plus Strength? 99% of the time, these don't help you, so why put the stats there? What's sad is MOST jobs are like this. It's like SE just tossed a bunch of stats at you without any logic behind it. 2/5 of the WAR set is worth using. 3/5 of the NIN set is worth using. 1/5 of the SMN set is worth using. Of course, even some of those are just situational and better gear is out there. Why bother?
37. The fact that SE still hasn't implemented a system where you can seek a party on a job you are not currently playing. For instance, let's say I want to level on my 22 DRK. This job is basically too damn weak to kill anything near the area where you would XP it. So I get to stand there LFG like a dumbass or try to find party members. If I can't find the right jobs, I basically just stand there and wait, maybe for hours. If I could seek on one job and play on the other, I could be out and about farming on my 75 THF, but the way SE designed it, it's as though they would rather you just waste shitloads of time
38.Ninjas who totally don't get the concept of tanking. Generally speaking, Ninja tanking is about keeping hate, evading attacks, avoiding attacks by using shadows, dealing damage, and some minor enfeebling. Then you get ninjas who think it's about dealing damage, and dealing damage, and dealing damage, and dealing damage and also dealing damage, and who cares if I have the defense of a wet paper bag and the evasion of a cinder block stuck in the mud, and can't keep hate for shit and the healer is dumping tons of MP by healing me because I get hit constantly, as long as I'm dealing damage, everything is peachy.
39.People who join a specifically HNM / Endgame linkshell seemingly with no urge whatsoever to participate in any endgame activities. They have a job at 75, have a couple of friends in the linkshell, and get accepted as a member. From that day on, you see them only occasionally in the linkshell, and whenever you see them in person, they're just crafting or xping some low level job or maybe doing some low level CoP missions. These guys come in two subsets. Group A are the guys who hardly speak in LS, maybe log on once or twice a week, and everytime they say "Hi" everyone is amazed to see them, and Group B which talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, and inadvertantly constantly remind everyone that they're online, not afk, generally not busy, and NOT attending linkshell events, and you wonder why the fuck they're there.
40.People who either get caught or openly admit to hacking, botting, ripping people off, buying massive amounts of gil, etc. who don't then fuck off, but instead keep playing and keep doing the shit they were doing and could not give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of it. This is a SOCIAL game. If you are playing a social game, and everyone in it thinks you suck assholes and see you as a cheater, a liar, and all around douchebag, and the only people in the game who like you are all the other douchebags who got caught for similar stuff and everyone hates, maybe, just maybe, it's time to quit.
40.Gear that is either heavily camped or costs a million gil that you will use from level 32 to 39.
41.People who fill up forums with either how-to guides or requests for advice on how to level a job from 1-18 or 1-30 or 1-40 or some other cheesy shit. How do you level any job from 1-40? Play it for a week. Yeah, but what gear do I need? Fuck it. Something cheap. Yeah, but what food should I use? Who gives a shit? Yeah, but what should I be doing in parties? Use your fucking common sense. White mage? OH GEE! I GUESS MAYBE YOU SHOULD HEAL PEOPLE. Paladin? OH, I DUNNO, MAYBE GET SOME DEFENSIVE GEAR AND TRY TO KEEP HATE. Monk? PUNCH SHIT. Stop being retarded. You almost certainly know what needs to be done, so just fucking do it.
42.While I like levelling up a job without breaking the bank, new gear gives you something to look forward to, so I hate jobs where you get some rinky-dink piece of gear at like level 14 that can be crafted by someone with level 12 bonecrafting and costs like 2000gil, and it's indisputably the BEST thing that can go in that slot until nearly the end game.
43.Gear like Dune Boots, Carbuncle Mitts, Rostrum Pumps and Galliard Trousers that have great stats and look like total newb wear. Seriously, SE? You really couldn't be bothered to make a new model for the best boots Monk can equip, so you used a model for level 7 Leather boots?
44. Uncreative, unoriginal character names. Any name that incorporates any other following: Dark, Death, Shadow, Sesshomaru, Sephiroth, Cloud, Alexander, Angel, Master, Ragnarok, etc. Lilchamp, Lilbuster, Lilbully, Lilstomper, LilANYTHING.
Fucking 16 of them online at 2:30am. Jesus fucking shit.
45. The "Party or stagnate" phenomenon that is a result of the way partying and XP were designed. Either you party, or you try to solo and probably get annihilated and definitely get shitty XP. Essentially, almost all parties need a tank, a healer, a refresher/enfeebler/enhancer and an assortment of damage dealers. The problem is that there's often nobody seeking a party at your level with one of the jobs you need to form a functional party, and there's almost always WAY too many damage dealers. The other end of the spectrum is that if you are levelling a tank job or a healer job, a party only really needs one of either, and more than one will slow down XP. So you might be seeking a party all fucking day, or spending all day waiting for people with the right jobs at the right level to log on and be willing to party. You're a Paladin seeking? Nobody needs a paladin? Tough shit for you. You're a melee DD with the best gear available? Hang out in Whitegate with the other 8 melee DD's your level who want a party. Add to this the fact that even with good parties at the mid to higher levels, you might take several hours to get a single level, and soloing a level might take upwards of a few days, and you're pretty screwed if you can't get fast invites to great parties that last a long time.
46. BCNM / KSNM ripoffs. You start collecting Kindred Seals. As the weeks and months roll by, you see the stack get bigger and bigger, and imagine that once you get 99 of them, you can take your linkshell to do a KS99 run. Finally, after a couple of months of levelling, you have enough seals and trade them in for an orb. 18 people in your linkshell set aside a time to do your KS99 run. You go on Lightsday at 100% Full Moon. The potential exists for you and your linkshell to make a few million gil, or perhaps acquire some near-priceless item, to be split up according to your agreements. You trade the orb, everyone enters. Everyone shows their skill, a few people die, but you win. You click the Armoury Crate... 2 Mahogany logs, 1 Petrified log, a Oblation Abjuration, a Wyvern Scale, an Iron Ore, a Phoenix Feather, an INT Potion, a Demon Horn, a Ram Horn... Congratulations! You just got FUCKED.
47.People who flood FFXI forums with crying and complaining every time there's a even a minor update that doesn't include their job getting something major and game breaking. "Well, it looks like SE FUCKED US AGAIN! Sundi vaguely alluded to summoners getting 'something' 'soon,' but we didn't get Bahamut as a summonable avatar in this update, so he's FULL OF SHIT! It's like SE has it out for us summoners! GOD! Why do I even play this game?! WAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" Seriously, why do you even play this game? Stop. And stop flooding forums with your bitchy whining.
48.People on FFXI forums who can't answer a question like "Which is better, Axe A or Axe B?" without showing their college level math. Okay, you're nerds. We get it. It looks like one of those equations that astronomers would use to determine that Asteroid 469A127 will crash into Ganymede in the year 7312 at 4:35:21 GMT in the afternoon, with the force of the impact altering Ganymede's orbit around Jupiter by 0.000000002457 degrees. You don't need to show us some giant trigonometric equation. Just answer A or B, asshole.
49.Look, if the last word in your job name is "mage," and the first word is not "blue," GET THE FUCK OFF THE FRONT LINE, IDIOT! That goes triple for Summoners.
50. People who farm or craft NEVER, who do nothing but talk about wanting some amazing and outlandish piece of gear that it's improbable you would ever be able to afford to buy even if you did nothing but farm and craft for 17 hours a day, 365 days a year simultaneously on four accounts for a year.
51. People whose gear is 99% dogshit and 1% rediculously amazing. I am looking at a level 75 Thief. His gear is as follows: Gully, Empress Hairpin, NQ Scorpion Harness, Dragon Leggings, Life Belt, Spinel Ring x2, NQ Amemet Mantle, AF1 Hands, AF1Legs, Coral Earring x2, NQ Heavy Crossbow...... KRAKEN CLUB. FUCK YOU!
52. SE one day decided, "Hmmmm, Gil sellers seem to be monopolizing NMs like Roc, Simurgh and King Arthro, and then they drive up the prices on their drops, and the only people who can afford to buy them are probably gil buyers. Fuck this, let's make their main drops Rare/Ex. That'll stick it to those RMT assholes!" They forgot one little thing.... Those NMs also drop very expensive crafting items. So now instead of the RMT's monopolizing Strider Boots, Speed Belts and Healing Staves, now they're out there still attempting to monopolize those NM's, but since the main drops are monopolized, but not even in the market. So now you have fucking RMT USING velocious belts, while regular players STILL have to compete against RMT just like before. How about this. Why not just FUCKING PAY ATTENTION to who the gil sellers are, AND FUCKING KICK THEM OUT OF THE GAME? There are rank 10 gil sellers with god gear, rajas rings and AF2 that have been on my sever for fucking YEARS. Paying the slightest bit of attention would have gotten rid of these scum bags a long time ago. I mean, all the PLAYERS can tell who the RMT's are. Why can't SE? SE should know better than the players when there's some characters who have been killing the same NM's in Quicksand Caves over and over and over and never even leaving the zone and handing all the drops to courier characters for 432 hours solid without logging off once. I mean, gee. It wouldn't be a dead giveaway that there's 18 characters always in alliance who are at EVERY HNM camp, with no linkshell named Happyday, Happysky, Happygame, Gamehappy, Happygirl, Happyboy, Happymoon, Moongame, Moonsky, Gamegirl, Happyluck, Luckboy, Luckgirl, Luckmoon, Moongirl, Luckgame, Luckhappy and Lucksky, but if you report them, SE says, "Ummmmm, what evidence do you have that they are engaged in RMT activities?"
53. People who have been playing almost every day since the NA release who are just about to ding 62 on their highest level job.
54. People who either don't know an NM's spawn terms, don't understand game mechanics, or otherwise are just shitty at claiming, who think that since you can claim against them, you must be botting. Like at Mee Deggi, the placeholder is easy to spot, and easy to time. A simple kitchen timer can be used to know when the placeholder or NM will pop. "What the fuck! Bullshit, man! You pop flee and then the NM pops 5 seconds later? Fucking hacker asshole."
55. People who are camping against you for some NM, and it's perfectly obvious what you're both there for, who get chatty and start asking questions. "Hey.... Whatcha doin'? You camping the NM? Do you speak English? ...... You know, it wouldn't hurt you to answer me. Have you been here long? Do you know when the NM popped last? Oh, is that the placeholder that you're fighting right there?"
56. Blatantly obvious gil buyers. They play maybe three or four days a week, have maybe a couple of crafts around level 20, don't seem to farm, maybe attend an event here and there, aren't really known for monopolizing high-ticket NM's.... and have a completed Relic Weapon, Kraken Club, Dusk Gloves and Trousers +1, Cerberus Mantle +1, Mahatma Cape, Speed Belt, Full Kaiser set, Herald's Gaiters that they bought, etc. etc. So recently this guy got banned for using a hacking application, which is retarded enough to begin with. Then he makes a new account and comes back. Two weeks after coming back, the guy is sporting full blue-box gear and a peacock charm. OH, NO! You definitely don't buy gil! Perish the thought!
57. People who join an endgame linkshell, who see that 99% of the linkshell is setting up for something that requires a lot of people, I.E. a king camp, linkshell Dynamis, Einherjar, etc. and see the spam in linkshell chat saying, "Come on people, we need everyone here," who think..... "Uhhhhhh.... but I'm camping Leaping Lizzie. I mean, I know i'm 75 on multiple jobs, and my linkshell needs me, and this event was on the linkshell message for the last week, but uhhh... I wanna kill this level 5 NM, so I'm gonna pretend to not see what's going on in the linkshell. Maybe they'll think I'm AFK. Then after I get claim a couple times, I'll probably go level my level 34 Dancer. Of course, when we're fighting an NM I want a drop from, I'll be front and center, and I damn well better get to lot, too, maybe even uncontested." Yeah, I saw your character running around Lizzie camp on my mule while we all waited for your ass, cock eater.
58. Douches who you can always depend on to say something shitty, regardless of what's going on. Someone completes a relic weapon, they will be there to shout in Whitegate and post on forums about how big of a gil buyer that person is. Someone gets a Kraken Club, E Body, Ridill, etc, they will be there to shout in Whitegate and post on forums about how it's a waste for such a crappy player to get such a neat item. Someone's account is hacked, they will be there to shout in Whitegate and post on forums about how it's the person's own fault that the account got hacked and that the person got pwned.
59. Retarded power-nuking Black Mages. Since the introduction of melee-burn, lots of black mages have felt excluded from regular XP parties, and have often had to resort to soloing and mana-burn parties. Want to know why you're excluded? Let me explain. NOT EVERYTHING IS A MANABURN PARTY. You aren't playing for 4 other BLM's and a BRD who all depend on you nuking shit as hard as you can as soon as the mob is pulled. Doing this in a regular mixed melee/mage party will get your ass killed. I partied with this retard today who didn't get this. The party pulls an IT mob. As soon as it is in range, the BLM/RDM casts Gravity on it. He then pops his heaviest nuke on it, followed immediately by stun. The rest of the fight is basically him running around, the melees chasing the mob all over, and then as soon as the melees regain control of the mob, he pops another heavy nuke on it, and the chase is on again, and I'm spamming cures on his retarded ass until I run out of mp and he dies, at which point, he gets mad and says, "DAMN! HAVEN'T ANY OF YOU HEARD OF PROVOKE?" The other end of these guys are the retards who power-bomb HNMs and cause wipes and spike flails and shit. Hey, asshole, You nuke, the mob turns to you, you nearly get killed, and the alliance takes a ton of AOE damage that was directed at you, and then as soon as the tanks get hate back, you're popping Burst II. Stop fucking shit up. You can do a lot more damage if you're ALIVE and balancing your hate than you can by trying to pop crazy numbers on a single nuke.
60. People who XP as RDM/NIN or RDM/DRK. Uhhhh.... Do you see a Dynamis Lord somewhere around here? Are we going to sit back as you solo the XP mobs by blink tanking? No? Then get the right fucking sub, newb.
61. Jackass newbs who join some upstart HNM linkshell that can barely kill Simurgh without mass death, who for some unfounded reason decide that they're badasses and come to every HNM camp talking shit to all the well established and experienced linkshells, and regardless of who gets claim, as long as it's not them, they start shouting, "BOT! BOT!" as soon as the mob is claimed, and continue talking smack even well after the mob is killed.
62. More on supply and demand. Some items are hard to farm or hard to craft, are very good to have, and will generally make a seller a fair amount of money, particularly when the item is in relatively low supply, and usually sells quickly when listed on the auction house. Let's say the history price for an item that drops off an NM averages about 200k. You can look back several months on the history, and one usually sells about every three days, and is 250k on the high end and 180k on the low end. Usually you have to be fairly diligent about checking the AH, as the item sells fast for ~200k, and most of the time, there is not one listed. So I go out and spend time camping the NM, killing countless placeholders, and killing the NM a ton of times and finally get the drop. I go to the AH, and there are none listed. Last 10 or so sold for 200k. I list mine for 200k. Three days later, it comes back in my delivery box, unsold. What the fuck? So I go to relist it, and apparently a lot of people decided to farm this item, and then engage in a race to the bottom, trying to undercut each other so theirs sells first (the one listed lowest sells first, even if the buyer bids much higher than the listing price. For instance, if 10 of an item are listed, and one guy is selling the item for 1 gil, and the others are listing for 190k-250k, and a buyer bids 200k, the guy who listed for 1 gil gets 200k). So I look at the history. In the last three days, the price went from a consistent 200k to 90k to 75k to 60k in three fucking sales. So I just wasted the listing fee for a 200k item, since now, apparently buyers think 200k is a CRAZY amount to spend on a 60k item, even though it's been ~200k for months. So after trying for a week or two, I finally squeeze 80k out of the item, due to low supply. Of course, down the road, when I level a job that needs this item, and find myself in need of one, they are going for 850k and are so heavily camped by RMT that you can hardly expect to get claim ever.
63. Those 3-4 day stretches with unreasonable guild point items. Monday, your GP item gives 5000 points for three items, but it costs 70k to make them, Tuesday, you can get a total of 1200 points, and the item needed is inexpensive, but you have to turn in 72 of them, which ends up not being inexpensive, and not being worth the time, since you only get a measly 1200 points, Wednesday, the item isn't too terribly expensive considering you can get 6200 GP, but the synth requires you to have Goldsmithing sub at 60 and Clothcraft sub at 45, and there have not been any of the item sold on the AH since 2003, then Thursday, the GP item caps at 5000 points, for only three synths, but one of the ingredients needed for the synth sells about once every two months on the AH.
64. Dumbass patches. They reset the servers so all the HNMs pop in JP prime time for the next week, and give us a patch that takes 6 hours to download and install, once you finally get through their horrible update server error messages, and hopefully you will be able to stay connected long enough to get it or it will start ALL OVER, and the patch is nothing but a bunch of bullshit like "adjustments to adventuring fellows," "Adjustments to chocobo raising," "Adjustments to Einherjar (but not to make it easier or even slightly rewarding)," "Changed the title 'Crawler Culler' to 'Crawler-Culler,'" "Adjusted a very hard NM to be very hard again, now that a few people figured out how to make it slightly less than impossible," "Banned 83793873987 gil sellers, but of course, every gil seller you can think of is still there, so they're probably just lying to try to make people happy," "Adjusted our legal agreement so you can no longer sue us for things that you probably should be able to sue us for," "Corrected an issue where you could make decent gil if you expended a fair amount of time, effort, hard work, and ingenuity, so now you cannot make any gil in this manner, because previously it made the game seem rewarding, and we want to maintain it in as unrewarding a state as possible," "Despite the fact that this is the 27th patch since introducing the jobs of Blue Mage, Puppetmaster and Corsair, and the 14th patch since introducing Dancer and Scholar, we will not be including AF2 for these jobs in this upcoming patch, or at least the next 22 patches," "Added new sets of armor and new weapons, which are all very expensive and labor intensive to get, but are only situationally useful 2% of the time over existing gear," "Adjusted enmity generated by certain spells or abilities, so they generate less enmity, since previously it seemed useful to use them for that purpose, and we don't want you to have useful abilities."
65. Videogame Girlfriends. You know what the only thing more hilariously pathetic that not ever having a girlfriend is? Sitting on the beach in Bibiki Bay as the sun rises, in a cuddling position WITH ANOTHER VIDEOGAME CHARACTER. I mean, if this is as close as you get to getting laid, just kill yourselves. I mean, I know this game has a social element, but mostly so you can party with people and kill monsters, not get blue balls while talking to a girl who is probably about as petite, feminine and cute as Andre the Giant.
66. More on dumbass undercutters. It's one thing to undercut people on NM drops, but it's another thing entirely to undercut people on crafted items, particularly HQ crafted items. There is an item that I can craft where the materials for 6 synths costs 10k. Previously, I could break even on NQ synths, and get about 4k profit each on HQ's. This is a pretty reasonable profit, albeit slow money, as only about 4-5 of the HQ item will sell on the AH per day. So what do retards do? They load up the AH with 20 of these things, and mark them down to 1.5k each (with the NQ, which sells even slower, marked down to 200). SO EVEN IF YOU HQ THE SYNTH, YOU LOSE MONEY. GOOD JOB, ASSHOLES
67. People who have four or more level 75 jobs who cry and complain when they don't get to be first lot on all of them, particularly over people whose main job is first lot for an item. "But, but, but, why can't I be first lot on Byakko's Haidate, Novio Earring, Shair Manteel, Riddil, Bahamut's Mask, Dalmatica, Herald's Gaiters AND Homam body? This is bullshit!"
68. The "HQ or lose big" factor in crafting. You spend millions of gil to level a craft. After months of crafting and hunting down or paying out the ass for rare ingredients, you finally reach level 100. So you're gonna be right now, huh? Welllllll, maybe. See, you have essentially spent millions of gil on a lottery ticket. That's because a lot of gear that you can craft now is made of very expensive ingredients, and the biggest potential money makers are high level synths. So.... you buy some rare ingredients, say, a cerberus hide, and you craft it, hoping to get an HQ. Now, either you will HQ it, and be fucking loaded, of you will NQ it, and lose several hundred thousand gil... and chances are pretty fucking slim that you will HQ it, and worse, you might break it, and then you lose millions.
69. People who put forth Z E R O effort and then cry because they have been left behind on missions.
The fact that about 95% of the time, someone who says, "I don't have time to deal with other people's drama," are, themselves, completely characterized by being a huge mess of their own drama. You don't have time because you can't even handle your own.
The fact that about 95% of the time, someone who says, "You know me, I don't like to complain," is someone who complains incessantly about fucking everything.
Girls who learn to pole dance and try to separate its origins from what they're doing. "This isn't something risque, it's just a lot of fun and good exercise." Oh, so pole dancing has nothing whatsoever to do with strippers, huh? You just HAPPEN to be wearing vinyl go-go boots with three inch platforms and you just HAPPEN to be holding yourself up with your ass cheeks. How many calories do you burn when you slide the pole between your tits like that?
Videogames where your enemies are impervious to environmental hazards that would kill you if you ran through them. Like, I understand the concept of a lava monster that lives in lava and is made of lava, and is, hence, not negatively affected by being in lava, but if a bunch of human soldiers are running through a mine field to get me, a mine field, which, if I ran through it would kick my ass, some of those assholes had better lose a leg or there's some bullshit going on.
People who send me an instant message on AIM or whatever, like this...
<Grokmonkey> Hey Neg, guess what man. I got some news you're gonna like.
<Negposorg> What's up?
(A few minutes pass)
<Negposorg> Hello?
(A couple more minutes pass)
*Grokmonkey has signed off*
And then I don't hear from them ever again.
<Grokmonkey> Hey Neg, guess what man. I got some news you're gonna like.
<Negposorg> What's up?
(A few minutes pass)
<Negposorg> Hello?
(A couple more minutes pass)
*Grokmonkey has signed off*
And then I don't hear from them ever again.
People who need to use an electrical outlet who unplug something of yours, who then don't plug it back when they're done. So you have your cell phone plugged into a charger that isn't plugged in, then you go to put it back on your belt clip, and look at it, and it's dead. "What the fuck?"
Preachers who make that idiotic sound at the end of every few words. SO THEY'LL BE PREACHING-AHH, AND THEY'RE GETTING VERY EXCITED-AHH, AND THEY START MAKING-AHH, THIS DUMBASS SOUND-AHH, WITH THEIR MOUTH-AHH, THAT IS SO FAKE-AHH, AND REHEARSED-AHH, AND TONS OF PREACHERS DO IT-AHH. SERIOUSLY-AHH, WHAT THE FUCK-AHH, DO YOU THINK-AHH, YOU ARE ADDING-AHH, TO YOUR DUMBASS MESSAGE-AHH, BY ADDING-AHH, A STUPID, FORCED SOUND-AHH, THAT IS SO OBVIOUSLY CONTRIVED-AHH, AND FAKE-AHH? I mean really, you KNOW you're doing it. At what point in your career as a preacher did you say, "Hmmm, my sermons need something. Hmmm. That preacher I saw on public access was making a ridiculous 'AHH' sound at the end of every few words, and his congregation of dumbass sheep was getting pretty pumped up. Maybe I should just start doing that during my sermon on Sunday. Surely my congregation won't think i've lost my mind and am just being a fraud."
