Expert Advice To Make Life Easy

Animals.........
If you are ever chased by velociraptors , do not rely on locked doors because they are really wily. A tyrannosaurus will always chase a thrown road flare, leaving you perfectly safe. When dealing with prehistoric animals, aliens, or even fruity colored computers, always, I cannot stress this enough, ALWAYS team up with actor Jeff Goldblum. HE IS A GENIUS!!

actor, pseudo intellectual
Jeff Goldblum (chin stroking hand not shown)

Driving........
Senior citizens should always drive with their seat pushed up as close to the steering column as possible. This way the crash, which is an eventuality, really, will cause the airbag to expand to fill the entire chest cavity, which will allow the driver to happily avoid all the legal "flim-flammery" from the crash which he caused by leaving this world far beyond the glow of his ethereal tail lights. I am happy to see that many members of our aged community have already implemented this technique in their daily driving. GO TEAM!!

The online community........
If someone on IRC sends you this picture of themselves:

Then it is really one of these people:

Meeting people..........
If you keep your interests basic and average you will make more friends. No one wants to be irritated by someone with well thought out opinions and tastes. They just want someone to watch "The Real World" with. No matter how cool or valuable you think your collectible action figures seem, women see them as NERD TOYS. If you plan on ever having sex again HIDE THEM. You may put them back up on the shelf after you have sexually performed adequately enough that nothing you could ever do would be seen as anything less than godlike. Also along these lines, no woman has ever thought Insane Clown Posse was cool.

Advice in general..........
Always rely on the advice given by an old lady advice columnist who tells people to stay away from the internet because "It can only lead to trouble" because she obviously has a greater grasp on the human condition than you or me.

deified technophobe

Dating.........
Learn to be confident fighting while naked. It's the best way to remember your senior prom as a happy time. If someone doesn't call you the day after you have sex either they aren't mature enough for a serious commitment or you were really lousy and disgusting sexually and/or you farted in your sleep. This does not apply to hookers or girls who dress like them. Men will tolerate farting hookers.

Computer advice..........
Telling a redneck to purchase a Dell or a Gateway will always make them drive straight to Walmart and purchase a Packard Bell and sign up to AOL. About three to five days following, you will receive a phonecall asking you to come over and figure out why their computer can't do anything without crashing. Solution: Pretend to be dead.

The Death of JFK Jr...............
Great amusement can be found watching newscasters try to say "Gay Head" with a straight face.

In poor taste? Sure. But at least
I had enough taste to avoid that cutesy
pic of him saluting.
He's famous. Feel obligated to mourn. I suppose
I'll leave this up as long as there is an entire section
on the grocery store news rack devoted to
magazines about his death.
 

Display of wealth........
Ladies: When you see an 85 nissan stanza with a huge stereo and aluminum rims being driven by a guy wearing Tommy Hilfiger and gold chains, remember .. HE MAKES $6.00 AN HOUR BUSSING TABLES. He puts all his earnings into making himself APPEAR to have a lot of money. ILLUSION...
Guys: Almost ALL women already know the above. Sorry to break it to ya. Hint: for what you spent on the stereo you could have been living out of your mom's basement for several months.

"Natural" women.........
Yes, of course I know that body hair is a secondary sexual characteristic, but so is BODY ODOR. So unless you feel like dealing with OUR secondary sexual characteristics, get yours under control. Shave once in a while and for god's sake, TRIM THAT THING!

Almost as classy as a zebra striped wedding dress... but not quite.

Advertising........
In nail salons they usually have pictures of women's hands with enormous acrylic nails holding various objects like flowers, money, pens, pages of a book .. etc. They should aim more at their target market and maybe have a picture of those long nails holding the penis of a lonely fifty year old man in a cheap hotel who's wallet just got fifty dollars lighter.

Perspective.........
People of average height generally regard the idea of having sex with a midget as perverse. Do midgets get the willies thinking about sex with normal sized people ?

Having fun in public.......
Having trouble setting a public restroom on fire? You'll never get anywhere trying to set fire to those tiles. Remember - most restrooms have at least one paper towel dispenser, or at the very least, several rolls of toilet paper. God put those there for a reason.

Fashion........
Men's briefs were designed by....
A) Women who enjoy checking out men's packages..
B) Men who enjoy checking out men's packages..
or
C) Someone who thinks it's fun to have his schlong fall out, thinks ballsweat smells yummy, and jock itch gives you something to do with your spare time.

http://www.adbusters.org/

General fact that everyone must know.......
Ben Gay. Yes, I know it's greasy. Yes, I know it gets warm. NO, you should not use it as a lubricant! Napalm might be a bit milder.

Meeting people.......
I was serious about the action figure thing. Go put them away. Seriously. Also - Cartman WAS funny until everyone started reciting quotes from Southpark in a Cartman-esque voice. Please stop. It's gotten really tired and WILL keep your bedsheets very clean.

Parenting.......
It is difficult teaching kids to avoid strangers when you also teach them about Santa : a strange old man who watches you all the time and brings you presents for no reason and likes for you to sit on his lap.

Entertainment.......
The value ratio of comedians is determined by the following simple formula:
number of arcane references to interesting weird things
minus
number of repeat characters performed by comedian while on the cast of Saturday Night Live
divided by
number of appearances in long distance phone commercials