Today I overheard someone say "Janjuary." Oh, and uhhh... I didn't mishear it, because I was standing right next to her and she said it twice. Jan-ju-ary.... No, no... She was a native English speaker.... Yep... Janjuary. Just something I heard..... That's all...... *Brain explodes*
Today I got in a debate with this Christian who used the Gregorian Calendar as EVIDENCE of the truth of Christianity. "Just look at a calendar. What YEAR does it say it is?" (Sideways smile.) Look. All that is evidence of is that the people who made the calendar were Christians. Beyond that, 2007 is a totally arbitrary number. It's like the celcius temperature scale. It's based on the physical properties of water. Water boils at 100 degrees celcius and freezes at 0. This doesn't prove some farout cosmic truth. It just means that whoever decided to make the celcius temperature scale decided to base it on water. IT'S NOT LIKE GOD CAME DOWN AND SAID, "LOOK AT MY PDA! SEE? IT'S FEBRUARY 24, 1582! FIGURE THE REST OUT!" If anything, Catholics just took the Julian Calendar, stuck Jesus' supposed birthday in there, and named the calendar after the Pope Gregory XIII. WOW! THAT'S SO SCIENTIFIC!
Idiots who think that being an atheist means "You don't believe in anything." Uh, fuck you. I believe in plenty. I just tend not to believe in unprovable and highly unlikely things like God, the Easter bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus. I believe in different things than you do. Does your disbelief in the things I believe in mean you don't believe in anything? Of course not. What really pissed me off was seeing a news clip of Christians complaining about atheists' complaints that they were being persecuted. The Christians' main argument was that they were justified in persecuting atheists for their beliefs since atheists didn't believe in anything, so it's not actually religious persecution, and thus, is completely constitutional. Other excuses that they used which are 100% bullshit were: "Freedom of religion doesn't mean freedom from religion," "This is a Christian nation," "All morals come from God so atheists have no morals," "Love can only come from God, so atheists don't know how to love," "So they want to take 'Under God' out of the Pledge of Allegiance. Where does it end?" They also complained that a public school was made to say a Muslim prayer at a football game since a Christian prayer was also said, implying that Muslims do not, and should not, have the same rights as Christians in America. Also, keep in mind that this point was made during a discussion about atheists in America, implying that Muslims are atheists. This was on the Paula Zahn show, which is on CNN, and this even-handed news channel chose as its panel for this discussion: a hardcore Christian supremacist, another hardcore Christian supremacist, and as the voice of reason, a Christian who says basically "I disagree strongly with what Atheists are all about, but maybe they have the right to express some of their opinions.... maybe."
Assholes who make some sloppy, home-recorded amateurish remix of a song, and then distribute it on the internet as a "rare, unreleased remix," as though it's somehow an official release that the band that played the original song had a fucking thing to do with. What's worse is fucktards who download the song, listen to it, don't notice that it just sounds like some asshole chopped it up in Soundforge and then REDISTRIBUTE IT.
Here's the correct chain of events.
1. Some retard splices a Nine Inch Nails song together with chunks of an Amon Tobin Song.
2. Download bullshit song.
3. Press Play.
4. 15 seconds into song, go, "What kind of fucking bullshit is this?"
5. Delete file.
Incorrect chain of events:
1. Some retard splices a Nine Inch Nails song together with chunks of an Amon Tobin Song.
2. Download bullshit song.
3. Listen to song.
4. Bob head to the beat.
5. Copy it to iPod.
6 . Listen to it frequently.
7. Upload torrent to share this amazing find with others.
The only way to redeem oneself from step 7 is:
8. Kill self before dumb genetic material reenters the gene pool.
Companies that see some other company that has a really great business idea or model that makes them almost instantly hugely successful, who then try to copy the idea and make their own business that offers a very similar service that is not nearly are good. For instance, Netflix popped up, and offered a service where you pay a very reasonable monthly fee, and they ship you DVD's in about one day, and include a means for you to return them postage-paid, and they will send you 3 or 4 DVD's at a time with no late fees, etc. and they have a fucking ass-ton of movies. (I don't mean to plug, but I seriously think they kick ass.) Then about a year later, some other company pops up that offers a through-the-mail DVD rental service where you pay about what you would pay at Netflix, but they have 25% as many movies, will send you one DVD at a time, gets movies to you in 4-5 days, has tons of hassles like not shipping your orders, acting like they didn't receive your returns when they actually did, and you have to stamp the envelope for your returns. WHY BOTHER? I mean, seriously, you're supposed to be the COMPETITION, so COMPETE. There should be a reason why you get customers other than because people didn't do any research and picked the wrong company.
Children who don't understand concepts like, "Don't pick the dog up by its tail."
Parents who don't understand concepts like why someone would yell at their child for picking the dog up by its tail and don't immediately take over the role of person yelling at the child picking the dog up by its tail, but instead think you are a horrible person for making their retarded child cry.
I remember when I was a kid I had a pet turtle. One of my little sister's friends was over. They were both about five. I saw the kid walk over to the aquarium and there was an instant panic reaction. It was as though I could see the future for a moment and caught a glimpse of my turtle hurtling towards the ground. The kid picked up the turtle, and I tried to hold back and give the kid the benefit of the doubt. "Be careful. Don't drop it," I said. Anyone who has ever picked up a turtle knows that a healthy one will always do one of two things. Either it will hide in its shell, or it will squirm and try to make you let it go. My turtle did the latter. Five seconds after he picked up the turtle, my clairvoyant vision proved to be true, and there was my turtle with a cracked shell writhing in pain on the cement back porch of my house. At this point I stopped holding back and did what most pet owners would do in a situation where some dumbass has inflicted a potentially fatal wound to their pet. I flipped out. Later, I was told that the kid's parents would no longer let him come to our house because I was mean. Uhh, fine. Fuck you. GOOD. Don't come over, dumbass. I wish you had never come over in the first place and hurt my pet. Better yet, why don't you come over so I can drop you on the back porch from 20 times your height to see if you like it.
Non-spammer spammers on Myspace. You know these people, and I'm not talking about Jen, Mindy, Tara, Michelle, Stacey, and Cassie, who all have 1 friend each and all sent you friend requests in a span of fourteen seconds with pics of them in thongs on webcams with identical porn-site links in their profiles. I'm talking about people who are in a band, or are comedians, or have online auctions, or are promoting a nightclub, who request you as a friend, and they seem legit, then you accept, and three times a day you get a bulletin about how to download their songs, buy t-shirts in their store, bid on stuff on Ebay, see them at such-and-such nightclub next week, etc. Can you say, "Delete from friends"?
People who hear that Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia steal jokes, and are then shown undeniable evidence, who then retort with, "Stop crying about it. Those guys are making millions and have tons of fans. I like Mencia's version better anyway. Don't cry just because you're jealous. You're just a bunch of haters." Uhhh.... FUCK you. Those guys are making millions on STOLEN JOKES. Maybe, just MAYBE, the people who should be enjoying that success are the people who WROTE and first performed those fucking jokes.
Girls who wear shoes that are obviously too small. Okay, so you have huge feet like a seven foot tall man, but you are not making it less obvious by wearing shoes that look like they could explode off your feet at any second. Look. You're wearing open toed shoes, and every one of your not-so little piggies is hanging off the front of the shoes and is on the cement. WRONG.
Clients who expect, nay, DEMAND personal service for simple things that would be faster and easier, for both the client and the service provider, if they just placed the order automatically.
The client goes to my company's webpage, skips past the "Order Form" link and goes straight to the "How to contact us" link.
"Hi, uhh, hello. Hi. Is this Chompy Catering? Hi. Okay. How are you today? I was, uhh, hoping maybe I could talk to someone about booking an, uhh, event. Yeah, uh, I have some bushiness associates coming into town, and, uhh, we were going to have a, uhh, meeting on, uhh, August 12th. Oh, uh, it's going to be on the uhh, 11th floor. Oh, uhh, in conference room C. Uhhhh.... Well, we were hoping maybe to get some refreshments, and uhh, what? Oh, at 8am. Well, it's kinda early so we were thinking maybe we could get some, oh, I donno... maybe some coffee, maybe some bottled water, and uhhh, do you have danishes? How about bagels? Do you have doughnuts? What about croissants? Hmmm.... Maybe we'll just get some bagels. Oh, uhh, it'll be for four people. No, no china. Paper and plastic is fine. Is that all you need? Oh, uhh, I'll be the host, so you can, uhh, put it under Joe Blow... J as in Janet, O as in Omelette, E as in, uhhhhhhhh Ear, B as in Boy, L as in.... uhhhh Loser, O as in Optical, W as in, uhhhh, Weenie. Huh? Oh, the cost center is 4325. That's it? So will you send me like a confirmation email? Okay, thanks!"
Yeah, thanks. Now that I'm done with your staggeringly demanding order for coffee, water and bagels for four, for two months from now, I can call the CEO's assistant back so we can have another planning meeting for that cocktail and dinner for 350 people next week. Hopefully she has picked out which wines, linen, china, silverware, glassware, flowers, background music, candles, hors d' oeuvres, cocktail food stations, appetizer, salad, main course choices and dessert and audio-visual equipment she wants.
Meanwhile, you could have just fucking hit the website, clicked "Order form," and then typed Joe Blow, tab, 4325, tab, 4, clicked calendar, Aug 12, tab, 8am, tab, down arrow, 11th floor, tab, down arrow, C, then clicked Coffee, Water, Bagels, and SUBMIT, and not only would you have been DONE, but you would have instantly gotten a confirmation, and I would have received a completed order sheet AUTOMATICALLY. Welcome to the fucking modern age, asshole.
I am currently sitting across from a woman who is about 35 years old. She is wearing a tank top with a low neckline to show her cleavage... which is covered in a forest of curly, black chest hair.
Paranoid fucks who think you're following them in areas where you really don't have any option other than to keep walking behind them. Of course, the only other option would be to maybe run past them, but that would almost definitely seem more crazy than just walking behind them, and they'd probably start screaming or maybe stab you.
Like today, I was standing in the elevator bank at work. waiting to go to the second floor. There was this other guy there and he kept looking at me. The elevator came and I got in and pressed 2. The other guy was also going to 2 and I guess he didn't feel that the 2 was sufficiently lit up so he pressed again. "Oh shit! He's going to my floor!"
The elevator stopped at 2 and we got off. I was going to the east side of the building. "Oh shit! I'm going to the east side too!" What are the odds of both of us going to the east side? Pretty good, since about 80% of everything of note on that floor is east of the elevator bank. From the elevator bank, there's a long hallway, with literally nowhere to turn off except men's and women's restrooms. Since I wasn't going to the restroom, that put me behind this guy for about 50 feet, and about every 10 feet he would half stop, look over his shoulder and give me a "What the fuck? Are you following me?" look.
GET HELP! Nobody is following you..... you paranoid shithead who I am going to sneak up on and strangle with piano wire as I buttrape your mouth and put my diseases in you.
People who still think putting a Dilbert comic on their cubicle is edgy.
While I retain a deep hatred of flyer assholes, the ones that really piss me off are the ones with attitudes. Today I was walking down the street when I saw fliers scattered all around on the sidewalk where people had thrown them down. Standing at the radius of this circle of litter was this guy with a stack of fliers in his hand looking at me and moving in to cut me off. Almost all flyer fucks do this to basically block your way so they can literally shove their flyer for "20% off men's suits" or "Flashdancers" or "Free shave with a haircut" or some other crap in your hand. It's like being flyer raped.
So I see this guy and do what I normally do. I stare straight ahead as though he isn't there, and don't say a word as I walk past him. This guy, however, was deeply offended that I was uninterested in whatever dogshit he was trying to foist on me. HOW DARE I?
"Pssssht! Whatever, dick!"
"Oh really? What am I missing out on?" The guy looked really confused. "What's the flyer for?"
"Huh? Uhhh, it's a latin band promo."
"Oh, so you're giving me shit for not taking your ad for some crappy band that I couldn't give two shits about? Fuck you."
"Fuck YOU!" The guy looked almost as pissed off as he looked confused.
"All you're doing is creating litter, idiot. Get a real job."
He was a gifted wordsmith. "Uhhh.. Pfff Tsss FUCK YOU!" he shouted as I walked away.
Fuckheads who want to start a mosh pit at EVERY concert. I can fully understand why a pit would happen at a Ministry concert, but if you're seeing Orbital you need to calm the fuck down.
People who go to a concert where there definitely will be a mosh pit, who stand right near the front, right in the middle, and then get bitchy when people around them don't behave.
Recently, I saw Skinny Puppy live. It was the third time I've seen them live. Skinny Puppy is very energetic, very loud, very theatrical, and EXTREMELY noisy. It's a given that there will be a pit at Skinny Puppy. It would actually be really strange if there wasn't. Huge mosh pits turned out to be three for three.
So I'm right near the front, and next to me is this girl who is trying to make out with her boyfriend more than she's really trying to watch the show. So they play Tin Omen, which gets the crowd pumped up, and a huge wave of people surges forward and presses me against this chick and her boyfriend. At this point, I'm basically just trying to stay on my feet and not fall down. Then this bitch starts honking at me. "OH MY GOD! GET THE FUCK OFF ME! GOD! WHAT THE FUCK!"
I'm like, "I'm sorry! What can I do?" And seriously, I have the weight of a few hundred people pushing me forward. So sorry for not being physically able to to stand like the The Rock of Gibraltar as the wave of bodies breaks against me. Should I just stand up straight and hold them back so I don't touch precious Princess Ragsalot? If you don't want to be pushed in the middle of a pit, get the fuck out of it. We all paid the same amount for our tickets. The additional price of the best view in the house is being jostled around a bit. Tough shit. Realize where the fuck you are.
Skim Milk. Seriously, fuck that shit. And while we're at it, fuck the sliced melon and yogurt for breakfast crowd. I never was one of those steak, bacon, eggs, biscuits and gravy breakfast guys, but if you're going to eat a 14 calorie meal for breakfast, just don't eat. There's no point.
Below is a list of things that milk was never meant to be:
Translucent
Blue-Grey
Thin
Watery
Flavorless
Nonfattening
Consumed by women who are average height and 92 pounds who think they are fat.
Milk is a fatty substance and always has been. Think about what it is and where is comes from. It is a fatty substance, which comes from a fatty animal that weighs three quarters of a ton, that is a food source for its fatty, quarter-ton offspring... SO IT CAN PUT ON WEIGHT AND GROW.
If you are still insistent on drinking this weird shit, the least you can do is save some money. A quart of skim milk costs $1.99. However, a quart of whole milk also costs $1.99. First, take eight empty gallon milk jugs. Next, pour 1/8 of a whole milk quart in each of the eight jugs. Finally, fill the jugs the rest of the way with cold water. WOW! You just got eight gallons of skim milk for $1.99! Now you can take that money you saved and shove it up your ass!
Adults who seriously act like three year olds. The other day I saw this girl arguing with her boyfriend. Of course, there was copious yelling and foot stamping, but then she did something truly hilarious. She threw her Blackberry phone on the sidewalk and broke it. YEAH, BREAKING A 500 DOLLAR PHONE WILL DEFINITELY FIX THE PROBLEM AND MAKE YOU HAPPY!
I was already pissed off enough that Paris Hilton was released from jail three days into her 45 day sentence, then, as always, Al Sharpton had to go and make me even madder.
"It had all the appearances of economic and racial favoritism. I think it's another glaring display of how race and money seem to get different treatments. There seems to me a different criminal justice system for some than others."
While his horrible grammar by itself is enough to make my eye twitch, and I do agree that her celebrity and wealth were almost definitely factors in her release, I want to sit Al down and explain something that he doesn't seem to ever understand. NOT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS EVERYWHERE EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY ON THE PLANET EARTH IS A CONSPIRACY WITH THE EXPRESS INTENT OF OPPRESSING BLACK PEOPLE. I mean, I know that's your shtick and all, but Paris Hilton getting out of jail early has about as much to do with black people as the price of orange juice has to do with the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Regardless of her race, if she was a white blonde girl, or arab or chinese or black or hispanic or indian or whatever, if Paris Hilton had all her wealth and celebrity, I have no doubt the outcome would have been exactly the same.
Opening bands at concerts that are so bad that it seems like the only reasons they were picked is to be endured as a test of the headliner's fans' dedication, and because they couldn't possibly upstage the headliner.
People who still act like crop circles have some sort of unearthly origin. Hey, assholes. The people who were making them came clean years ago, and they even showed how to make them. IT WASN'T UFO'S, RETARDS, SO STOP ACTING LIKE THERE'S SOME DEEP SIGNIFICANCE. At best, you could call crop circles art, or maybe a prank. It would also be fair to call them a HOAX.
Somewhat specialty consumer goods, for instance things like headset microphones, that operate on the following quality/pricing scale:
A.) Beyond horrible. Absolutely useless and obviously very cheaply made. Lifespan varies somewhere between 2 months and dead right out of the box. Without a doubt you will be disappointed in the functionality, durability, appearance and reliability. You could not find a worse product if you tried. -- $12.50
B.) A slight step up in quality. It's still basically a cheap piece of shit, but it kind of does what it's supposed to in a half-assed kind of way. It's still pretty much guaranteed to break in under a year of normal use. It looks a little better than category A. -- $37.99
C.) This category has quality ranging anywhere from A to B, but because it's made by some snooty brand like Bose, Sony, etc. it costs a lot more than is justified. It could be a completely sub-functional piece of garbage, but people will buy it and fanboys will write glowing reviews on Amazon, all because of the brand name. Aesthetically, they're awesome. Too bad you can't hear how they look. -- $110.00
D.) The tip of the professional grade iceberg. Usually this is made by some company that the vast majority of consumers has not heard of. This definitely does what it's supposed to do, and does it very well. Fashion takes a back seat to function, but who cares, because it functions extremely well and is very durable. If you buy it, you can pretty well rest assured that you will get years of good use out of it. The downside is that to finally get something that's worth buying at all, you have to pay out the ass. -- $280.00
People who, when they are inconvenienced in a tiny way, act as though you have committed some atrocity against their family.
"Do you have any poppy seed bagels?"
"Sorry, we ran out. We have plain, whole wheat, pumpernickel, sesame seed, onion, cinnamon raisin and everything bagels."
"Pfff, but, but I WANTED A POPPY SEED BAGEL! GOD, THIS COMPANY IS A PIECE OF CRAP. ALL I WANTED WAS A POPPY SEED BAGEL! IS THAT SO HARD? ANSWER ME! I'M GOING TO EMAIL YOUR SUPERIORS, AND IF THERE ARE NO POPPY SEED BAGELS TOMORROW THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY!"
Inconsistent security bullshit.
Like sometimes when I bring someone into the building at work, security wants me to escort them, and they want their driver's license, passport, birth certificate, credit report, police record, FBI file, fingerprints, a blood sample, a hair sample and an imprint of their teeth.
Other times someone just shows up in my office. "How did you get in?"
"They just let me in."
Things that are obviously supposed to be refrigerated that say so on the package. Look. If you don't know that milk needs to be refrigerated, you're too stupid to read "Keep Refrigerated," and if you're that dumb, please don't refrigerate your milk because you deserve to be sick.
People who think they're making some kind of deep connection with people through completely unremarkable interests and experiences.
"Wow, you like 'The Godfather?' I love that movie! Wow!"
Here's a tip. About 99.999% of Americans have heard of, seen, and liked "The Godfather."
People in charge of making announcements who can't even speak English. This morning on the train:
"Dis Queenpwaza, tronfear to N, Dawbew. Nastop Core Hauza Squeer." (This is Queens Plaza, transfer to the N or W. Next stop: Court House Square.) I also liked when he referred to Grand Central as "Gron Cenreel."
Those moments when I get a song stuck in my head that I despise.
I was working on a meeting today and noticed the microphones at the head table.
The thought process went something like this.
"Hmm, I wonder how much that microphone costs.... Oh look, there's a sticker on it. Hmmm, 'King Cole Audio Rentals.' Old King Cole. Nat King Cole. Natalie Cole. Hmm, Natalie Cole sucks. Oh fuck, remember that horrible shit where she sang over her Dad's song? God, what a hack! And all those retards thought it was amazing, and they still play the stupid remake instead of the original song at wedding receptions and shit. I wonder if that bitch would even have a job if she actually had to write her songs..... That's why, darling, it's incredible, how someone so unforgettable, thinks that I am unforgettable tooooo FUCK FUCK FUCK!"
Two hour later...
"Like a song of love that clings to me, how the thought of you does things to me FUCKIN' FUCK!"
People who talk with their hands on the phone.
Motherfuckers who call me and CHEW THEIR FOOD IN MY EAR. Just what I need to brighten up my day. "Hi, smack smack, I just smack wanted to see glitch smack if you had any glick meeting rooms available smack smack for June 7th. Smack glick slop smack..."
FUCK you. That's goddamn disgusting. Do you want me to call you and put the phone directly against my asshole the next time I need to squeeze out a really drippy fart? You probably don't, and that's exactly how I feel about your smacky chewing noises.
People with the complete lack of instincts for self preservation needed to experiment with extremely addictive substances like crack and crystal meth. I mean, most people my age have probably tried pot, maybe LSD, mushrooms, etc, but it takes a special kind of stupid to get into meth. I mean seriously, what's the attraction. Are these people thinking, "I'm trying meth... This should turn out well." There's not a lot of glamour in a drug that makes you lose 100 pounds, makes your teeth disintegrate into little black rocks and makes a 23 year old look like a 75 year old in a year. I mean, I want to have sympathy, but fuck you. I think to myself, would I try something like that? NO. Of course not. Why not? Because I'm not retarded. I hate to say it, but crack and meth addicts really make me stop mourning the victims of Darwin's hit list. The strong survive. The weak say, "Sure, meth sounds like a load of laughs!" Fuck you.
Nerds that wear a black button-down shirt thinking it gives them that "formal, yet edgy" look, when in fact it just makes them look like more of a nerd, since only nerds do this. You want a bolo tie with that? Seriously, all this fashion statement says is, "I have a level 60 Druid." Sorry to break it to ya.
"Do you have any experience in this field?"
"No."
"Do you have any references?"
"No."
"Do you have any degrees?"
"No."
"Did you at least graduate from High School?"
"Uhhhh.... I dunno."
"You know what? That's okay because I'm a slimy dirtbag of a manager, and you're a pretty girl and that makes me horny. I'm going to give you the job because there's an extremely slim chance that you will realize I threw you a bone and then maybe you will fuck me. Of course, the odds of you fucking me are infinitesimal, but hey, I might as well give it a shot. You can start on Monday."
Automatic-stop faucets in restrooms where the function "don't waste water" far overrides the function "let people wash their hands." I, by far, am not one of these OCD people who washes and washes and washes his hands until they are raw, but I just washed my hands in a restroom and I had to restart the faucet FIVE times to wash my hands.
On a side note, OCD is definitely the funniest disorder ever. Sorry, but turning a light switch on and off fifty times to make sure it's off is pure comedy. I'm sorry, and I know people with OCD suffer, and if they suffered in a less hilarious way, I would be 100% sympathetic.
People who submit lyrics to lyrics database websites that are incorrect. Uhhh... If millions of people like a song, it's likely that a high proportion of them know the fucking words, and when they read your submission on the page, their response is going to be, "WHAT? WRONG!"
What's even dumber is when the lyrics appear in the album liner notes, and people don't just copy them over to the page, but instead write down the incorrect shit they think they hear.
Neckties that start disintegrating after you wear them a couple of times. I recently got a tie and the second time I wore it, I took off my jacket and noticed little bits of navy blue fuzz all over my shirt. After brushing it off, I saw that my tie was all furry looking. I pulled at the fur and it came off in my hand easily, leaving a spot on the tie with no navy blue in the pattern.
People who distribute video and music files on the internet in fucked up formats that often require you to install new media player programs. Look. Mp3. Avi. Mpg. That's all you fucking need. What's the fucking point of having eighty million different types of files that need eighty million different media programs to play. Let's see here. Here's a BHF file that only plays in MegaPlayer Pro, and here's a UBT file that only plays in Omni Media Center, and here's a GDO file that only plays in CineSpark Plus, and here's a MMX file that only plays in Media Maestro HD, and here's a URM file that only plays in PowerPlayer 9.0, and here's a FUK file that only plays in Sketchyplayer Adware DeliveryBot.
Here's some perspective. I wasn't interested enough in this movie enough to see it in the theatre. I wasn't interested enough to buy the DVD. I wasn't even interested enough to put it in my Netflix cue, among over 100 other movies that I just stuck in there in case they might be entertaining. I was barely interested enough to hit "download" and will probably end up watching 20 minutes of it out of the corner of my eye while I'm playing Final Fantasy and deleting it. Do you think I'm interested in it enough to install or even fucking BUY some stupid software just to watch it? HAH! Fuck you.
Drug testing in workplaces where safety and public health are not issues. Look. If people in your company operate a crane or pilot a 747 or perform open heart surgery, then fuck yes, your employees had better be clean, but if the most dangerous thing that happens in your workplace is putting the yellow forms in this filing cabinet and the pink forms in that filing cabinet, then fuck you, it's none of your fucking business what your employees do over the weekend.
I'm not saying everyone has to accept everyone else's worldview, but I have met people who can't even grasp the concept that other people even have very different ways of thinking. Here's a summary of a conversation I just had with a 40 year old man.
"So what's the deal with these guys who were plotting that attack on Fort Dix?"
"Basically some muslim radicals were going to try to kill as many American soldiers as possible."
"But... Don't they believe in the Ten Commandments?"
"Uhh... No."
"And they think they'll go to heaven?"
"Apparently."
"But that's stupid. If they suicide bomb, and die, they can't even pray to Jesus to forgive them, so how are they supposed to go to heaven?"
"Uhhh... I don't think they're too concerned about what Jesus has to say about it."
"But don't muslims believe in Jesus?"
"Well, they do, but he doesn't really have as much of a leading role in their book."
Here's one for everyone who has had the pleasure of working in foodservice.
Captain: "Chef, the people are arriving."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "The people are sitting down."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "We're going to take the order now."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "Okay, here are the orders."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "We're going to serve the appetizer now."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "All the apps are down."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "They're done with the apps. We're going to clear."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "Apps are cleared. We're going to serve the salad now."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "All salads are down."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "They're done with the salads. We're going to clear."
Chef: "Okay."
The captain walks to the hot line with 20 waiters who are each holding two cloth napkins for carrying hot plates.
Captain: "Okay, salads are cleared. We're ready."
Chef: "Ready for what?"
Captain: "To pick up entrees."
Chef: "WHAT? You never said you were getting ready to take out entrees! They're not done yet! Come back in 10 minutes! What the fuck! You need to learn to communicate with the kitchen better! You can't just walk in here and go 'SURPRISE! I'm ready to pick up entrees!'"
Turnstiles that have that little annoying delay before releasing. You swipe your ID card, the thing beeps, the light turn green, you walk forward, then get clotheslined.
Perhaps the only thing dumber than all-fluff news shows like The Today Show are those retarded assholes who stand outside the window with their stupid posterboard signs that say shit like "Happy Birthday Steve" and "Go Cats!" I mean seriously, if you ever wondered why New Yorkers were rude to tourists, wonder no more. "Well here we are in what could be considered one of the epicenters of human culture and achievement. What should we do? I know! Let's set the alarm clock for 5am so we can dress up like idiots and go stand on the sidewalk outside The Today Show holding a "Hi Mom" sign for a few hours in 20 degree weather in hopes of being on camera waving like idiots for a fraction of a second, which nobody will even pay attention to or remember."
Nosy fucks who always instinctively probe for more information than you were offering. For instance, you want to show them a picture you took on your digital camera. You select the picture you want to show them, then hand them the camera with the intended picture displaying. They look at the picture for 1.3 seconds, then start hitting the directional buttons to see what other pictures you have stored.
"Hey, that's a cool cell phone. Can I see it?"
"Sure." You hand them the phone.
"Wow, this is nice," they say as they immediately look to see who is in your phone book and try to search for pictures you might have taken.
People who are terrified of completely harmless animals.
People who still believe that the environment is perfectly fine, and that any shift in climate or change in water, air and soil quality, mass extinctions, etc are just natural occurrences, and even if humans are responsible for the ecosystem falling apart, who gives a shit.
People who recognize that the environment is in trouble who think that a perfectly reasonable expectation is that all people on the planet will scrap their cars, buy bicycles, eat only organic food, recycle everything, stop patronizing any company that ever produced more than an ounce of pollution, limit families to one child per couple, stop using paper, stop using plastic, stop using all artificial chemicals, etc etc. I think Bill Maher said it best. "If Americans were told that they could reverse global warming by simply getting up and changing the channel instead of using the remote control, how long do you think it would take them to just be like, 'Ah fuck it.'?"
Oh, and just a little tip for Sheryl Crow... I have thought you were a dumbass for years, but I really never fathomed how bad it was. Do you really think that telling people they should only use ONE SQUARE OF TOILET PAPER WHEN THEY WIPE THEIR ASSES is a realistic way to advance your environmentalist agenda? While I do feel that we are, to an extent, on the same side in this fight, you will have to pardon me if I don't shake your hand.
People who don't speak much English who only understand you if you use English words arranged in a way that native English speakers would not understand.
"Could you take those boxes around back to the freight entrance?"
"Uhhhhh...."
"Boxes take street there, coming left. Big door. Uhhh, truck big door on back for trucks. Boxes take there."
"Ahhh, okay!"
Science is like an unfamiliar road. You walk down the road, and you might have an idea of where you would like to end up, and after walking 100 miles, you stop, compare your expectations to where you are, and think, "What have I learned?" Then, as you look ahead into the distance as the road twists off into the horizon and vanishes from sight, you think, "I have a lot more to learn," and you adjust your backpack and continue walking.
The difference between science and Christian "science" is that in Christian "science" you see the unfamiliar road and say, "If I walk 100 miles down this road, I will be in the middle of downtown Chicago," then, after walking 100 miles, and taking no exits or detours, the Christian "scientist" stops on the outskirts of Paducah, Kentucky and proudly proclaims, "WOW! Chicago sure has changed a lot since my last visit."
If your GOAL is not to discover, but to prove the Bible is true, you are not a scientist.
Anyone who likes or dislikes music based on where it's from. I'm not talking about like Tuvian throat music or J-pop, or Calypso, which have obvious roots that can't really be denied, but like, if you hate a certain rapper because he's from Brooklyn, and you're from "DA BOOGIE DOWN BRONX, AND YO, BROOKLYN IS BULLSHIT, MAN!" ... you're an idiot. The same applies to the whole East Coast / West Coast rap thing, the whole UK / Detroit techno thing, etc etc.
Cell phones, like the one I am writing this entry on, whose vibrating silent ringer is so slight you would need sensitive equipment to detect it. People try to call me all the time, and I feel it maybe once every five calls.
Bands, comedians, etc. that do national tours, and for some unknown reason skip New York City. Oh, right. You go to Beaufort, North Carolina and Muncie, Indiana and fucking Falls City, Nebraska, with a population of 4,500 people, but you skip New York City? Maybe you didn't hear me clearly. NEW YORK CITY. More people in NYC would want to buy tickets to your event than even live in Moab, Utah, so what the fuck are you thinking stopping there and not here?
Swingers or other people in "open" relationships who want the whole world to know that they are swingers and are totally sexually liberated, etc. who are completely physically repellant. Picturing one of them having sex with anyone is just gross, and picturing them having sex with each other is even worse, and picturing them having sex together with any third party is even worse, and picturing them having sex together with YOU is enough to make you throw up in your mouth. Unfortunately, this seems to apply to almost everyone who professes to be a swinger. I've met a few people who said they were in open relationships, and about 1% of them looked halfway decent. The rest were like saggy jello trolls with pedophile mustaches and gorilla-like shoulder hair, and that's just the women.
People who use my work computer without asking, and are then deeply offended when I ask, "Uhh, what are you doing?"
Let me explain something. There is one thing I hate more than having fucked up popup ads and spyware and shit, and that's looking for a job because Tubgirl found its way into my history on my work computer.
People who use recreational drugs who think that every rock, techno, industrial, etc. song is about a drug experience.
People who like rock, techno, industrial, etc. who are naive enough to believe that drugs played no part in the creative process in a lot of music that they enjoy.
Guys who check out every, EVERY woman who walks past them. I mean, if Masuimi Max walks past you, you kind of can't help but do a double-take, but I see guys who will pinch a fucking nerve by making their head do a prolonged Linda Blair 360 to stare at completely unremarkable, or even unattractive girls. This morning I was waiting for the train, and a train pulled into the station, and I saw this guy who was sitting on the train craning his neck to see this girl who was standing next to me on the platform. He kept staring at her until the train pulled out of the station. I knew she was there, but had not really noticed what she looked like. After seeing this guy falling over himself trying to get a better look, I started to wonder if maybe I was missing something, so I looked at her.
Before me stood a woman who was about 30 years old, 5'6"ish with straight, mouse brown hair about shoulder length cut in an unremarkable way. She was white. She was maybe a few pounds overweight, not fat, not skinny, and was wearing a boring work-appropriate brown suit with flats. She wasn't particularly busty and, indeed, if she was busty or had a nice ass, her suit was cut in such a way that you wouldn't really be able to tell anyway. The only skin she was showing was on her face and hands. She either wasn't wearing makeup or was wearing little enough that you would guess she wasn't wearing any. I didn't notice any jewelry. She didn't have any notable acne, scars, etc. that could possibly be causing the train guy to be doing the holy fuck neck crane. Her face wasn't ugly, and wasn't pretty either. If you witnessed her committing a crime, and the police asked you to describe her face so they could make a composite sketch, you would be hard pressed to remember anything, as there was nothing particularly amazing or unique about her facial features that would stand out in memory.
In short, she was ORDINARY; as plain as Jane gets. The guy on the train was straining to check her out as though he had never seen a woman before, and there was truly nothing to prompt the "DAMN, LOOK AT HER, MAN, HOLY FUCK" reaction this guy was having. Yes, she has a vagina. Calm the fuck down.
Of course, this isn't just about one guy looking at one girl. This is like a plague of retardation, and on a five minute stroll in Manhattan, you can observe this happening a dozen times.
People who are members of a group that has been historically discriminated against, that fail to see the irony of them being deeply discriminatory against another oppressed group. I remember a few years back I was driving through Cincinnati and I saw a huge billboard that featured the smiling face of a black male politician. In bold letters was the phrase, "NO SPECIAL RIGHTS FOR GAYS."
Workplaces that provide you with a computer that is powerful enough to kind of run a late-90's version of Microsoft Word in 8-bit color at 600x480 on Windows 95 really, really slowly, and if you use a photo as a desktop background, or heaven forbid, get on the internet, the computer's performance slows to a crawl. Just give me a fucking abacus, you cheap fucks.
People in relationships who do irrational, inexplicable, off-the-charts fucking psycho things and use poor judgment, who then can't understand why their partner is perturbed.
People who lie to other people right in front of you, and their lie is something you are privy to, and often the lie is totally unnecessary. Like this one guy who eats lunch in our restaurant about two or three times a week, and has come to the restaurant for the past three months brought a client in today to talk business over lunch. He usually brings clients when he comes. The guy says, "Wow. This place is nice. This is the first time I've been here." He looks to me. "So what would you recommend?"
So now, I either have to piss off a regular customer, who knows the menu by heart and always gets the same fucking thing, or else I have to be complicit, which makes me a liar too.
People who see the whole of human existence as, "I bet that guy is fucking me over. Maybe I should fuck him over like I fucked that other guy over. Wow, I really fucked him over, but that's ok because he might have been thinking about fucking me over. Oh, and I should really fuck that other guy over. I fucked him over before, but he never knew I was fucking him over, so he kinda deserves to be fucked over again. Then again, maybe he does know I fucked him over, and I bet right now he's plotting to fuck me over. Hell with it then, I definitely have to fuck him over now.
Employers who think that the fact that they give you a paycheck is justification to make you do anything.
"Oh, hey! If it isn't our new regional director! Did you come in over the weekend to paint that office like I asked? Good, good. Oh, before I forget, the toilet in the staff restroom clogged and overflowed, and there's stuff all over the floor. It's still clogged and the toilet and floor are full of crap. Yeah, it's pretty gross. Could you take care of that? Oh, and after that I need you to unpack and assemble the desks for that new office."
People who don't get the whole casual courtesy thing.
Like I'll be leaving for work in the morning, and as I'm walking through the building lobby I pass one of the other tenants, a lady about 55-60 years old. I politely smile and say, "G'morning," just like I would to anyone.
She avoids eye contact and hurries on her way without saying a word. "If I say hello back, obviously he will rape me, because my rickety body and jowly face obviously make me a prime target to a man in his early 30's. I'd better just act like a complete cunt and not say hello, despite the fact that there are only two of us in this quiet apartment building lobby, and not acknowledging another adult in this sort of situation is just plain weird."
Drivers that try to let you cross the street in such a way that it doesn't convey what the fuck they're doing so it ends up taking far longer than if they had just kept going. Just now I was crossing the street in the middle of the block. It wasn't even an intersection. I'm waiting for traffic to clear when this one car slows way down. So of course I'm thinking "Hurry up, you fuck!" The car still hasn't stopped but is coasting very, very slowly. The traffic in the far lane is gone, so I could cross if this idiot would just fucking drive. At this point I yell at the retard. "Come on!" He stops right in front of me. I give him the "What the fuck? " gesture. He gestures for me to cross, which is really idiotic considering there is once again traffic in the other lane. He sits there. I gesture for him to keep going. He sits there. The traffic clears in the other lane. He gestures for me to go. I wave for him to keep driving. We stare at each other for a few second. At this point I figure he's going to sit there all fucking day if I don't cross, so I start walking. At the same moment I made this assumption, he must have figured that I wasn't going to cross until he left and he started to roll forward. I stop. He stops. He gestures for me to cross. I wave for him to keep driving. He sits there. I stand there. We stare at each other. Gesture.... Wave.... Stare, stare, stare..... I start to cross again. He starts to move again. I stop. He stops. He gestures. At this point, I let out an exacerbated "GODDAMN!" and walk around the back of his car and across the street. He drives away. This retard wanted to help me cross the street, yet all he did was cost me time as we played a stupid little politeness game. If he had just kept driving, I would have been across the street and he would have been a few blocks down the road in half the time.
Videogame designers who think their music soundtrack is amazing, entirely forgetting the fact that hearing any song for hours at a time will make you sick of it. Sure, Sanctuary of Zi'Tah was cool the first time I went there, but after spending the last three years passing through it on the way to Dragon's Aery and Ru'Aun, it just makes me turn the volume down and listen to something else.
People with physical problems that are beyond their control who think they can make fun of other people's physical problems. This guy I work with said to me, "Wow! You're losing your hair. Hah-hah!" He laughed like he had made an awesome joke, but he didn't even set it up or anything. This guy is 26, all of five feet tall, about 95 pounds, and has a voice like he's been sucking helium.
I replied, "Well, you might lose your hair too someday, but I'll never be short."
Girls who think they can detract from guys thinking some chick is hot by questioning the authenticity of her breasts. "I bet her tits are fake." I for one am not a huge fan of breasts that look truly fake or are ridiculously enormous, however, if a girl's tits look nice and perky, then who fucking gives a shit where she got them? Oh, you bought these for me? Why, thank you. So what if she has a few post-consumer upgrades to enhance what was issued at the factory, if they look decent, cool. Rock on. Fake tits are like fake sugar. If they are obviously fake, meh. If they are realistic enough to spark debate on their authenticity, stick em in your mouth and enjoy.
Retards who either won't listen or won't take no for an answer and don't know when to give up.
I was standing in line at Burger King and this kid who looked to be about 16-18 was in line in front of me. He was decked out in his finest "urban douchebag" wear including the standard issue baggy pants around his ankles, a sports jersey down to his knees and a too-large baseball hat cocked at an absurd angle. For this alone I wanted to dunk his head in the deep fryer. Oh, and I might have forgotten to mention, he was white.
In New York City there are tons of kids pulling the annoying "marked up candy" scam. The purported reasons are usually either "this is for my school basketball team" or a more annoying "I'm not gonna lie, this money is for me to keep me off the street," the not-so subtle meaning being, buy my marked up candy or I'll have to start robbing and killing people.
This kid used the bullshit basketball team story. He turns around and starts trying to hard sell me some fucking Peanut M&M's.
"Excuse me, I'm raising money for my basketball team and I..."
"No thanks," I say clearly and audibly.
"Well the money would help pay for uniforms and..."
"No thank you."
"You'd be helping a lot and..."
"I'm not interested."
"We do this once a year to raise...."
"WHAT, ARE YOU DEAF?"
"What? Don't talk to me like that."
"I mean seriously, are you deaf or retarded? I told you no THREE TIMES."
"Yo, don't talk like that, I'll fuck you up. I ain't no pussy." The kid starts puffing up his chest and trying to act big and bad.
"Sorry, kid. I'm not scared of retards. I told you I wasn't interested THREE TIMES. How many times do you need to be told no before you fuck off?"
"Yo, why you think you can talk to me like that?"
"What difference does it make how I talk to you if you're fucking deaf? Do you understand now that I don't want any candy? Has it gotten through?"
The kid did the "not worth my time" hand flip, gave a "Pfff," and turned around and began his ghetto post-argument unintelligible mumbling.
People who will let a zit grow to the size of a shiny, pus filled parasitic twin and not pop it. The zit is obviously ready. All it would take is the slightest pressure and the thing would spurt out a quart of cottage cheese and spaghetti, and the doofus would be on the road to recovery, but NO! This guy wants to let you enjoy watching the greasy thing grow and grow, from a little pink bump to a huge shiny bloated bag of pus.
Yesterday I read a story in the news about this couple being kicked off of a plane because they couldn't get their three year old brat to sit down and be quiet. The first thought to pop into my head was, "There's a couple that has never spanked their child." Who's in charge here? The plane couldn't take off because the kid refused to sit down. IT'S A THREE YEAR OLD. I can just picture these parents trying to politely reason with their heinous brat as he's flipping out. "Come on, now, honey. Sit down please. Please? Don't be like this, honey. Be a good boy and sit down." Fuck that. You retards are in charge. MAKE the kid sit down. Congratulations. You're terrible enough parents to forfeit your vacation and make national news.
Today, I overheard some coworkers talking about the story, and I thought I would humorously interject. "Good. That's one less screaming brat kicking the back of someone's seat."
They looked at me like I was Josef Mengele. "Well..... You don't have children. You don't know what it's like." (The person who said this also doesn't have children).
"No, but I do know what it's like to be stuck on a flight next to some horrible kid for six hours as they spaz nonstop and make the flight unbearable."
They changed the subject.
People who see the following as economic improvement:
Year 1: Gross Domestic Product is 13 trillion dollars. 95% of the wealth is in the hands of the richest 2% of the population.
Year 2: Gross Domestic Product is 13 trillion and one dollars. 99.5% of the wealth is in the hands of the richest .5% of the population.
If you see this as economic improvement, rest assured, you're a complete and total douchebag, and I for one will laugh when they cut off your precious little Marie Antoinette head.
Drag queens that don't even come close. I mean, I'm not going to rip on drag queens in general. It's certainly not a thing where I can say I've walked a mile in their shoes, and I don't really relate to the concept of an adult wishing to be someone other than who they are, and no, I don't really buy that who you really are deep down is Marilyn Monroe, but do what makes you happy. However, I have always said, if you're going to do something, do it right. By now I imagine most people in the civilized world have seen drag queens before. A few that I've seen actually looked like women, at least to the extent that a passing glance wouldn't make someone go, "HAH! It's a dude!" and all 7th grade snickering aside, kudos to them, I suppose. However, most drag queens I have seen looked like men in women's clothing. I assume this is not the desired effect. Worse, they looked like big hairy men in women's clothing with ridiculous botox lips. Look, some guys can't pull it off. They're too bulky, have massive monkeyman hands, have that kind of beard that looks like five o'clock shadow at 10am, or whatever. If the closest you can get to looking like a woman is looking like Tony Soprano in hooker boots and a tube top with a fake as hell Barbie doll wig, then just don't..
People who like or dislike a city, state, etc. based on their feelings about the local sports team. I actually wrote the previous sentence before I saw these shitheads on the news with their "funny" Superbowl sign. It was held by these inbred looking Chicago fans and took a stab at the New Orleans Saints with the phrase, "The Bears finishing what Katrina started."
"Oh, look at me! I'm being edgy!" No, go eat some death, assbags.
People, who, in this age of voicemail, cell phones and caller ID, think they can make something seem imperative by saying, "I've been trying to get a hold of you all week. I must have called you 20 times!" Uhh... NO YOU DIDN'T, YOU FUCKING LIAR.
Drunk people in bars who sway and bump you, and think you bumped them, and then take the semi-aggressive stance of teaching you some manners. "Hey-y-y-y. Take it easy, buddy!"
These two trumpet players that I frequently see in subway stations. I've seen these guys for years, and I'm sure tourists probably like them, but you know... FUCK those guys. Their playlist consists of "When the Saints Go Marching In," "When the Saints Go Marching In," and "When the Saints Go Marching In"..... annnnd that's all. They play one fucking song, over and over and over. They play it in this ragtime style, which might seem to someone who has only seen it once, like improvisation, but, uhhhh... Nope. They are usually on the subway platform on my way to work. I've heard that same fucking song so many times I want to twist their trumpets around their necks. Actually, I think they alternate Thursdays with the bandage-over-eye bum, who is almost always there whenever they aren't, and yeah, I've seen him for years too, and apparently he has an operation on his right eye every day.
"Oh, but Neg! You're such a Scrooge! How could you not appreciate live music in the subway?" Look. I ride the subway out of necessity, not as a wonderful place to go enjoy New York's rich panhandler culture. In the absolute BEST case scenario the commute will be quick (which is rare), quiet enough to hear my iPod without cranking it to full volume (which is even more rare), and with no filthy asshole with scabies leaning on me as he sleeps.
And seriously, when was the last time that anyone under age 90 stopped and thought, "Sayyy.... I haven't heard 'When the Saints Go Marching In' in a long time. That's a shame, because that tune would be just dandy to hear every single fucking day at 8:52am when I'm running late for work because the train is slow as shit and people are crowded around me waiting to wedge into a subway car that is packed like a sardine can and I haven't had any caffeine yet."?
Retards on Ebay and Craigslist who think that their five and a half year old laptop that's running Windows ME is worth 900 bucks. Oh boy, oh boy! 256 megs of RAM? Can I PLEASE dump nearly a grand on a computer that can KINDA run Duke Nukem? 900 bucks is kinda steep for a doorstop, doncha think?
One thing I have to say is sort of a positive thing, even though it's as a result of a shitty thing, for the first time I can remember in my lifetime, you can bump into almost any person on the street, even including many people who consider themselves conservatives, say, "So, what do you think about the president?" and most likely he will laugh, and say something like, "Wow! That guy is a retarded asshole!" and you will both agree with each other. They keep saying that Bush has polarized the country, but I can't think of a time that more people had the same opinion as me about something significant. Wow. I feel kinship with my fellow man. It's kinda nice and kinda shitty at the same time.
Now if only Jesus was around to drunkenly stumble out of a limousine wearing no panties in front of the papparazzi so I would find some more people to agree with...
People who I haven't talked to in months who go out to some bar, get really drunk, start fidgeting with their cell phone, see my name, and think, "Hey... I haven't talked to him in forever. I should call him RIGHT NOW."
2:17AM, Thursday:
*RING RING* "What in the living FUCK? Who the fuck would fucking.... Goddammit!... (I pick up) "HELLO?!"
"Neg! What's up, dude?"
"What the..... Who is this?"
"It's Steve. What's up?"
"It's like 2:15 in the morning!"
"Dude, I know! I'm out drinkin' with some friends. So what's happ'nin'?"
"I was asleep. What's up?" (Meant in the "what the fuck do you want" way, but of course, the guy takes it in the "How's it goin'" way)
"Just chillin'. Dude, I haven't talked to you in forever. So what's new?"
"I have to work in the morning!"
"Really? Where are you working these days?"
"I have to go."
"Hang on, dude! Someone wants to say hi."
(Scuffling sounds followed by the voice of a drunk, giggly girl)
"Hello?"
"Hi."
(She half covers the phone and yells to the guy)
"Who is it?"
(I hear the guy' s voice in the background.)
"It's Neg!"
"Who?"
"Neg!"
(More scuffling noises as the girl who I've never met passes the phone back to the guy.)
"Dude!"
"I have to sleep. I'm hanging up now."
"Alright dude. Take it easy."
*Click*
2:30....
3:00....
3:35....
"FUCKING ASSHOLE!" I shout in the dark as I stare at the ceiling.
People who think that any object smaller than an Irish Setter is perfectly safe to flush down the toilet.
People from boring, backwards, sleepy rural towns where everyone knows everyone and regardless of your interests there's never a fucking thing going on, EVER, who can't comprehend why someone would want to move away to a big metropolitan city.
When I was preparing to move from Lexington, Kentucky to New York City, several people asked me, "Why would you want to move there?" Are you fucking high? Seriously?
Let's see here.... What did I do for fun when I lived in Lexington? I drove to Chicago, Detroit, Toronto, New York City, St. Louis, Cleveland, Columbus, Knoxville, Nashville, Myrtle Beach, Virginia Beach, Indianapolis, Cincinnati... Are we starting to see a pattern? By contrast, in New York I can put in a day at work and afterwards get everything from a Skinny Puppy concert to Monet to the best restaurants in America on a 20 minute train ride, and show up to work the next day rested.
When I go back to Lexington to visit family, I check out downtown, and it never fails to make me feel like moving was the greatest decision I ever made. The same people are sitting on the same stools in the same bars as they were seven years ago when I left, a little fatter, a little balder, still chasing after the same aging piece of ass that they were chasing in college, twelve years ago. When I talk to them, I usually open with the same casual greeting I use in New York, "What's new?" though the reaction has a decidedly different tone. In New York, people reply with a relaxed, "Not much." In Lexington they always get a hollow look in their eyes, the look of someone who feels doomed, and reply, "Nothing. Nothing at all. Same old shit." It's one thing to be bored and restless at 18. It's another thing to be bored and restless at 34, and remember that you've felt that way since you were 18, and that you see less and less potential to break free as time goes by.
You remember when you were a couple of years out of high school? You had less than five grand in the bank from your job as a houseman at the local hotel, setting up banquet tables, and you were pretty bored and were waiting for that budding punk scene to find a new place to take root and get fun again after The Wrocklage shut down. You were hoping that maybe Lexington would start to develop into more of a real city and there would be something on the radio other than Travis Tritt and whatever Hootie and the Blowfish dogshit the local corporate alterna-crap station had on heavy rotation.
Now you're 34. How's that punk scene? It never quite took off again, did it? Now you're the supervisor over the hotel housemen and you still have less than five grand in the bank, and now you have a car payment , a child support payment, and are renting an apartment for yourself, your girlfriend, and her two kids, one of which is yours. Now the local radio plays Brooks and Dunn and the alterna-crap station plays Nickelback. Downtown hasn't turned metropolitan, rather, half of the store fronts have "For Lease" signs in them. Instead of cool businesses filling those spots, two more Walmarts have sprouted up on the outskirts of town, nestled in the midst of brand new suburbs. You remember thinking the whole "Go Cats" basketball fan bullshit was silly and funny. Now you just want to punch someone in the eyes when you hear it.
So, why would I move away?
People who get angry that you aren't happy for them for their terrible life altering decisions.
"Yes, I did date him about a year ago and it is the same guy who beat me up and stole my jewelry and credit cards to pay for his smack habit and pay off that pimp who was going to kill him for fucking that hooker and then beating her up and skipping out without paying, while we were dating, and yes, he did kind of technically rape me that one time, but I really believe that he loves me and he says he is off the drugs and is starting a real job next week.... And he asked me to marry him and I said yes. Isn't that awesome?"
"Uhhhhh..... Yay?"
People who think the key to writing referential humor is making the references as obscure and convoluted as possible so nobody but them recognizes the reference.
People who don't think a good comedian is funny when they use referential humor because they are out of touch and don't recognize even the most easily recognized people and events.
People who seem to always opt for the way that would make it more difficult for you.
People who leave important shit laying around, and then when it gets lost try to blame anyone but themselves.
"Did you find a blue folder here?"
"Uhhh.... No."
"It had the annual budget in it and I need it."
"I've been here all day and I didn't see any folder."
"Who else has been in here?"
"A ton of people. The waitstaff, building maintenance, clients, the janitor. Lots of people."
"Well I NEED that folder!"
Bon Jovi's second chance.
People who think that anyone who isn't a ball-buster is an ass-kisser.
People who think that anyone who isn't an ass-kisser isn't a team player.
People at work who think that anything that prevents them from being as absolutely lazy as fucking possible is busting their balls.
People at work who are annoying as shit who apparent know they are, who call you with requests prefaced with, "Hi, it's me. You know your day wouldn't be complete unless I called to annoy you."
Then you have to be professional and ass-kissy and reply, "No, no! You're not bothering me. How can I help you?"
People whose shut the fuck up reflex works in reverse, like the times when it doesn't matter if they talk, they don't have much to say, but stick them in a movie theatre, and their gums start flapping.
I recently went with a date to the Upright Citizens Brigade theatre. I love that place. The admission and the beer are cheap and about 90% of the time, the show is fucking hilarious. The girl had previously expressed interest in comedians and sketch comedy shows, and she had never been to the UCB, so I figured this would be a home run. Before we went there, we went to another spot in the Village and had a few beers. I figure a decent buzz is a good start to a night of laughs, and I had been way more drunk with her in the past and she had never done anything fucked up, so I didn't think anything of it. We only had a couple of beers each.
Now, if anyone is trying to think of a test to see if the girl they are dating is "the one," this is it. Take her to a comedy show. Can this girl sit through a comedy show and laugh and have a good time like a normal person, will she sit there in silence with a stick up her ass like a total prude, or will she do something to make you want to die and disappear into a hole in the Earth?
There were two comics that acted as the hosts and there was an improv troupe of about six people. The show was decent. It might not have been the best comedy show I had ever seen, but it definitely wasn't the worst. However, my date apparently felt that the show could have been better. It needed something. It needed HER. Her comedic brilliance would SAVE this otherwise doomed performance. The troupe was doing a skit with two characters in a car. "What's that smell? I think there's something in the back seat."
Then, next to me I hear a squeaky voice shout out, "BLEACH!"
What the fuck? I mean, I know that the two of us had an INSIDE joke about the smell of cum, but why the fuck was I hearing it blurted out now in the middle of a comedy show?
The troupe tried to play it off. "What the fuck? Is there a ghost in the back of the car? Why would our car be shouting out random things? Our car must be haunted."
She apparently thought they didn't hear it the first time and needed clarification. "IT'S BLEACH!" she cried as I could feel my ass cheeks clenching together involuntarily.
"Whoa! The ghost in our car must be obsessed with laundry products!"
I didn't really hear where they took the joke from there, because I was paying attention to the livid host hissing in my left ear, "YOU'D BETTER GET HER TO SHUT THE FUCK UP. IF SHE SAYS ONE MORE WORD, YOU TWO ARE OUT OF HERE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" What a fun date! Seriously, how many dates have you been on in your life where you were scolded and threatened by one of the operators of one of your favorite places to go, a place you somewhat revere where you could even be considered a regular? GREAT FUN! You know, I thought going to a comedy club was supposed to be entertaining, not humiliating.
"What did he say?" she asked.
"He said if you said anything else they would throw us out."
About five minutes later, the troupe stopped for a short intermission and one of the hosts walked onto the stage and began talking, the other sat down in one of the seats a few feet away from my date.
"How is everyone enjoying the show so far?"
The other host yelled out from the audience, "I'M TALKING!"
"We hope you're all having a good time."
"I'M SAYING WORDS WITH MY MOUTH!"
"We also hope that you are tipping your bartender."
"I'M TALKING VERY LOUDLY!"
"We have shows every night here at the UCB theatre.
"I'M TALKING ABOUT....THINGS!"
"And we would like to remind everyone..."
"I AM HILARIOUS! LOOK AT ME!"
"....that if you talk during the performance, we will have to remove you."
"I SUCK AND I AM LOUD!"
"So please sit back and enjoy the rest of the show."
And then the crowd laughed really boisterously... at our expense. I wanted to laugh too, because it was definitely funny, but I was too fucking mortified. I think it's fair to say that we got owned.
Out of touch idiots, particularly in politics, who can't grasp the difference in severity between:
Using Pot and Using Crack.
Trying drugs a few times and being a junky.
Occasionally smoking pot with friends and selling crack to elementary school children.
Riding a skateboard and killing a cop.
Assholes who are rude for no reason. Tonight I walked into a pub and asked the bartender what I thought was a perfectly reasonable question. "Do you serve food here?"
"Heh. Yeah, they got doughnuts over there across the street. Heh. Food. Heh."
So I smiled, said thanks, left and walked about a block and a half, and spent about 25 bucks in a different pub... even though they didn't have food there either. Oh, and I'm a damned good tipper, fuckhead.
People who tell you a story, and space out and get hung up on words that are extremely basic.
"So today I went to the grocery store and my uhhhh... You know, like a uhhh.... small male person... that I gave birth to?"
"Your son?"
"Yeah..." (Story continues for 10 more minutes of grueling verbal doom.).
Very, very low-end stereos, headphones, etc. Seriously, who is this shit for? I'm not saying everyone needs to buy 400 dollar headphones, but what's the point of making three dollar headphones that sound like utter shit? Are homeless people on iTunes now? Seriously, there doesn't really NEED to be consumer goods for EVERY budget. If you want a home theatre system, and you have 40 dollars to spend, then YOU DON'T GET A HOME THEATRE SYSTEM. Sorry. I mean, buy some clothes for your kids or something, shit.
People with amazingly dumb excuses. One of my waiters wears these shirts with arms that are way too short and it makes him look like he has chimp arms because his hands dangle about five inches too low for his sleeves. I said he needed to get some shirts that fit and he retorted, "I just have really long arms." Guess what. THEY MAKE SHIRTS WITH ARMS THAT WILL FIT YOU, DIPSHIT. Men's dress shirts aren't sized as small, medium and large like t-shirts. They are sized by neck circumference and ARM LENGTH. The 16.5 x 30-31 makes you look ridiculous? Well then try the 16.5 x 35-36, dumbass.
Workplace packrats.
Like most people who are employed, I have a workspace that I share with coworkers. I also have a boss who hassles me whenever this workspace becomes cluttered. Also like most workplaces, I have a steady stream of bullshit that flows in. To keep the workplace from becoming cluttered, the bullshit must be sorted into two groups: "I will get in trouble if I don't save this," and "Chuck it." The problem is that there are coworkers, for future reference these will be labeled "retards," who believe there is a third grouping for the bullshit called, "This would be cool to keep."
For example, I work in a dining facility. Often for large parties or groups that want to pick out their own china, we rent equipment. Invariably some of it gets left behind when the rental company comes to pick up. A fork here, a coffee saucer there... It adds up. Every few weeks I look at the growing pile of oddball shit on the shelf and think, "There's no way they're going to come back to pick up a three dollar glass or a twelve dollar plate, and there's no way I would let the waiters set up a place setting with one weird coffee cup," so I immediately eye the garbage can. As I'm throwing away this bullshit, some choad always comes up with a look on their faces as though I'm kicking an Ethiopian child in the face. "WHAT??? YOU'RE JUST GOING TO THROW AWAY A PERFECTLY GOOD PLATE??"
"Well, considering that it's a perfectly good plate that we will never USE, yes I am."
"Don't throw it away. Give it to me."
They take the plate and put it on their desk, where it sits for a couple of weeks... then it reappears on the shelf with the rest of the oddball pile.
The other thing we get a lot of is promotional wampum. We get t-shirts, baseball hats, folders, pens and assorted doo-hickeys of every description from the companies that come in on a daily basis. Today I found a box in the office full of cdroms from the Hanes company. The Hanes meeting was a month ago, but some retard decided to keep a huge box filled with cd's of a business presentation. Why? Because he's an idiot. It's not even like these were cdrw's that could be reused. This guy has over 100 copies of information for which he couldn't possibly have the slightest use. Then he was so kind as to stash it in a corner of the office, so when the boss comes in, there's one more box of bullshit with cd's falling out of it. So I chucked it. What did I find the next day? Someone ELSE had found it in the trash and put it in the office across the hall. Not only that, but as the weeks went by, I found copies of the cd lying around in the cafeteria, our office, another office on another floor, and in one of the locker rooms. What in the living fuck? It's fucking HANES! It's not even like it's a product catalogue. It's a fucking powerpoint presentation full of pie charts and bar graphs. I know because we served lunch while they had their investors' meeting and showed that very presentation.
People who always look the gift horse in the mouth. Yesterday we had a dinner that brought really nice flower centerpieces. There was nothing wrong with them, so we saved them after the dinner.
The next day we had a lunch buffet and they had not ordered any centerpieces, and the 6-foot round tables looked empty and boring, so we brought out the centerpieces and set them on the tables. The coordinator walked in the room, and the first thing he said was, "Oh, I see you gave me last night's old flowers." He had apparently passed by the room the night before and recognized these as the same flowers. Ass. You were going to have NO flowers. Now you have perfectly nice flowers, which of course your guests would never recognize as last night's flowers because none of them were here last night.
The fucked up Gap/Old Navy/Banana Republic thing. I know most of you think this is going to be a rant about boring, nondescript clothing. No. Recently it came to my attention that these three companies are owned by the same umbrella corporation. Their clothes are manufactured in the same factories. Basically, the only defining characteristic is the cost. Banana Republic is the most expensive, Gap is less expensive and Old Navy is the cheapest, even though all three places in essence carry EXACTLY THE SAME PRODUCTS. They are basically their own main competition.
Public restroom animals. We've all seen gross public restrooms. We've all wiped away other people's piss, hovered over filthy seats, tiptoed over puddles of vomit and held our breath to avoid vomiting ourselves. However, there are occasions where someone does something so fucked up and wrong that it totally defies explanation.
The first time I remember being exposed to this in its purest form was when I was in my early 20's. I was married, and my wife worked at Blimpie's. And the jokes fly. Yeah, yeah. Career woman. Ho ho. But back on topic, she was working the closing shift, which was basically 2-10:30. She had one of those managers who basically didn't give a shit about anything except practicing his putt, and he was never actually in the store so I would often stop by to just sit in the restaurant and hang out with her when it got slow. The place was basically completely fucked in terms of staff and management. My wife was usually alone from the time she came in until the time she left, with only an hour of shift overlap from the girl who did the lunch shift. It was one of those dumb locations where it's dead most of the time, so they can't support much staff, which means the few people who do work there are given way too much responsibility and way too much free reign, with the franchise owner / manager taking almost no interest.
One night I came in at about 5, and the dinner rush hit right after I came in, so I just sat at a table and drank Pepsi. I noticed this kid who was about 15 and fat as hell come in. He didn't buy anything, but rather just made a hurried B-line for the restroom.
The dinner rush came and I read the newspaper, waiting for the rush to be over. At about 6:45 the rush tapered off and my wife came over and sat at the table with me. I had forgotten all about the kid, and of course, after an hour and forty five minutes, I just assumed that he was long gone.
But he was not. We heard a door open and close in the back and then saw the fat kid walking quickly out of the store. As he hurried toward the exit, he looked at the floor, intentionally avoiding looking at anyone. I knew right then that something horrible had happened. I got up and walked toward the restroom. Before I even got there, the stink was intense. I opened the door and had to fight to keep from gagging. The shit was everywhere, and I mean everywhere. The toilet was overflowing. It looked like he had used up the entire roll of toilet paper, and had then used paper towels. He had smeared shit all over everything: the floor, the toilet, the sink, and as high as he could reach on the walls. There were wet piles of shit-stained paper towels all over the floor and in the sink. Someone reading this might wonder why I didn't tear out of the store and beat the kid to a pulp, or at least drag him back to the store to have the cops deal with. My only response to this was shock and awe. It was so bad that for a few moments I didn't know what to do other than stand there and stare. The thing that kept me from coming to terms with it was the kid's expression. He wasn't giggling about the amazing prank he had pulled. He was mortified. His expression said, "Oh my god, what have I done?" as though it wasn't something he did for a laugh, or even some perverse kicks, but for a reason much darker.
Yes, the kid had problems, and I know many of you are mistaking my confusion with sympathy. Clinton said that it takes a village to raise a child, and I wish all the villagers would beat whatever was wrong with this fucker out of him with bats.
Idiots who carry paper towels and latex gloves specifically so they can hold onto poles in the subway, because after all, AIDS is instantly absorbed through the skin and paper towels will give you 100% 24/7 protection from all germs. Some of you may have heard of this amazing advancement that has become commercially available in recent years called SOAP. It comes in the form of liquid and bars and when used in conjunction with another substance called "water" it can be used to clean dirt and germs off of hands. Far-fucking-out, huh? Imagine! No more cleaning your hands by putting them in your mouth and sucking them! It's hard to believe, I know, but it's true!
Funny how my life seems to be a long string of dining experiences ruined by idiots. I guess that's to be expected when one has lunch at such classy establishments as Popeye's. I was sitting eating my lunch with my headphones on to drown out the sounds of stupidity when this guy came and slapped his tray down on the table next to mine. I know he slapped it down because I heard it over the deafening roar of my headphones. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that he was hunched over his food like a tyrannosaur tearing at a carcass, and both of his elbows were up and out to the sides to maximize rapid-fire-two-handed-shovel-into-maw effectiveness. Then I saw a glint of white fall from the table. I looked down and saw the lid from his drink sitting on the floor. I thought, "Ah, surely he dropped that by accident. Nobody could be that rude. Any second now he'll look over the side of the table and pick that up. This has to be a mistake. Only some dumb animal would be so base that he would eat in a restaurant and intentionally drop shit all over the floor." Just as I had this thought a napkin floated down to accompany the lid. Instinctively, I turned to see what kind of idiot was next to me. I wish I hadn't, because as my eyes leveled with his face, I saw his wide-open mouth smacking on smashed chicken, and he was manipulating the well-masticated bolus with his tongue so it would fully emerge from his mouth with every bite. Around his mouth were tons of little greasy bits. I was very happy that I couldn't hear him. It reminded me of when Johnny Carson would have a guest from the San Diego Zoo with a lemur that would get food all over its face as it chomped on an overripe chunk of mango. His table manners literally could not have changed in any way since he started eating solid food.
I quickly turned away and tried to erase the image from my mind enough to be able to stomach eating my own food. As I realigned my line of sight with my own now-unappetizing chicken, I was immediately distracted again as he flicked his wrist to toss a mangled chicken bone on the floor. Now I would need to focus, to meditate even, to be able to ignore the caveman next to me and eat my food. I turned up the volume of my headphones and tried to focus on the music. Just as I began to raise some chicken to my mouth, I was once again distracted. I felt a smack on my shoulder. "What the fuck? Did someone just hit my shoulder? Surely nobody could be hitting me on the shoulder. That would be just too absurd." Then as the initial shock was over, and I was en route to the denial "must have been a muscle spasm" phase, there it was again. The monster had just back-hand slapped my shoulder twice to get my attention, and was now alternating between pointing at the salt shaker on my table and making exaggerated salt shaker pantomimes with his hand. I handed him the shaker and as he showered the entire tabletop with salt, I found out that his shaker motion wasn't exaggerated at all. He then smacked the shaker down hard enough to be heard over my headphones, and dug in again.
A few minutes later, he spotted the guy cleaning the dining room and flagged him to come over. The guy shuffled over to the table, and the monster motioned for him to clean up the mess on the floor beneath his table, which had now grown by a few napkins, chicken bones and french fries. The attendant swept the litter into his dustpan and walked off. If he had stayed by the table for about another thirty seconds, he could have cleaned up a few more french fries, which the fucker dropped after the attendant left.
The one good thing about this guy eating like an animal, was that, like a dumb animal, he scarfed down his food as quickly as he could force it down his esophagus. Despite the fact that I was there a few minutes before him, and we both had about the same amount of food, he was done a good five minutes before me, so I had a little peace after he left. He got up and left his tray and mess sitting there on the table, about ten feet from the garbage can. Then he sauntered to the exit.
Then suddenly, he stopped, just as he got to the door. Could there be a shred of humanity or shame gnawing at this creature for leaving his crap for someone else to clean up? He stood for a moment, very apparently struck by some revelation. He made a quick about-face and started walking briskly in a straight line towards the table. For a moment I thought I was witnessing evolution in action; man rising out of the muck and learning to walk tall and proud - doing the right thing simply for the sake of it needing to be done. Surely he was coming back to at least partially redeem himself for being a completely obnoxious animal by picking up his mess. As he neared the table, his arm began to extend, and I could picture in my mind that hand picking up the tray and carrying it off to the garbage can. His hand continued to extend, but now he was bending down at the hips. Is he picking up all the mess he threw on the floor?
He bent down and picked up something unseen, that was propped against the base of the table. As he rose back up, I saw that it was his umbrella. He did not even look at his mess on the table as he made another about-face and walked straight out the door into the gloom. Dogs pay far more attention to the shit they leave behind.
Chatty cab drivers. It's 6am. I don't even want to be awake, and I sure as fuck don't want to talk to you about what happened on The Sopranos last night. Shut the fuck up and drive fast.
People that hand-wash their dishes, and you go to their house and they offer you something to drink, then they dig in their piled up kitchen sink, pull out a glass that's half-coated in dried-on spaghetti sauce and has about an inch of moldy liquid in it, then they pour it out, squirt a little dish soap into it, sort of rinse it off under some water that's cold enough to be comfortable to their hands, then they pour a drink into it and hand it to you, and you can still smell the food on it and see little chunks on it. Yeah, I'm a snob. I'm looking a gift horse in the mouth. Fuck you. Get a damn dishwasher so I don't have to drink out of the AIDS GLASS.
I'm all for creativity, and art without change is boring, but one thing that pisses me off is when a band I like makes a complete U-turn and changes their sound so drastically that fans of their old sound would almost definitely hate their new sound. "On our last album, we were going for sort of an atmospheric ambient electronic thing, but while we were in the tour bus, we listened to a lot of country, metal, rockabilly, and zydeco music, and we all really ended up liking it a lot, so our new album incorporates a lot of those sounds and does away with the whole electronic element that we used to have." Great. You made a completely self-indulgent album of bullshit. You can try to explain it all you want, but all I hear is, "FUCK YOU, FANS!"
People on Myspace that post bulletins with the kind of regularity that most people post blogs (or even more frequently). Look... You have 3857 friends. They don't all need to know that you just painted your fingernails. There's this guy on my friends list that posts an average of four or five bulletins a day. Well... he was on my friends list until just now.
Media websites that simply can't handle the traffic. Why even make the site? Hey look! A 20 second streaming video of some stupid bullshit! Let's check it out! Click........... 30 seconds go by before anything other than the background on the website shows..... 45 more seconds and finally all of the page is visible. Okay. Let's press play. Buffering.... buffering..... buffering.... 60 seconds later the video begins to play. Five seconds of the 20 second video plays, then the video stops...... buffering.... buffering..... buffering.... 20 seconds later, three more seconds of the video plays, then it stops again and begins buffering.... buffering.... buffering... At this point I close the window. Fuck it. Why even fucking bother? I mean, how badly do you think I want to see someone get hit in the balls?
Comedians who are invited to discussion shows like Bill Maher's "Politically Incorrect" and find a way to slip their regular fucking act in. I didn't think it was possible to slip a Jimmy Stewart impression or a Johnny Carson impression into a discussion on the Iraq war or the Virginia Tech shooting, but fucking Dana Carvey found a way, fucking one trick pony retard. I was just waiting for him to bust out a "WELL ISN'T THAT SPECIAL," but I guess that would have been beyond obvious.
On a side note, I like the way he pussied out of every potentially insulting thing he said.
"Do you really think someone with a name like Barack Hussein Obama has a chance, I mean, wow! HAH!"
"I don't think there's really anything wrong with his name."
"You're right. It's a great name, I was just joking."
Products that are seemingly designed to waste themselves. I just bought a can of shaving gel. When you press and release the button as quickly as humanly possible, it will dispense enough gel to probably cover your entire body with foam.
What's with dumbasses, particularly on the internet, who think that periods are just a generic all-purpose end for a sentence. What about question marks. What, are these people fucking retarded.
Comedians who get married and have kids and then 59 minutes and 45 seconds of their hour-long show is about marriage an child rearing.
Christians who get tired of me poking fun at their quaint little belief system who think they can shut me up by demanding that I approach the subject from the standpoint of mutual respect. Like, I have my beliefs and they have theirs, so we should just shake hands and fake a smile for each other as we agree to disagree. Mutual respect? Wait a second. See, my viewpoint is that Christians are naive, illogical and ill-informed, perhaps willfully ignorant. Christians' view of me, and everyone else who is not a Christian, is that we are all going to be destroyed and go to hell and be tortured for eternity in a lake of fire, AND... that this is what we richly deserve. Uhhh... How in the FUCK do you expect me to buy the mutual respect line when one of the cornerstone tenets of your belief system is me deserving death and eternal torture just for my beliefs? See, as abrasive as I might come off, I just think you guys are goofy, not that you should DIE AND BE TORTURED FOREVER. Mutual respect? Blow that shit out your asses, hypocrites. You don't respect shit.
Information websites that launch prior to any actual information being written on them, particularly when excellent sites already exist with very thorough information on the same subject. "Welcome to the Asthma Information Site" Below the title are categories: Causes, Symptoms, Prescription Drugs, Over the Counter Drugs, Home Remedies, Allergies, Breathing Exercises. You click on Symptoms. "Information on Symptoms will go here." You click on Home Remedies. "Submit your Home Remedies Here." You click on Prescription Drugs. "Information on Prescription Drugs will go here." Well what the fuck? WHY DID YOU WASTE MY FUCKING TIME? I don't give a flying fuck if you PLAN on writing a page about asthma, and I REALLY don't give a flying fuck if you're getting good HNML practice by making this page. It's an information page, so where's the fucking information?
Here's a great example. This is a guide to notorious monsters in Final Fantasy Online. There are hundreds of notorious monsters in this game. This page has been around for months. See if you can find a fucking monster in it.
Expansion packs for videogames that are basically a collection of a bunch of small, sloppy maps made of already existing game textures and models with way more and way tougher monsters than you could ever possibly beat without cheating. Oh, sure. A map the size of a tennis court with 18 Cyberdemons on it and no cover and no health, weapon or ammo pickups and I'm armed only with the chainsaw. Sure. No problem. This should be fun.
Whenever I go to a deli and order a sandwich, I always ask for "a little mayo." I usually reemphasize this by reiterating, "Just a little bit." Why then do these guys always give me enough mayo to drown a rhino? I mean, maybe I'm way off base, but I thought the purpose of mayonnaise was to give a sandwich a little flavor and moisture, not lubricate the sandwich so I don't need to chew it. Here's a tip. If you work in a deli, and someone asks you for a little mayo, the amount you should use is somewhere between none at all and enough that the bread is kind of floating on it and when the guy takes a bite it squeezes out of the sandwich from all sides onto the floor causing him to slip and break his tailbone - usually on the lower end of that scale.
The hype about the Apple iPhone. Whoopity shit. It's a (gasp) PHONE that you can use to access the INTERNET and it can play MP3s. Holy fuck. I mean wow, really. I mean, you're taking an existing device... a phone... and adding to it the internet... which 99% of existing cell phones can access anyway... and adding an mp3 player... which is also something that many phones have already. OH! BUT IT'S APPLE! I almost forgot. This is the company that still has ads saying how "Wow! I can use my Mac to edit video and images, and use email and update my webpage and use instant messaging programs ON THE INTERNET... even on broadband. FUCKING INNOVATION! HOLY SHIT!" Like every PC on the planet hasn't been able to do all of the above for years, plus play the latest and best games. I watched a thing on TV where the Japanese were laughing at the iPhone. Why? It seems like they'd be really interested in new technology, being such a techy people and all. Well, gee. It turns out that this amazing new iPhone, which hasn't come out yet is years behind existing Japanese cell phones, which they use to shoot and transmit streaming video, carry and edit documents, watch shows on broadband on a wide screen and even SWIPE TO BUY A NEWSPAPER OR ENTER THE SUBWAY. I mean... seriously, Apple, don't you have any friends over there who could maybe, like, let you check out their cell phone for a second and write down some notes on things to put in your AMAZINGLY INNOVATIVE iPhone?
I truly don't mean to harp on Apple just because they're Apple, and don't want to give anyone the impression that I've singled them out unfairly. They're just an easy target because they keep releasing products which are just existing products repackaged in a sleek case and then touted as amazing new innovations, and I'm fucking bored with it. It's like copy-pasting from Wikipedia and turning it in as your thesis. THEY DON'T THINK UP NEW IDEAS. They copy existing ideas and then use their little worshipping zombie fanboys as a market base. Every single one of those screaming doofuses at that "press conference" is someone who would buy the iPhone regardless of its features, regardless of its reviews, and regardless of its cost, just because Apple made it. If Steve Jobs stood on that stage, and said, "I give you.... THE IPHONE!" and then gestured to a curtain, which opened to reveal a marble pedestal with a pile of cow shit on the top with flies buzzing around it, all those idiots would have screamed just as loudly. "ALL PRAISE BE TO EMPEROR JOBS! ALL HAIL! IPHONE WILL SHOW US THE WAY!" Fuck you. How about doing something really innovative like making an iPod that doesn't look like a scratched up piece of shit after a couple of days of normal use?
Meanwhile, the resident Mac-head at my job came to me the other day with a million questions about Windows XP because he can't get it to work right on his Mac. He's running Windows XP.... ON A MAC. He bought a Mac... and two weeks later he's asking me WINDOWS QUESTIONS. If you want to run an IBM-PC-based operating system, JUST RUN IT ON A FUCKING PC, IDIOT.
Remember Sneaker Pimps? If you do, the first thing that probably comes to mind is the sexy-as-fuck voice of Kelli Ali. Remember anything more recent by Sneaker Pimps than "Spin Spin Sugar" or "6 Underground"? Why would you? Of course you don't, because that's what happens when a marginally interesting band fires their far more interesting lead singer. Sneaker Pimps are still somewhat around, by the way, not that I would recommend buying any of the rubber-stamp boring crap that they've put out more recently. They released two albums since Ali left, and they both flopped. Their most recent album, SP4, was recorded in 2003 and their record label rejected it. OOPS. Happy 2007. Of course, all the little die hard fan boys try to convince themselves and each other that Ali, who was in essence a hired gun, was an unneeded element in the band, despite watching the complete lack of success the band has had since firing her. If you read the comments on every one of their post-Ali videos on YouTube, someone always says something along the lines of, "What is this dog shit? What happened to the girl singer?" and 100 fans lose their minds attacking them and giving them history lessons about the band, saying who wrote what, and blah blah blah. If people want to hear "the girl singer," and the band was most successful and notable WITH "the girl singer," who's right, fanboys or the general public? I thought Kelli Ali fell off the face of the earth until recently when I kind of tripped over one of her CD's. I bought a couple of them and have to say that the second one is easily as good as anything Sneaker Pimps ever put out with or without her (the first one was a bit too poppy for my taste). Sure, the lyrics might be a little trite, but could anything be more trite than "Spin spin sugar?"
People who come to my apartment, and know that my neighbor will bitch if there's noise, and don't try to keep it down at all. I recently had some houseguests. One of them has the habit of pacing. She walks to the kitchen, then to the bathroom, then to the living room, then to the kitchen, then to the bedroom, then to the kitchen, then to the living room, then to the bathroom, and on and on and on, flat-footed, so every step is like PLOD, PLOD, PLOD. This goes on for hours until late at night. The morning after the first night, my neighbor went apeshit, saying it sounded like 10 people were stomping around the apartment all night. My guest was present for his tantrum. Guess what happened the second night, and the third night, and the fourth night.... PLOD, PLOD, PLOD.
Christmas Porn. You know, when I'm watching Lily Thai sucking a dick, I mean, that's great and all, but you know what would make it even better? A SANTA HAT. Fuck yeah.
Retarded Christians who say this phrase: "I think it takes a much greater leap of faith to believe in Darwinian evolution than it does to believe God created everything." Let me translate this into what it really means. "I am completely clueless and think that natural selection is a totally random process, when it is in fact completely non-random, and I don't want my faith shaken up so I'm not going to put any effort into understanding it, either that or I understand it perfectly, but am going to deny that it's feasible because I don't want to make God angry at me, plus, how are we going to get prayer and creationism in school if we admit to the feasibility of Darwinian evolution? Darwinian evolution is just crazy talk. It's so much more rational to believe that an invisible, all-knowing, all-powerful being just willed the universe and all living things into existence, and of course, decided on earth as the place he would put every living thing in the universe, and that he created man in his own image, specifically for the purpose of kissing his ass. That's right, an ass-kissing species. See, did Darwin think that far ahead, to a species whose sole function in the universe is worshipping him and doing as they're told? I don't think so!"
People who constantly change their screen names and use multiple IM programs and address you casually like you're going to magically know who the fuck it is.
Feb. 20 on AIM: Slapper420: "YO, dude!"
Mar. 10 on Yahoo: Darkesthour: "Hey, Neg!"
Apr 11 on MSN: Rick967: "Sup"
May 22 on AIM: Turtle0_o: "How's it going?"
June 15 on MSN: Stank278: "Sup, Neg"
... and it's ALL THE SAME PERSON.
What can I possibly add to this?
iSee... The gorilla is farting, and you must press the fart button.... yes, the FART BUTTON, to out-fart the gorilla.... or he will defeat you... in a competition of farting. Not only that, but according to the animation, the gorilla's farts have the power to KILL you. However, if perchance you have the skills needed to smash your mouse button quickly on the fart button, you will be victorious in out-farting the gorilla, which supposedly is a great accomplishment, because when I think gorillas, I think farting contests. If you win, you will be taken to some spam site, where you will give them all the information needed to fill your email inbox with a thousand junkmails a day for everything from debt solutions to F-ar-M_T.eE''nZ until you die, and most likely have your computer infected with all nature of spyware, and maybe, just maybe, if you fully perform the "Required participation," you might be blessed with a cell phone ringtone... and I'm sure we all know how extremely fucking valuable those are.
"Sensitive" electronic devices. For instance, the metal detector at my work will go off if you are carrying a knife or gun... or have some change in your pocket... or a cell phone... or keys... or if you accidentally brush against the sides... or if the elevator across the hall opens... or if someone opens the door and the wind blows through. Of course, when these things happen, the security guy says, "Sorry, it's just sensitive." NO. "Sensitive" is not the correct word. You shouldn't need to empty everything out of your fucking pockets and put them in the little bin because if it was actually sensitive, someone would walk through with a gun and the thing would say, "Warning! This person is carrying a 9 millimeter semi-automatic pistol in a holster under his left arm. This weapon is loaded with eight rounds." Going off when my coat, which has no metal on it whatsoever, brushes against it doesn't make it "sensitive," it makes it retarded.
Christian YTMND's. YTMND is a great site comprised entirely of user created pages. Generally they're just a sound and maybe some text over a picture, animated gif or short video, and are usually humorous or witty. Then there are the Christian YTMND's, which are never humorous or witty. Like I'll be surfing and laughing my ass off at the likes of Brian Peppers, lol internet, Conan makes popcorn, Batman: ualuealuealeuale, and Chunk is Indestructible, and then I come across some sort of "WOW! Jesus sure is great!" *crickets*..... Seriously, do you assholes have to infect and ruin everything? I mean, I think it's fairly obvious that if I'm laughing my ass off at "Nigga stole my bike," I'm not really soul searching, and I definitely am not looking to be converted to fucking Christianity. Get that? NOT EVERYWHERE IS A MARKET FOR YOU TO PEDDLE YOUR SILLY DEAD GUY ON A STICK. FUCK OFF.
Apple does it once again. On Oct. 18, 2006 Apple announced that it accidentally shipped many of its new video iPods with a virus that affects computers running Microsoft Windows. The virus, of course, does not affect Macs. Like complete assholes, on the official Apple website, they said, "As you might imagine, we are upset at Windows for not being more hardy against such viruses." What the fuck is that shit? You GAVE them the fucking virus, and then you turn around and use it as a point of attack against Windows? Viruses don't just randomly APPEAR out of nowhere, someone has to design them. If there are virii on your hardware that you are distributing to customers, it is YOUR fault for either not realizing it's there, or having one of your box-frame glasses flannel shirt retard minions put it there as a "wouldn't it be hilarious if" move. It's like sucker-punching someone in the face and saying, "Damn! How could you just get a bloody nose like that? You're bleeding everywhere. What a pussy."
People who say really open-ended broad things like, "I really don't like music." What? How? I could understand that statement if you inserted any genre before "music," but saying you hate music IN GENERAL is just fucked up and inhuman.
Commercials for those stupid gadgets designed to "make life easier" that feature actors pretending that living without these retarded wampum devices is HORRIBLE. Like, on a commercial for some mattress or pillow, in the "old way" clip they show two people in bed with pained expressions tossing and turning and practically breakdancing in bed because OH MY GOD! THIS REGULAR SPRING MATRESS IS LIKE A TORTURE CHAMBER! I WRITHE IN AGONY INSTEAD OF SLEEPING! Then they cut to people sleeping on the ULTRA-WONDERSLEEP 5000 Mattress, and the people are dead asleep without even any sheets over them and they have huge shit-eating smiles on their faces EVEN IN THEIR SLEEP. Then they cut back to the "old way" people. In the morning they look dead tired and even hung-over and as they are getting out of bed they grab their backs in terrible pain as though they had just been stabbed with a searing hot dagger. Cut back to the ULTRA-WONDERSLEEP 5000 couple, and they are still smiling in their sleep. As the glowing beams of sunshine flow into the bedroom, they open their eyes, wide and alert, still smiling, and STILL IN MAKEUP WITH NEATLY STYLED HAIR, as a cartoon bluebird lands on the woman's finger and sings a delightful good morning tune.
In another ad for some sort of grabby pick-em-up claw thing, they show someone using the stupid thing to pick up a pair of socks off the floor without bending down. Then, in black and white (to mean the person is performing the task in the crazy, old-timey way), the person bends over to pick up the sock, and THERE IT IS AGAIN! ARRRRGGGG THAT DAGGER! OW!!!! PEOPLE WHO ARE GIVING BIRTH DON'T MAKE THIS KIND OF PAINED EXPRESSION! OH THE AGONY OF BENDING OVER AND PICKING UP SOCKS OFF THE FLOOR! OH THE HUMANITY! I WISH I HAD SOME SORT OF WEIRD CLAW THING THAT SELLS FOR $19.99, AND IF I ORDER RIGHT NOW THEY WILL GIVE ME TWO, THAT'S RIGHT, TWO GRABB'EM CLAWS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE! A 500 DOLLAR VALUE!
That fucking horrible new t-shirt smell. I love the way a brand new t-shirt looks, and maybe would like to fucking wear it before I wash it, but I can't, because it stinks so much that when I'm wearing it in the middle of a Chinatown open-air fish market on garbage day in July, all I can smell is fucking new shirt chemicals. Here's a concept: whatever it is that you're putting on new t-shirts to make them stink like industrial ammoniated floor cleaner.... DON'T.
Barbers who think I want a fucking comb-over and don't fucking listen. I have a receding hairline. Who gives a shit? There are more important things in the universe than how many hairs per square inch are on the top of my head. I go to the barber and tell him to cut everything short. He cuts the back and sides short and leaves the top three inches long. "Cut that short too." He cuts approximately two millimeters off the top. "No, cut it short. Like half that length." He cuts off another two millimeters. It makes me want to yank the scissors out of his hand, chop a big chunk out of my own hair and tell him to even it out.
Finally he tells me, "I thought maybe because you're losing your hair you would want me to leave it sort of long on top to, you know, cover up. Like this." He points out his own comb-over which looks absolutely fucking ridiculous.
"No, that's not for me. Just cut it short." He shrugs and finally cuts it the way I ask with a look of reluctance on his face that looked like the one my barber had around 1988 when I wanted him to cut it all punk rock; the look of, "I really don't want to fuck up your hair, but you're forcing me."
What's stupid is that every time I go to a male barber I have to push him to actually do what I say. Women hair stylists on the other hand almost always get it right on the first try, which I attribute to two things: women listen, and they know that comb-overs look like pathetic dogshit.
Assholes who have an excuse for everything. At my last job I went to the staff cafeteria and got a turkey burger. I took it back up to my office, sat down, and took a bite. The thing was not only raw, but was still frozen in the middle. I called the chef and explained. Before I could even finish what I was saying he interrupts me with, "Ehh, don't worry, it's pasteurized." BULLSHIT, ASSHOLE. Yes, I was still concerned about getting sick, but that's just the beginning. I had a half hour to eat. I spent 15 minutes going to get the burger and bring it back. Now, not only would I not want something from the cafeteria for fear of other disgusting shit, but I didn't have time to get something else for lunch at all. I'm going hungry because you're an asshole who spends his day making excuses instead of good food.
Book reviews about atheist writers that approach the content from the standpoint of, "Can you believe this guy? He doesn't EVEN believe that Jesus is the son of God. Man! What's this guy been smoking?" Newsflash, dipshits. Not everyone has the same worldview as you, and basing a REVIEW on how the writer's opinions differ from your own just makes you look stupid. Way to be objective, dipshit.
Businesses that try to rip you off with additional fees and bullshit thinking you aren't paying attention.
I called Dominos Pizza the other day. Okay, yes, I know they have shitty pizza, especially by New York standards, but Dominos delivers pizza for free and I didn't feel like interrupting my video game to go out in search of food. Here's a basic run-down of the conversation.
"Hello, Dominos. Would you like to hear our specials?"
"Yes."
The guy rattles off five or six retarded combos, most of which include multiple large pies with retarded promotional toppings, chicken wings, bread sticks, two liter bottles of Coke and other assorted bullshit. Nothing one person could eat and nothing under 15 bucks.
"How much would it be for just one medium pizza with one topping?"
"$10.25."
"Okay, I'd like a medium pepperoni pizza."
....Long pause.....
"Okay, with the tax and everything that comes out to $14.95. It should get to you in about 45 minutes."
He sounds like he's trying to hurry and hang up, so I catch him. "WHOAH! Wait! How is it $14.95?"
"Well, with the tax and everything."
"Tax is 8.75%. It's the 'and everything' that bothers me. And then I have to tip the driver on top of that?"
"Well that's what it comes out to."
"So you think I'm going to pay 40-something percent sales tax? You know what? Forget it. Cancel my order. That's too much."
Before I can hang up, he catches me. "Sir, hang on..... Okay, I can give it to you for $11.15."
So just like magic, the price just took a dive back down to what it should have been in the first place. Fearing that at this point they would be annoyed enough to put their balls on my pizza, or that somehow the ripoff price would find its way back onto my ticket, I decided the decline the new price. Instead I called the Philly Cheesesteak place a few blocks away that delivers, and it was cheaper, faster, and awesome by comparison to Domino's Pizza.
Now, I'm not necessarily saying Domino's has a policy of ripping off customers. It could have just been an employee pocketing money, but the point is that I probably won't be ordering from them again. They definitely don't have a leg to stand on in the "quality product" department, and delivery is always slow as fuck. Add the sketchy ripoff crap and they win the Trifecta of Shittiness. All anyone is looking for in a pizza place is decent taste and fast delivery at a fair price, so since they offer none of the above, fuck Domino's Pizza.
CGI that still looks like CGI. If i'm watching a movie, I should no longer be able to tell that you did the effects with a computer. It should just look awesome, and not the least bit cartoonish. It's past the point where people think, "Wow! Computers."
Christian logic:
Billboards in many cities in areas with heavy traffic, visible 24 hours a day, and seen by people of all ages, displaying dismembered aborted human fetuses in a pool of blood: A perfectly acceptable, and legally protected exercise of freedom of speech that is effective for rallying people to the anti-abortion political cause.
Janet Jackson's tit on TV for a fraction of a second: Horrifying. Disgraceful. A clear testament to the depravity of American society, and worthy of severe punishment, and sweeping increases in censorship of all media
Companies that stop producing their best products and instead go on to make sub-functional bullshit that nobody gives a shit about.
That bullshit that our parents fed us for our entire childhoods about TV ruining our eyes. I'm 33. My generation has watched more TV than any other generation. As a kid I was a complete TV junkie. As an adult I am either watching DVD's on my 62 inch TV or staring at a computer screen during most of my free time. So... Why the fuck is my vision perfect? A whole generation of people glued to the TV... and where are all the class-action lawsuits from blind people vs. Zenith? It's the same as all those asshole parents who told their kids that whacking off will make you go blind. Seriously, fuckers, is that your solution to everything? Every time Little Bobby is developing a behavior pattern that you find objectionable, "Bobby, you'd better stop leaving your socks on the floor... Uhhh... OR YOU'LL GO BLIND." What sadistic fucks you all were. Don't worry, we'll pay you back when it's time to put you in a home.
Contrived marketing buzz-words that are made to sound as though they are actual features. For example: Retsyn. The people who make Certs want you to think that there is some special beneficial chemical in their mints, so they say "Certs... With Retsyn." Know what Retsyn is? It's fucking mint flavoring, just like every other breath mint has. Know what else Retsyn is? Some fucking imaginary word that Certs made up. This isn't like saying a car comes with anti-lock brakes, but they make it out as if it is.
This morning I was burning a DVD and looked at the package. below the Sony logo was another logo that said "AccuCORE." Oh boy, oh boy! I sure am glad I got Sony DVDR's. I wouldn't want to waste my money on discs without AccuCORE, because you need that.
That's what I need more of in my life, MADE UP BULLSHIT.
Coworkers that you work with for a year who have no clue what you do.
Coworkers that you work with for a year and you have no clue what they do because they're lazy sacks of shit with no apparent function
Dialup. Seriously. Isn't it time to phase this shit out? What could be the argument in favor of a type of internet connection that is slow as fuck - too slow to view most webpages at a comfortable speed, drops all the time, gets busy signals and costs at least 25% as much as networks that are hundreds of times as fast? It's seriously annoying at this point when I tell someone to check something out on YouTube or something and they reply, "Sorry, I'm on Dialup. It would take forever." At this point it sounds like someone saying they don't really understand the point of automobiles and moving picture shows. Dialup can be seen as little more than the stumbling first steps of the internet. It hasn't improved in any apparent way over how it was five years ago. Put the fucking past in the past.
Disagree? Saying "No" is sufficient. This "Nonononononononono" shit can eat my ass. The only reason you're doing that shit is to make annoying noise until people shut up and listen to you. You may as well stick a cork in it because there's no way I'm going to submit and shut up for some moron making an idiotic repetitive noise.
Women who act like they don't get what guys see in younger women, and sometimes even get bitchy about it or act offended by it. Like if a 35 year old guy is dating a 24 year old woman they say, "What are you getting out of that?"
"Oh, gee. What am I getting out of it? Hmmmm. Well there's the fact that she's vivacious and unjaded, energetic, has wonderful smooth, supple skin and perky tits, a tight little ass, has much higher metabolism than you and can eat burgers and pizza and still weigh 120 pounds without really exercising, enjoys going out and staying up late instead of whining about her bad knee, isn't itching to get married, settle down and have children before her fast-approaching 40th birthday, is less apt to think of a boyfriend as a provider before thinking of him as a lover, is unburdened by a long history of breakups and maybe a divorce or two, no kids, no postpartum stretch marks, no ex-husbands, no urgency, no desperation... I don't know, you tell me, what edge could younger women possibly have over you?
Yeah, sure. Men are all superficial assholes. That's why every personal ad ever posted by a woman has one of the following phrases to describe what she's looking for: successful, professional, financially stable, has goals, likes to travel, enjoys fine dining, and other assorted things that imply that she just wants someone who can buy her stuff.
Dry cleaners that staple tags to your clothes. I think one of the most basic keys to being successful in any business is understanding why your industry exists. The dry cleaning industry exists because people want to take good care of their delicate clothes, which would be damaged if they just washed them in a regular washing machine. So they pay a lot more and turn to a professional to use his training and facilities to care for their valuable clothes... AND THEN HE PUNCHES A FUCKING STAPLE THROUGH EVERY ARTICLE OF CLOTHING.
Dumb celebrities that write books.
Do you really think I give a shit about what's on Paris Hilton's mind? Maybe Denzel Washington's? Britney Spears? Mike Foley? Eminem? I'll give you one guess. Here's a hint: First Letter is F, and it ends in uck no.
Fullscreen TV. Seriously, considering that almost every new TV and computer monitor purchased is fucking widescreen, why the fuck hasn't the broadcast media updated their format to what all their customers are using?
Dumb missed business opportunities. In the 90's, at the height of the era of raves and techno music, there was one electronic musical instrument in particular that EVERY techno producer wanted, the Roland TB-303. The sound of it is instantly recognizable. Whenever you hear that characteristic barrage of twerpy farty bass patterns being tweaked and twisted, you knew this little silver box, about the size of a cigar box, was behind it.
The problem with this little fart box was that it was only made for a couple of years, about 7-10 years prior to its rise to fame. Initially it was introduced as a sort of equivalent to a drum machine, except to replace a bass player instead of a drummer. Of course, it sounds nothing like a bass guitar at all, and was scoffed at by artists at the time.
Because it was from the early 80's, much of its design was goofy. It had a step-based sequencer that was so convoluted that it was practically impossible to do anything intentional with it. You basically try to make a tune and fail until one of your mistakes actually sounds interesting. It also had no way to save sounds, and had a sequencer that was backed up by C-cell batteries, and when they died, so did all your hard work unless you had the unit plugged into a wall wart. It also had no midi interface, so synching it to modern gear required a lot of jimmying or perhaps a midi to din-sync box that a couple of small companies made. It was also only monophonic, though many users like this, meaning that it can only play one tone at a time, making chords impossible.
Despite its faults and inarguably limited usefulness, people just couldn't get enough of that sound, and the rare TB-303's would fetch well over 1000 bucks in online auctions. There were even companies that would charge a fee to modify your 303 to expand its functionality or make it fartier and more distorted. Suffice to say, there was definitely a marketing opportunity.
People petitioned Roland with hopes that they would reissue the machine. The architecture of it was very simple, and rereleasing it should have been a no brainer. In fact there was a handful of small companies that made fairly impressive clones of the 303 in both hardware and software forms, but nonetheless, people still wanted the Real McCoy. All Roland had to do was reissue the TB-303, maybe embellish its original analogue design with a couple of modern digital bells and whistles like midi and more advanced memory storage, and they would have had hordes of buyers lined up outside of every music store in the US and UK early in the morning to get their greedy fingers on their very own brand new TB-303 mark II. Imagine that, Roland. Tons of buyers TELLING you what they want, begging you. No market research, no focus groups, not even a huge design team designing a totally new product from the ground up and hoping it sells. What should you do, Roland? Think for five seconds. Each unit will cost you a few bucks to crank out, and buyers are willing to throw 1000 bucks at you, maybe more if the added features are what people want. Imagine, a TB-303 with built in distortion, maybe a couple of new oscillators, an audio-in to run external audio through those blorpy filters. These would all be fairly easy to accomplish, and indeed the company Novation put them in their own 303 clone.
Then one day after years of begging and petitions, the news came. Roland announced that they were releasing the MC-303. It even looked like a sleek modern version of the magic silver box, right down to the tweaky knobs. Everyone was ecstatic. Finally Roland had heard our pleas. As the release drew nearer, hope started to wane a bit, as it started to look like Roland had missed the point. The new MC-303 was more of a workstation, able to play multi-track sequences, drum rhythms, and seemed basically geared towards being an all-in-one machine capable of making entire techno songs. This raised a lot of eyebrows.
Then came the day of the release and all the techno-heads went to the music stores to try it out. BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM...WAAAAAA (Price is Right "You Lose" song). It sounded like shit. They had completely missed the point. All we wanted was a farty, tweakable analogue synthesizer. What they gave us wasn't even a synthesizer at all. All of its sounds were SAMPLES. Practically every jackass making techno music in the 90's had a sampler, and was very capable of doing pretty much the same thing the MC-303 could do, sequence samples of techno type sounds into songs. We wanted the Bassline. We got a tinny sounding box of shit that failed to deliver something so amazingly simple that it was successfully delivered ten years earlier by accident. People wanted the SOUND, not just some silver box with the number 303 slapped on it. Essentially, the TB-303 is an instrument that is loved because it sounds bad, and Roland couldn't even make an instrument that sounds bad right.
Since then, Roland has had a consistent track record of fucking up their remakes of other great 80's analogue gear and staples of techno/electronic music such as the Juno 106 (remake), SH-101(remake), MC-202 (remake), TR-808 (remake), TR-909 (remake), TR-606 (remake), and TR-505 (remake) (Kinda hard to say they messed up the 505, since the original and new 505's are both shit.). They even went so far as to make a modern day 404 to make it seem like a remake of some classic, although no vintage 404 model ever existed previously. Here's a tip, Roland. You made your new "Juno" synth LOOK like a Juno 106. Nobody listening to a CD gives a flying fuck what an instrument LOOKS like. If the only similarity between your new synth and your old synth is cosmetic, fucking call it something else, because anyone shopping for a Juno isn't interested in an all-in-one midi workstation. They just want a fat analogue synth. Get a fucking clue.
Electric razors. Seriously, these overpriced pieces of shit should be fucking scrapped until Norelco or Gillette can figure out how to make a product that actually exceeds the efficiency, comfort and effectiveness of a two dollar Bic disposable razor. You spend a hundred bucks or whatever, and the result is a shave that constantly pinches, leaves stubble and tears your neck into hamburger meat. None of them will shave you as smooth as even the cheapest blade and they fucking HURT. Call me demanding, but pain factor shouldn't even be something to consider when weighing your shaving options. Electric razors have been around for over seventy five years. Figure out how to do it right or just fucking stop making them.
Employees who don't tell anyone when their equipment is in need of service until it completely dies.
"You guys have a breakfast for fifty people that starts in ten minutes! Where's the coffee?"
"The machine is broken."
"But we have four machines."
"Yeah, well, we've only been using one for the past month because the other three are broken, and that one just died this morning."
"Why didn't anyone tell me the others were broken? I could have had them fixed."
*lazy shrug of "don't know and don't give a shit"*
Women who think the only way to be be taken seriously in the professional world is to be a heinous, insufferable superbitch.
I think most people who read this page can figure out one of the things that pisses me off the most: People who, when faced with a scenario for which there is truly only one obvious solution, instead of moving into action stand there glassy-eyed with their mouths dangling open. Like if you're at a restaurant that sells only hotdogs and medium cokes, you don't ponder over your choices, you don't ask the guy at the counter a million questions, you tell him how many, slap your money down and go about your fucking day so the line can keep moving.
Today on the commute home, there was a delay on the 7 train. It was rush hour and the train was packed. It was sitting in Grand Central Station with the doors open for a long time. Often, delays last a few minutes and then the doors close and the train simply continues on its route, so I sat and waited and listened to my headphones. After about half an hour, the announcer came on the loudspeaker. "Attention passengers! Due to a fire and smoke condition on the track ahead, there will be NO 7 TRAIN SERVICE. For service to Queens, please catch the 4 or 5 train upstairs, take it to 59th street, and catch the R, N or W train. Once again, there is NO 7 TRAIN SERVICE TO QUEENS!"
Before he could even begin the sentence about alternate routes, I was out of my seat and pointed towards the door. The announcement came and went, and there we all stood. A few people were exiting the train, but the majority were just standing around like pea-brained cows who didn't understand that it was time to get out of the cattle car, and with nobody around with a cattle prod, they just stood there like idiots. I don't react well to these situations, particularly in packed subways where I'm stifled by people leaning on me from every direction. The door was only about six feet away, but the way out was very effectively plugged by a mass of bodies. After about fifteen seconds of people standing there looking dumb and watching people try to push through the mass of dipshits who seemed intent on staying, and me saying "excuse me" to the unresponsive dipshits repeatedly, I had reached my limit. At these times my mouth starts blurting things out. "GET OUT OF THE DOOR!"
This fifty-something bitch whose bloated ass was a considerable contributor to the blockage tried to shut me up by using the angry mom voice. "JUST... JUST WAIT, OKAY!"
"Wait for what? For you to stop being stupid? I spent the last thirty minutes waiting. You're eventually going to get out, so just get out! Why wait?"
She made some dumb stammering noise as the plug of people finally started to waddle out the door.
Ridiculous over the top digital photo editing. Seriously, some of you idiots need to learn where to draw the line before it looks like fucking anime. The point of using Photoshop to edit porn, or any modeling photography is to get rid of a zit here and a wrinkle there, not to make cosmetic surgery completely obsolete. Look. If I can tell exactly what size brush you used in Photoshop, you did it wrong. If you have a girl in a dimly lit room, her eyes and teeth should not be glowing snow white. Light won't always make perfect circles of glow on a girl's tits or ass cheeks. No, nobody has natural deep ultramarine eyes.
More on this, there are very few things that are more pathetic than Photoshopped fake naked celebrity pictures. I mean, seriously, there are very few things in the world that demonstrate having way too much time on your hands than a really weird looking picture of Lindsey Lohan's too-big head pasted onto a picture of Briana Banks spreading her pussy. The only thing that's worse than that is when they take a real picture of a celebrity in her red carpet best, and they use the eye-dropper tool to get a flesh-tone color, then use that color to cover up her dress with fucked up looking cartoon boobs. Here's a pro tip. There's more to nipples than "tan circle with a slightly darker circle in the middle of it," and making everything fuzzy and airbrush-looking does not add realism.
I was having dinner with a few people from work and we got on the topic of dating and marriage. Normally I hate those conversations, as they are usually dominated by one of two simple minded extremes, exemplified by the songs "Stand By Your Man" and "What Have You Done For Me Lately," but for the most part, the people seemed to be fairly level headed. We talked about what is needed to maintain healthy relationships, trust, forgiveness, realistic expectations, how to keep the spark flickering, etc. Then this one guy who had yet to interject into the conversation said one of the dumbest things I have ever heard come out of a human mouth. It was something along the lines of, "Yeah... It's hard sometimes for a man to trust a woman, because we all know it was a woman that got us expelled from the Garden of Eden. We even gave them a rib, and then, because of their actions, we lost our paradise. Every man has to deal with that." Believe me, I can't write shit that hilarious. This all came pouring out of the mind of this rambling dipshit. Oh, and I'd just like to clarify that we were NOT drinking. That dumbass remark completely obliterated the conversation. After that all the things we talked about seemed stilted and unnatural, like we were forcing conversation on ourselves just to get through the rest of the meal. It's the kind of thing you can't readily bounce back from. Like if someone you're dating tells you that they've met someone new and the sex is awesome and that they can't stand being around you anymore, and then five minutes later, "So how was work?"
I was in a pet store buying some cat food and I was behind this lady who looked like she was in her sixties. She said to the clerk in a farout new-agey tone, "Did you change something? It FEELS better in here."
The clerk politely humored her, "Uhhh, we have a new manager and we rearranged a few things."
Apparently his chakra wasn't tingling as much as hers, so she reemphasized, "But it FEELS better, you know? It FEELS better."
He shrugged. She said it again, making hard eye contact, apparently amazed that he wasn't aware of the spectacular aura shift that was blowing her mind.
Idiots who act like they can't get going in the morning without their DECAFFEINATED COFFEE. Why do people drink coffee in the morning? Because the caffeine wakes them up. You KNOW you aren't getting any caffeine, so there's not even a psychosomatic placebo effect going on here.
If an eight year old child with burns on his hands and whip welts on his back in a sweatshop in India uses a machine to crank out a thousand little silver teapots a day, we call it tableware.
If a guy wearing Kenneth Cole sits in his expensive Lower Manhattan co-op sipping chianti while hammering a piece of silver into a single little teapot of the exact same dimensions, we call it art
Meetings or other events where they give you a gift bag of cheap bullshit. Oh, good! A gift bag! Let's see what we have here... There's a pen that barely even writes and has enough ink to almost finish writing down someone's phone number, a notepad with one, two, three, doot-dee-dooooo uhhh, fifteen pages, a tiny tin of hideous tasting breathmints, some advertisements, a company logo refrigerator magnet that is barely even magnetic enough to hold up its own weight, some other advertisements, a business card, and uhhhh..... Yep... That's it. You know what? Just don't. I don't want this "gift."
Idiots who don't understand how lines work. Last night I was at the customer service counter at a clothing store. I was the first person in line waiting for a long fucking time as the cashier got all chatty with a customer. This lady approached the counter from the side and as soon as the other customer was finished, she blurted out, "I'm here to pick up some purses'" and slapped a receipt on the counter. The lady at the counter then looked at me and I said, "I'm here to pick up a couple of suits," and she reached out her hand and I handed her my receipt. The lady then made this "Guh...Tsss.... Pfff" sort of "what the fuck" insulted pissed off sound. YOU CUT IN LINE, CUNT! That doesn't make you next. I was actually impressed that the cashier didn't just do what this dumb bitch wanted.
People who think that because they are (insert race or national origin) they are inherently a naturally good (insert: lover, musician, comedian, artist, etc.).
Involuntary recycling programs. Look, if you want to spend more energy than is saved by recycling paper, plastic and aluminum, three substances that are not what any sane human would think of as valuable or rare, then by all means, be a deluded hippy and put a gold star on your chart. But when I don't give a shit, and I don't, and you self righteously mandate that I buy garbage bags in fifteen different colors and have an entire wall of my already cramped kitchen occupied by a giant row of garbage cans, and FINE me when I sort the garbage wrong, then you can go fuck yourselves. I'm a single male. I'm lucky if I remember to take ONE garbage can out, and now you want me to take out four? To add to the absurd inefficiency of recycling, the city pays someone to go around with the garbage truck, and if you put some plastic bottles in with the regular trash, they will dig through the bag and try to find a piece of mail with your name and address on it so they can nail the evil-doer with a ticket. This is just another pretentious attempt at feeling like human beings aren't the resource depleting pigs that they are. Want cleaner air, water and soil? Want enough trees, fuel, metal and minerals to last forever? I know the only solution, and it's not a candy-ass mandatory recycling program. NO MORE HUMANS EVER. Face it. It's the only way. People mandating recycling as though it will fix anything is like a "Save the Earth" sticker on a Hummer.
Interviewers who think an interview is about them being a star. Shut up if you're not going to do your job. At best your purpose is only to keep the pace of the interview and keep the topic relevant. The most you could possibly do is steer the interviewee towards topics that are interesting without flinging his lapel mic at you, saying "fuck this," and storming out. This is the core thing for you to keep in mind as an interviewer: YOU ARE LITTLE MORE THAN AN ELABORATE MICROPHONE STAND, and nobody who is watching the interview is watching it because they think you are interesting.
Managers that conduct meetings that seem to serve no purpose other than to give them an opportunity to hear their own voices and feel important. I just attended a 20 minute meeting with about 30 people in attendance. We were told that this meeting was very important and that attendance was mandatory. Here's a basic summary of the meeting:
-You guys are doing a good job.
-You could be doing a better job.
-Your manager's job is to tell you what to do.
-Do what your manager tells you.
-Thank you for coming.
Teenagers who think that just because they enjoyed a clumsy tit squeeze at their middle school dance, they are now adults with a deep understanding of all the complexities of human sexuality.
Metal polish that has a similar effect to spraying WD-40 all over the metal. Look, the idea is to make the surface CLEAN. If I lean against the elevator door and ruin my shirt, I guess it's not fucking clean, is it?
More people who don't fucking get it. I was just in line behind this bitch who wanted a rare hamburger, and would not take no for an answer, and returned her burger with copious bitching when it was too well done... at fucking BURGER KING. Idiot. There isn't some guy in the back with a meat thermometer carefully cooking burgers to order. There's a big fucking machine that runs the burgers over a fire on a CONVEYOR BELT.
That "roll the dice" moment when you clog a public toilet. If I flush it again, will it go down, will it stay clogged but stop short of the rim, or will it overflow? OOOOHHHH! SNAKE EYES.
Managers who panic and employees who gripe as though even the slowest days at work are so ridiculously busy that all they can do is freak out.
Melodramatic idiots who say everything in a "CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?" tone. "So I went to the store, right, and they didn't EVEN have any Coke." Who gives a shit? Drink something else, oh master of drama.
People older than you who assume that with age comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes agreeing with them. "Not a Christian? Well, I was young and rebellious once too. You'll come around. You're liberal? You're still idealistic and naive. When you're my age you'll understand." I've heard this argument used to promote everything from racism to country music to flawed grammar and pseudoscience. The tone is always condescending. The clear message is, "You're dumb and ignorant, and when you're my age, you'll realize how stupid you were and that I was right all along." Pardon me if I don't see eye to eye with the generation that elected Nixon, Reagan and Bush. There's a Bush in office for my generation too, but at least we have the excuse that we didn't actually elect him. Should I revere your wisdom in plastering your car bumper with an "Ollie for President" bumper sticker when he should have been sent up the river for treason, or respect you for making him a senator? You think I'm going to give a lot of credence to a generation that used to go to anti-war demonstrations and now has found "wisdom" in voting Republican, voting church leaders onto their school boards, driving SUV's and shopping at Old Navy? No thanks.
Musicians and artists who do something that is somewhat original, but try to inflate their own egos by acting like they have created something revolutionary.
"We've created this living audio environment."
"Hmmm.... Sounds like ambient music."
"But it has LIFE."
"Well, arguably, all music is supposed to have life"
"You just don't get it."
"I don't get what about your ambient music transcends all spiritual consciousness and creates a brand new evolving universe within itself? Boy, you got me there. Sounds like pretty run-of-the-mill ambient music to me "
Passive aggressive bullshit. If you have some problem with me, have the balls to say something. There is this woman I work with that does the same shit every day. When I arrive at work, I get my clipboard and go to her desk to update my planner so it matches hers. I ask to see the planner, which nine times out of ten interrupts a personal phone call and she makes me wait for a minute or two, pretending not to see me. After she's had her fill of making me wait, she turns to me and asks what I need, even though I need the exact same thing every time.
People in charge of keeping records who lose shit and act like it's your fault. Today when I came to work today my ID card didn't work. The security guard made a phone call to the ID office and said they needed to see my birth certificate. I replied that I had already shown them my birth certificate months earlier and that I obviously didn't have it with me. The guard gave me a frustrated sigh, got on the phone again to tell them I didn't have it with me, and then said to me,"Well, you can go through today, but they need it," as though I DID something to make THEM lose the fucking thing and that they were cutting me some slack and LETTING me come to work, despite them not having a copy of a document which THEY lost.
People in elevators who make it as obvious as possible that you are inconveniencing them by riding in the same elevator as them. How dare you delay the Lord of Elevators by making his trip take six seconds longer?
Today I got on a down elevator on the eighth floor. The guy who was already in it looked perturbed that I got on, and as soon as I got in, he hit the "close door" button. He was headed to the third floor. As soon as I hit the button for the sixth floor, he let out one of those loud sighs. You know the sound. It's not really a sigh so much as it's getting every bit of air out of your lungs with as much force as possible so it sounds like, "HUHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!" He crosses his arms and stands there rocking his weight from one foot to the other, getting himself as wound up as possible. I mean, how could some fucker get on HIS elevator and delay him TWICE by getting on AND off before he gets to his destination? The elevator got to the 6th floor and I got off. I looked over my shoulder, and out of the corner of my eye I saw him poke the "door close" button as soon as I stepped outside the door. The source of his annoyance was leaving and he was free to captain his 8x8x6 vessel away into the sunset... Then just before the door fully closed I waved my hand in the crack to trip the sensor and the door sprung open. As I walked away he made a sound like, "PFFFFFT EKK GUHHHHH!!!" and I heard the flick-flick-flick-flick sound of him frantically smashing the "door close" button.
People such as customers or managers who constantly change their minds and act like your inability to read their thoughts is basically you making a mistake. I just had a client come up to me asking if her printed menu cards are ready. We only make these on request and she did not order them previously. I said we did not have them for her and asked if she would like me to order them for her. She made the annoyed "you fucked up" face and walked away without a word. Pull your shit together before you switch into intolerable cunt mode, ass eater.
People that either don't understand how two way radios work or don't get the idea of using them to give concise information, and leave the button pressed so they can ramble on and on and don't let you respond, so when you try to hit the button on your radio to reply, you get that BEEEP sound. "Hey, I just wanted to tell you that the client in room 530 ordered five extra soft drinks...*BEEEEEEP* so I just thought you should know about it... *BEEEEEEEP* ...because I know you need to bill them....*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP* ...so that's five extra soft drinks... *BEEEEEEEEP* ...in room 530... *BEEEEEEP* ........so I thought I should call you.......... *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP* .....to let you know....*BEEEEEEP* so you can bill them...... Hello?..... *BEEEEEEEEEEP* .... Hello? *BEEEEP* Did you get that?.........................*BEEEEEEEEEEP* (At this point you throw the radio against the floor and are angry because it's fairly durable and doesn't smash into a million pieces.)
People that hear that I live in New York City who immediately ask me if I heard about some major news event in New York. "Did you hear about that New York Yankee who crashed his private plane into that apartment building?"
"Wait, WHAT? A NEW YORK YANKEE DID WHAT? When? How? Really?"
Gee, I might occasionally hear about major news events that are the front page stories in the international media that happen a half mile away from me in the most populous city in the western hemisphere.
People that smoke so much that when you're standing five feet away from them, and they aren't even currently smoking, it smells like you shoved your head up a cigarette's asshole.
People who always refer to everyone by a nickname.
"Yo, Big J! How's it hangin'? Oh, hey! If it isn't the Captain himself! How's it goin', Captain?"
"Hey there, FUCKTARD! Well if it isn't Mister FUCKTARD who thinks not remembering people's real names is endearing! WHATTUP, FUCKTARD!"
People who are perfectly comfortable picking their noses regardless of who is looking at them. Some of these fucks will even do it when they are talking right to your face. Hey, assholes. Welcome to society. Society thinks that is revolting, so, uh, STOP IT.
People who are totally baffled by credit. "Why the fuck didn't I get that loan?" Oh, gee... Probably because your credit is shit. Seriously, what is so complicated? If you are loaned money, you pay it back on time. The utility company sends you your bill, you pay it on time. Your rent is due on the 1st of the month, you don't pay it on the 17th. You have a cell phone plan or a membership at a gym, you pay your bills on time until the contract is finished. WHAT THE FUCK IS SO MYSTERIOUS?
People who don't own a single article of clothing, other than jeans, that isn't athletic wear - particularly when they don't regularly engage in any athletic activity. No, standing on the corner with your buddies, drinking beer and yelling at girls doesn't qualify.
People who have food allergies who don't say shit until they are in the middle of an attack. "Oh my god, you're swelling up like Tetsuo in 'Akira!' You're allergic to seafood, onions, tomatoes, AND peppers? We didn't HAVE to eat at Bayou Bill's Jambalaya Shack."
People who save empty liquor bottles and use them as decorations in their homes. Let me explain something. When you buy a consumable product that comes in a container, and then you consume the product, the container is now GARBAGE. Do you save old chicken bones and empty McDonald's ketchup packets too? Is it a trophy? "Hee-yuck! I done dranked that whoooole thing!" Good for you. You got drunk. Be sure to save the bottle to commemorate June 22, 2003, a date which holds no historical significance other than, "Dag-gone! I sure was drunk!"
People who seem to love to fight who always hear everything the wrong way.
A guy and a girl go on vacation. On the way home the guy says, "This was the best time ever."
What he means: "I had a really good time and am very happy."
What she hears: "This was the most fun I ever had with you because normally I'm completely bored and miserable whenever you're around, but this was actually surprisingly tolerable by comparison. Even all those times you fucked me were really disappointing and not very noteworthy and I'm pretty disgusted with you most of the time and I think you're a complete bitch and usually you are a detractor from how much fun I have rather than someone who makes me happy. I honestly don't know why I'm wasting my life hanging around you because alI you do is bring me down. Your ass is flabby and your tits are saggy and I think I'd have a lot more fun if I was with some hot little nympho who knows how to do something in bed besides sleep or read a book. Maybe I could meet a girl who's younger and better looking than you who knows how to give a decent blowjob and actually even enjoys swallowing my semen instead of constantly nagging me and acting like she's PMSing 365 days a year (366 on leap years). I was truly shocked and relieved that we could actually be together for longer than two hours without having to sit through "Runaway Bride" or "The Ya Ya Sisterhood" or "The Wedding Planner" or another one of those retarded cookie-cutter chick flick snore-fests. I actually mentioned that I had a good time purely out of surprise that I could actually stand being around you for a whole week without you turning into a giant asshole or starting on one of your pathetic fits of crying for no reason. A good time with you? Wow! I never would have guessed that was even possible!"
People who should know better, like party DJ's, who have their EQ's set all wrong. I mean, can you not hear that it sounds like a shitty mish-mash of muddy midrange and ear-splitting treble?
People who think of a newspaper as a daily publication about sports surrounded by a bunch of paper that has no apparent purpose. They fail to realize that there is a purpose to the rest of the newspaper... advertising cars, advertising movies, advertising clothes, advertising real estate... oh, and important news events like Madonna adopting African babies.
People who think that people with allergies are just overreacting, as though having a massive sneezing fit or asthma attack is something they can control. I'm allergic to dogs and always have been. In fact I have been to the hospital several times for asthma attacks because I was around dogs. Often the person with the dog says things like, "Oh, you should be fine. I vacuumed and I'll put the dog outside while you're over," as though all the dander and saliva in their carpet, on their couch, in the air, and literally covering every surface in their house is just magically gone. I'll meet you for coffee, meet up for a movie, have dinner in a restaurant, or we can hang at my place, but I'm not going to try to pretend to be relaxed and enjoying myself while it feels like my lungs are filled with steel wool and someone is standing on my chest. But your dog is a member of the family, you say? Fine. Enjoy your family. I'll be somewhere else, not interrupting your wonderful family life.
People who use "kiss of death" terms for people when everyone knows these by now. Here's a tip for the ignorant. If someone you don't know well calls you "chief, boss, my friend, bud, champ, etc." just take it to mean retarded fuckhead.
People who use the restroom, go to the sink and then splash cold water on their hands for half a second. Who do you think you're fooling? The idea is to get rid of the germs, not just slightly moisten them.
People who wake up, take a shower and brush their teeth, eat breakfast, brush their teeth, commute to work, wash their hands, have a cup of coffee, brush their teeth and wash their hands, go to a meeting, wash their hands, do some work, wash their hands, eat lunch, brush their teeth, do some more work, wash their hands, have a pepsi with a straw, brush their teeth and wash their hands, commute home, take a shower, wash their hands, eat dinner, brush their teeth, watch tv, take a shower, brush their teeth and go to bed... who think everyone around them is a filthy animal.
Public restroom freaks. The restroom I am in as I write this is in very good repair. It is clean and all of the stalls have doors with perfectly functional latches on them. WHY then did I just walk in and see this fucker sitting there with his pants around his ankles taking a shit with the stall door wide open? Hmmm... Let's just look at my list of things I want to see... Yep, there it is right at the very bottom: "Man taking a shit."
Q: What do you call someone who drinks 250 dollar scotch?
A: An asshole.
Retarded graphic designers. I just saw an ad for a microwave oven that made my eye twitch. The microwave was shown straight on. "Inside" the microwave was a bowl of popcorn. While the idea of an uncovered bowl of popcorn in a microwave is stupid in the first place, what really pissed me off was that the bowl was shot from a 3/4 kind of top-down angle. Think about this for a second. The oven is sitting flat, viewed straight on, yet something which is supposedly sitting inside it is viewed from above. This picture isn't from the ad, but I made it to give you a general idea.
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Retards who get cosmetic surgery, and then a few months later look exactly the same plus scars.
Ridiculously aggressive people. Today I was crossing the street, and there were cars coming. I intended to cross the street going north, and then walk down the block going east, so I kind of walked along the edge of the street going east alongside the parked cars until traffic was clear so I could cross. I didn't realize there was someone in one of the parked cars, and as I walked, a car door swung open a few feet in front of me. I was surprised, but didn't really think anything of it, and just walked around it and continued on my way. Then I heard this barrage of bitch noise from behind me. I call it bitch noise because that's really the best way to describe it. This bitch got out of her car and was hurling all kinds of insults and accusations at me. I really didn't listen to what she actually said, suffice to say, she basically had gotten out of her car to kick my ass for walking NEAR it. "HOW YOU GONNA (yackety yackety) FUCKIN' MOTHERFUCKER GONNA (blah blah blah)" and so on and so forth. I crossed the street and walked down the block, trying to ignore the steady stream of bitch noise. As I rounded the corner of the block, I looked back at the car, and she was STILL standing next to it giving me the hard alpha stare.
That weird iridescent wet-look thing that happens to wool suits when they have been worn too much. "What, already? FUCK! Now I have to buy a new suit before people realize I don't actually enjoy looking like some pencil-dicked republican."
That weird long pinkie nail thing on guys. Why the fuck? These guys cut all of their nails short, except they leave just the nail on their pinkie long and disgusting. What the fuck is that for? I had a waiter at my last job who did that shit once, and I told him to cut it. He tried to make excuses for having it without actually explaining what the fuck it was. I was like, "You serve FOOD. People see your hands as you set the plates down. In fact, some people have a habit of intentionally looking at waiters' hands to make sure some filthy jerk isn't handling their food." He kind of laughed, but I restated that he needed to cut it. The next day he showed up and I looked and it was still there, so I went to my office, grabbed a nail clipper and handed it to him. He acted really weird and reluctant to cut it off, once again tried to dodge the subject. He cut it off and as he handed the nail clipper back he had an expression like I had just popped his balloon.
The bullshit redundant word, "guesstimate." What the fuck do you think a guess is? It's a fucking estimate.
The fact that a large cross-section of Mac idiots think that Mac is immune to viruses. Why would hackers bother writing viruses for 5% of computers? If they had the interest, of course Mac would have more viruses. Besides, the people who write viruses are generally advanced computer users, and advanced computer users are highly unlikely to use a Mac because Mac is shit. Mac not getting viruses is akin to nerds who can't get laid to save their lives being safe from HIV.
The fact that on practically every phone menu, the very last option is the one everyone wants, to speak to an actual human. This is made even more excruciating by the fact that the person on the recording speaks painfully slowly and on more and more of these, "0" does not get you a person.
"Welcome to Annoying as Fuck Company..... Insert trite corporate slogan.... In order to better serve you...... Please slelect one of the following..... options....... For English...... Press 1 *BOOP* ....... Welcome to our customer service....... menu..... Please be aware that for quality assurance and training..... purposes..... this call may me monitored..... or recorded..... Our phone menu has changed..... Please listen to the following.... options....... To reach our sales.... department.... press one.... For wholesale..... press two.... for accounts payable..... press three..... For accounts receivable..... press four...... For international orders.... press five...... To track a shipment..... press six.... For human resources... press seven..... For business hours and retail store locations.... press eight.... For tax exempt and government orders.... Press nine......." You smash the zero out of desperation. *BOOOP!!!* "....... I'm sorry.... That is an invalid entry....." WHAT THE FUCK!!! "Welcome to our customer service....... menu....." Holy fucking shit! You then sit and listen to all the options again. "....For tax exempt and government orders.... press nine..... If you know your party's extension..... you may enter it at any time..... To speak to a customer service representative...... press one-nine-three...." WHAT?! FUCK YOU!
The fact that the filthiest, most disgusting guy in every restaurant is always the guy washing the dishes.
The fact that there are a million video games about auto racing, and the primary objective in 999,999 of them is: "Don't bump into the sides or you will slow to a crawl and it will take for-fucking-ever to reaccellerate and beat the lead car which is so far beyond any kind of realistic human reflexes that it's basically just the game cheating."
The way book reviews come out AS the book is coming out.
The way people in the Bush administration repeatedly make allusions to the Nazis. They paint America's enemies as the "Axis of Evil," "Fascists," and make references to the Nazis over and over as being terrible, evil people, the likes of which they are trying to defend America against, yet they are using almost identical tactics, fearmongering, rhetoric and propaganda as the Nazis did.
Customer service people who don't know shit about shit. I called my bank today to add an alternate authorized address to my checking card so I can use it to make online purchases and receive FedEx shipments at work. I called and went through the phone menu maze until I came to a live person (I use the term loosely). She said that it was impossible to add an address, as the system would recognize the added address as my new address and all my statements, etc. would be sent to my job.
I hung up, called right back, got a different operator, and three minutes later I hung up with a new alternate address successfully added to my account.
This trend of people just saying "No I didn't" as their defense when they are caught red handed doing shit. I seriously can't remember a time in my life that so many people were so full of shit that they will look straight down the lens of a camera and say, "Nuh-uh" when a camera just like it caught them doing what they are now denying.
Bush's battle cry for the last few years in regards to Iraq has been "Stay the Course," meaning that we will stay there until the job, whatever the hell that job is today, is done. When the Republicans were in the final stretch of their House and Senate campaigns, Bush said basically that he never said "Stay the Course" and that he was flexible. Out came the videotape of him saying it about a dozen times.
Of course this mirrors Bush's pal, Dick Cheney, who before the war said that Iraq was producing WMD and was an "imminent threat." After no evidence of WMD was found, "I never said that." Out came the videotape, and after watching it, he retorted that they obviously misunderstood him. What the fuck else could he mean,?"And by 'Imminent threat,' of course, I mean that I really like pizza. Pizza is delicious." Bullshit.
Today I saw a hilarious video of Faith Hill pulling a Kanye West at the Country Music Awards. They showed all of the nominees for best female artist in this sort of montage, and when they called someone else's name, Faith Hill threw up her hands, looked around in disbelief and then screamed an incredulous "WHAT??!!!" into the camera before storming out of the shot. Later she said that it was a joke and it would be "unimaginable" that she could show such poor sportsmanship. I don't have to imagine it, dipshit. I SAW it.
While we're on the topic of music entertainment, let's all be serious for a second. We all saw Janet Jackson's tit. We all know it wasn't an accident or a "wardrobe malfunction" that caused us all to see the tit, right? She even had an elaborate nipple clamp for the occasion, which she's lucky Timberlake didn't accidentally grab and tear off. I think it's moot to go into whether or not seeing the tit was shocking or whatever. I am of the opinion that, while I have seen better tits, and it was a pretty dumb stunt, seeing a tit is almost always better than not seeing a tit.
Seriously, what ever happened to, "I fucked up. Sorry about that." The answer to all of the above circumstances is, "My bad," not " Who, ME? Not me. Nuh-uh. I would never."
Toilet paper has many criteria by which you could grade it: texture, thickness, softness, absorbency, number of plies, quilted/flat, etc. However, the criteria used by pretty much every asshole who maintains a public restroom is: low cost, low cost, low cost, low cost and low cost.
"Hmm... Time to order another palate of toilet paper. Let's see what we can find in this paper supply catalogue.... Charmin... neh... Northern.... neh.... Bargain basement... Nnnnneh... Campground grade.... Nnnnnnneh.... Wait a second. What's this brand, 'Not for Human Use?" Never heard of that one before. WOW! Ten thousand rolls for three dollars! Sold! Boy, that was a hard day's work. T.G.I.F! Guess I'll go see if I can knock some candy bars out of the snack machine until quittin' time."
Employers who think that part of the package deal for you being employed by them is that they can call you at any hour of the day or night, and 90% of the time, it's something they could have told you at an actually reasonable time. Then, when I hit "ignore" on my phone, they call right back, because they're too IMPORTANT to leave me a message. Then I hit ignore and turn off the phone. Then, 3 hours later, when I wake up and call them back, they act annoyed that I didn't pick up the phone earlier. Here's a tip. At 6am on my day off, you are the LAST person I'm going to talk to. It's not "take one for the team" time 100% of the time.
People who think they are being edgy by ripping on Christmas, the materialism of Christmas, etc. Woooo. Way to really go out on a creative limb there. That totally hasn't been done
That dumb recurring theme in kids' cereal commercials: Theft or otherwise trying to get something one is not supposed to have. Think of the Trix Rabbit, Fred and Barney, Lucky from Lucky Charms, and the Cookie Crook (before GM turned into giant pussies and got rid of him but kept his fucking DOG). Seriously, what the fuck? Trust me, kids want your shit anyway. You don't need to market it in a "OH MY GOD, YOU GOTTA HAVE THIS NO MATTER WHAT, EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO STEAL IT OR TRICK YOUR MOM TO GET IT" way.
Activists for legitimately good causes who weaken their arguments through exaggerations, sloppy journalism, fabrications, excessive emotion,etc. Look at Michael Moore for instance. Don't get me wrong, I think his heart is in the right place, but he exaggerates figures, scripts and stages interviews, uses things out of context, plays on emotion, uses "clever" editing, etc. Then when his documentary comes out, all his subjects have to do is point out how misleading it was, cite some evidence of his inconsistencies, exaggerations, and lack of journalistic integrity, and the people he attacks get the last laugh.
Ball busters who think they can magically and instantly become your best buddy. I am a manager. It is my job to make sure my staff is constantly busy, does high quality work, doesn't screw around, and doesn't steal or damage company property. I'm actually not one of those evil martinet asshole managers, but nonetheless, I understand why I don't get invited out for beers on fridays. It's something I accept.
Today we had a client who had an all day meeting with a breakfast, a morning coffee break and a buffet lunch. The guy is a royal pain the ass from the time he comes in until he leaves. We have his meetings a few times a month, and the guy has become famous for being a complete cock about everything to do with his meetings. "You're not going to put the napkins there, are you? Where is the caffeine free diet coke? I SPECIFICALLY ORDERED CAFFEINE FREE DIET COKE! You're just going to put the salad dressings in bowls? Don't you have some sort of sauce boats? Get those sandwiches out of here. They look atrocious. You're going to just use white tablecloths? Ugh. You're going to ice the ice water glasses NOW? Lunch isn't for another 15 minutes!"
So today the staff was in an unused dining room eating breakfast and he walked in, sat down at the table with the waiters, as all the staff is giving him the 'what the fuck do you want' look, and he starts cracking jokes. Within 3 minutes, the entire staff had scarfed down their breakfast and 'politely excused themselves.' Sorry, asshole. You can't just switch it on and off when you feel like it. You're a dick, the staff all think of you as a dick, and you will always be a dick. Thanks for ruining breakfast, dick.
Celebrity impersonators. Seriously. Here's a step by step guide to being 99% of all impressionists.
Step 1: Create a unique reportoire of people you impersonate. You know, like George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Robert De Niro, Jerry Seinfeld, Sean Connery, Jack Nicholson, Arnold Schwarzeneggar, Rodney Dangerfield, Sylvester Stallone, William Shatner, Christopher Walken, Joe Pesci... You know, people that no other impersonators do.
Step 2: Have no material outside impersonations.
Step 3: Find one or two phrases or mannerisms that your subject says or does... OR EVEN THAT THEY DON'T. Fuck it, just make something up. Use these at least once every three sentences. For instance, if you're doing George Bush Sr. say "Wouldn't be prudent." As long as you talk like a frumpy old man and wear round black rimmed glasses and hold a cigar, your George Burns is golden. If you're doing Bill Clinton, point with your thumb. If you're doing Joe Pesci, just do that entire fucking "Do I amuse you" dialogue verbatim and retards will laugh.
Retards who believe urban myths even after you say, "Yeah, I heard that one before. In fact, here's a website on urban myths and here's a page with that myth specifically, including a couple of variations." Go ahead. Keep believing in the vanishing hitchhiker, and I will keep thinking you're an idiot. What's even worse are the people who you catch telling you an urban myth, and they then either try to embellish the story to try to differentiate it from the myth, or try to defend it as "THIS HAPPENED TO ME!! WHY WOULD I MAKE SOMETHING LIKE THIS UP? I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!" Well gee. Why would you make up something like your involvement in a well-known urban myth? It makes you seem interesting? It sparks conversation? You're a liar? To get laid? Pick one.
Assholes who go to restaurants and nickle-and-dime their waiter the entire time they're there. This guy has other tables too, dick. "Could I get another coke?" The waiter goes to the kitchen, gets a coke and delivers it to the table. Before he can walk away, "Oh, and can you bring us some more bread?" The waiter goes to the kitchen, makes a bread basket and delivers it to the table. Before he can walk away, "Oh, and also could you bring us some more butter?" The waiter goes to the kitchen, makes a butter plate and delivers it to the table. Before he can walk away, "Oh, and can you bring me some more salad dressing?" The waiter goes to kitchen, finds a ramekin, pours salad dressing in it, and delivers it to the table. Before he can walk away, "Oh, and actually, could I get a new coke with no ice? I might not have said I didn't want ice." The waiter goes to the kitchen, pours a new glass of coke without ice, takes the coke to the staff restroom, dunks his balls in it, stirs it around a little bit with his balls, pulls his balls out, shakes the excess coke from his ballsack over the glass, washes the rest of the coke from his balls so as not to get a case of syrup nuts, checks the coke to ensure it is free from curly hairs that might give away the special care he has given the order and delivers the coke to the table. Before he leaves, he cheerfully asks, "Will there be anything else, sir?" When I'm eating with someone and they do this to the waiter, I feel like leaving the waiter a 30% tip, apologizing to them right in front of the person I'm with, and explaining to the waiter that the person I'm eating lunch people was raised by ass trolls.
Cell phone belt clips that are designed in such a way that the phone falls on the ground whenever you don't stand perfectly still or if the wind blows a little.
Cell phone belt clips that are designed in such a way that you can rarely even manage to get it off and answer the phone before it goes to voicemail.
Disproportionately strict uniform rules for low-paying entry-level jobs. I understand that you want your employees to reflect your desired company image, and that you can't have some dick with filthy fingernails and a "Fuck You" shirt working the counter, but if all you're willing to pay is minimum wage, and offer no benefits or job security, then fuck you - the lip ring stays in. If all you offer your employees is an absolutely unenviable McJob, then get a McClue. You can't expect to pay someone shit, and make them do shit, and expect them to be perfect.
Employees who have one of their coworkers fuck up, causing them to do five seconds of extra work, who go to the manager and say, "I don't want to work with them anymore." Tough shit. I currently have an employee who doesn't want to work with about two thirds of his coworkers. I have the perfect solution. Quit.
Fuckers with runny noses who sniffle and snort with every inhale. *Sniffff* (wait 3 seconds) *Snifffff* (wait 3 seconds) *Sniffffff* Blow your fucking nose, snotface.
Graffiti morons. What's the fucking point? So your scribbling skills can be admired by future generations? Not likely. There is this door at my subway stop that gets completely covered in graffiti and then painted over about once a week. Do you idiots just not see what's coming? You scribble your bullshit on the door, then a few days later you're at the station and think, "Hey, I'm gonna go admire my scribble... But wait! It's gone! I'll show them!" *Scribble scribble*
So after months of graffiti/paint over/graffiti/paint over, the New York Police Department, like the retards that they are, decided to DO something about it. Did they set up a hidden camera? Did they have someone watch the door undercover? NO. They placed an office chair, facing the door, about 15 feet away, and put an in-uniform police officer, IN PLAIN SIGHT in that chair... 24 hours a day for about 3 months. YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK. Think of the logic here, seriously. They are PAYING PEOPLE TO SIT ON THEIR FAT ASSES AND WATCH.... A DOOR... so that they won't have to expend a couple of cents every few weeks to paint over graffiti, OR JUST SAY FUCK IT, and not even bother to paint over it. Think of the logic at work here. They think they are going to CATCH SOMEONE by doing this. They think the perpetrator(s) are just going to walk right up, flip off the cop who is sitting RIGHT THERE, and spray graffiti on the door while the cop watches. It's fucking staggering how stupid that is.
Guys who have really absurdly inflated anxiety about women menstruating or the fact that they have to share the same universe as tampons and pads. The idea of handling a sealed package of clean tampons totally freaks them out. You know, because little cylinders of cotton are a serious threat to their manhood. "Oh my god! She has maxi pads in her purse. That means that she's a woman somewhere between the ages of 11 and 60. Holy shit, I bet she even has (gasp) a VAGINA!"
Hardcore right-wingers and hardcore left-wingers who think that if you are not a hard-liner you have no spine and don't believe in anything.
People who are centrists because they don't want to offend anyone.
Jobs where there is no place for the employees to sit down except the public restroom toilet.
Lazy Photoshopping. Budweiser is the absolute worst for this shit. You'll see an ad and four people will be holding dew-speckled bottles of Bud Light... the SAME bottle of Bud Light. All the dew speckles are in the exact same spots. I recently saw an ad for the Bronx Zoo that featured a family-like group of giraffes. Some were smaller, some facing left, some right... but it was the same fucking giraffe. It wasn't even multiple pictures of the same giraffe, just multiple copies of the same picture scaled up or down and flipped left or right. Let's think about this shit for a second. You picked an animal that has UNIQUE SPOT PATTERNS that make one animal easily identifiable from another and then copy-pasted them all over an ad like nobody would notice. It takes two seconds for someone to look and think, "Oh. It's just a bunch of copies of the same thing. They must think I'm stupid."
Managers who don't think you need time off because they don't relate to what you do in your spare time. "I know it's really slow on Friday, but why do you need to take off? You're just going to play on the computer. You can do that here."
People are overly apologetic when they slip and curse. "I have all the reports done that I need for the meeting, I just need to pick up some shit from my desk. OH! I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Excuse me. It slipped. Sorry. Sorry." Who gives a fuck? Did you see my jaw drop open and hear me gasp in horror? No, you didn't. I think it's fair to say that everyone over the age of three has heard the word 'shit' and the only adults who will really recoil and make a big stink about it are born again christians... And who gives a shit what they think?
New York City hustlers. I wasn't born in the city, but I have always had a fairly keen perception for when someone is trying to rip me off. Suffice to say, the "I live in a neighboring town and need to get home to my wife who is giving birth right now but I don't have any money for gas" guy gets about as much money from me as Greenpeace gets from Dick Cheney.
So I'm walking through the subway station hallway and this guy is walking in the opposite direction. He's turning his head to talk to his friend and is not watching where he's going. I am walking in a perfectly straight line. As he nears me he veers a bit towards me and bumps into me. I say what you might expect. "Watch where the fuck you're going, dipshit." Yes, I have a big fucking mouth, but sometimes that's what the job calls for.
The guy then starts pointing to the ground and giving me the "What the fuck" gesture. I look down and see a broken pair of glasses on the ground. They had supposedly been in his left hand and were knocked to the ground when he bumped me.
"Why don't YOU watch where you're going, asshole," he said. "You fucking broke my glasses."
"No, YOU broke your glasses. If you weren't so busy giggling with your friend and swerving to run into me, your glasses would be fine."
"You gonna pay for that? That shit cost me 200 bucks!"
"Why? Do I have to pay every time you break something yourself? YOU bumped into ME."
At this point he gave up and was like, "Whatever." He reached down and picked up the glasses and went on his way.
Later that day I was at work telling my coworkers what had happened. As I told the story, one of them in particular seemed unusually interested, even agitated.
"Was it a tall black guy?"
"Yeah."
"Was this at the train station at the corner of 6th and 42nd?"
It occurred to me that I had not mentioned exactly what train station this had happened in. "Yes it was. Why?"
"I gave that fuckin' guy fifty bucks the other day."
A few months later some kid at Fordham in The Bronx did the exact same thing. I saw him coming at me from a mile away, glasses in hand. When the glasses hit the ground and he made the "what the fuck" gesture, I calmly said, "Oh, hey! It's that 'pay for the broken glasses' scam. Sorry, kid. I've seen that shit before. Now fuck off before I find a cop."
Apparently "Whatever" is the standard response when the supposed victim isn't buying it, because he said the exact same thing as the first guy.
On the opposite end, you have people who are so stupid that people can easily rip them off with obvious or well-known scams. One particular thing that comes to mind is "Three Card Monte." I moved to NYC from Kentucky, and I was amazed to find people still playing it, because EVEN A GUY FROM KENTUCKY knows it's bullshit. For those unfamiliar with what this is, a guy will set up a tray-table or a smooth board on top of milk crates on a sidewalk. He has three playing cards that have been creased vertically, so he can pick them up by the raised "spine" and shuffle them around. One is usually the Queen of Hearts. People bet on being able to pick the Queen of Hearts once he stops shuffling. He then flips the card over to show them that they fucking LOSE, LOSE, LOSE. At least, that is how this "game" appears on the surface. In reality, this is not really a game, or even gambling, but a simple sleight of hand magic trick with a little social engineering thrown in for good measure. See, in gambling, there is a probability that you will win. Three Card Monty is basically just handing your money to some asshole because you're too stupid not to. You CANNOT WIN, unless he DECIDES he wants you to win. You can follow the card perfectly, and when you point at it, he will ALWAYS turn it over to reveal that you are wrong. Even if you point at the correct card, when he flips it over, it will not be the Queen of Hearts. How do people get lured into this hopeless scenario? One thing that helps grease the wheels is that an observer will see groups of people beating the guy and winning wads of cash. These are not "winners." These people are part of the scam, and at the end of the day, they all split the "winnings."
People in crowded public spaces that seem to think that if their bag keeps hitting you it doesn't count. Yesterday on the train, this fucktard had a briefcase that kept bumping the back of my knee. I let my knee bend a bit and then quickly straightened my leg, flicking the briefcase away. This made the guy's arm flop upwards. He gave me this look like I was crazy, which, of course, is in my favor in a situation where some douchebag thinks he can get away with being a douchebag because surely nobody would be crazy enough to say something. He moved. Thank you for moving, shit-neck.
People who are too stupid to assess a situation and think for two seconds. I was just in an elevator at work. The door opened and this guy with a cart of office supplies got on... well... almost. The cart was about three inches too long for the door to close. It was also almost the full width of the door, which made changing the angle of the cart impossible. Did the guy realize the cart was never going to fit, and take it to the freight elevator on the other side of the floor where it would definitely fit? What do you think? Instead, he backed the cart up a few inches and rammed it against the back wall of the elevator. Then when it still wouldn't fit he put his back into it and used steady force to push the cart against the back wall of the elevator, like the steel cart was just going to squish like an accordion until those last three inches fit inside and the elevator door would close. Finally after 15 seconds or so, the elevator door had enough and started beeping and closing, sort of the elevator equivalent of "move it or lose it." Now the guy was really determined, and he started ramming it repeatedly against the back wall of the elevator. I was tired of the bullshit too, and said, "It's not going to fit. You need to go to the freight elevator. " He looked at me as though I had just slapped his daughter in the mouth with my dick. He gave the cart a couple more pushes, gave me the face again, and finally backed out of the elevator.
People who believe "The Da Vinci Code" is a completely true historical account because they are too stupid to read a NOVEL without it uprooting all their previously held beliefs.
People who believe "The Da Vinci Code" is an inaccurate historical account, not because it's a NOVEL, and hence, inherently a WORK OF FICTION, but because they are trying to keep from having their hilarious religious faith shaken, plus the Pope calls B.S. "Yo. I'm the Pope. I read 'The Da Vinci Code' and I'm calling B.S. on that shit. We can't just have a bunch of assholes writing tons of gibberish that is totally fabricated and having weak-minded people thinking it's real. That's OUR gig."
Movies, particularly sci-/horror movies that say, "Based on real events. Usually the extent to which they are based on actual events is like, in the movie, there is a guy named Dave who lives in Minnesota, who was abducted by aliens who performed mindblowingly cruel experiments on him and then returned him to earth with special powers of telepathy and telekinesis, and in real life in Minnesota there are actually quite a few guys named Dave.
People who can't stand any animals on any level.
People who chew gum as though their life depends on chomping it as frantically as possible.
People who don't understand English who nod and say, "Yes," to everything. Please, if you don't understand, let me fucking know and I'll find someone to translate or something.
Me: "Would you mind taking this folder to Ed from accounting?"
Guy who doesn't understand: (Big smile) "Okay! Yes, yes, okay!" (Nod, nod, nod)
Hours later....
Ed from accounting: "Could you send me those invoices we talked about earlier? I never received them."
Me: "Hang on a second."
Me to guy: "Remember that folder I gave you earlier to take to Ed?"
Guy: "Yes, yes."
Me: "What happened to it? Ed never got it."
Guy: "Okay. Yes."
People who get busted breaking the law who think that a logical defense is that the law is unfair. Of course, many laws may seem illogical or unfair to you, but that doesn't stand up in court when you get pulled over for driving 90 in a school zone while smoking crystal meth with your dick in the mouth of a thirteen year old girl.
People whose houses or apartments are spotlessly clean, and then you realize that it's not tidy because they clean up, but because they simply don't have any stuff. Like, your apartment has a bed, a couch, a chair, a dresser with a few articles of clothing in it, a closet with one pair of shoes and one jacket in it, a TV, a frying pan, a microwave oven, a refrigerator, a plate, a bowl, a fork, a knife, a spoon, a cup, a bar of soap, a tube of toothpaste, a toothbrush, a bottle of shampoo, a towel, a desk, a computer and a garbage can... OF COURSE it's clean.
People who get really hung up on semantics about their job title.
"So how long have you been a magician?"
"I'm not a magician. I'm an illusionist."
"Oh, so you use tricks, sleight of hand and optical illusions to make objects seem to disappear, appear, move unnaturally, be destroyed and then remade, and stuff like that?"
"Yeah."
"That's funny. That's what magicians do."
People who get ridiculously melodramatic about the repulsiveness of bodily functions. I was having lunch with some people from work and this girl had been on a date over the weekend. One girl asked her how it went and she curled her lip up and kind of chuckled the "don't ask" chuckle. The basic summary of her date horror was that during dinner, the guy went to the restroom, spent too long there to have taken a piss, and presumably had instead taken a shit. This ruined the whole date. The mood was destroyed.
So I'm sitting there waiting for someone to shoot this chick's phobias down, maybe say something like, "What's he supposed to do, shit his pants?" But instead, the girl she's talking to is in complete agreement. I mean, if they were making out, and the guy ripped a huge fart, then yeah, that's pretty bad, but this guy excused himself, went to the restroom and used it. HOW DARE HE? This girl was acting like the guy stood up at the table, turned around, pulled down his pants, pinched off a giant loaf onto his plate and then mixed it into his pasta primavera and ate it. I hate to shatter your little perfect world, but guess what.... People sometimes shit. Know what Brad Pitt, Keanu Reeves, Johnny Depp, and Matthew McConaughey all did today? They all took big smelly shits. DEAL WITH IT.
People who go to restaurants and expect the waiter to read their minds. Yesterday we had this customer who ordered a tuna salad. When the waiter took it to him he had a disgusted look on his face.
"Is there mayonnaise in this?"
"Yes there is, dumbass, because that's what's in tuna salad! If we didn't put mayo in it, the other 99.999% of people who order it and EXPECT mayo would be like 'where's the fucking mayo?' and they would be right because the two main ingredients in tuna salad are tuna and fucking mayo! If you wanted tuna salad without the mayo you should have fucking asked for it, not have us GET YOUR ORDER RIGHT and then have to THROW IT AWAY because we didn't read your goddamn mind!" Of course, that's not what the waiter said, but it's what the guy deserved.
People who haven't figured out how to end a relationship without turning into a big heartless asshole.
People who never understand that the relationship is over unless you turn into a big heartless asshole.
People who obviously inflate the supposed value of something thinking that people will be more careful with it.
Maitre 'D's instructions to a group of temp waiters working a banquet: "Be extremely careful with these china plates. Each one costs 500 dollars."
Saying this will cause one of the following mental reactions:
1.) "Bullshit. There's no possible way this place spent 500 bucks per plate. Do they expect me to believe they spent a million dollars just on plates, coffee cups, saucers and shit? No fucking way."
2.) "Oooohhh. I'd better make sure to steal a few of these before I leave."
It will, however, NOT cause the following reaction:
"Oh. Originally I was planning to knock my elbow against that door frame as I walked past while carrying these plates, or maybe slip on a wet spot and drop one of them on the floor, but I guess I'd better not, because I care deeply about accidental loss of property for an establishment where I have never worked, and am unlikely to ever work again."
People who think it's perfectly normal to be constantly at war with everyone around them. They go to work and make sure all their coworkers hate their guts, as though constantly battling your coworkers is just part of having a job. Here's a tip. If you think everyone at your job is a douchebag, and everyone there thinks you're a douchebag, and then you go home and you think your wife and kids are douchebags, and they think you're a douchebag, and then you call your parents on the phone and the conversation quickly deteriorates into an argument about which of you is the bigger douchebag, THAT'S NOT NORMAL.
People who think that it's perfectly acceptable to take their dog ANYWHERE, particularly when they have one of those obnoxious dogs that likes to jump up on everyone, which of course, they never reprimand the dog for, and if you have a problem with that, then YOU'RE an asshole.
People who think the dude who does the weather on their small-town local news channel is a celebrity.
People who think they're being wonderfully courteous by holding the door for you when you're still several seconds away from the door. Of course, you can't just stroll casually to the door at the pace you were originally walking or you'll look like a complete dick, so you do the faggy little fake jog thing, you know, the "wait, I'm coming" thing, which is more of a pantomime than an actual exertion towards moving faster. You're smiling at them and going, "Thank you... Thanks... Thanks... Thank you..." People who deliver babies on crowded buses in rush hour traffic don't even get this kind of gratitude. It's almost passive-aggressive, like, "Hah! I can make this guy run."
People who routinely use the word "unacceptable." You know what a waiter, hotel desk clerk, retail salesperson, etc. thinks when you use this word? "Oh, okay. nothing I do at this point will ever make this fucking bitch happy, so fuck 'em. Maybe I'll make a half-hearted effort to pretend to try to fix the problem, but they're never going to be satisfied, so I might as well wash my hands of them." Take this as a hint. Abusing this word is far more likely to make your waiter put his balls on your food than give you better service, and the more liberally you use this word, the greater the odds. I've never heard this word used when there actually was a severe problem. Rather, it's a word used by primadonnas who freak out when they get a knife with a water spot on it or a hotel room that's four doors awar from the ice machine instead of right next to it or some other miniscule shit that only an asshole would truly freak out about. One time I had a client order a huge seafood station for a cocktail party. After we set it up, she walked into the room to inspect it. It looked great and we fully expected her to not only be satisfied, but impressed. She walked about six feet into the room, stood there staring at the table for about a minute solid without moving, then she made an abrupt about-face and stormed out of the room to find me in the hallway. "Come with me," she snapped. I walked into the room with her and she starts making the stink-face. "Do you smell that? Something smells fishy! This is unacceptable!" Gee, I can't imagine why a closed room that is one-third filled with a wide variety of shrimp, lobster, crab, mussels, clams, oysters, sushi, smoked salmon, sturgeon, etc. might smell like, uhhh... seafood. I got a couple of slices of lemon, a couple shots of brandy and a hot frying pan and went into the room with the sizzling mixture to give her the idea that I was fixing the problem. It was impressive looking, and for a few seconds there was a sweet burning smell, but overall it didn't do a fucking thing except shut her up, which, of course was the desired effect, and as far as I was concerned, exactly what the bitch needed. If you say "unacceptable," you are a stupid bitch who is full of her own shit who needs to shut the fuck up. I have yet to see an exception to this rule.
People who think you can compensate for a bad cell phone signal by screaming into their phones, like the additional volume is going to make the signal stronger or something. They act like the phone is going to respond like a whipped horse. "Oh, he really means business. I'd better stop fucking around and pump out more radio waves." "So I guess we'll meet up around Broadway and... Hello?... Hello? ARE YOU THERE? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!! HELLO???!!! HELLOOOOOO!!!!!" (They look at the phone to count how many bars they have) "DAVE?!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!!!!! DAVE!!!!!! HELLOOOOO?!!!!!!"
People with really poor Engilsh skills who correct other people's English. This woman I know has a Dominican husband and constantly corrects his English in front of people in an obnoxious, belittling way. Reality check, fucker. The guy has gaps in his English skills because he learned English a few years ago as an adult, whereas you've spoken English as your first language for your whole life and still say things like, "What he did?" rather than "What did he do?" and "Where he went?" rather than "Where did he go?"
People you are in close contact with for hours and hours every day who still fuck up your name. Like my boss from a few years ago called me John for the first six months I worked with her, despite me correcting her every time.
"John, could you see if you could find -"
"Mike."
"What?"
"My name is Mike."
"What did I say?"
"John."
"Ahhh! Sorry! Why do I keep doing that? Gaaa!"
"Oh, gee, I don't know. Maybe because you're a fucking moron who is too self absorbed to even give a shit, and too stupid to remember even if you did care. I mean, what, are you retarded? You have a staff of only fifteen people and I'm you're fucking assistant. The staff works for you THROUGH me, and we work together five days a week, ten hours a day in sickeningly close contact. You talk to me so often that I hate your fucking guts. I also I despise the way your hands sweat like you dunked them in a sink when you shake my hand, and you leave the computer keyboard soaked in your filthy dribbling sweat because you're terrified of computers and they make your hands sweat even more, you dumb basketcase fuck. Have a fucking breath mint, you stank cunt."
Okay, so that's not exactly what I said.
Really, REALLY fat cops. How the fuck are these guys supposed to stop crime? Seriously, I see some cops out there and I know for a fact that I could easily outrun them or kick their asses, and I'm in bad shape. I know that in most places people who want to become cops have to take all kinds of tests and be physically fit, but it seems like once they're in, they're set, and they can just let themselves go. I guess the union stands behind them as they become fat tubs of lard. "You can't fire Dave. He's been a cop for eight years," which, of course in the union mindset means that he's untouchable even if he becomes too fat to walk. The union would probably file a grievance to get the precinct to buy him one of those Jazzy Chair scooters so he could just roll around fighting slow-walking crime wherever it rears its ugly head. Who the fuck are these guys stopping? If I was a criminal who was coming out of a house I just robbed, and saw one of these huge fatasses, I would have no problem outrunning them on foot. Sorry, Porky Pigs, you can't keep law and order with a computer programmer's physique. Ever wonder why unarmed people keep getting shot by the cops? Well, it was either that or running after them.
Soft rock. What gets into aging rock stars that makes them think, "You know... I'm bored with making music that's awesome. I think I need to make some music that would be appropriate to play at wedding receptions and as background music at grocery stores."
Retards that pronounce the "L" in Salmon.
Songs that are five minutes long that don't do anything new after the first 45 seconds and just repeat what they're doing after the intro until the end of the song.
Tech support at internet service providers that makes you jump through hoops before they will even check to see if something is wrong on their end.
"What is the brand of modem? Hmmmm... Could you hit the reset button? Nothing? Ok, check your network cable. Hmmmm.... Ok, have you run a virus scan? Could you do that now? (15 minutes later) Nothing? Hmmmm. Ok, hit the reset button on the modem again. Nothing? Are the lights on the modem blinking? Which ones? Hmmm... Ok go to the control panel and open Network Properties. Ok, look for the tab that says...(15 more minutes of bullshit) Hmmm... Ok, let me check something.... Ohhhh... It looks like there IS an outage in your area. I'll put in a call to fix it. Is there anything else I can help you with today?